Pictures of your deceased loved one

[serpico]

I'd like to hear from those who are (or were) seriously dating, and how your Chapter Two feels about pictures of your deceased loved one in your house...

 

I had a very interesting discussion about this with my girlfriend tonight, and I'd like to get opinions and experiences from other widow(er)s about the following:

 

Do you have a lot of these pics around the house? Are they of just you two or do they include the kids? Have the number of pics decreased since your new relationship started? Has your new partner expressed objections or concerns about any or all of these pics? How have you dealt with these objections?

 

I'm still thinking through this whole issue, and though by asking in this forum I expect to get a little widow(er)-bias, I'd still like to get your thoughts.  Thank you in advance!

[Trying]

My NG has never voiced an objection to pictures of my DH.  I did remove pictures from my bedroom in my old house before he spent a night when my kids were away.  I recently moved and have not put out as many pictures, ones of the whole family or him with one or more of the kids, none of just the two of us.  I'm not sure how I would've reacted if he asked me to remove them instead of me deciding to...

[Guest TooSoon]

I'm with another widow(er) as you know; we both sort of relish visiting one another's pasts.  Maybe we're crazy?  We are definitely lazy about all things related to "the house"  and we both have family pictures from "the other life" all over both of our houses.  I don't think we really care one way or the other and we didn't want to make some sort of demonstrative statement of removal for the children (there are three involved).  Our dead spouses are like the invisible participants in all we do.

 

But you are not with another who is widowed.  I'd say, you must do what feels right for you and your kids.  Right?  Then explain it to your partner, if explaining is needed.  We can't wisk or wish away the presence of our lost spouses- nor should we have to - they're part of us and part of our children's lives.  You just need to decide how to find that balance and I am sure there is a balance there.  We can't erase that past so what better way than pictures?  And they're just pictures - they are not the here and now.  They are mementos of a time that was wonderful and deserves to be honored but that is also over.  In the end you must do what feels right for YOU and only you can decide where that line is drawn - that line between "what was" and "what is". 

 

I hope you don't think I am biased.  I'm just trying to lend a voice to the conversation.

 

 

 

[Sugarbell]

I have one 8x10 downstairs in front of fireplace (along with a dozen more) of DH and I with the boys (before daughter was born)

 

I have a wedding photo (small and framed) that used to be in my daughters room but for some reason she moves it to my window in the bathroom off my bedroom. I just leave it to make her happy. NG jokes that he never wants to use that bathroom cause DH is watching him go. lol. And my daughter has a collage in her room framed and he's in 2.

 

That's all I have...But it's been a long time for me.

 

NG doesn't care. I posted a pic on FB of him with a little tribute from the kids (but it was not sappy lovey Dovey)... NG said it was nice. But he lost his Dad at age 7 and thinks it's important that the kids see/know about there Dad.

[Sugarbell]

The dozen more are kid photos. Only 1 of DH and the kids.

[lcoxwell]

New Guy and I have had a number of conversations about this very issue, throughout the planning of my recent move and getting settled into my new place close to him. Thankfully, New Guy is open and honest about his feelings, which I appreciate. From his perspective, he would not expect me to get rid of all the pictures of Kenneth, whether they be pictures of Kenneth alone, of Kenneth with the family, or of just Kenneth and me. At the same time, he says it would bother him, if I had the pictures covering the walls and placed out in plain site all over the place.

 

Since I moved, I have transferred many of the pictures into photo albums or boxed them up, so that I can pull them out and look at them, should I want to, but also out of respect for New Guy, so that he feels comfortable, when he comes over. The way I look at it, my Kenneth is gone and nothing can be said or done to bring him back. New Guy is here, right in front of me, and is just as deserving of my love and devotion. So, rather than fill my new place with pictures of Kenneth, I have plans to start decorating my new place with pictures from my new life with my New Guy.

[Gabzmom]

I don't know.  My daughter is/was very close to her dad.  They had a very special relationship and I do no wish to remove his pictures.  Additionally there is this one big thing - the flag that draped his casket is folded in a case with some medals, pins, dog tags.  It sits on top of our piano.  I suppose I could re-create what I jokingly called DH's "me wall" with his trophy's plaques, etc.  A lot of his plaques sit leaning against a wall.  Looking to gift some of these to his brothers.  However, my daughter has voiced and interest in her keeping them. 

 

To add to that, we are leaving this month for a few days to visit in-laws and to attend his induction into his high school Athletic Hall of Fame.  If there is a plaque or award, my daughter will accept with her grandfather.  She will likely take this home. 

 

I still have my wedding pic on my dresser and quite a few pics of DH with daughter.  I never liked my photo being taken. 

[hachi]

Although we haven't directly discussed this issue, it has come up in subtle ways. What I find is that NG does not object to pictures, and has a pretty high comfort level when discussions and anecdotes involving DH come up. What does trouble him usually are things that happen randomly and when he is not expecting it. It has more to do with what he "thinks" I am thinking.

 

Example; I was rifling through a desk drawer for something and came across an old picture of me and DH. Not really thinking, I just set it aside and when he was looking for a pen, he came across it. I think it was because it was unexpected, and I suppose I was a little careless. To me it was not a big deal at all, but it was a WTF moment for him. Why had I "left" it out?

 

Another; I went with some of my widow posse to a medium (another story, ugghh". We were supposed to bring a picture of our DH's. I left the picture on the visor of my car and forgot about it. Again, he lowered the visor and it fell into his lap. Oops

 

The major decisions, put the pictures in an album, only display pics with the kids, not having them in places like the bedroom, those were easy for me. It is the little things where I don't give it any thought, where I get into this area of discomfort. I am trying to be more aware, but, I pretty much suck at it.

 

 

[serpico]

I don't know.  My daughter is/was very close to her dad.  They had a very special relationship and I do no wish to remove his pictures.

 

I said something similar to this and my girlfriend, who is divorced, asked how I would feel about seeing pictures of her and her ex-husband displayed around the house.  It wasn't said as a 'gotcha' comment, but it made me think a little bit.  I'm just trying to put myself in her shoes.

[Mizpah]

my girlfriend, who is divorced, asked how I would feel about seeing pictures of her and her ex-husband displayed around the house.  It wasn't said as a 'gotcha' comment, but it made me think a little bit.  I'm just trying to put myself in her shoes.

 

Nothing is ever simple.  When I read this, I immediately had two very strong, and diametrically opposed (hahaha), opinions.  The first was, "Yikes, it's not even close to the same thing, that's f'ed up, I would not be able to be with someone like that."  The other was, "Maybe it's worse (for us to have photos of them - worse for our partners' emotions), because we didn't choose to end it, we would still be with them if they were alive, and this poor woman feels like she's living in another woman's shadow." 

 

It sounds like your girlfriend has some insecurities that go deeper than just photos and need to be fully addressed. 

 

I would like to say I'm super zen and that being widows helps my boyfriend and I understand each other, but I'm sad to say that that's not how it went.  My boyfriend has said things like it's hard to measure up when I have a box full of love letters, and I know that I have come to view his late fiancee as this perfect wonderful ray of sunshine and just the thought of her makes me feel like a failure and a dark cloud.  (I know people are going to think we or one of us have low self-esteem or insecurities, etc., but we're fairly confident people, and are committed to each other, so I think in this case the cliche/common wisdom doesn't hold true - I think we were just each in relationships that were perfect for us, with people who were perfect for us, and we're each intimidated by the other's past, because our relationship is not smooth and breezy - it's a perfect of example of a prior relationship that was too good being a real challenge in a very realistic, full-of-life-circumstances present.)

 

We had pictures up (he because he's lazy and we live in his house and he never made any active decisions about what to do, and I because I moved in and didn't want photos of her up and none of DH), but then I slowly put up photos of our family, and as "our people" became more of a point of division rather than unity, I took them down.  There are two boxes upstairs next to each other, one labeled with her name and one labeled with his.  It's not an effort to erase the past, but it can cause hurt and insecurity for a partner to always see a happy past with someone else in their home and in their face.  To me, there's nothing easy about widowhood, nothing - this included.

 

(Important to note: DH and I didn't yet have kids, and neither did boyfriend and his late fiancee.  I think this would all be different if either of us had kids with a late partner - probably because we'd be forced to be more mature and less threatened about it all, and would want to incorporate the late parent's memory into the kids' lives.)

[hachi]

I said something similar to this and my girlfriend, who is divorced, asked how I would feel about seeing pictures of her and her ex-husband displayed around the house.  It wasn't said as a 'gotcha' comment, but it made me think a little bit.  I'm just trying to put myself in her shoes.

 

Well, how would you feel? It's a valid question. Also, it's not the same question as "how would you feel about seeing pictures of her kids and ex-husband around the house?"

[serpico]

Great discourse here, and thanks to everyone who has responded.

 

Well, how would you feel? It's a valid question. Also, it's not the same question as "how would you feel about seeing pictures of her kids and ex-husband around the house?"

 

Oh, it's totally a valid question.  Given that her husband wasn't/isn't a pleasant person and she initiated the divorce, a) the likelihood of her having his picture around is nil, and b) because of those circumstances, I wouldn't feel threatened because she has no feelings for him at all.

 

But that's the difference...my wife was here one day and gone the next, so it's true that if she hadn't died I wouldn't be with my girlfriend.  So I totally can get how seeing a bunch of pictures - especially those of just my wife and I embracing, for instance - would be a constant reminder to my girlfriend of how she wasn't my first choice.

 

It sounds like your girlfriend has some insecurities that go deeper than just photos and need to be fully addressed.

 

Probably true, though don't we all?  ???  And I think by having open discussions like the one we had last night we'll make progress.  I would much rather she bring these things up than bury them and let them fester.

[Mizpah]

Probably true, though don't we all?  ???

 

Oh my gosh, for sure.  I wish the logic of things could seep from my brain into my heart!  And definitely agree - the conversation is key.

 

And it's horrible of me, because I certainly do not want your girlfriend to be hurting and suffering, but honestly it makes me feel a tad better knowing I'm not the only one out there who has these thoughts and feelings.  Lots of love to her (it takes courage to be with a widow(er)!) and to you.  So glad you brought this up.

 

Edited to say: if it's appropriate and you think it would help, feel free to tell her even widows have these feelings

[hachi]

So I totally can get how seeing a bunch of pictures - especially those of just my wife and I embracing, for instance - would be a constant reminder to my girlfriend of how she wasn't my first choice.

 

I think a picture of my and my husband embracing would be a picture I would choose to keep in an album, not displayed anywhere it could be a constant reminder. Also, you were not her first choice, either. Both of you are in a different place now, and you are each others first choice now. These are the important discussion points in my chapter 2.

[anniegirl]

it makes me feel a tad better knowing I'm not the only one out there who has these thoughts and feelings

 

You're not the only one. It's a reaction that is not, imo, rooted in insecurity as much as it's just human to want the person you love to love you back just as much. And to be first in their thoughts and heart.

 

Husband and I are both widowed. As our romance was ldr, we spent time on my home turf - which was LH free by the time we met - and when I relocated to his home it was just weeks before we married.

 

He did his best to put things away but there were photos, clothes, the entire kitchen was hers really, much of the decor and well, the whole yard. I understood. I sucked it up and it took years to make the house over but the one thing that always bugged me was his laptop (which sat out most of the time) had it's screen saver set to troll through the pictures. And all the pictures were of the past.

 

I didn't say anything for the longest time, thinking he would eventually remedy this but finally I pointed out to him that anyone who saw this, wouldn't know that I existed at all.

 

And that's the big thing. Validation.

 

Of course, it had never occurred to him to add pictures of us to the laptop. In fact, the screen saver was pretty much white noise to him at that point b/c he was so used to it. So he put on newer photos and fiddled with the settings to balance thing in favor of the present and eventually the computer died, so it's no longer an issue.

 

It is important to have conversations. It's important that both partners feelings are taken into account. And it's important to remember that the rules are different for kids though that is not an issue for us because only the youngest (from my first marriage) has ever lived at home and she has no memory (or interest really) in LH.

 

 

[Trying]

I try to be sympathetic to what NG feels and I also encourage him to share with me.  We all have insecurities or hot button issues based on our personalities and life experience.  Relationships are about compromise and respect and as long as it is a discussion and not a directive than I think it's healthy.  When there are children involved both parties need to put the children's feelings into the mix of the discussion (not necessarily involving the kids in the discussion, but simply considering them).  For me, having to pack up for a move forced me to make decisions about pictures sooner than I would have if I had stayed in our home.  As long as my kids are living with me there will always be some pictures of DH out in the open.

[Carey]

What I don't get is why is it perceived as a threat ... or competition. It's truly NOWHERE near like having pics of an ex around.  With an ex, that person could theoretically pop up at any time, always "out there".  So , I can see a threat there.  I don't have my house wallpapered in pics of Chad. But there are quite a few on the fridge and several in frames and my personal view is, if someone wants to change that they want to change me and maybe that is not the person I need right now. Chad will always be part of what makes me ME, and I don't plan on hiding any of that when someone new comes around.

[Bunny]

Before entering into my relationship with both feet (were friends for a few months first), I dismantled the 'shrines' and removed all pictures of my husband from the bedroom. There are some scattered about the house still, though the number has dwindled over time as I redecorate. My favorite wedding picture, of us kissing, was prominently displayed in the living room until one day I decided he didn't need to see that. There's a rather large oil painting my step-FIL did of our wedding day. I asked bf if it bothered him and he was puzzled that I thought it might.

 

Then again, he's an artist whose apartment is littered with artwork from and black and white photos of various ex-es. The only one I've ever felt any jealousy over is of his last ex and that feeling has lessened the longer we've been together. (Let me add: my bf is a self-professed jealous man- but, apparently, it only applies to living men.) So I do get her feelings, totally. And yeah- maybe more difficult for her since you did not want to end your relationship and harder for her to relate since she can't stand her ex. I do think it's great she's willing to talk about it instead of letting it fester inside and cause resentments.

 

But you have children. They need to see their mom in pictures. It's not like with a divorce where the children have the opportunity to see the other parent in real life, thus eliminating the need to display pictures in the ex's house. The only way your children get to see their mom is through pictures. And getting rid of them might make your kids feel like you are trying to erase her from their lives. So- can you compromise and take down the more 'romantic' looking pictures of the two of you, but leave up ones containing family or of your wife alone?

[Mizpah]

What I don't get is why is it perceived as a threat ... or competition. It's truly NOWHERE near like having pics of an ex around.  With an ex, that person could theoretically pop up at any time, always "out there".  So , I can see a threat there.

 

I understand what you're saying, but I think it's an emotional threat.  The thought is, "Look at this person.  Look how much my loved one loved him/her.  Look how much my loved one still does and always will love him/her."  I suppose at heart it's a feeling that, if life had gone as the loved one wanted it to, they would still be together.  It's the feeling that they prefer their lost loved one - maybe right, maybe wrong, maybe just impossible and pointless to ever assess, like the post/thread about the dream about having to choose DH/DW or your Chapter Two.  It's that little girl or boy inside each one of us that just wants to be loved and can't help but think: "He/she loved her/him more." 

 

I'm not saying that it's not dumb and counterproductive and possibly immature.  But it's a feeling that bubbles up.   

 

(It's hypocritical of me to feel this way.  I have a tattoo of DH's name on me.  I always think, if my partner happened to be jealous, "Well, his name may be on my body, but his body's in the ground and you have my body."  But, like I said, it's the emotional/love aspect of it.)

[Sugarbell]

I think moderation is key.....If your house is a shrine of your DW DH...Anyone would feel uncomfortable/insecure...

 

A few tasteful family or a photo with DH:DW and a child...No biggie. The kids want it...it's their home too. At least that's how I look at it.

 

Of course when I was 23 I dated a 32 year old divorced guy who still had several family photos framed...and it didn't bother me. But that's me.

[anniegirl]

I'm not saying that it's not dumb

 

It isn't dumb at all. Or immature. Don't apologize for feeling the way you do. They are valid feelings whether other people think so or agree.

 

What I don't get is why is it perceived as a threat ... or competition.

 

It's not about that at all. It's about wanting the focus to be on the present relationship and wondering if that is truly the case. If your lover is doubting the lover, it's not something that can be remedied by saying "this is clearly your issue so deal with it".

 

Not that anyone is doing that but I wonder sometimes given the comments I read (and this is not the first thread I've read about pictures and/or shrines).

 

Personally, I think people should always speak up about things like this because leaving them to fester usually doesn't end well and it's a good thing if your partner can tell you these things because it means they trust you with their feelings.

 

There is, I have noticed, the feeling that we should slowly change decor and put away pictures and such when we get into relationships but I would argue that the opposite is true.

 

We'd be better off to pare down to the barest minimum and then slowly reintroduce pictures or whatever after a new relationship is rooted and growing. But I do understand how hard that can be because many of us don't play to date again as much as relationships simply arrive without a lot of warning.

 

[Abitlost]

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[klim]

All the pictures that were up when he died are still up , he's in pictures by himself, with me, with the kids( just a bunch of family photos...not shrine type pictures). I have two teenage sons. I do not want them to feel that Dad is being removed from the house.

NG spends time here..... but this is my place....it has my family's pictures. He's never commented ...he understands that as a mom I watch and care for my childrens well being. He has a lot of repect for that.

 

I spend time at his place and truthfully I find it strange that he doesn't have any family photos up. He's moved 3 times since his divorce and I guess when he redecorated he left it neutral.

Right now with where I am in my relationship.( the fun for now don't know where it's going mode) My kids comfort level in their own house is what counts.

 

The only thing I'm debating is whether to put up a few  photo's with him in them.... but it feels so highschool......"This is a picture of my boyfriend:)"...."look see, I have a boyfriend"

Instead I keep photos on my computer

 

[patriciad]

After DH died I hung one of those 20 picture collage things up.  It is going up the stairs-full of photos from wedding to his last Christmas.  I had scattered a few other pics here and there-nothing ridiculous.

 

When I met NG I took pics of DH down in bedroom but left everything else up.  Eventually married NG(a widower) and he and 3 kids moved in.  I made a beautiful collage of his wife's photos and that hangs in the living room next to "our" wedding collage.  We have our 3 wedding  8x10s on the hallway table-him and his DW, me and DH and me and NG. 

 

It is very comfortable to me and he seems okay with it too-never really talked about it.  I think having kids living in the house makes me not want to "erase" the past or cover it up.  Those beautiful spouses made us who we are today.

 

I don't believe in shrines(esp if in a new relationship) but a few photos here and there are okay.  IMO

 

Pat

[Abitlost]

I have several photos of DH and I. They aren't front and center, but these photos not only remind me how much I was loved, they also show my kids how madly in love their parents were. Rather than feeling threatened, perhaps a new love interest can take away from them the depth of my capacity to love.

 

abl