Depressive Episode This Weekend

[Justin]

This past Saturday marked three years since my dad died, and it has really hit me hard (I am 15 months out from my wife dying). I basically spent all day Sunday in bed, sleeping for most of the day. When I wasn't sleeping, I think I was crying. It's really weird, that I felt so "out of it" all day and feel like there is missing time. Before Marsha died, I would have times were I felt down, but nothing like this. It retrospect, it was scary.

 

It's been tough on my loved ones because I was a dark hole, and I know it hurt them to see me that way. It's been a long time since I was this badly depressed. Can I just get a break from grief, now?

[Trying]

I'm sorry you had such a rough weekend. My Dad passed away 5 years before my DH and the compounded grief can hit hard sometimes. I think those dark moments are scary because you think you are past that level of grief and when it hits so hard it's almost a shock and an awful reminder of the early grief. I find that I am completely exhausted immediately after an episode like that but then I almost feel lighter after the grief hangover passes.

 

I hope you feel a little better and lighter today.

[Guest TooSoon]

Sending you lots of love across the wires, Justin.  Sometimes we just have to let ourselves feel whatever it is we are feeling.  Big hug from PA.

[Wheelerswife]

Justin, my friend, hang in there.  Sometimes, we have no real choice in our experiences with these kinds of feelings.  I'm hoping that the depth of your depressive episode eases and releases you from its grip.  The people who love you hurt with you in their own way...but I hope you can accept their embraces as you move into the light of another day.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[WifeLess]

Justin,

 

We all crash and burn occasionally. But after a bit of downtime, we recover our strength and continue to move forward. I hope the wave that hit you passes quickly.

 

--- WifeLess

[donswife]

It proves to me that our bodies and mind seem to just make us stop in our tracks and grieve

even if we think we got this handled

I hope ,for you ,the bad day of darkness led to following days of getting better

take care

 

[Mizpah]

I'm so sorry that the darkness descended on you, but I'm glad you let yourself do what you needed to do for a day, despite its effects on others.  I think you're of more use to them in the main when, in those extreme times, you be genuine and authentic.  15 months, in my opinion, isn't *that* far out (at 15 months, a man who wasn't DH kissed me for the first time post-loss and I sprinted, sobbing, down the street!  Crazy behavior!), and parent loss... I can't even imagine a world in which my parents don't exist.  Sometimes you just need a day.  I'm thinking of you and hoping that the painful fog dissipates a bit. 

[Jen]

(((((Justin)))))

 

I had a complete meltdown last night, the kind I haven't had in ages. I survived my sister's wedding and the aftermath with relatively few tears, but once I got to my room last night, no one to see-- I broke down completely. I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't breathe. It was awful. That hot lump of lead in my chest was back, and it hurt-- I mean it physically hurt. I can't remember the last time I sobbed, "I wish I were dead," but I did last night... and I meant it.

 

Today is better, and I'm hoping tomorrow will be better than that. Sometimes hell reaches out and grabs you. I'll keep fighting it if you will!  ((((more hugs))))

[Justin]

Thank you all so very much - you guys are nothing short of amazing!

 

The day is getting a bit better, and I am so glad the fog is lifting some. As Jen wrote, it does physically hurt sometimes :-(  It is so scary to feel so helpless.

[kjs1989]

Wow, I understand. It is brutal when it hits, isn't it?  I have been there myself lately. Really there. I feel like I have been making progress for so long, and now after three years this month, I feel like I am just maxed out and this may be as good as it gets. That scares me. I am even wondering if maybe I should talk to my doctor about medication. I have been taking xanax for sleep again and occasionally druing the day, which I had pretty much weaned myself off of a year ago. Fall has always been a sort of melancholy time of  year for me, although it was D's favorite time of year, as he was an outdoorsman and waterfowl hunter. There is so much irony in him dying during his favorite time of year doing his very favorite activity. And now the holidays are upon us and all the family pressure that goes with that. Just "blech."

 

 

 

[jlp]

Justin, so sorry for your "episode."  I do think sometimes our minds/bodies take control without us knowing it and without us knowing why.  You and I are on a very similar timeline.  I've been feeling so good the last couple of weeks and then boom! a meltdown today for no apparent reason.

 

I can accept the rollercoaster, but not its capriciousness.

 

[canadiangirl]

Justin, hope today was even lighter.  I get it. 

[lcoxwell]

I am so very sorry you had such a difficult day. Even under normal circumstances, everyone experiences a down day, from time to time. Sometimes, it hits for a reason; and sometimes, there appears to be no reason at all. The added layers of grief, just seems to intensify those days so much more.

 

When I am having one of those days, or seeing others struggling with one of those days, I am reminded of the advice that was given to me, early on: be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to cry, do only what you have to do and let the rest wait for another day. From reading your post, it seems like you did exactly what you needed to. While it may have been hard on your loved ones to see, it is also an important part of the grieving process.

 

Thank you for updating that things are a "bit better". Hang in there. (((Hugs)))

[Frostedglass]

My dark days worsened toward the end of August as our wedding anniversary approached.  That was one of the hardest milestones so far.  I expected to feel better once the dreaded day had passed, but I didn't.  My depression held on through October and the one year mark of DH's death.  Now there's holidays and his birthday to take me through January.  I just don't see a reprieve in sight.

 

I have better days and worse days.  Grief is exhausting!  The most difficult part is that the person who could help me through this  time, the person I need to make me feel better, the one who could nurse me back to health is the one I'm grieving.

 

I try to remind myself of the many blessings God has granted me in His mercy. 

Hang in there everyone.

[Justin]

I try to remind myself of the many blessings God has granted me in His mercy. 

Hang in there everyone.

 

Thank you, Frostedglass - and welcome. Keeping not only a mental inventory, but a true pen-to-paper list of all of the things I am grateful for has helped me immensely. Sometimes, I will pull it out to add something new - at other times, it is to take an opportunity to review the things that are going right in my life.

[Frostedglass]

My limited journaling consists of lists - what I miss about DH, questions I have, etc.  I need to add 'what I'm thankful for' to my journaling.  Thanks for the reminder.