I "worry" about you

[RemysWife]

On Christmas Eve, I posted a photo of my husband sitting next to a doll that belonged to my Grandmother, as a "throwback" on Facebook. The post was actually more about the doll than Mark, except for him being in the picture and being a good sport about us taking a picture of him with the doll.

 

Later, I get a random message from a FB "friend" who I have seen in real life maybe twice in the past 10 years - so this is not someone I am close to. She tells me that she thinks about me because I have lost so much, but she "worries that I may spend so much time looking back to the past, that I am going to miss out on my future."

 

WTF??? I let a few hours go by before I answered her that I am fine, I have a very full life, and yes, I have lost a lot of people who meant the world to me, and the holidays make me sad. I did not answer her breezy response saying that she knows I do lots of fun things, and BTW, what am I doing for Christmas.

 

Her words hung over me for the remainder of the holiday. It took me awhile to even process the feelings that it stirred up in me.(I actually came here to post about it, but I couldn't even find the words.) Her "worry" was judgement, and I feel like I am doing pretty good, so who is she to judge me??

 

The truth is, the future scares me. There are so many unknowns ahead of me, and I try to focus on what is happening right now, because anything else is overwhelming. Am I kicking ass at this widow thing? Probably not, but I have a lot of friends, I travel, I do fun things, and I'm pretty happy. So why isn't that enough?

 

I can't believe at 4 years old, an acquaintance could put me in such a tailspin. Bitch.

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[kjs1989]

RemysWife, I think you handled her perfectly. I might have added the "WTF???" in my reply to her. And I would have ignored her breezy response as you did, too.

 

People can be so smug and assumptive in their "advice" to us. Annoying as hell.

 

 

[Max2507]

My first response would be to say hey if you are really worried run over and put a plate of brownies on my doorstep, ring the bell, and drive off...and I really mean drive off because I don't want to see you just want some brownies. Obviously she knows nothing about you or how you are doing or not doing.

[Trying]

I think you were extremely tactful in your response to someone who needs to minds her own business!  I find people who haven't suffered a significant loss either think I am moving on too fast or I am wallowing too much even though the truth is neither.  Unfortunately I am like you and sometimes allow a stupid comment from someone who really doesn't know me to bother me for days. So while I say to you, just ignore the Bitch! I know it's not that easy. I am going to try to remember the brownie comment for next time! 

[marjoe]

Dear Lord - please, put duct tape on well meaning people's mouths. Just sayin'. RemysWife, I've had these comments send me into a downer. But please, know that they a) don't know of what they're blathering, b) you're doing just fine - you're doing, you're living, you're thinking - and you're ok, right where you are. Really. Hugs, Marsha (don't let this get you down!)

[canadiangirl]

My first response would be to say hey if you are really worried run over and put a plate of brownies on my doorstep, ring the bell, and drive off...and I really mean drive off because I don't want to see you just want some brownies.

 

My Internet just broke.  I think this is the best response I have ever read on these boards.  Thank you, Max2507. I have been having a difficult morning and this will make me laugh the rest of the day.

 

RemysWife, your reply to your acquaintance was perfect.  There was a judgement in there, despite it being well-meant.  And since when did FB represent what is truly going on in our lives?  I probably would have ignored it--you are a bigger person.  You sound like you are doing better than just fine.  A much-loved family member said recently to me that I was doing better, that I was letting go of the past and that's what I had to do...and I interrupted, saying the past was part of me, always would be, and it has made me into a different person.  Not better, hopefully not worse, but different.  Re-forming one's identity is one of the tough parts of this process, in my opinion. Acceptance after a loss is not just something we need to do ourselves - those around us need to accept that we will become different people and accept those new selves as they are.  Part of the ripple effect of a loss. ((RemysWife)) 

[serpico]

It would have been better off left unsaid, but does it make her a 'bitch'? I wouldn't think so, especially if it was well-meant, as many here agree it probably was. I think we give people more power than they deserve when we allow well-meaning comments to send us into a tizzy.

[Freelancing]

Sounds like she had a spontaneous reaction to seeing your DH in the picture. Somewhere in her life she may have been conditioned to believe, like a great many people, if a person continues to talk, display pictures and the like of their DH/DW regardless of the years passed, s/he is pining. As you have witnessed it still holds true.

At some point in society, grief became associated with mental illness. Studies on grief are fairly new, around 30yrs (?). Changing misconceptions in society takes a very long time.

I have people in my life I don't see often who are confused about the whole widow thing to this day. We don't keep up with each others lives much, and I'm not aware of them knowing any other widows except me.

I just smile at those who think that, allow them to know I'm fine and no longer grieving. It generally leads to a discussion about grief which I don't mind discussing. Its a good way for me to reassure them it is not a mental illness, it changes, it winds down, it can go on for some odd years in subtle ways, then its done.

Even though we have experienced the death of a loved one, it is unimaginable and frightening for those who haven't. They fear death as well the misconception of mental illness if they are inclined to believe in it.

 

You did the right thing in calling her as well as calmly reassuring her you are okay. 

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"I haven't taken down my Christmas lights.They look so nice on the pumpkin,"  Winston Spear

[RobFTC]

I have a niece who wants to keep in better touch than I can handle.  She has problems with this.  She told me a couple of different times that I should not post pictures of my dead wife on Facebook if I wanted to date.  The last time it happened, I pointed out that it was getting the first date that was tough, not that I ever had someone look at my FB and bail.  She reiterated that she was sure she was right, so I told her she needed to keep those thoughts to herself.  There's a growing list of things I won't talk with her about, sadly.  She is getting more of her own life under control, so this stuff may get better at some point.

 

Take care,

Rob T

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[Freelancing]

 

I'm torn. I never know if I should let these comments slide and just be happy people are interacting with me or if it is my responsibility to turn every comment into a teachable moment for how to deal with grief in society...because otherwise nothing will ever change!

 

Hugs.

 

This is a hijack!!!  ;D

Remyswife, please excuse the interruption of your thread.

Thanks!

 

That realization rang true for me. I got sick and tired of being sensitive and angry all the time over stupid stuff, benign things that were said to me including the well meaning. All it did was keep me stationary -no moving forward not even an inch of progress, wasting a day or 2 to wind down and zapping the limited energy I had, I hated myself for it.

 

I looked up suggestions to manage anger, they were doable, but I needed more to satisfy myself. Eventually, I started doing research and asking questions of older family members on how these sayings came about. It was quite educational and humorous at times; it became the key that unlocked my chain. It may sound like it was easy, I assure it was not. I still had to get out the pent up energy from anger first and foremost, then take a break to catch my breath before I could get to a rational place of thinking to even attempt to work on it -it was a daily battle till it wasn't. In public, all I could do was restrain myself.

 

My grief work, not anyone else, was: to discipline myself, learn coping skills, identify problem redirect anger to it only. The more I worked at it, the more I became disciplined and less and less angry allowing me to learn better coping skills as well as maintain a focus on aiming my anger where it truly belongs.

 

This is not advice, I just wanted to share my story to allow you to know it is possible to overcome it.

I'm sure you will find your own way in your own time to get it worked out. 

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"I hate housework! You make the bed, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start over again."  Joan Rivers

[MauiMermaid]

Dear Lord - please, put duct tape on well meaning people's mouths. Just sayin'. RemysWife, I've had these comments send me into a downer. But please, know that they a) don't know of what they're blathering, b) you're doing just fine - you're doing, you're living, you're thinking - and you're ok, right where you are. Really. Hugs, Marsha (don't let this get you down!)

 

Well said.