Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function

[Mrskro]

Tatiana;

 

I know it seems as if you are stuck; and I don't agree with the people that think we ever "get over" or" move on"  I do know life has change in the most unimaginable way.  And it does get easier. 

 

I don't understand and hate when people tell me "how strong" I am....I wasn't, you weren't given a choice. 

 

One day at a time.

 

Hugs

[Jen]

(((((HUGS)))))

[Tatianakm]

I started to have just horrible mornings. Every morning I wake up to the realization that I am alone now and my husband is never coming back. For a split second my mind just wonders where he might be: went out to get breakfast for us, sitting at his computer... Then this horrible panic sets in and I have to admit to myself over and over that he is gone forever and will never be back. This is a pure torture and I wonder how much of it is self-inflicted. I am forced to stay in bed for a little while, crying and coming to terms with this "new" morning, then drag myself out of bed, shaming myself for letting my mind to forget yet again that this IS the new life now. I thought I would never say it, but I am actually looking forward to going back to work in two weeks; hopefully I will have no time to really think about it then and things improve.

 

At the same time I am dreading  going back to work, as I visit a different account and a client each day. Last time I saw some of these people they were expressing their congratulations on the upcoming addition to my family ( my baby girl's birth). Now with inevitable questions about the baby, I will have to tell my other sad news and keep it all together. I wish I could just have one office to go to and one time of sad looks and condolences; I will have to repeat it all over again, day after day, until I visit all the accounts. Where to find strength to keep it together and not fall apart?

 

Are any of you had to face the same upon return to work? Any coping strategies that worked?

 

Thank you, as always.

[Kater]

My husband had a heart attack late one Sunday night.  He was in the hospital until he died, about 36 hours after the heart attack.  For the longest time - probably 2 months - my first thoughts when I woke up were of the events over that time.  Every day, I saw him in the hospital bed.  I think it was my minds way of trying to process that he is gone.  I saw it with my own eyes sort of thing.  I stayed in bed those days until I just could not any longer without being late for work (not good as I teach at University).  I don't have those same thoughts every morning any more (just past 3 months out now), but I still have lots of moments where I have to remind myself it's true. 

 

Work, for me, was helpful.  It was the place I felt most "normal" because my husband was never there with me, so I didn't notice his absence nearly as much.  I had an opportunity to tell all my "customers" (students) at once in my first class back, but it was very difficult, and I choked up a few times.  Boy, how to freak out fifty 22 year olds at once!  But after that I found everyone to either be very caring and understanding or to just avoid it,which was ok too.  I completely understand not wanting to cry, but I don't know that anyone cares about that as much as we do.  I think people will be understanding.  If they care enough to ask about your baby, I would assume they will care enough to hear about your husband and will understand any tears.  Well, at least that is my sincere hope for you.  My only suggestion is to have a bit of a script ready.  That way you can detach a bit and just recite what you prepared.  That's what I did for all my classes.

 

Take care.

[Mizpah]

Today was exactly one month since my husband passed, or as you call it, "out"; I am one month out. Not sure why it is "out", as I am really one month in, IN to this personal Hell of unbearable loss. I drove today to the cemetery alone and had a good long cry there. It actually felt a little better after. I spent the rest of the day counting down the hours and minutes to the actual "event" as it happend, the time he could have felt his heart malfunctioning, the time someone started CPR, the time the ambulance arrived, the time they tried to resuscitate him, the time he was pronounced dead... 22:06, exactly the time my life ended together with his.

 

I have to get up and put one foot in front of the other for my baby girl, who just started to recognize my face and smiles now when she sees me; this is really bittersweet and I fight back the tears every time.

 

I spend all my free time reading this board, all the topics, really trying to determine what is ahead for me. One thing is clear that there will be no "moving on" or "getting over" , not really, not for me, as it is not for many of the regular widows/widowers who post here. One friend today said that she admired my strength and at the same time vulnerability through this time. Hell, I hate being strong, I would give everything to feel like a little girl in his arms, him hugging me and telling me it is going to be OK...

 

I hate that I have to be here, but I am so fortunate that I have found this board. Thank you again for listening...

 

There is no getting over, this is very true.  This will be a part of who you are, a part of your life, the fabric of your being, for the rest of your life, and I truly believe there is a part of me that will forever, until I die, be that woman who stood next to his hospital bed in the surgical ICU, and muttered, "My life is over."  Is IS unbearable, it is true.  And yet you are bearing it, and will bear it, as we have and do.  It is Worst Case Scenario.

 

Not only are you grieving and traumatized, but you're taking care of a newborn.  I have a 2-year-old, so I still recall the difficulties of that time period, and that was without fresh trauma/grief.  I really cannot imagine more difficult circumstances. 

 

It's totally normal, in my opinion, to be addicted to the board.  I was, and so were my fellow widows on the same timeframe.  I can't remember if you are or not or if you're able to, but I strongly, strongly recommend therapy if you can find someone you think is good. 

 

I returned to work in less than two weeks.  It was good in that I had to try to function and it was bad in that I had to try to function, if that makes sense.  I had an office and a door, so it was different for me - if I wanted to close a door and cry, I could.  Carry tissues.  Before I lost DH, I was in court one day (I'm an attorney).  I was at a conference with opposing counsel.  There was a break and we were chatting.  Out of nowhere (seemingly, to me, innocent of such things at the time), she teared up and began talking about how she had lost her soulmate, her husband, 20 years prior.  I felt terribly for her.  I can't remember what I said, but I'm sure it was feeble and awkward.  And then I was her.  My point though: it's normal to break down.  It's ok.  It's a nightmare.  (I do agree about the script.  Know how you're going to phrase the news.  It'll start you off on somewhat stable footing.)

 

Mornings were my hardest time as well. 

 

You don't get over it.  But time continues and so does your life, though at the beginning and for a very long time, your life is grief and mourning.  What you believe will be your life, what you believe your future will be, what you believe of yourself - the difference between that and your future reality may surprise you.  I have widow friends who were angered if anyone ever suggested they may find future happiness, who are currently married and very happy in their lives.  I have widow friends who dated again very quickly and seemed very open to future happiness, who are still very deep in grief.  And everything in between.  (I had never been in love like I had with DH - hadn't known it was possible to be that in love, and thought I'd never have true feelings for anyone again.  At about 2 years "in," I came alive again (through traveling by myself halfway around the world), and met a widower who I had feelings for - it was a huge surprise to me.  I won't lie - my life isn't the sparkling jewel it was, but there is sweetness in my life, and love.)  The future may be what you believe it will be, but it also may surprise you.  But right now, honestly, the future doesn't matter - it doesn't even really exist except as a hypothetical and something that seems desperately sad and never-ending without him.  My advice is to focus on the here and now - surviving this day, finding tiny little pieces of light, enjoying your daughter as much as you can, exploring your thoughts and going where they take you even when it hurts.  Take care of yourself and take care of her.  One foot in front of the other.  "Just keep walking," I would tell myself back then.  Just keep walking. 

[MamaZ]

How very sorry that you have joined this club. I could relate to your 20 years of doing EVERYTHING together. That was us. There was nothing I could do in my early widowed days that did not have a ragged, fresh, gaping hole in it. Ten years later, I DO find pleasure in the day to day and find ways to do things without him. It might amaze you when you figure out what you might be willing to try or risk for your baby. Our kids were two great reasons for me to keep going, even when I least wanted to.

 

Do whatever helps. Sometimes nothing, sometimes old things, sometimes new, weird stuff.

[mo12]

I am so, so sorry that you had reason to be here.  My husband died suddenly at age 27 in a skiing accident.  Our daughter was two months old at the time.  That was over 2 years ago, in 2014.  It is a long rough road, grieving while raising a baby, but you can do it.  Once the initial shock passed (which took months for me, but it's different for everyone), I learned to dip my feet into the grief without "falling down the rabbit hole."  I remember looking at my baby girl, seeing how much she was starting to look like him, and being physically in pain at how much I missed her Dad.  Now when she reminds me of him it makes me happy. 

It's not fair that this happened.  I agree with others who have written to ask for help- lots of it.  People mostly want to help but don't know what to do.  Be gentle with yourself, any and all of the intense feelings are normal after this awful loss.  Sending you strength.

[AbidingTime]

I am truly sorry.  I know that it has already been said but I think it is worth repeating - there is no imperative for you to "manage" your way out of this.  The world out there looking in at you is tainted by an amalgam of therapeutic and clinical advice.  This is America.  You are expected to manage your way from a to b. To "make progress" - move forward, get better.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to.  If you don't feel like getting better you don't have to right now.  If you want to wallow, wallow in it.  Throw a fit? Go for it.  Sit on the floor of the closet and stare at the clothes hanging there?  Go ahead and take your time doing it.

Don't you worry about measuring up to expectations or setting yourself on someone else's progress path.

[Tatianakm]

In about an hour it will be my first wedding anniversary without him; 19 years. Even though I manage to hold it together in public for the most of the time, shit, I MISS HIM !!! Miss his jokes, his antics, his hands, his smile, his scent, his voice. Happy Anniversary, my love, one day we will be whole again.

[AubreeAnn]

I feel so much pain for you because I feel the same. The wanting of everything about him. Sending big hugs to you and your baby. (((((HUGS)))))

[Tatianakm]

Approaching 4 months mark- feels like an eternity, but it was only 4 months ago I was happy and thriving. I actually started to feel a bit better; work and my daughter are occupying my mind for the most  part and I keep it together. 29th is approaching I am feeling shitty again, can't concentrate, can't stand people talking about meaningless stuff, can't tolerate being around other couples... I miss him so much, sit in his truck often, it still smells like his cologne and tobacco, he was secretly smoking, he thought he was invincible. The events split into two separate realms: before his death and after. Lonely, empty, unengaged, guilty of feeling so because of my little girl, yet can't do anything about apathy, don't eat, eat too much, trying hard not to drink. Why is it getting harder?

[TofinoMan]

Tatiana, I am sorry for your loss.

Just never lose focus of the treasure that is your baby.

That is the miracle your husband left behind for you.