Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function

[Tatianakm]

I have read through many posts and decided to share my pain. This is so unusual for me, as for the most part we have been very private about our life together, sharing everything and cherishing every moment, just me and my dear sweetheart, whom i lost on 2/29 due to cardiac arrest. This was not supposed to happen to us, we just had a new baby girl, Alice, whom we wiaited and pryed for for over 15 years. I gave birth on 2/08, we were on top of the world, overjoyed, making new plans for our new life together. My husband was so proud of our baby, showing her off to everybody.

That night, he worked nights, he played with us for a bit, practicing how he is going to carry her in the sling, placing baby in different positions and walking around with her, kissed us both, and left, happy and upbeat self. At 10:45 PM police knocked on the door, saying that his work was trying to get in touch with me and i should call local hospital ER right away. I panicked and called, doctor asked me to come in and would not tell me over the phone if he was responsive or not. I drove and cried, praying and pleading for him to be alive. Doctor said that they tried very hard, but he was unresponsive before He was brought in and they could not safe him. He passed very quickly in the matter of 5-10 minutes.

These last two weeks were just a black out. This was not supposed to happen, not now, not with our brand new baby, not to him, not to me...Being a problem solver and a project manager professionally, how do i "manage" myself out of this? How do i go on? How do i eat when he is not here to share a meal with me? Where should i go, if he is not there to accompany us? We were literally together in everything for close to 20 years. Now i just want to crawl into a corner and yelp until this physical pain goes away. I have to go on and take care of a newborn, have to be strong for her. Seems not possible, but i move in a daze counting down the hours until it is a bed time and i can wrap myseld in our blanket and still smell him.

Thank you for any words of wisdom, it helps to read all the posts of people who actually experienced the same and can offer some insight on how to survive.

[Guest Damiansinc]

There are others who are wiser than I.

 

Just hang on. Hang onto that baby. Try and remember that everything you feel is valid.

 

Sending deep love.

[Trying]

I am so very sorry for your loss, especially at what should be the happiest time of your life with your new baby.  Right now you need to focus on the basics, one day at a time, one hour at a time.  Accept any help that is offered to you now because the offers will diminish over time.  Make sure you are drinking plenty of water, trying to eat and rest.  Hold that baby tight, there is nothing more soothing than rocking a baby.  Do your best to not look too far into the future just yet, now is not the time and it will only overwhelm you. 

 

There are other widows here who were either pregnant or had newborns when they lost their spouses who can probably give you some practical advice about caring for a baby while grieving but I would say start writing down anything you think someone can help you with, no matter how small.  That way when people give you the vague offer "let me know if you need anything" you can pull out your list and say "could you fold laundry while I nap with the baby" or "could you take the baby for a walk so I can have 15 minutes alone in the shower for a good cry". 

 

Keep reading and posting here, this group has been my life preserver for the past 2 1/2 years.

[SoVerySad]

I am so very sorry for your loss, Tatianakm. The loss of your spouse is always heartbreaking and hard to understand. Given that you've just had a long awaited baby, it is even more so. Being a planner myself, I can tell you that it is too soon to be trying to formulate a plan other than just making it through each day taking care of your baby and yourself. Sometimes you may need to readjust that to just making it through an hour at a time. And that is okay. The loss of a spouse is unlike anything else you've ever been through. Having put pressure on myself to be managing it all better (as I was used to doing), I know that made it worse for me. Right now just focus on the basics as Trying has said. She's offered you good suggestions.

 

Again, I'm so sorry for you to have lost your husband at such a promising happy time in your lives.

I'm sending you tight hugs....

[daysofelijah]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My LH died when my youngest was 9 months old. I think taking care of her gave me a reason to go on, to not crawl into bed and never get out. I couldn't because I had her (and her siblings) that needed me. It's not much comfort where you are now I know, but she will help you through this very hard time. One day, one hour at a time.

[Jess]

Tatianakm, my heart breaks for you. I did not have children, but my husband also passed suddenly from a seizure that resulted in cardiac arrest in the ambulance. They couldn't bring him back. In an instant, my entire life as I knew it, everything I knew to be true, was just gone. How do you pick up the pieces from that? The truth is, you will find a way. Things will not look like you expected or wanted, but you can do this. Like Trying said, we have had other members with young babies or even pregnant when they were widowed. You are not alone in this. Just keep trying to take care of yourself- eat, drink water, sleep. You can do this and we are here to listen to you and support you however you however you need.

[Helena]

I?m so so sorry for your loss. My husband also passed away very suddenly and not at all expected, leaving me with three young children. Even if you don?t think you will survive another day -you will. I promise you. Your baby is going to keep you on your feet right now. Cry when you have to and try to eat.Vent here whenever you want. Many big tight hugs to you.

[donswife]

I am so sorry.

I also lost my husband suddenly from a heart attack

we didn't have children but I do understand losing your best friend

and how hard it is

like it has been said , take people up when they offer to help

I made a list of things I needed help with and people really want to be able to help

Just for now try and take care of yourself and your Baby

remember to breath ,

you will be amazed when you realize you are holding your breath at certain times

take care and come here often

it has been a life saver for me

 

 

[Tatianakm]

Thank you so much for all the kind words! I am so lucky to have found this forum, as i feel like I am totally alone in this. Today i had a major melt down in the supermarket. My LH and i had a routine when we would shop every Saturday at Trader Joe's and buy food for an entire week. I could not even step a foot into that store! But i needed some basics and took my mom, who traveled from Russia to help out with the baby, with me. Well, this was her first time in US supermarket and when she saw a wall of yogurt, she started to select the flavours she would like, also badgering me about my favourite. I just could have slapped her there, i got so angry and stared to cry in public. Who cares what flavour to eat, when i could barely get out of bed. She said that she just wanted to distract me. I am very thankful that she is here and she is very helpful with the baby, but even the most close person can not get it. There is no distraction now, every little thing around reminds me of him. I just want him back! I feel so lonely...oh, boy, i hate to see what tomorrow brings...

[SoVerySad]

Tatianakm, Many members here could tell you how they have cried their way through the grocery store. It is really a triggering place for many of us, which is hard because we need to go there. I did so much delivery for dinners for my kids after my husband first died because I minded the grocery store so much.

 

Sending you tight hugs...

[Jess]

Yes, the grocery store was impossible for me. I still hate it and put it off far too much. I had the realization at one point that I couldn'the even remember what I like to eat. It was always what we liked to eat and eating those things just made me sad.

[Jen]

I wish I had something better... I am so, so very sorry for your tragic loss. So many hugs to you and that sweet baby...

[Mrskro]

Hugs. I am so sorry for your loss.  I can't imagine with a young baby.  Please know we are here if you need to talk.

[Guaruj]

Hi Tatiana -

 

I'm very sorry to hear that you lost your husband. I hope you find yourself in good company here.

 

Today i had a major melt down in the supermarket. My LH and i had a routine when we would shop every Saturday at Trader Joe's and buy food for an entire week. I could not even step a foot into that store!

 

As others have already mentioned, it's not easy going to the supermarket during your first few months of widowhood. I avoided going out in public as much as possible during those days. My regular supermarket was quite large and always busy, so I didn't go there (also, the whole company went on strike at that time).

 

I tried shopping at another large supermarket, but I hated it and I was constantly disoriented there. I found it much easier to go to a small supermarket, which happened to be... Trader Joe's.

 

Do you have another Trader Joe's location nearby which might not trigger so much distress?

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[Mizpah]

Being a problem solver and a project manager professionally, how do i "manage" myself out of this? How do i go on? How do i eat when he is not here to share a meal with me? Where should i go, if he is not there to accompany us? We were literally together in everything

 

I can very much relate, as I know many/all of us can, to this feeling.  ("I don't want to eat if he can't eat.")  (Public crying = totally normal!  You'll do it less over time.)  You can't manage yourself out of this.  You can only experience it, feel it, suffer through it, and very very slowly, gradually, with time, rebuild a life and a vision of your future that doesn't make you want to fall to your knees and scream, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!," for the rest of your time on earth.  My DH and I also spent all of our time together in a happy bubble, and I also lost him extremely suddenly (left for work Friday, looking forward to our weekend, and by noon, he'd been hit by a car while standing on a sidewalk).  That was almost 5 years ago now (5 years?!  WTF?!  How?!).  What I can tell you: the early days feel so long, you put so much pressure on yourself to make "progress," or you punish and judge yourself for wanting to not feel so much pain, because if he's gone, how can you have any relief?  What I can tell you: I barely remember the first few months, and it's probably a mercy.  Having to take care of your daughter will force you to function to a certain extent, but I hope that if you have assistance, you will avail yourself of it and give yourself time for you every now and then - to think, to cry, to write if it gives you solace.  I hope you will find bits of happiness in seeing pieces of him in her.  There's no getting around it: it's unbearable, and yet we are tasked with bearing it.  You will create a happy life/family for your daughter (and yourself), but for now, set the bar very very very very low.  Survive.  Feel the pain and sadness fully.  At about two years out, I felt alive again - I had died with him, and felt that way for a long time.  I have a daughter who's almost 2, with a widower.  Taking care of a newborn, baby, toddler - it takes away so much of your freedom and your ability to be a person yourself.  You've got trauma, and loss, and taking care of a baby - you have all of my sympathy, and I wish I could do something.  Feel free to message me anytime.  We're all here for you.  We've all walked your loss path, and some here had newborns when they lost their partner.  I'm thinking of you.  Just keep breathing, putting one foot in front of the other, hydrating, and feeding your daughter and changing her diapers and holding her.  The rest is for another time. 

[Tatianakm]

Thank you so very much to all of you, guys! I am finding myself being addicted to this forum and checking things constantly. I am sure this will change when i will have to get back to work. For now i find some strange comfort in reading everybody's stories.

Today was exactly two weeks since the entombment, he wanted to be put into a wall...We joked about it when he was alive, but i am so relieved that i was able to arrange for his final wish. When i was driving to visit him, strangely i felt almost happy in anticipation to see him, almost as if we had a date. This is all so sad and pathetic. I brought our baby to show her off to him, how she is thriving and growing. He would be so proud!

On another note, his parents, who are still well, were quick to share with me that they bought out a double space right under his. This was never a plan, they never wanted this until now? Their relationship was rocky when he was alive. His father always competed with him for the accomplishments and never could be just proud and accepting, always had to "one up" my husband. His mother guilted him constantly. This was some sort of co-dependancy, instead of love all he felt was guilt. Now, even in death, my poor husband can not be left in peace. They had to "one up" again. This left me angry and helpless that i could not shield him from them.

When i got home from the cemetery, his car was in the driveway, i almost forgot that he is gone, for a split second i felt like he is home. I am not sure what to do with the car. I am not ready to let it go, hell, i want to keep his beer in the fridge forever. This is pure agony...

 

[Wheelerswife]

I am finding myself being addicted to this forum and checking things constantly. I am sure this will change when i will have to get back to work. For now i find some strange comfort in reading everybody's stories.

 

Tatianakm, we don't find this odd at all.  Many, many of us come here and read several times a day.  It is really common to spend hours on here in the early weeks.  I've read this board and its precursor for about 6 1/2 years.  Don't feel bad for reading.

 

I used to visit my first husband's grave almost every day.  I would stand there and talk to him and tell him about my day.  I would tell him how sad I was that I couldn't keep him alive any longer.  I told him a lot of things...thankfully nobody overheard my conversations.  When I met my second husband, I went there and told him that, too. 

 

I'm sorry about your in-laws.  Some people's perception of reality just isn't the same as others, eh?  You know his truth, and that is what matters. 

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[linda5]

Tatianakm, I'm so sorry for you loss.  Your story brought tears to my eyes.  I also lost my husband suddenly, but our kids were older... the youngest just started college.  Even after 35 years of marriage, you brought back all of my emotions I had when my husband first died.  I just want you to know, that I still grieve every single day for my husband, but I can survive.  I do find joy and happiness in some days and I'm praying you will too.  Just take it one day/one moment at a time.  I know it must be so difficult with a newborn ... just hang on.  I'm praying for you.

[Amor]

I am glad you are able to get something good out of the boards here.  I know it has helped me being here. 

I often want to leave everything that we had the same.  If I had enough money I would not change a thing. When you are ready you can decide what to do with any of your things, do not let anyone rush you into anything now.

Amor

[Guaruj]

Tatiana -

 

I'm glad you find it helpful to come here. I hope we see more of you.

 

Today was exactly two weeks since the entombment, he wanted to be put into a wall...We joked about it when he was alive, but i am so relieved that i was able to arrange for his final wish. When i was driving to visit him, strangely i felt almost happy in anticipation to see him, almost as if we had a date. This is all so sad and pathetic. I brought our baby to show her off to him, how she is thriving and growing. He would be so proud!

 

Please don't describe yourself as "pathetic" for doing this. Cemeteries exist so that the bereaved (such as yourself) may do these things. I lost my wife, Catherine, in July 2014. Like Maureen, I visited her grave nearly every day during my first year of widowhood. I was there this morning tending to the grass and shrubs. And, yes, I do talk to her while I'm there. It's not rational behavior, but it is human.

 

As you already noticed, it's helpful to you to remain as faithful to your spouse's wishes as possible.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

 

p.s. I thought it was wonderful that you brought baby with you to visit your husband.

[Tatianakm]

Thank you so much for all support and words of comfort, guys! Today marks 3 weeks since my husband passed away.  I can not say "died", it seems so final. Passed away seems like he is just away... I had to cancel his cell phone line several days ago, told AT&T that he passed, only to receive a letter today that "they missed him" and invitation to join back. That was when i have lost it, he is dead and will never be able to "join back".

 

Mondays are just so hard, i can barely stand it. Monday was the happiest day of my life- my baby girl was born on Monday. Monday is the most horrible day in my life- my dear sweetheart was taken away on Monday. Just 6 weeks today since my daughter was born and three weeks since my husband passed. I am so lost. I meant to be a hands on mother and very much so. We had so many plans and visions how we are gong to parent and bring up our baby. I feel so guilty, as i am barely mastering feeding and diaper change and outsourced most of caring for the baby to my mom. Thank God she is here! I feel like a total failure as a mother.

The Fly Dubai airplane crash reminded me of our trip to Madeira almost 10 years ago. When we were to land in Lisbon, we were in the most horrific turbulence, that we thought that was it, we were about to crash, i am talking like nothing both of us ever experienced before. We held each other and said our "good byes", thanking each other for great 10 years of the love and care. Funny thing was, none of us felt scared, the feeling was light and we were really OK. Now i almost wish we did die together that day... I feel like a dog that was abandoned by the owners; do not know what i have done wrong to deserve this? And the thought that i will never feel his love, hear him saying that it will be OK, feel the comfort of his embrace, just unbearable.

[kjs1989]

I am so very sorry, Tatiana.

 

Everything you said takes me back three years. The panic in the grocery store about a week after his death when I finally ventured out of the house for the first time after the funeral. Oh, yes. I felt completely out of body. All the people wandering around with their carts like zombies. I thought I was in another world. It was all very surreal. My sister was with me. I started to hyperventilate in the check-out line while the cashier made small talk to the customer in front of us. Horrible. My sister saw it coming on and told the cashier we needed to check out quickly and be on our way.

 

Also, driving... I did not drive myself anywhere for several months because I could not focus. I know I would have had a panic attack in the car. It was a very gradual thing. I drove a few blocks here and there. Gradually, I began to function just a bit better and could get myself places.

 

Please, don't be afraid to do whatever you need to do to survive at this point. My doctor put me on Xanax which was a lifesaver for me. I still am prone to anxiety which I never dealt with before in my life. Now, if I feel uneasy I take 1/2 a pill, not every day, but it has helped me to function and live life and I am not afraid to admit it.

 

[Tatianakm]

Hello, my fellow wids. I thought i would post an update. It helps to share my thoughts here, sort of like writing a journal. Never actually had a journal, this is another first for me.

 

I started to deal with a lot of necessary items, like estate settlement. My husband passed away without a will and all the property is in his name only, naturally, we were just living carefree life, not planning for death, but living life to it's fullest. Everywhere i am forced to share my story and recount the events, only to see deep sympathy on people's faces. I just hate it and can not stand it at all. Especially when the other person hears that i have a six weeks old baby. Even the estate attorney was so touched that he waved his consultation fees, as a father of two beautiful girls, he said this was the least he could do. I am of cause very thankful, but i hate to see that my baby's birth turned into a charity case. I was so proud before this, thinking i can handle anything what comes my way, thinking i was invinsible. Boy, this is some humbling experience. I feel beat down now.

 

Everything that mattered in mylife before the death of my husband now seems so shallow and superficial. This was some sort of the lesson i was supposed to learn. Boy, with a newborn i can not even get drunk once, i could use some heavy liquor just about now. Have to stay put, the baby needs me.

Thank you for listening...

[SoVerySad]

I'm glad to read your update. Making those calls to settle things is so hard. I had to limit myself to one per day, because it was so hard to tell the story of why I was calling. I can understand not wanting to be considered a charity case or feel like others are pitying you. That said, I hope you can see that your situation doesn't make you any less strong than you were. You've been put into an extremely difficult and sad circumstance, so you are being challenged in ways you never were before. Of course you feel beat down right now. That is understandable and to be expected.

 

My heart breaks for you, not in any sense of pity, but in the sense that you're going through such a sad loss at what should be one of the best times of your life. I wish you didn't have to be.

 

Sending you hugs...

[Tatianakm]

Today was exactly one month since my husband passed, or as you call it, "out"; I am one month out. Not sure why it is "out", as I am really one month in, IN to this personal Hell of unbearable loss. I drove today to the cemetery alone and had a good long cry there. It actually felt a little better after. I spent the rest of the day counting down the hours and minutes to the actual "event" as it happend, the time he could have felt his heart malfunctioning, the time someone started CPR, the time the ambulance arrived, the time they tried to resuscitate him, the time he was pronounced dead... 22:06, exactly the time my life ended together with his.

 

I have to get up and put one foot in front of the other for my baby girl, who just started to recognize my face and smiles now when she sees me; this is really bittersweet and I fight back the tears every time.

 

I spend all my free time reading this board, all the topics, really trying to determine what is ahead for me. One thing is clear that there will be no "moving on" or "getting over" , not really, not for me, as it is not for many of the regular widows/widowers who post here. One friend today said that she admired my strength and at the same time vulnerability through this time. Hell, I hate being strong, I would give everything to feel like a little girl in his arms, him hugging me and telling me it is going to be OK...

 

I hate that I have to be here, but I am so fortunate that I have found this board. Thank you again for listening...