2nd Year is harder

[Sam Fritz]

Hi All:

I'm new to this forum and have never posted before. I also am still figuring out how this works - how to search, reply, etc. But I wanted to write that the second year was much harder than the first for me. The shock and novelty wears off and everything is more real. It's been almost 2 1/2 years for me now and I cry about my husband's death and miss him now more than I ever did.

Anyone else?

[Trying]

Welcome to the group no one ever wanted to need.  I hope you find the comfort and support I have.

 

There is a lot about the second year that is harder.  The first year was all about surviving, I kept thinking "I just have to get through this day" whether it was a holiday, special event, anniversary, all of the firsts.  Then the all of the "firsts" were behind me and I realized that I still had to keep going alone.  Now I am left to figure out my new life and how to start living instead of just surviving.  It's quite daunting  and all the while I still miss him every day. 

[BrokenHeart2]

Yes SF and Trying, I have found year two very difficult. Maybe not harder but hard in a different way but still as difficult. This just all sucks and sometimes I feel so hopeless.  I hate it so much.

Hugs

[shan12]

Yep.... I am finding the second year even more difficult than the first. I am not really sure why this is so...Nobody in my life has any inkling how much pain I am in on a daily basis or how incredibly fragile I feel. The normal everyday stresses of life just knock me for a loop WAY more that I think they should. I had to put my beloved 14 year old dog down earlier this week... my faithful companion who hasn't left my side since the day my husband died.... I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. I KNEW this was coming and yet the added loss just sent me spiraling down to that horrible place we all know about. I received a call from my daughter, who is in college 10 hours away. She was crying about a minor issue (big deal to her), and I comforted and consoled her. Then I got off the phone and lost it.... ended up more upset than she was!!! What is wrong with me??? I know I really need to get myself together, I am just so worn out and tired of the struggle.

[Guest TooSoon]

Hi there.  This thread is timely; I've just spent the past few days trying to sort out what my latest prolonged meltdown was about.  I passed year two at the beginning for February - so its about 26 months over here.  In year two I pulled myself together.  It is still no walk in the park but I owned it, this life that got foisted on me.  And I started living again.  Imperfectly but living to the extent that I could experience real joy and be present in the moment and trust in a future.  In year two I let go of pointing fingers and of expectations and anger.  In year two I forced myself to face some things that needed changing.  As I put it to someone the other day, I stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop for the first time in a long time! 

 

Most importantly, I learned to accept that some things in life just suck simply because they suck.  They don't suck because Scott died.  They suck because that's just life.  Some things are just a condition of being alive not a condition of being widowed.  For me, and I am just one person, that was a major epiphany that sort of jolted me out of my longtime mind set. 

 

 

[Jen]

 

Most importantly, I learned to accept that some things in life just suck simply because they suck.  They don't suck because Scott died.  They suck because that's just life. 

 

This is precisely what I'm trying to come to terms with. Not having a lot of luck, but I'm working on it.

[Guest tableforone]

The second year was very difficult for me as well. It seemed that I had worked so hard to get through the first year and somehow had thought that year two would provide some relief. It didn't. The loneliness was ever present. Year three was much easier. Hold on.

[BrokenHeart2]

I'll hold on, the alternate is not an option. It still sucks though.

[Mr C]

I am now at 13 months. The tide of grief had been rising for over a week and the waves finally came crashing down with a vengeance this weekend. They felt as strong as ever and really sucked the life out of me. I am hoping that was the end of this round.

 

I have so much I want to accomplish that is right in front of me. But I have been tripping over this grief again and it is so demoralizing.

[Guest littlebirdie]

Yes, the second year was harder. All of the small things that he used to handle really got to me, and it was during this time period that I realized that this is how my life is going to be forever. It was really difficult to come to terms with that fact. I will hit the three year mark four months from today, and the third year has been a whole lot better for me. Not easy, but a lot less sucky.

[Carey]

16 months to the day today. I agree, year 2 seems worse. It makes the "foreverness" of him being gone more real, if that makes any sense at all. So much of year one was shock and survival, frantically trying to move and handle finances and just cover the hole with a bandaid.  Shock protects us from more than I think I ever knew, and when it's gone the reality is harsh.  This doesn't have an end to it. it's ALWAYS going to be there.  He's NEVER coming home.  Finality speaks volumes when you're forced to face it.

[Gabzmom]

I agree.  The second year seemed to be harder for me.  I became acutely aware of the finality of it all during the second year.  I at nearly 33 months. 

[Eddienhp]

3-1/2 years for me. First year I was just numb and surviving. Like someone posted, just trying to get through significant dates (anniversary, birthday, etc). Second year around 18 months was tough. Reality hit. This is what my life had become. It wasn't pretty. I am thankful to have my kids who needed someone to help them so I had to be an active participant in life. We went places and had fun but deep inside me there was overwhelming sadness. That mostly dissipated around the 3rd anniversary. Now I feel I can be joyous again. I remember my husband without the sadness and pain associated to him.

E

[CBB]

Right there with all of you. The second year has been a real suckfest! Just when I think I have this figured out, the grief monster grabs me and pulls the rug out from under me again. 22 long months and counting..It has to get better, right? 

[MamaZ]

I am just entering year 9, now. Year 2 was awful for me! I had somewhat gotten my kids through year one, and managed to not burn the house down (widda brain), BUT had not been able to work through my own grief yet. Society withdrew its support after completion of the magical first year. I was alone, no longer cocooned by shock, and REALLY feeling it. It stunk, big time.

 

I will say that I learned to roll with the waves, and started chiseling out a new life for myself, in time. It sounds cliche to say it gets better, but oddly, it does, despite not getting my wish (him back).

[Guest look2thesky]

After a year of firsts, reality sets in. 2nd harder than the first, then it becomes more complacent. Not resolution but it eased over the third year. I think it then become a cycle of ups and downs, but the ups became more frequent.

[Guest marian1953]

year two just sucked donkey balls. Peter wasn't coming back, the lawsuit shit brought me to my knees every time I got an email or letter from either parties. I thought I had to do so much work to clear my husband's good name but that was the attornies task. . It was the beginning of the third year- he died on New  Year's Day, so I was like the Ancient Mariner or something to my friends, so no Christmas or New Year's Eve invites.. The third year I actually went to the dog park - in the Santa Monica Mountains, and I didn't have a dog- and just wished everyone in sight Happy New Year! That was the start of the change for me.

Marian

[Baylee627]

I'm finding this to be valid. Honestly, I couldn't have dreamed any subsequent year could be worse than the first. Cut to the lead-up to the year anniversary, the day itself, and now, a couple weeks after, and I'm a hot mess. The epic downward spiral commenced just after the New Year.

 

And is still in full swing.

 

The stark and uncompromising reality that DH is never coming back, and doesn't even inhabit this earth just overwhelms me. And undoes me.

 

Baylee

 

 

[Ursula]

Dear all, I can relate to bits of all your postings. The first year was a survival camp, now it is surviving and trying to find some joy and stuff that makes me happy even for the slightest moment in a bleakness I never thought I could find myself in. I am meant to be a happy person, not a miserable one!!! I am angry at fate or life or whatever it is. And I am so deeply frustrated, I don't know how to ever get out of it. I am having 'good' times, but my inside is just so broken. It surfaces when there are moments of stress in my response to it. A lot of you have spoken about the finality of things, and how palpable it becomes now. I survived the 1st year anniversary and now I cannot think about the future without a cramp in my stomach. My tear glands are hypertrophied I am sure, they have produced so many tears over the last year. I cried an ocean. and yes, after a year 'it's about time to come round' , no? I have stopped listening to how people respond and I have written to a very insensitive friend how her actions have thrown me back....I haven't heard from her for weeks and she is an avid blogger and very versatile in her written expression....oh , never mind. I have learnt to stick to the people who care and try to express and communicate with me. 

I have come to realize what I have read a lot about early on, when I did not believe this was possible, that it does get a bit easier, the coping and the playing at life, but really, it hurts as it always has. I must find a way out of this misery, because it does not help anybody, least myself. Knowing how would be a great start....hugs to all of you.

 

[CBB]

Hugs to everyone,

 

Year two has been a rollercoaster for sure. After the first year I figured ok..all the firsts are out of the way. This next year should go smoother. But as many of us here know and have said, that wasn't the case. It is still throwing me curves and finally striking me out five months ago. It felt like I started back at square one again. Compounded grief? Oh I think so.

 

I am learning slowly like Toosoon stated that it isn't just widowhood that is sucking just that life happens and can sometimes suck. BIG time. I am hoping and praying for all of us here we get more glimpses of happiness and our burdens become fewer in the future. I cling to that hope with every ounce of strength I have left. I am very grateful to have others here on this board to share and to listen when I feel so alone.

 

 

Huge hugs, Cyndi

 

 

[Grammy]

(((((Hugs)))))  The second year was much harder than the first for me.  Hang on!!!! It does get easier, everyone just travels this journey at their own pace.  Sometimes it one step forward, two steps back.  It is okay to have days when you just need to breathe.  (((((Hugs)))))

[linda5]

Just had my 2 year sadiversary in March.  Two years sucked for me, because like some of you said, everyone thinks we healed by now, and we can't tell them how we really feel.  I found out if I went out with friends and had a good time, laughed, and just really enjoyed myself, the next day would be hell!  I would cry all day long.  It was like my brain was punishing me for being able to forget for just a little while that my husband died.  Just starting into that third year (can I really have survived this long without him?), and have smaller crying spells now.  I'm mostly able to go out and not punish myself the next day.  Wishing you all peace and comfort.

[Ursula]

very much in tune with what most of you say here. Yes, somehow the first year a survival trip, and there was an unspoken promise that things would get better once that was through. Unfortunately not so. Have come to realize that yes, this pain may turn into an ache, but it will be there forever. Brandished forever. Won't go away, e v e r.  This is my life now. I am reduced to someone constantly on the edge of collapse , for minor things, things that should not get to me, but they do and big time.

And knowing, that I cannot ever be the person I was before. That the positive surge I always felt in me, has gone. I have totally lost my red thread, that used to pull me through life (if you know what I mean, something like my will and want for life). Now? I have to raise our child, I cry every evening when he says good night to his papa, because I hate fate for taking him away from him and he is just a small child. I cannot think ahead into the future anymore, it suffocates me to think ahead more than a month. And yes, it is very lonely , incredibly and unsupportably lonely.  Oh yes, after a year one should be about over it (I hear it, without people saying anything)...

Hanging in there, just.