I can't make it without him

[AubreeAnn]

I know he would want me to but I don't want a life without him, I don't want to move forward without him. This pain is too much to handle. I want this gone I want to be with him again. I need him.

[SoVerySad]

Oh, honey, I understand. I have felt the same way so many times, particularly in the earlier months you are in. The pain is so great that you just feel like you can't handle another minute. In time that really searing pain you are feeling now gets a little softer, but I realize that isn't a help right now when you feel like you can't take another minute. I'm sending you a private message, so check your message box, okay?

 

Sending you the tightest of hugs...

[Wheelerswife]

Oh, sweetie, the pain is so strong, isn't it?  I was diagnosed with cancer after my husband died and I just wanted it to take me out of my misery.  (It didn't!)  But as hard as this is, we all somehow manage to get through to the next day.  Keep breathing...and keep coming here for support from people like SoVerySad.  She is awesome.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Mrskro]

Oh Honey;

 

I get that pain,  it feels so raw, devastating.  I know the words don't really help, but the pain does lighten.  Eventually it gets a little easier to breathe.  Sending hugs to you! 

[Jess]

AubreeAnn, I have been there. I used to fantasize about the different ways I could just be taken out. The first bit of excitement I had after my husband passed was when there was the ebola scare. But, obviously ebola didn't get me nor did a random meteor from the sky. This will likely be the hardest thing you have ever done, but you can do it. Focus on taking care of yourself, even though it may be the last thing you want to do. We are here.

[Mizpah]

I used to call it being tasked with bearing the unbearable.  You can't and yet you have and are and will.  It doesn't feel survivable.  But it is.  Somehow.  You will gain strength and peace slowly over time.  And we are all here to tell you we've been there and KNOW.  Know it in our bones and our souls.  Back then, I didn't WANT to feel better because feeling better meant further from him, in time and in heart/soul.  There will be greater peace.  There will be relief from the searing pain.  For now, just survive.  Lean on us.  I'm sending you love.

[Kater]

AubreeAnn, I have only been at this for not quite 5 months, so I very much remember those feelings.  I am a pretty positive upbeat person, but this hit me like nothing before.  I thought about cutting, suicide, and was almost jealous when I heard someone had cancer.  To say those thoughts were completely out of my character is an understatement. 

 

I also remember reading from so many that it would get better.  Honestly, there was a part of me that didn't want to think it would get better.  I think I believed that my grief kept me connected to him and that if the grief let go then the connection would too.  But I soldiered on day by day.  This community was extremely helpful for me.  It was a place that confirmed I was not crazy and reinforced that I just needed to keep going.

 

And then one day - somewhere between the 3 and 4 month anniversaries - I noticed the grief had lightened.  I don't really know when it happened.  I imagine it was gradual but it was noticeable in a moment.  I haven't participated in any therapy but was actively doing things to "move through" the grief based on some books, some comments on this and other communities like it, and just allowing myself to do what I felt like I needed to do.  For me, it was important to keep connected to "safe" people - those that know me and my situation - but then also to have quiet times to journal (I wrote him a letter every day in those first couple of months), to rest and just be. 

 

So it is true - it does get better.  But we all remember how awful those first few months are.  They are like nothing I have ever experienced, that's for sure.  I can't say I am there yet, wherever there is.  Still lots of things to work through.  I still don't always see the point of living, but no longer have any thoughts of hurting myself. 

 

Know that you are in our thoughts and you can always come here to say the things you can't say IRL.  you will be heard and understood completely.

 

Take care.  Kate

[Jen]

((((((((HUGS)))))))

[stolendance]

I am at 7 months and I think the pain changes... and becomes bearable. I think eventually you come to peace like they have... I am unsure when that happens as I know it hasn't happened for myself yet. Take care of yourself! Live life for you both! Thats what I am trying to do and it seems to help.

 

I agree with Kater...journaling and resource books have helped me; as well as exercise. I hope it gets better soon for you.

 

 

[NicY]

AubreeAnn, I am only at the 3 months mark and I have days where I just don't want to be here anymore. I have a 12 year old daughter and people keep telling me I have to live for her. I can't even comprehend that..why should I when the pain is just too much to bear. When I am no longer the mom I used to be. What's the point when your partner and soulmate is gone for good? These dark thoughts consume my mind and heart every so often. But I have learned that when it does I need to let myself feel the pain, anger and disappointment. So, I sit and cry my heart out. I let it all out and often feel better after a damn good cry. Funny thing is I feel connected to my husband and my daughter afterwards. I am not suggesting you do the same. I just want you to know that you're not alone and I feel it too. Take care of yourself xx

[trying2breathe]

Early grief is so so difficult, so sorry that you've become a member of a group that nobody wants to join.  In the early dark days, I had moments when I didn't think that I'd make it.  And some how, some way, the days and weeks go by and the waves of grief are less and less. 

 

Drink water, eat when you can, breathe, take care of just what you need to.  Take any offers of help, and know that all of us here are with you and you are not alone.

[Trying]

I look back on those early days and it's as if it happened to someone else.  My memories are fuzzy which I think is a blessing because I don't need to relive that pain.  I'm not sure exactly when things started to change from not wanting to go on to acceptance that life must go on but I know it was a gradual process, starting with only brief moments of hope that took a while to string together.  Now the scales have tipped and the good moments outweigh the bad, 32 months later and I won't lie to you and say that there aren't still bad days but they are infrequent.

 

For me, the hardest thing was when I looked too far ahead.  Imagining the rest of my life without my DH was too painful.  So I would focus on the day in front of me only.  Making small goals for the day, some days very small, and trying to block out the thoughts of a future without him.

 

We are all here for you.

[donswife]

wanted to you to know I read your post

we are here for you and I am so sorry you are feeling this way

take care of yourself as much as you can

 

[sandrine2279]

I really feel the same. morevoer I feel like if I don't wait for him then nobody else will do and  I let him behing me and and then  won't come back.

or, the idea is unbearable for me, at four weeks out.

 

hugs

[AubreeAnn]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I'm thankful for you all

[Quixote]

One day at a time.  It hurts more than anything, but as you say, he'd want you to keep living. Reminding yourself of that helps.