relationship advice

[klim]

Ok I'm asking only because my head is stuck in a loop.

 

I know I will make my own decision in time but just seeing how the outside world would view this. And you all give thoughtful advice and different points of view.

 

Background. Lost my husband to a sudden heartattack  in  spring 2013. By fall 2013 I needed to get out as the house was too empty. Joined a meetup for hiking and biking etc. By November I moved to socializing with the group. One guy and I hit it off and he asked me on some dates.

 

For the next 6 months dating was a little erratic because when he asked me out he was supposed to be taking a break from his ex and it wasn't really settled. By August I stepped away and said figure it out, this is too crazy.  By December we were back together and have been dating solidly for a year and half.

 

Right now what is happening is I want to future think and he now admits he still thinks about his ex so he is scared his feelings for me are not real enough since he still has other thoughts. He says he can't figure it out, that it's illogical and that he truly loves me but he is just scared of screwing me up, because he  is screwed up. In honesty he seems so conflicted when we talk I believe he really wants to move forward, to forget ex ,  to be focused soley on me.

 

So my thoughts waver, Sometimes I think " This is crazy,if you can't be with me 100% by now....move on"...... and sometimes I say " Whatever, nobody's perfect, you've never treated me wrong , we're so good together....maybe I can wait this out"

 

And it's true, we really suit each other and have such good times together...never argued, do lots together, vacations, life, he helps me emotionally when I'm dealing with my sons and their issues. He's a good guy. The stumbling block, future think, blocked by ex experience.

 

Okay dissect, analyze, give me your thoughts..... Thanks

 

 

 

[Mizpah]

he now admits he still thinks about his ex so he is scared his feelings for me are not real enough since he still has other thoughts. He says he can't figure it out, that it's illogical and that he truly loves me but he is just scared of screwing me up, because he  is screwed up. In honesty he seems so conflicted when we talk I believe he really wants to move forward, to forget ex ,  to be focused soley on me.

 

 

My philosophy in relationships is always that if there is a third party involved, I will no longer involve myself.  You deserve to be the one he wants to be with, the one he's thinking about.  The things he's said, while "just being honest," and that's good, have got to be incredibly hurtful and heartbreaking to hear.  He's had a long time to get over his ex.  For me, being with someone after such a long period of time who says they fear their feelings aren't "real enough," that's a dealbreaker.  Feelings for someone else (who is alive), that's a dealbreaker.  We all draw our own lines, but those are some of mine....

[BrokenHeart2]

Have to agree with Mizpah! I would be gone!  If the ex is still on his mind it would be a deal breaker for me. Good luck and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Hugs

 

[Portside]

Klim - while I've stated previously that a relationship is only the business of the three people involved, that was meant as a joke.

 

When I was dating, I only associated myself with women who were legally and emotionally available to me. It sounds to me like your friend is not - the reasons for his lack of total availability are not important - good guy or not.

 

Sorry but that's how I see it.  :-\

 

Good luck - Mike

 

 

[daysofelijah]

I agree with the others that it sounds like he's not available. The advice I read consistently is to not date men who have not been officially divorced for at least a year and to not be the first woman he dates after the divorce. I think that's pretty good advice for many reasons.

 

My guy has been divorced three years, I'm his second 6+ month relationship since the divorce. I still sometimes struggle with his emotionally inavailability and his constant need to "take things slow". I do have a little bit of a feeling of this is okay for now and if he doesn't make a move toward marriage in the next year I will have to call it off, but for now I am happy. He assures me he is over his ex and has no feelings for her anymore, but I know he still has a lot of hurt over the whole situation.

 

I think the fact that your guy honestly admits he still thinks of and has feelings for his ex is not a good sign that he's going to be ready to move on any time soon. I'd recommend breaking it off and dating others. If he comes back to you in time, then maybe, but you deserve someone who will commit to you.

[serpico]

and sometimes I say " Whatever, nobody's perfect, you've never treated me wrong , we're so good together....maybe I can wait this out"

 

This is probably how I would feel.  His admissions to you obviously signal that a long-term commitment isn't likely in the near future (and nor would you want one), but if that's not what you're looking for right now, why not wait a bit and see if he comes around?

 

I can see the reasons for the other advice you're getting on this thread, but I guess it all depends what you're looking for out of this...  If nothing else, I think what he is telling you should put an end to any future-thinking.

[Trying]

This is a difficult situation.  I think it's great that he is being honest with you even though the truth could end things.  I would not allow myself to future think with someone who has one foot in the past but that's easier said than done if that's where your feelings are taking you. I would want to talk about this more with him.  When he says he still thinks about the ex what exactly does that mean? Is he idealizing their relationship and comparing yours to theirs? Would he go back to her if she would take him?  Or is he just suffering the pain of rejection and loss and having difficulty moving forward? 

 

The main thing is that you need to protect your heart.  Walking away will be painful but if he leaves you for his ex or can't ever commit, that would be worse.

[Sugarbell]

I wouldn't future think (yea I know that's not for everyone though). Some guys don't like to talk, plan ahead, etc...They like to do...like in the here and now. You have mutual activities you both enjoy and have fun together.

The more you future talk the more he will push back. When he sees you don't care about that stuff...then it's more appealing to him. Really...it's what you can live with.

 

If you are happy with the here and now day by day...I think it's perfect. If it's really bothering you that he can't commit or has those feelings (which it may really have nothing to do with the ex or you...some people just don't want to totally commit..its him) then maybe you should give it a break.

 

 

[mmg19]

From what you have written previously and this post, you sound like a thinking woman.  You will do what is right for you.  I can only comment on how I would be in this situation.  After 1.5 years, compatible, enjoy doing things together, I would future think too.

 

Honesty, good guy .....doesn't mean he is the right guy and I would protect my heart.  Investing your emotions and love into a relationship with a man who obviously does not want commitment for whatever reasons is more than I would be willing to do.

 

 

[MrsDan]

I can only tell you what I would be capable of, and I would not be capable of continuing in this situation. I dated a guy briefly before Dan, he was still hung up on his ex. And I knew that going in, but went into it anyway. But then I realized, waiting for the other shoe to drop was not for me. So I broke it off, I met and married Dan and the two of them got married and have three kids. Dan was a much better match for me for a lot of reasons, but one of the biggest ones is this: Dan would have never ever considered it acceptable to put me in that position. That's what would bother me too. Someone who would be willing to, for lack of a better term, string you along, that's just not attractive to me. I get that there's something to be said for living in the here and now, but it doesn't seem like you are the only one on his mind in the here and now. And the problem with that mindset is you could missing out on someone who would make you his one and only, who would give you what you deserve. Which frankly, is more than this.

[Taurus]

....

And it's true, we really suit each other and have such good times together...never argued, do lots together, vacations, life, he helps me emotionally when I'm dealing with my sons and their issues. ...

 

Sounds like you've already decided to keep it going in the hope he'll turn the corner. You're the only person best-positioned to decide whether your neediness can drown out the background noise of his ex.

Test his commitment by informing him that you feel you need to date others as his clinginess to his ex is an insult to you.

[Guest TooSoon]

you could missing out on someone who would make you his one and only, who would give you what you deserve.

 

This is exactly what I came to this thread to say.  Surely there are lots of factors in play that you haven't enumerated here, but even so, we aren't kids anymore and this isn't a game.  Are you sure you're ok with being the one "on hold"?  Forgive me if I am reading this wrong.  I also agree that first and foremost you must protect your own heart and if you stay in the relationship, be prepared not to get what you want.  This I say from experience, unfortunately. 

[Captains wife]

This is a tough one as that is not something I would want to hear when trying to formulate a serious relationship with someone. It really comes down to what you are ok with and that you are protecting your heart from potential future disappointment. But just to add a different perspective - I've been in the situation that your guy is in now. Trying to move forward with someone I care for while still pining over the loss of an ex (not my husband) - and at the time I told him how I felt, which was a terrible idea and in the end was the downfall of our relationship eventually. But when I look back on the situation, I realized that given the kind of person I am I was just having a hard time letting go of someone I cared for and I was romanticizing our prior relationship - and it wasn't at all fair to the new guy I was dating. And in hindsight  I was glad my ex and I didn't get back together as he wouldn't have made a good life partner (far too selfish). It's not fair to keep you in limbo for sure but maybe your guy is just having a hard time emotionally extricating himself from his past relationship - and maybe it's just taking longer than the normal timeline (but doesn't mean they should be back together). But he should take some space to do that if that's what he needs. Exes are exes for a reason....wishing you all the best- none of this is easy.

[klim]

Captains wife your explanation was exactly what we seemed to be dealing with...and as you can see with the new thread we are trying to let go so he can figure himself out.

 

[patriciad]

I'm a little old fashioned when it comes to dating and the like.  I want it all!  I want someone to light up when I come in the room and when he sees it is me calling on the cellphone.  I want to be the one and only, the cherished one, the one he adores.  And I want to have all of those feelings for him..

I was very fortunate to have found all of this in my second husband.  I think it all gets down to what you want.  Are you willing to "settle"?  I do believe there is someone out there who would be everything and more to you.  Someone who only dreams of you and not his exes. 

Doesn't seem like husband material but if you enjoy dating him and like his company, maybe leave it at that.  I would consider Taurus' advice.  Whether you tell him or not doesn't really matter.  I wouldn't consider myself exclusive if his ex is renting space in his head.

 

Just my .02.

Pat

[Guest nonesuch]

... it doesn't seem like you are the only one on his mind in the here and now. And the problem with that mindset is you could missing out on someone who would make you his one and only...

 

That's the problem with Mr. Right Now:  Every day spent with him is a chance that Mr. Right, looking for his match, will pass by the person already in a relationship.