Men thinking you have money....

[still_lost]

I'm curious to know if any of you have run into men who assume you were left with lots of money? I dated a guy for a few months, and things seemed to be going well. I never went into my financial business or discussed money with him, or anyone else for that matter. The truth is, I have more bills than I do money, but I manage to live only with my child, drive a decent car, and not ask a man to pay anything for me. This guy just assumed that I was a widow with money, and after a few months started asking for investment money. He was trying to start a business of his own and he needed 2-3K for startup. I quickly told him that I don't have that kind of money, and I also have a child to support on my OWN!! Then I thought back to another time when he hinted at some bills that he had due, but didn't have enough money to cover them. I just brushed it off since he didn't ask for anything directly, but after this second incident, I began to see the pattern. It was in poor taste for him to ask, then to get an attitude when I said no. Needless to say, I walked away from that situation and told him not to call me again. Has anyone else had this happen?

[twin_mom]

I did have that happen. But I had the knight-on-shining-armor, sweeping in to save the widow and her kids more often. They both suck and left me feeling like I had limited value in a relationship....

[Forgottenwife]

Yes, I had something similar. He wanted to use my second car since I couldn't 'drive two cars at the same time.' I dumped him immediately and moved on. I certainly don't need another dependent! I even had someone from a dating site ask me about my finances, when we were just doing the preliminary chat on the phone.

 

Good for you for telling him not to call you anymore. You can do much better.

[kjs1989]

Yep.

 

When I first stuck my toes in the dating pool it was very discouraging. I could not believe the number of guys that were not financially stable and the chutzpah they displayed in asking me to help them out very early on. They obviously thought they had latched onto a sugar mamma when they learned I owned a business.

 

Blech. I couldn't get away fast enough.

[daysofelijah]

My NG has been left in a bad state from his divorce. So it is discouraging. I struggle to overcome the desire to help him financially as I have been left comfortable. Always feeling the need to be the caretaker I guess.

 

But the times I have offered to help he declines and says he needs to figure things out on his own. I know he's not after me for my money, but at the same time it gives me pause if I really want to deal with his financial mess sometimes. Everyone has some kind of baggage or another at this stage of the game it seems.

[Portside]

You may be surprised how often it plays out like that (from the girls) when you are a 50 yr old widower. . . .

 

Mike

 

 

[soloact]

Mike, your post took me back a few years. My dad was widowed at 51. He was financially secure and drop dead good looking. His phone never stopped ringing. He screened calls to have some peace. When calls went unanswered there were drive by visits. I teased him that he should petition the city for a traffic light on his corner to avoid accidents.

 

The lady he married was nothing like that. He did all the chasing. My stepmom was a wonderful person. I still miss her so much. She was invaluable support when my husband died. She was widowed a few years before my dad met her.

 

The well-off widow(er) is legend regardless of gender or means. It's unfortunate. I had my share of unwanted attention too. Best way to disqualify oneself IMHO.

[Portside]

 

. . .  and drop dead good looking.

 

 

What a coincidence!!  ;D

 

jk - Mike

[SemperFidelis]

Gawd, the nerve of some people. This was quite interesting and entertaining to read everyone's different accounts of these crazy people.

 

I grew up in a house where money just wasn't talked about....not something that you have a casual conversation with anyone about. You can imagine my continual horror as I go through life and find that most people find it totally acceptable to talk about money. In fact I find that sometimes that is ALL people want to talk about.

 

Anyway. That said. I haven't directly or indirectly had anyone ask for money or hint that they want money. A couple people have asked if I am taking any vacations which shocked me because LOL in what world am I suddenly in a position to take a vacation? Hahaha. I did get an influx of cruise lines calling my phone after he died....I guess they learned about a new widow somehow and were hoping I came into some money.

 

  I do assume that people think I have money, so I uncomfortably make a point to drop comments about money related things like "thank god it's payday" things that communicate that I am not loaded..... Because I am not loaded. No life insurance payout. No mortgage payoff. I have far less money than when he was alive.... I lost a very generous VA benefit when he died, which no one even knows i was getting in the first place.

 

Anyway. Whatever I did not inherit financially I have undoubtedly inherited in spirit/heart/character..... For that wealth not of this world I can be grateful, and aim to share it somehow. But no one asks about that wealth ;-)

[still_lost]

I've even had family members hint around in the past about needing money. I don't discuss money with them, as they don't pay any of my bills or help me to make financial decisions. I think its rude to ask a person how much money they have or what they make, I would never have the nerve!! AND I think it's just as bad to bring up your past due bills in a casual conversation while on a date. It just looks like you're an opportunist. It makes me question his motivation for dating me in the first place.

[imissdow]

I have discovered the farther out I get the more people assume I'm divorced. It annoys me sometimes but mostly I just don't care. So they also assume I don't have money. However I have met my share of guys that consider themselves reasonably well off. I have been accused of being a gold digger, I found this surprising being that I had/have no clue of their net worth or sometimes even last name and I wasn't doing any chasing. The one guy who came right out and accused me of this also told me before we even went out that if we ended up in a long term relationship I could expect nothing when he died. What a way to make a impression. Thanks for telling me were I stand before you even know me.  I've been paying my own way for years.

[SemperFidelis]

I have discovered the farther out I get the more people assume I'm divorced. It annoys me sometimes but mostly I just don't care. So they also assume I don't have money. However I have met my share of guys that consider themselves reasonably well off. I have been accused of being a gold digger, I found this surprising being that I had/have no clue of their net worth or sometimes even last name and I wasn't doing any chasing. The one guy who came right out and accused me of this also told me before we even went out that if we ended up in a long term relationship I could expect nothing when he died. What a way to make a impression. Thanks for telling me were I stand before you even know me.  I've been paying my own way for years.

 

Good grief. Sounds like you dodged that bullett

[Sugarbell]

Nope.

Most wonder how we live as well as we do (and I just have a modest house but in a nice neighborhood and one car-not fancy..but 3kids. We don't live extravagantly..just normal).

 

I have never discussed it. Most assume we didn't get life insurance (we did)..and have no clue our SS is the max amt allowed. I would rather people think I got nothing and wonder. -(which we are just working class not wealthy by any means-but I have friends who have less money with larger homes/cars etc).

 

But I never wanted anyone thinking I was "wealthy". Too many mooches out there.

[Guest nonesuch]

The scammers were pretty obvious, to me. Poor English, obvious lies.  Since I kept on working at my job, no one questioned or asked about money, or assumed I had any.

 

One of my bosses realized I was starting to date.  One day, as we sat working together, he quietly opined that I ought to be looking after myself, saving what I could for retirement, and that I probably had nothing to gain by marrying again. (Both of his daughters are divorced and are keeping their finances separate from new partners.)

 

I did date a widower who played he money card the other way.  When I expressed doubts about our relationship he told me that he could see i was financially very comfortable if we stayed together.  When things were going a little better a couple weeks later, he told me his sons would never understand if he left me a substantial portion of his estate.  This wasn't the only reason I broke up with him, but it was in the top three.

 

[soloact]

I don't discuss finances. When there are extra expenses I tighten the budget. There are always things I can live without for a time period. I never thought that crying about expenses generates revenue so I don't. Maybe it makes people more curious. Donno.

[Guest nonesuch]

I agree, Soloact.  I say very little to anyone about it because it's none of anybody's business.  Current Boss doesn't even know Current Beau lives with me.  I don't need Boss to get the idea that with someone else here, I don't need a raise.

[SemperFidelis]

I agree, Soloact.  I say very little to anyone about it because it's none of anybody's business.  Current Boss doesn't even know Current Beau lives with me.  I don't need Boss to get the idea that with someone else here, I don't need a raise.

 

Smart thinking.

[Captains wife]

I haven't had a guy ask me directly for money (although one guy I dated was trying to get me to invest in a stock he had) but I have felt that a number of men (not all) have seen that I am financially secure (actually because of my career not because of my husband) and then find ways to get me to pay for things. I don't mind pitching in at all financially to even out paying for dates, outings etc but I also have to pay a lot for child care and I am appreciative of men that understand that when we go out. Most of the men I date are divorced and our dates are set around the times when their ex spouse has the children so they don't have child care costs.

[klim]

I'm financially secure mostly because of a real estate boom in the area where my husband and I bought our house 25 years ago. So it's not my widow status that I think makes guys think I've got money , it's where I live. I couldn't possible come close to buying my house now a days. I live in a mega rich neighbourhood. I don't like that on dating sites where you put in your location that someone might contact me just because of the town I live in. I'm always very vague, even a  little misleading  about  which neighbourhood because not all the areas in town are equally well off. When first getting to know someone....I want them to like me for me not for my money.

 

[bumbleb]

I ran into that a few times after DH died, it wasn't just guys that we're looking for the Sugar Mama train, it was family and "old friends" that slithered out.

Honestly, I was a new Widow at the time so my judgement was very off and I was an easy mark. But it didn't take long for my common sense to wake up, so it was more damaging to my pride than my checkbook.

[Guest nonesuch]

In scanning the Craig's List ads, I remember seeing one from a young man looking for a 'situation' I guess. I think he was about 24. He went on at some length about the evils of modern life and the pressures of holding a job and how he 'wasn't cut out for corporate life.' 

 

Although he himself wasn't cut out for employment, he did express a desire for all the finer things in life.  He wanted to live in a large house in the suburbs with a pool, and eat organic food.  He thought he could learn to take care of the pool and could probably manage caring for dogs, if that was necessary.  I don't know if anyone ever took him up on his offer.

 

Although there was no pretense involved, I did meet a man whose postings seemed to suggest he was moving around.  It turned out he had no job, and was relying upon the kindness of acquaintances.  The one and only date we had, he admitted he was living with a platonic friend and her landlord wanted him out soon.  He claimed to be willing to earn his keep, stopping just short of going out and becoming employed.  He wanted to sell his art, and was disappointed there were no buyers for his watercolor renderings and pottery.