Make or Break

[SemperFidelis]

I sense that my relationship with NG is entering a new stage. We've been dating for 14 months now. I was widowed 17months ago.

 

We have such a lovely time when we are together, it's an ideal fit in that way.  Our temperaments mesh beautifully.  I am thankful for him and how he compliments my life.  I love a lot of things about him, but there are a lot of things I am increasingly resentful of.  There have been a lot of issues, and they are increasing over the past couple of months....and they never get 100% resolved. I acknowledge that I have swept a lot of issues under the rug...maybe it's because honestly I haven't had the emotional stamina to fight hard or courage to rock the boat. But my strength is returning and I can look at the issues with a bit more sobriety and a bit more "hey wait a minute, that's not gonna work long term". He can do something weird one time and that's fine, but when it turns into a recurring pattern then I am quite concerned.

 

LH was a Marine, so I lived in a situation with NO EXCUSES. Insane accountability and responsibility. I am a better person for it and a better judge of the world around me for it.

 

In my attempt to do the right thing, I have made excuses for NG. But I have a limited supply of those. I believe the supply has been tapped out.

 

The list of concerning behaviors is long....too long to detail out here.  Honestly I have lost a lot of optimism about our future. In October I predicted(in my head) the relationship would end within 6 months. Giving these issues time to resolve isn't working. If we are going to move forward, tough conversations will need to take place. I am done cutting slack, done looking the other way, and I am now placing responsibility squarely on him.  If he wants to make this work, that's now his responsibility. I will now give the gift of accountability to him that my LH gave to me....(but without going into DI mode lol). My role is to be forward in communicating what behaviors are not going to work long term, and to give him the opportunity to make changes.

 

Now I know the rule of thumb is that you cannot change a person. I personally think some people have a propensity and ability and willingness to change.... I am one. Others do not....  And I suspect he is one of those. But I will give him the fair chance to change his ways.

 

I heard once the saying, "beware the wrath of a patient man" and while there is no wrath foreseeable, it may feel that way to him as I change my approach to him to a "no bullshit" approach. This past week I have point blank told him "this is my expectation" and "this is your flaw". Each time that he tried to shift the blame on me, I directed him back to himself. Last night's topic was the fact that every time there is relational turbulence(a lot lately), he always tells me "well then maybe you need to go find some other guy. Or maybe you already found one". I think it's a diversion tactic and a manipulative tactic.  I told him I am tired of the breakup threats and the infidelity accusations.  We were able to constructively converse about that. This is a starting place for the upcoming conversation points that need to take place.

 

We will see what the future holds. I hope he can make right what he has made wrong. I am currently making right what I have made wrong by no longer accepting bullshit. I think there are some issues he can make some headway on. And I am starting with those. But the grand finale issue is going to take a serious level of humility from him. I hope he will be ready for it, so we can enjoy the rich future we are both capable of.

[arneal]

Good for you, Semper! You (and each of us) deserve a positive, loving relationship. Perfection does not exist on this side of heaven, but so long as both parties are clear on expectations and try to be the best they can be, a bit of earthly heaven is possible. It sounds like you have prepared yourself for whatever the direction the path of life will take. Again, good for you. {{{hugs}}} and know you've got family here in your corner!

[SemperFidelis]

Well, for anyone following this thing..... It finally ended. It's over.

 

It was a hell of a ride you guys.

 

The grand finale issue got serious attention this past 10 days. This issue has been explained in another thread.... It is that early on I found old online sex profiles featuring him. And he lied and lied and lied and denied that they were his.

 

This week I was met with consistent denial and lies and claims of honesty and swearing on his children's lives(whatever that means). Just like when I confronted him the first time.

 

But I maintained my no-bullshit stance. Friday night I told him it was time for us to go our separate ways. And VOILA! He came clean. Partly. He admitted to one profile but was still trying to save face and lied through his teeth.  He started to dry heave and get teary(unusual for him)....and he even dropped to his knees and grovelled. All while promising not to keep any more secrets from me. Lol.

 

After I left he texted like crazy after that with expressions of deep sorrow, hitting rock bottom, swearing he hasn't told any other lies, swearing he has been truthful and will forever be truthful from me because he has nothing left to lose. It was all bullshit though.

 

I had one more final in person conversation with him last night, and he ended up giving me permission to go through his phone. Yeah. Needless to say I got concrete confirmation that  all the websites I found were in fact his and he basically spent several years on those websites ALL DAY EVERY DAY..... Exchanging sex talk and naked pics with over 150 women. Many expressions of desire to meet for sex. He even was corresponding with one man to arrange a double penetration with a female. He followed through with this.

 

So all my instincts were dead on motherfucker. Goddamnit.

[arneal]

Oh, Semper. If we were in the same area, I'd say I'll be over. There are no words that can do justice and provide enough comfort. Know that I am thinking of you and know that you are so very strong. Thank God for your continued instincts to know that something wasn't right and to not take the crap. Sending much love.

[SemperFidelis]

Thanks Arneal, you are so sweet. You even made me tear up. Thank you.

[Forgottenwife]

He admitted to one profile but was still trying to save face and lied through his teeth.  He started to dry heave and get teary(unusual for him)....and he even dropped to his knees and grovelled. All while promising not to keep any more secrets from me. Lol.

 

After I left he texted like crazy after that with expressions of deep sorrow, hitting rock bottom, swearing he hasn't told any other lies, swearing he has been truthful and will forever be truthful from me because he has nothing left to lose.

 

So all my instincts were dead on motherfucker. Goddamnit.

 

...Yuck... Even though you didn't ask for advice here, I think you should go full no contact. Tell him to stop texting/calling/begging you immediately. If its over, let it be over and be done with the drama.

 

My sympathies, that has got to hurt like crazy.

[Captains wife]

Good you found this guy out and kicked him to the curb. Yes, block him from your phone, social media etc. And sorry you are going through this. If guys (people) want to be out doing this why do they pretend to want to be in a relationship? That just  pisses me off.

[Trying]

Holy shit!  I am glad you followed your gut and got to the truth before you invested any more of your heart in this creep.  So sorry you have been put through this. I hope you put this ugliness behind you, heal and know you deserve so much more.  Big hugs.

[RobFTC]

Semper, I am so sorry - that has to be a major kick in the butt.  Good you kicked him to the curb.  I don't get why some guys lie, but then I am such a crappy liar that earnest honesty fits much better with me.  You deserve, and will find, better.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[SemperFidelis]

Thanks everyone. Its going to be a challenge not to be jaded by this guy. I am hoping to move forward wiser though, instead of callused. Thats my project now.

 

I found out after posting earlier that in fact he had been using Adult Friend Finder for the past two months.  That really upset me..... More than I expected. But I have to remind myself it is no reflection of me, only of him. He's a sick puppy.

 

Rob, spot on with earnest honesty being the best way to go. There is much more respect and intimacy generated by that route.

 

This has just been a huge lesson..... Big learning experience for me, and I can be thankful for that much.

[mmg19]

I'm sorry you have to go through the pain but you SF are one honest amazing woman.  You recognized the dishonesty, ended it, and considered it a learning lesson and are thankful for that.  I've never experienced a situation where honesty is not the best policy.  Be gentle with yourself.  Better things ahead.  ((Hugs))

[Mizpah]

He started to dry heave and get teary(unusual for him)....and he even dropped to his knees and grovelled.

 

OMG WTF?!  Though I realize this must all be really disturbing and hurtful and upsetting, this part actually made me laugh.  No, really: WTF.  My thoughts: not a man.  (And not because he cried tears.)  Yuck.  Dodged a bullet, SF!  Wow.  Glad you're done investing your time and emotions into this... individual.  Wow.  Ugh.  All my hopes for the OPPOSITE of this guy in your next dating experience. 

[daysofelijah]

Wow, I'm sorry that happened to you. It's good you went with your gut and found out the truth. Definitely do no contact and move on, it's so tough.

[momtokam]

I'm so, so, sorry...

 

 

[SemperFidelis]

*phew* Gawd.

 

Apparently my phone doesn't allow number blocking.....I tried several apps but none of them work. So I guess this means tomorrow I need to go change my number.....ridiculous. No contact is the way to go.... I have just been rationing the texting bullshit.... Turning my Phone off for hours and then back on again. Each time I respond and it's just exhausting. I even resorted to calling names, which I have never done before. I'm done with the responding now.... Why waste my time and energy? I hate feeling angry, so I just can't allow myself to go There anymore. He keeps trying to say what he did wasn't cheating....and that is soooooooo infuriating to me. Gawd. Thank god for emergency lorazepam, folks.

 

Mizpah yeah, I couldn't believe the  dramatic reaction. I kinda view it as a manipulative ploy. Especially since he was lying like crazy still while grovelling. Just like when he sent a picture of him next to the toilet with vomit in it...... Total attempt at manipulation, trying to get me to feel sorry for him. Then the next day he sent a pic of him next to his grandpa's grave "swearing to be honest" lol

 

He's a horrible person. I hope he learns but doubt he will.

[Guest wecouldbeheros]

If it's a smartphone, go to contact number (you have to create contact first), then you should have an option to block. If it's an old phone it may not work, however I haven't seen a smartphone you can't do it on. Sorry you have seen the dark sides of people. In any case I would not get into a position to even talk with him again.

[trying2breathe]

SF  Oh wow, so sorry that you're dealing with an a** like this!  Glad that you now know what he's about, are staying strong and moving on.  Good riddance!

 

 

Agree about blocking - if that doesn't work right away, ignore his attempts to contact you.  Sounds like he's trying hard to win you back. 

[SemperFidelis]

I successfully changed my phone number. He does have my email address and has sent a lot of emails begging and pleading. Somehow getting the emails isn't as hard to cope with as the texts.....i don't get a notification when I get new email, so I only check it when I want to.....unlike text. I am emotionally detached enough that the emails aren t upsetting..... Just insightful to his manipulative ways. Here's a sample of his handy-work:

 

"I have been up all night throwing up again. I wish you would give me that chance to prove to you that I am really that man you have known this time. I have been think a lot about why I did what I did. I have found that yes while I did have fears you were going to break up with me because of my past I have also figured out that in my mind I elevated the issue even more. To a point that wasn't really there. But by doing so I forced myself to my past to start hating women again and disrespecting myself and you. It was never meant to go where it did. But I got caught up in the feeling of being wanted in a strange way. Even though I didn't want to be wanted that way. I felt like something was filling a void that I felt was leaving me and that was you. Even though I knew it was fake and I would never actually go there. It numbed my mind with hate and disgust and at the same time made me disgusted with myself. So I started shutting down mentally with you and I even look back and noticed I was doing it to my family also. [my name] this is not who I truly am not who I want to be towards anyone. I am begging you with ever last ounce of energy to please try to understand this was never about trying to cheat or to get any satisfaction out of any of it. It was only to try to cope with a void I was afraid that was coming. To be disgusted with everything. I am sorry for everything, I'm sorry for ever messaging you on match, because I have hurt you so much and I never wanted to. I truly love you more than anyone except my two boys. I regret that we don't have more time together to plan an amazing life. I regret you not helping raising my two boys with me. I regret not being able to explore with you. I regret not being able to sit and hold you anymore. I regret that I brought my past into our relationship. And most of all I regret not getting to see you anymore. My only hope is by the grace of a fucking miracle, is that somehow you walk back into our lives again and make me the happiest man in the world. I love you to death sexy girl. "

 

"Well I am half way through the book you got me("the pornography trap"). I am serious about this [my name]. I am dead serious about us and our future. I wish you would please stop by on your way home so we can talk. I want to be your husband, I want us to live together, I want us to grow old together. You have gave me so much strength while dealing with my kidney problems. I want you in my life beautiful. I will do anything, hell I would even do some public speaking to groups of people about what I did. I WILL DO ANYTHING. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DONT WALK AWAY. "

 

If he gets mean or something I will stop opening them. But for now no harm done..... Maybe I am sick because some part of me hopes he is actually hurting somehow.....even if he's only hurting because he got caught.

[arneal]

{{{hugs}}} Semper ...

[Guest wecouldbeheros]

There is a way to know that you read his emails. Mail read. You can bypass (google it) so that it will say on his end "mail not read". Me, I would walk as far away as I could, and not look back one iota. His pattern that may be a salesman tactic. Keep communicating until the other breaks down. All okay until the next time. No one can tell you what is right, except the one question, where is your heart ? If it's not with him move on. Hoping for you.

[RobFTC]

God, what a messy word salad.  I am sorry you're dealing with this, SF.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[arneal]

Totally agree with Sunshine. The troll I met when I first started the online thing popped up on Google Chat one day a few months after I ended contact -- I'd forgotten he had my email address. I messaged for a moment and then stopped, so he tried to call me via Hangout, which I ignored. I haven't heard from him since and deleted his information. Create that rule and keep on moving forward, Semper.

[marjoe]

Semper - RUN, don't walk, from this guy. He is seriously fucked up. Reading what he wrote is - disturbing, to say the least.

[jeudi]

Well...how awful. Yes, you sure did dodge a bullet with this man. Scary too. I hated that feeling of concern that I could be making a mistake when I decided to dip my toes in the dating water. Glad you figured things out and were able to extricate yourself. Regroup. Try again with your eyes wide open? Best wishes for you.

[jeudi]

I read his email again today because I couldn't get it out of my head. This is truly the face of misogyny.

 

to start hating women again and disrespecting myself and you.

 

and the groveling he does towards the end, calling you sexy girl. Oh boy. Super sick and super sad. Glad you got a new number and hope that soon you will not feel compelled to read anything more he might have to say. My hunch is that a man this perverse will not have anything inside towards continuing to keep up the effort for long.

 

The good thing is you are now free of this man.