For those in budding relationships ...

[tybec]

Okay, I am embarrassed to post, but it is something I have never experienced. Feeling very high schoolish.  My NG had a GF in the state he resided about 6 months or so after his ex left him.  She and he were both rejected by their spouses, so a common sharing of loss.  They dated 18 months, were serious, spent lots of time together, family interactions.  There are FB pics.

 

She and he continued to talk often and maybe see each other when he moved several hours away.  She wouldn't move with him as her family and children's father were there, and he moved to be where his sons were taken by their mother. Jurisdiction changed to the new state as he waited too long to contest her moving them, and so he had to move, per the judge, if he wanted regular contact as the children started school. Their relationship did not end because their loved ended, it was the circumstances of it all.   

 

I married HS sweetheart.  No exs in my history.  NG's ex is FB friend. She posts to him, liking his pictures, commenting on any family event as she knew all them.  It has been 3 years now.  I know he is with me.  He has chosen me. I am his present and future. BUT it bothers me that she posts, making it known she is in his life and knows his family.  She is involved with a new guy, too.  So I guess the friendship is difficult for me to understand.

 

He told me on our 8th date he had called her and told her he was no longer going to talk to her as his emotional support as he had a new GF for that.  He never had to tell me that.  I never knew he was talking to her so much. 

 

I HATE that it bothers me.  But it does....

[Bunny]

tybec- it's terrible being jealous, isn't it? I hate it when I've let those feelings get the best of me. But I imagine since I've had a lot more experience dating than you have, these are fairly unknown feelings you are having to contend with, yes? I will try to be helpful by sharing a few things.

 

1) in my life, I have been friends with several exes. There was never any slip-ups afterwards or boundary-crossing. I think of all of them in purely platonic terms. Actually, one of my oldest, dearest, closest friends is an old hook-up.

 

2) One of my favorite people in my bf's group of friends is an ex-girlfriend of his. They dated in college and then again years later. We socialize at her house quite a bit and it's never been awkward because she is such a warm and loving person. Since my bf has never been married, and had a very active love life, I've actually socialized with a handful of his ex lovers.

 

3) I have felt some pretty intense jealousy towards the girlfriend he had right before me, for a number of reasons, that have all faded with time. We've been together almost 3 years.

 

The only way I'd be worried or apprehensive about it was if she wanted to maintain a friendship with him but have nothing whatsoever to do with you. In all my friendships with men, I have always tried my best to be friendly and as non-threatening as possible to their significant others.

[tybec]

Thanks, Bunny.  That was very helpful.  I knew to take the high road, and the irrational jealous feelings are not the high road. I knew others had worked through this, and I sure don't want to be insecure with NG about her.  I mean, the woman wouldn't move, and he was moving to his sons, and it is just the way it was/is.  I do wish she would FB his mother as she tends to send messages through him to her.  I think when I move to his city, and we blend our families, she will lessen her comments, too.  I won't be socializing with her as she lives about 5 hours away.  He has let her go, and I know that.

 

Budding relationships.... all new stuff for wids!

[Guest TooSoon]

Tybec,  I had a weird relationship with my (married) best friend from high school while my husband was dying and immediately after.  It was mostly texting and it was mostly grounded in a lifelong friendship between two people in miserable circumstances who both just needed someone to lean on, though it wasn't exactly platonic.  It ended poorly but we remained friends.  He and his family have long since moved away - far away - but we have remained friends somehow.  He's like a brother to me.  I care deeply about him and his happiness and I know he has never stopped caring for M and me and he will always be invested in our well-being. 

 

I've been really open with Andy about all of this from the beginning.  It is just a fact - it happened, but even though whatever "that thing" was between us is long since over, we still care about each other.  We were thick as thieves in HS and have been friends since we were 14 years old.  It is truly a non-factor in my relationship now.  He checks in with me every couple of months or texts me when there's something in the news or some album or book comes out that he knows I would like (and vice versa) but that's about it now.

 

But I think your feelings are entirely normal.  I guess my point is this:  we're not 20 or 25.  We've all had "other lives" that have to be absorbed into our present realities.  If you both continue to be open about it, I agree with Bunny that it will probably fade over time. 

[arneal]

Happy Friday everyone!

 

Glad we have this space to 'talk out' the madness of new situations

 

One thing I have read pretty consistently is that for all this to work we need to have other things, like hobbies, to focus on. The idea is that if we don't have our own stuff to keep entertained with we can become needy or just boring.

 

Like TooSoon said so well, we aren't new to the world. What sorts of things, besides work, school, or being crazed about your new relationship (lol) are you doing?

 

I have become a kitchen maniac. I have tried more new recipes in the last year than I have in my whole life. My latest was grissini (Italian breadsticks) last night. I also called some friends who run a food bank and homeless ministry. LH and I used to volunteer there and I went back after he dies. Then they had to move and I had car issues but I have wanted to get back to it. I plan to be there tomorrow morning! I also go to the gym and have some friends there who are connected to me on social media too. NG watches the exchanges between me and my gym sisters and I also post about my local wildlife.

 

What sorts of hobbies have you either taken up or gotten back to since the death of your spouse or since finding a possible new partner?

 

 

[Guest TooSoon]

Hey arneal, I like your recent post.  Do you want to start a separate thread along those lines and let this one remain about new relationships?  I have some thoughts but also kind of want this thread to remain intact since it has been a popular one.  What do you think?  Maybe in beyond active grieving?  Just a thought.

[arneal]

Interesting idea! If you would like to start it please do, or I can do it later -- am about to go walking with the group in a few

[klim]

I'm having flip flop problems...and no I'm not talking about sandles.

 

Sometimes I'm having a great time with my guy .....and sometimes his quirks bother me.......and since it's a new (4 month) relationship, I'm trying to decide whether I ride it out longer and see if the flipping and flopping subside ...or if I'm still flipping this far in...then it's not to be....

 

What to do ...what to do...

 

One thing that makes this more difficult for me, is he has been "all in" right from the beginning.....I've been honest the whole time telling him I'm not sure....

[arneal]

Hi Klim and thanks for sharing. I guess it comes down to what you are willing to fall on a sword (for love) for. I mean, we should never settle but none of us is perfect. I think about if I get to a point of sharing space with my NG on a regular basis. I wonder about changes in routine to accommodate another human in the same space and all that. There are things I like to eat that he doesn't and vice versa. These are of course very mundane examples, but I am sure you can see where I am going. Couples have uncoupled over less I tend to be someone who adapts easily and I don't have many sword-worthy issues. I would say that it all boils down to communication. If he's really all-in, maybe he will be willing to fall on your sword more readily

Hugs!

[arneal]

Hey TooSoon: I started a new thread over on the Beyond Active Grieving board. It's called 'Creating a New Now' and I quoted what I posted above about hobbies and such. Hope you'll pop over and help get the conversation rolling with your ideas!!

[trying2breathe]

klim  I can relate, as I'm almost 3 months into a relationship where he says he's all in and I'm still not sure.  There are times when I feel that he's the best guy in the world, and other times when it feels off.  After a 20 year marriage, I realize that this is the way that it works with most if not all relationships, and it's been difficult to decipher what I'm willing to deal with or whether it's time to move on.  We all have quirks - for me it's trying to figure out what I'm willing to put up with.

[arneal]

Happy Monday everyone!

Just posted over on that other thread about things we do to stay occupied and got sidetracked by something that seemed more appropriate here.

 

So in my readings about dating and identifying 'where you are' in the relationship, some of the so-called experts talk about the fact that love is often shown rather than said. The one in particular offered signs that a person is into you. The one thing that stuck out was when he or she leaves things at your house or apartment: it could be clothing, knicknacks, a toothbrush, or something. NG had brought a set of DVDs at one point -- they are sitting on top of my player in the living room (we never did finish watching them and when I asked if he wanted to take them back or if he wanted me to bring them, he said no and that we'd finish watching them one day ...). But the thing that I mentioned on the other thread that reminded me of this was the fact that he left a guitar here Talk about 'leaving a mark'! I can't miss it and when I dust, I have to dust the case, too because it's been here for such a time now LOL. Again, dating is so junior high.

 

Hope you all had a great weekend and will have a wonderful week!

[tybec]

Interesting, Arneal.  I do my best to leave nothing.  He tried to give me his garage door opener fob, and I just wasn't ready for it.  He has my key codes for that and the alarm, and he comes on over, but it is very planned due to distance. 

 

He didn't want anything left at his house for a long time due to his young children, but it has been a year, so he is getting more lax.  Makes sense!

[daysofelijah]

BF gave me a key last summer, but that was mainly because I had to let his dog out one day, lol. He just recently started staying on the weekends, so leaves some clothes and a toothbrush here now.

 

I have about 30 boxes of stuff stored at his house currently, but that's just to help make moving day easier since I have to move everything in one day in a few weeks. Otherwise I don't leave much there, I've only spent the night there twice and that was last summer. I never get a kid free night with 4 kids.

 

This weekend was fantastic. Got a motorcycle ride in, he came to a family picnic with me and met some more of my extended family, and we had plenty of snuggle time.

 

There was one weird moment on Saturday night. His son (the one I made the other post about) got into a fight with his mom and her live in BF. So NG's ex kept calling to talk about everything with him (or more talk at him, while he just lets her rail on), she called 4 times in less than an hour. He has a hard time staying neutral on things between them (X and son), but he is doing better. I've never had to deal with the X before, so it was a little window into what a nut she is!

[arneal]

daysofelijah -- NG just moved last weekend; I've only been to his place three times so I have nothing there. We spend time at my house as I live alone -- his youngest daughter lives with him and she doesn't clean up much, which drives him bananas It was funny the first time I went there: he said he has a house rule of no overnights because he doesn't want to encourage her boyfriend. However, he followed that with something like, 'I am sure the second I am away, he is here all night' and we laughed. Yet, the second time I visited, which was New Year's Eve, he encouraged me to stay. Go figure.

But I digress ... in the article I read (which I should try to find and post here for feedback), when one person or the other leaves things at the other's place, it is a way of planting some roots (for lack of a better way of putting it) which I found interesting, particularly in the context of how people show that they care.

I'll see if I can find that article!

[arneal]

Had no luck finding that article. If I come across it, hopefully I will remember to post it  ;D

 

So here's another weird jr. high thing: for those of you early on, how often if ever do you ask the new person in your life for assistance? At some level, it's nice to be needed, right? But who wants to be with someone helpless, right? So last year, NG asked if I would drive him to the airport; he had gotten a new job (rabbit trail: in my education work, I have to edit PDF documents and such and I also like to work on computers so I keep lots of software applications. He asked me to help him fill out the docs and had no qualms about sending me his personal info to do so. When it came down to including references, he put me first, above his relatives and the friend who recommended him for the job -- giggle) and had to fly to the main office to pick up a work truck and drive it home. He stayed at my house for a couple days and I took him to the airport. I had to travel to a speaking engagement a couple months ago; I took a van service to and from the airport, which is what I typically do. However, I got hit with that lonely bug when I came home because 1) it was my first time traveling by air since LH died, 2) when I saw the familiar landmarks but was noticing them alone I felt it, and 3) walking out of the airport with no one to welcome me home was a very real moment. I wrote something about it on my social media and NG replied that he would have picked me up but I hadn't said anything. I replied that it was something I needed to go through (catharsis of a sort).

 

Fast forward to my telling him I have to travel; he said he would take me. I was going to just leave it go and not say anything since it's been about three weeks since we talked about it and since then we've had Easter and he and his daughter moved. I didn't want to be a pest, you know? However, I also didn't want to just leave and act like he hadn't made the offer. So I sent a text to ask if he'd be available to take me.  I honestly feel weird asking since I am used to doing these sorts of things for myself -- either driving myself or ordering the car or van service. Sigh.

[Trying]

arneal, I have trouble asking anyone for help and in the early months (year?) of my post widow relationship it was very difficult for me to ask him for help.  It bothered him that I didn't ask since I easily offered help to him.  I realized it made him feel good to help me and slowly started asking and accepting his offers.  Now we are engaged and living together and are much more of a partnership but it was definitely a process for me to get to this point.

 

My advice would be to just ask, if he is unavailable you know you are capable of taking care of yourself.  Everyone likes to be needed!

[arneal]

Thanks, trying -- he works in the technical field and I am a home-grown techie so he laughs regularly at my fixes around the house, like with my surround sound and a really tacky security camera I put up in my garage. I typically don't ask for help. So I did send the text, asking if he'd take me. He replied last night after I'd gone to bed to ask about my departure time. I sent it this morning; although he's still moving, he said he would and to call to remind him that morning.

 

Here's where my own angst kicks in: these days they tell you to get to the airport super-early to get through security; while I don't check bags and all that, I still do my best to get there early. It usually takes about 40 minutes to get from his place to mine and then another 20-ish minutes to the airport on a good day. If my flight leaves, say, at 12:30, I'd be at the airport and through security by 11 to 11:30. In my estimate, he'd need to leave his old place at 9:30 at the outside. From what I understand, the new place is a bit farther away, so there you go. He asked me to call him at 10. You know my reply was something like, I will probably call a pinch earlier since security and all 

 

I felt weird asking but am glad I did.

[klim]

I am very bad at asking for help.......and very bad at receiving offered help...

 

The"I can look after myself" attitude is very strong in me.

 

I'm also very bad at being a recipient of perks....

NG is doing well financially ...not extra extra loaded but feeling  very comfortable.

He has taken me out for some very expensive dinners and my birthday  present was way more costly then I would have expected as we had only been going out a couple of months.

The thing is  I like it  on some level  bit it also bothers me, as if he's trying to buy my love. Then I think it's just how he thinks...he's kinda a "go big or go home" type of guy in all things he does.

 

He has a couple of nice new cars and I drive an 11 yr old minivan. He keeps telling me I can borrow his nice car any time......I always say no.... It's part of my,I can look after myself, attitude.

 

Maybe it's time I tried letting that guard down a bit......

[arneal]

I hear you, klim! In the stuff I read about dating, that's a real thing. Men like being needed. They don't want a gold digger obviously but someone who is appreciative. When NG was on his way to Texas after taking his present job last fall, he said he would be driving back through Tucson. We'd been on a silly kick about who was ahead on points and prizes and I think I was in the lead after helping with his resume and so on for the job. He asked me what sort of prize I wanted and I commented that I had gotten a lovely piece of Hopi jewelry the last time I was in Tucson. When he got back and the very next time he came to my house, he was barely in the door before he whipped out this necklace box. I opened it and it was an Indigenous necklace and earrings. He said he got it in New Mexico and it was Zuni, not Hopi. However, I didn't argue It is lovely and I get lots of compliments on it. Indigenous jewelry is not cheap. And Christmas was similar.

 

For me, it was a matter of not having similar means. I know we aren't in a competition but still. We have always been good about splitting spending, like the one overnight we took together, I got the room and he paid for parking and dinner, which was more expensive than the room with all the food and drinks we had lol (we were at the beach). I cook quite a bit but he drives to my house. When we go out, he'll buy dinner and I'll pay for a movie. But on those times when I can do it all, I try to

[maddalena]

For me, it was lower your expectations.

My new guy is absolutely wonderful in many ways. But in SOME ways, he cannot even begin to compete. So I judge.

If I had married new guy in 1978 instead of DDH, I would probably not even notice these things.

It's never ever like the first time. Oh well, except when you are first in love and blind. that still worked for me.

 

You have to find a man who is understanding, because DDH is ALWAYS in the house. and NG will always know that.

so if he can't talk about it, if he can't understand why you are crying,  look for someone else.

 

I consider myself very very fortunate to wake up every morning with this man.

 

 

[Sugarbell]

I believe timing is everything too.

 

9.5 years widowed...over 5 years clean and sober....I am healed, whole, independent, capable.

 

Actually have something to offer...I was with past relationship over 2 years (and it wasn't bad-he was a good guy with good qualities but I knew he wasn't the one so I kept the wall a little up).

 

This is different. We connect, flow...it's easy. We get each other. He grounds me...he says I am his "peace".

 

It's early..we've met each other's families. He's done family dinner with my folks twice..gone to several of my sons baseball games. I don't ask for him for help...he just does it. It's weird it's so comfortable. Maybe because we both grew up here. It hasn't been this "easy" since I started dating DHs in my early 20s.

 

He's a country boy...he runs a 100 acre farm and works a full time job. This will be a Loooong time dating (because we both know we can't live together...he lives 25 miles outta town..I live one minute from the schools and it's easy with my kids stuff being close. But I'm not worried about all that stuff yet...I'm just really enjoying everything about him.

 

 

[tybec]

For me, it was lower your expectations.

My new guy is absolutely wonderful in many ways. But in SOME ways, he cannot even begin to compete. So I judge.

If I had married new guy in 1978 instead of DDH, I would probably not even notice these things.

It's never ever like the first time. Oh well, except when you are first in love and blind. that still worked for me.

 

You have to find a man who is understanding, because DDH is ALWAYS in the house. and NG will always know that.

so if he can't talk about it, if he can't understand why you are crying,  look for someone else.

 

Oh, boy, this hit me.  I love NG.  He loves me.  He loves me, because so much of me is DH.  I can relate to him on so many levels because of DH.  I don't want to compare.  NG has to know he can't measure up to DH on lots of things.  I try to just concentrate that I am not who I was and NG is a new love, new life, and it is no comparison, therefore.

 

I do have some things come up.  NG had many gfs.  I don't want to even know.  I had DH since HS.  He says things to me like we would have had the most beautiful kids.  It is strange because I don't want to go there.  I had my child with DH, and would't want it any other way.  He tells me things like I am the best kisser he has ever had, and other things.  I don't know if men just say those things, or he really means it, but I can't say that to him.  I think it is apples to oranges in a comparison, so I don't.  I don't think about DH like I used to.  I am letting him go.  Anyway, random thoughts on budding relationships....

 

[arneal]

I think because my first marriage was so traumatic, including the first husband's death, I learned not to compare. Second LH is like that sage voice in my head. I smile at times when I think of how he would think of my life without him. He told me that he did not want me to be alone for the rest of my life and used to fuss when I kept to myself too much; he'd tell me to be more open. I think of the person I am today, how I call the folks in the neighborhood stores my friends and talk to them, how they recognize me and treat me well, and of course how I go to the gym and especially how I've opened up to NG and know he'd be thrilled. I can see him smiling ... smirking actually, and imagine that he'd say something like, 'I told you so -- see how nice it is to be open with people?'  :

 

Second LH and NG are music folks; LH played professionally while NG does it for fun even though his dad was a professional musician. That's about the only thing they have in common. It's almost a 'be careful what you ask for' because while LH was all about being in the same space, NG is perfectly content to do his thing and not feel some type of way about who is doing what when we aren't together. He is very focused on his work and life, which is great -- after being with an abusive person the first time and being a caregiver the second, I am happy about that. When we are together, he is super attentive, even if he doesn't always remember small stuff like movies we've watched before lol. He does remember important things though, which is great. However, I can't be satisfied it seems since I like the freedom but wouldn't mind a bit more contact. I am resonating with what you said, Sugarbell, about getting to a place of personal wholeness. That is so important to me and the rest as they say, will follow. Or it won't. I can't worry about it and as such do more caring for myself, working, and doing my volunteer work again. It's all new and weird but good

[tybec]

Okay, may sound very juvenile here, but a quandary for me nevertheless.  I am not a materialistic person.  I married young, and had one checking account the entire marriage. We had nothing but hope, a college education which meant something 27 years ago, and each other. We lived comfortably, not extravagantly.

 

Move forward to NG.  He married at 30, and she was a professional, too.  Military, living in Europe.  They were DINKS, traveled everywhere.  Speak a couple languages each, etc.  She left after two kids and back in the states, took 75% of the assets, and NG is stretched.  I am okay financially due to DH planning well.  Not rich, but have some flexibility others don't have. 

 

NG shares more with me about his marriage.  He bought her jewelry galore, special pieces from their travels, the Mercedes they brought back to the states, trips, cruises, all kinds of things.  We go dutch often or trade off.  He has two kids to take care of.  I have my son.

 

But here is the rub.  I didn't date him for money or stuff.  Not me, but I do feel like he doesn't seem to show me some courtesy he did his wife.  Not his wife, I know.  But I don't see him doing that for me.  I don't want stuff, but I want to be "worthy" of his attention.    However, he has seemed to flip completely to the other side.  Like he wanted to prove himself to her by buying things, and such.  But now he is the opposite.  Not sure what I am saying here.  He married her 4 months of knowing her and states he didn't wait long enough to KNOW her.  We are already past a year.  I am evaluating my "love language" and seeing if that is the problem.  What I need, what he used to do for his ex and how to communicate what will meet my love language.  It is not gifts for me, but something more than what he is giving.  I guess the effort is the concern.  IDK Rambling.  Insecurities of dating..........