For those in budding relationships ...

[arneal]

Hi, trying -- so sorry about your down times. I have been in a strange place off and on with what I guess is grief. LH has been gone more than a year now; so hard to believe it! I got a telephone call about a week and a half ago from one of his more distant friends who didn't know. It was weird. I just took down the Jewish condolence prayer from a dear friend of mine and the Doggie 10 Commandments that I'd had on the fridge (I got the condolence prayer right after LH died and the 10 Commandments were from when our first dog had to be put down a few years ago). I was tired of seeing sad things around me. I had an anxiety moment the last time I spoke to my stepdaughter because she is still talking about coming out here; she wants some copies of photos and things -- I didn't say on the telephone, but they are all packed up in a cabinet in the garage with all her stuff and she can have them, no need to make copies. I have my own way of remembering. There is a memorial space in my house that has LHs photo, along with my dad and other older relatives who are gone now.

 

I am looking ahead to what I hope to do to commemorate the year that I've known NG, which will be Memorial Day weekend. I saw a dating thing the other day where the 'guru' talked about not planning for this coming weekend's date but for that date a few months from now. He wasn't trying to say we shouldn't plan for the upcoming, but to basically stay on our toes I like that idea ... looking forward, planning for a new future, while the scars continue to heal. They sometimes get raw, but healing they are ...

[tybec]

trying2breathe,

 

I understand what you are stating.  I just went through the 5 yr. sadiversary, and it is sad.  And now it is not that I yearn for DH.  I have accepted I can't have him.  But it is still the loss of the life I had with him, all the collateral. 

 

And I moved my mother to a memory care/personal care home last week.  Last week was awful preparing, as it reminded me of my father's move due to early onset Alzheimer's.  Now, my mother is 88, vascular issues, heart and diabetes, so different reasons for dementia, but still.  And all weekend and today was spent closing down her condo, like taking care of DH's things.  She isn't dead, but it feels similar, erasing her life, just throwing and giving away her things she accumulated all those years.  So, I have been sad, told NG this.  I know he is patient and thank him for that, as my life is so full of sadness so much.  He has his divorce drama, but it is different.  So, yes, more grief stuff.

 

On a more positive note, DH met another brother, so that is two out of three.  Moving forward with him.

[arneal]

Great point, tybec -- if we can have those difficult conversations with the new people in our lives, especially if they have not been through anything like this, hopefully helps.

[trying2breathe]

I appreciate the responses.  Dealing with deep grief issues now feels strange.  At 3-1/2 years out I've accepted that DH is gone but I've been dealing with some pretty sad days lately.  I'm also dealing with aging parents and the issues surrounding it, and this too brings me down. 

 

 

arneal  I imagine that it is weird to explain a year+ out to a friend that your DH has died. 

"stay on our toes I like that idea ... looking forward, planning for a new future, while the scars continue to heal. They sometimes get raw, but healing they are ..."        ^^^ love this! 

 

 

 

tybec The loss of the life I once had with him is what I miss most.  It seems I miss this more than I miss DH now. 

 

 

I may talk about grief with the guy that I'm seeing as there are times when I feel that an explanation for why I act the way I do is warranted. He may run, but oh well    such is the dating life of a wid I guess!

[MrsDan]

Well this took some pressure off:

 

I have been really worried I would accidentally call my boyfriend Dan. I've done it when talking about him, but so far never addressed him as Dan. Last night we were on the phone and he called me by his ex's name​. The two them have a daughter and there are some legal things going on between them over that. He explained that he was looking at some paperwork with her name on it. So I confessed my fear of calling him Dan. He said he was embarrassed and mortified. Interestingly, he thought calling me by her name was worse than me calling him Dan's. He said it was better to be called by the name of someone who was thought very highly of. Anyway, I teased him a bit about it and that was it.

[tybec]

Good share, MrsDan.  Yup, 28 yrs of saying DH's name, and I worried.  That hasn't happened, but since I work with kids, I say "buddy" and "sweetie" to the littles.  Buddy to my son, too.  I slipped and said that to NG, and he told me quickly he was not my son.  I slipped and said "babe" to my son, and he quickly said he is not my "babe.".  Never had this quandary before.  Budding relationships indeed.... ???

[arneal]

Thanks, MrsDan and tybec! I rarely use LH's name in any context. I will do so when I talk to some people -- I have a cousin who has been widowed three times, so she gets it; I say it to my mom sometimes; and to one of my closest friends who was also widowed -- but I don't think I've ever even mentioned his name around NG. I have two photos up (one of just him near photos of my dad, grandmother, and other deceased relatives and one with him, me, and my son at a friend's wedding) but we've never talked about them. I used to have a lot more but it never fazed NG when he was here. I took them down because I was ready. As far as referring to NG, I use his first name when I text or sometimes when we are on the phone as he does for me. We also use 'hey' a lot

[klim]

I talk about my LH  and use his name when ever the conversation goes to the past . And when NG and I are trying to discover each other , it does often. I talk about LH to friends when ever I'm telling stories...I don't think I dwell but it just comes up.

 

I can imagine I might do a  name mix up.....as I have only had a  relationship with two people and they were both named Mike....NG is not Mike!

[daysofelijah]

NG brought me roses last night, just because. It is nice to feel so loved, something I never really had with DH.

 

My life is taking a big change in the next couple months. I had moved out to the country to be near my parents to help with the kids after DH died 4 years ago. I have found I despise living in the country. So I took the initiative to change the situation. I feel bad to move the kids yet again, but I think this will be good for them. Better school district, more opportunities for jobs, etc as they get into the teen years.

 

The town I'm moving to is also where NG lives so instead of being 17 miles apart we will only be about 1 mile. It will make things so much easier and I will feel less guilty when I go out and leave the kids home. It probably looks to some like I'm purposely moving to be closer to NG, but that isn't my MO at all. It's just another benefit. Right now I am about 40 minutes away from any shopping, activities, etc, the move will bring me about 15 minutes away. So much easier.

 

Hoping it all works out, I'm selling a house that's new with no "projects", for a house that is older and will need some fixing up. I can handle it though. I need projects and things to look forward to doing to keep me busy. I get depressed sitting here in small town USA.

[arneal]

Good for you, daysofelijiah!

[tybec]

Got my mother moved to her personal care/memory care home 2 weeks ago.  Now, started looking at houses in the same town, talked to realtor, and will start working on my house to sell.  DS is coming to terms with moving, making plans to see friends over holidays, asking questions about a new church, school, etc. 

 

I am looking for home for NG, me and DS, his kids on the scheduled times.  I asked him if I was to look for one for me and my son or our families. This is where we are.  Although his pastor won't marry us, a conversation with my brother, Phd Marriage and Family Therapist, college prof., Masters in Divinity, and my admired elder in his marriage and rearing of his kids, has me not feeling so crazy.  He said he has talked with his wife of 40 yrs about the benefits and negatives of being married and his retirement.  They will not divorce to change their situation, but even he said I have to consider my assets for my son and me and not allow them to be somehow legally be involved in NG'S crazy ex's hands in anyway.  I couldn't believe he said that, but he has looked at many angles, counseled many couples, etc.  So, he has lots of wisdom I haven't obtained. Anyway. 

 

Moving forward. 

[arneal]

tybec -- ah, the 'fun' of crazy ex'es ... My LH and I lived together for a few years while he got his divorce finalized. When we moved in together, he was renting a house for his father and his daughter (who lived with the ex). I then bought a house, which was in just my name (we weren't married, after all). Even after we got married, we didn't intermingle stuff like that. I bought the house I am in now -- just me. I think he suspected that a day might come when I would be on my own and by not having us on the paperwork together, nothing had to be done ... Sigh. The things we need to consider.

[arneal]

Hey there, fellow 'budders' (as I live in California, that could have multiple meanings!  ;D):

Popping in to see how everyone is doing. Funny how the longer we are connected to someone, the more interesting things we learn. I had one of those clingy moments last year when NG sort of dropped from the radar for about a week; it was if I remember around this time of year and I went into a panic. I really liked him and was praying he hadn't ghosted. He came back to his usual self and said he'd just needed some time to shut down (a bit of depression it seemed). Fast forward to now: he had a small injury last week and sort of vanished again. We communicated last weekend when I offered to pop over there (he usually comes to my house, but the last time he didn't feel well he said he'd wished I could come over there but I wasn't able to). He wasn't up to it and suggested we try for the next day -- I left it at 'if you feel up to it, let me know'. Didn't hear anything from him so on went my week. It's been silence all this week but I haven't reached out like I did last year. I am trying to live out the advice I've read about keeping on with my daily ordinary stuff. But it's hard, I tell ya as I want to see him. Sigh. Here's hoping we meet up this weekend ...

[klim]

oh Arneal , that sounds difficult......you are a more patient person then I.

I'm having to adjust my communication expectations with my new guy.....he's not much of a texter.

 

The way I like to date seems to be to see my guy once during the week and the a couple of times during the weekend. For me at the moment , that is enough face to face time. With work and tracking/dealing with my sons( they are older and don't really need taken care off but they're also not truly independant) and taking care of my house, that amount of time is just about perfect. 

 

The thing is I want to stay connected on days when I don't see him......just a how's your day?...etc.  I would like to do this by text. Alas he doesn't pay attention to his phone or doesn't realize when I say goodmorning, that I'd like to hear back from him.  I know it's a little thing  but it's hard to adjust, in my last relationship I was getting that constant connection sometimes only a goodmorning and goodnight but usually some other little communication.

 

I liked that ....I'm trying to adjust my expectation from new guy....but I'll admit I'm trying to change him into a texter too

 

[tybec]

Uggh, Arneal.  That is SO hard.  Not wanting to be clingy or needy but also wanting some kind of connection.  Not sure the best path for you and him.  You are getting to know him.  A year dating in May, right? 

 

I noticed with my NG pretty soon that when he had his children for extended times, like spring break and his mother came in from TX to watch them each break as he works, he wouldn't connect with me.  After talking to me nightly for almost 2 months, I was put out as his pattern changed.  Also,  with DH dying in a car accident, no contact triggers things for me, too.

 

So, told him pretty earlier on (3 months)  I needed some form of contact and with texting, a few seconds isn't too much to ask.  He agreed.

 

Then it happened a couple other times.  In just Jan., I sent him an email stating that if he loved me as he said he did, I didn't understand how he could go a day or more with no contact.  And if he could, then maybe he needed to evaluate his feelings for me, as in my experience with loving someone {and loss}, you don't want to go that long with no contact. He is a vet, so I said, you aren't deployed, you aren't without ability to contact me, like no signal.  He quickly apologized and noted I was right.  I don't know if being single for 4 years or being military for years made it "easier" to just not communicate, but there are no  reasons now. Even military can skype.  Only training in the field and true mission work keeps you from a connection now.  So he is better.  He may not say much, a quick text, but something.  I knew putting it to the wall in Jan. could lead to a change in the relationship but I knew what I needed and expected, which was not much, truly.

 

Oh, he did note that he always contacted me.  This was true.  I felt he needed to do so, maybe old school.  So, I now will reach out to him, and he appreciates that.  And it isn't about being needy, but both of us reaching out to each other. 

 

Navigating the waters!  OY! 

 

I hope you and NG work out a system that is workable for you both.

[daysofelijah]

Communication is hard. I almost always let NG initiate, even two years into it. The vast majority of our communication is by text, but we see each other in person 5-6 days of the week now too. Things have stepped up in that area to the point where I'm a little glad to get a day off to myself 1-2 times a week.

 

I'm lucky that he hasn't gone a day since day 1 without at least a good morning & sweet dreams text. I tried to take a couple days off one weekend last summer when we were having some issues but we couldn't even make it a day.

 

Us having dealt with the loss of our spouses it's understandable that a day w/o contact can be worrisome, even panic causing. It's a hard line between needing contact and being smothering. Making your feeling clear to your NG's and why you feel that way sounds like the best way to go about it.

 

I am typically the "needy" one in the relationship, but NG is just as needy as me as far as communication, so we smother each other, and like it for the most part, lol.

 

[arneal]

Thanks, tybec and daysofelijah. I just couldn't stand it and ended up posting a message to him on social media  I had posted a couple weeks ago asking for ideas for Easter dinner; he replied first with a crazy response, to which I had replied that I would be welcome to try it if he cooked. Last night, I basically made a joke about what was cooking. He replied almost right away that he was thinking of a meal that he had promised to cook for me. I replied to say I had no problem inviting myself and bringing a side or dessert and he asked for brownies. We'll see as now I'll leave it go and wait for the real invite. I am on my way to the store to get groceries anyway and plan to cook for myself. I have a standing invite with friends as well. My mom was asking what I was going to do and I told her part of the story; she asked if I was cooking and when I said yes, she was like, yeah -- that's how we always do, go out but cook at home as well  ;D

 

NG and I typically connect every couple days on social media and privately at the end of the week as he works a lot. I'm not particularly needy and as such am not sure how to navigate the whole situation. He is a slow mover in general from what I understand of his past relationships, which is okay. We both like our own spaces. I am not adverse to sharing if the opportunity arose.

[trying2breathe]

arneal  Hope that things get resolved with your NG.  Hugs ~

[arneal]

Hi, trying2breathe: thanks for checking in. Hoping you and everyone here had a good weekend. A tradition in my mom's family is to be sure you've cooked at your own house each holiday, even if you've been invited to someone else's. That way, when you come home, you have something to snack on I cooked on Saturday and NG came over then he cooked on Sunday. His daughter and her boyfriend were there as well, even though we didn't eat all together. Corny jr. high moment -- I tried not to giggle when she remembered my name

[tybec]

Very nice, Arneal.  Good Easter weekend.

 

Me and NG did not communicate well, and he had off Good Friday.  He may have told me but I doubt it as I would have planned things differently as my DS was in his town for a band competition that Thurs.  I could have arranged to go and gotten DS and stayed the night, visited him and then my mother, too.  Anyway, saw him Sat. as I saw my mother for Easter early.  He then decided to come and spend Easter afternoon with me and DS in my town, so it worked out.  Still working on communication.  Life time!

 

The drive is already getting tiresome.  House on the market by May.  Wow!  This is huge for me!

[Sugarbell]

Selling house typec is huge...but it was very liberating when we sold.

 

NG spent Easter afternoon/evening with my family. My parents really like him...-and they haven't liked anyone since DH died over 9 years ago. He had dinner with us, my brother even likes him.

 

I am supposed to meet his huge (and according to him) dysfunctional family in a few weeks. I can tell he's nervous that Iit might scare me off...Four siblings each with a ton of kids...they all live way outta town in the country. I'm into him...his family culture won't steer me away.

 

He comes over a few times a week when he doesn't have his daughter. On weekends when he has his daughter she's with us.

 

His ex is still nuts. She pulled too many stunts this weekend to mention-but she was furious that I helped her daughter pick out her Easter dress (daughter was in a sunrise Easter service and spoke at regular service)

 

I wish she would just go away. She telling anyone and everyone how hard it is on her kids adjusting to the fact that her Dad dumped her for another woman. Which he laughs at how delusional she is. I'm so done with crazy people...and he is so normal, stable and good hearted (not to mention HOT)

 

We are vacationing together at a lake house in June with all the kids.

[daysofelijah]

Thanks everyone for sharing about your Easter's! Mine was good, NG worked Saturday, but he stayed over Friday and Saturday nights. He helped me stuff Easter eggs for my kids on Saturday night and it just made me so happy, I've been doing it by myself for a few years now, it was nice to have him there.

 

Sunday we had dinner at my parents. It went just fine. I'm moving to NG's town in 6 weeks so I have been bringing loads of boxes over to his house to make less to move on moving day since I have to do it all in one day because of how the loans are working out. He is being very helpful, has two all the moving trailers and help to move all worked out for me.

 

We had a little argument last night about some little things. I still have a hard time with some stuff from earlier in our relationship and my insecurity causes me to bring it up sometimes, when I know I need to just let it go. That's hard. But he is patient and wants to make things right. I have to try harder to not dwell on my insecurities though.

[Trying]

With widowhood that is that extra layer of blending that happens, there is his family, my family and late husband's family.  We had Easter at our house with all 5 of our combined kids, my mom, and late husband's whole family.  Fiancé was so great with all of it.  He helped with prep, making drinks and being host and clean up.  He may have had a little too much to drink to make the weirdness easier but I often have too much to drink when dealing with some of LH's family!  I am so grateful that he is accepting of this extra layer of blending because I can see where it could be difficult and we had some rough times early on with some family members accepting me dating.

[arneal]

Thank you for that point, Trying -- the extra layer of LHs family is something I am still sort of dancing around. I sometimes mention my stepdaughter and I talk often about a cousin ... I haven't mentioned that she is actually LHs cousin because we are close. I also talk a bit about another cousin who lives in Texas but I think I said he was LHs cousin. LH had a very large family but they don't live out here so that isn't an issue. However, I think about if we get to a point of traveling back east together. He has a sister in Philly and all my relatives are in Jersey as are most of LHs. I know the first cousin I mentioned and probably my stepdaughter as well as a few others would want to see us. Only the cousin knows of NG with any detail. My mom knows of course. I don't know and honestly don't give it too much thought as we've only gone away together once and then only for an overnight within driving distance.

[MrsDan]

Boyfriend and I had dinner with his brother, dad, and stepmom Saturday night and then with his brother, mom, stepdad, and my daughter on Sunday. DD and I did Easter morning by ourselves. I invited BF, but he is very busy right now. On the whole it was okay. But I know BF was missing his daughter, and holidays are always difficult on some level for me.

 

Dan's family has been very welcoming of my boyfriend. He and my BIL are very friendly, my BF came to my SIL's baby shower, he's invited to BIL's Coast Guard retirement this summer. And his family is great; they are very good to me and my daughter.