For those in budding relationships ...

[arneal]

tybec -- yeah, LH and I came into our situation at pretty much the same point; I worked for the community college and was renting a 3-br apartment (one for me, one for my son, and one as a study for all my books) and he was renting a 3-br house and lived in the basement so he had a nice place for his daughter on the times he had her and for him and his dad. When I moved there as it was in the same town as the college, I stayed in the basement with him, his dad had the first floor br and my son and his daughter each had their own room on the top floor. The guy who rented it to him shafted him in the end so when it was time to move, I decided to try and buy. I got the house I wanted and we all moved there, except for his dad, who had died before all the drama with the rental agreement started. When we moved west for my university position, LH was already retired due to his health and we leased a house until I found out how much a house that size costs out here (it was in the $500k range ... nope, we moved immediately). I bought the house I am in now. Each time, even after we were married, he told me to just go ahead and put it in my name. We never had much more than what it took to feed us and the pets and take care of the bills, so living on the edge is where I've been for a while. Now that I am a multi-institution adjunct faculty member, I hustle as much as I can to do what I want. Not easy, but for now, it works. I just have me and my pets to care for.

 

klim -- you aren't alone on the communication bit. NG and I don't really have deep conversations about money. The who's gonna pay thing comes up as it does and if one of us doesn't have, we say so and make different plans. trying, like you mentioned, NG said he and his ex-wife split everything 50/50; he would ask her for her half of the rent and that sort of thing. That to me is weird because LH and I were more organic; he would ask me how much I needed to pay the bills and sometime I would just say 'all of it' and we'd laugh because either he or I had bought something we really didn't need LOL. I think because NG and his ex had such a distant relationship from the beginning they did it like that. If we were to get to such a point and he moved here into my house, I wouldn't want to share an account and wouldn't expect to sit down and split everything in half. Dunno, just not my way. I'd expect a decent chunk to be able to buy more food and pay higher utilities, but beyond that -- saying of course that my income were to stay the same or increase -- I would be a bit more chill about it.

 

Thanks, trying -- NG knows that my son is on the spectrum and from his past experiences he sounds like he is prepared. We'll see!

[klim]

good luck with NG and your son tomorrow !

[arneal]

Thanks, klim -- it was good and not so good in my estimation. So there's the communication bit that we've been talking about here ... Saturday evening, NG texts me about planning for the meet up; he has been doing a lot of driving for work and was pretty tired and suggested that either I come there and we leave from his place or I come get him in the morning. I ask about the house rule and parking, since he'd been using his extra parking pass for his work truck. He answered that the truck was in the garage so I could use the parking pass and that the biggest issue was not having two bathrooms before; since the new place has two bathrooms, the house rule no longer applies. I laughed to myself about that and told him I'd come over. Just before I left home, I got a text from my son's house mom, suggesting we postpone because my son had not had the best day. I told her I was hoping we could go with it because 1) we postponed before and 2) both NG and I had rearranged our schedules for this weekend. She agreed.

 

NG and I had a quiet evening and made it to the place to meet my son. I was very nervous but the introductions went well and we left to go to brunch. I had picked this little Caribbean place and they both enjoyed the meal. My son said he had permission from his house mom to go pick up something from the store, so we did that before going back to meet her. The conversations were pleasant and he didn't ask too many questions. At one point while we were waiting for our meal, he looks at me and says he has a picture of his dad (my LH) up in his room, that he missed him, and wished he had been a better son. I told him that none of that mattered because he loved Dad and Dad loved him. My son then says he is grateful to have a second chance and would do better. Mind you, when we were about to be seated, he had asked where I wanted to sit and pulled the chair out for me. He then proceeded to try and tell NG where to sit and we made a joke of it, that he was 'directing traffic'. The waiter laughed too and my son said that he was just trying to be nice to 'his parents'. He referred to us as 'his parents' again when he blessed the table before we ate. I refused to look at NG -- how mortified was I, right?

 

So we finish up and head back to meet my son's house mom. She thanked NG for taking good care of me, said that we were cute together. However, as it turned out, my son had not been truthful about having permission to make a purchase at the store. She called him out on it and we discussed it right then and there. NG stayed out of it and before we all parted ways, it seemed that things were okay. My son shook NGs hand again and hugged me, we laughed a bit, and then we left. On my way to drop NG off, I get a call. I see it's my son's house mom so I pick up the phone to find out he really acted out on her. I don't usually drive and talk on the phone and am glad I didn't have it on speaker or anything. Just from my side of the conversation, NG could tell I was upset. He didn't say anything but just rubbed my arm.

 

When I got home, I texted him to thank him for the day and to say I was sorry it got a bit ugly toward the end. He texted me back this morning that he thought it was a nice visit and mentioned an adage about 'praise in public, punish in private' -- he agreed that punishment of some sort was in order but that it probably should not have been a discussion there since it was in front of him, the first time my son was meeting him. I get it -- he has shared that his mom had no problems shaming him in public when he was young. I wrote back that it's sort of a hit or miss because my son is quick to recognize when someone else is in the wrong and has expressed that the person should not act that way. His house mom and I have taken the same tactic with him, that if he acts up in public the discussion about it happens in public. No yelling or that sort of thing but a clear explanation of what the problem is, what his part in it was, and why it was a problem to begin with. This was one of those times that it just did not go very well. I know NGs text this morning was sent probably during a break at work so I don't expect to get an answer any time soon. I wrote a social media post last night about wanting to be a better mom and a blog post this morning about being a better parent. Gonna just lay low for a bit and lick my wounds ...

[klim]

Sounds all good to me, my sons could cause more problems then that and their not on any spectrum. Your son sounds like he was cordial and perhaps  a bit misguided in the parent comment but close enough ( did the waiter really need to know it was his mom and her new partner , that just gets complicated, I think he just simplified  it.

 

As far as the sneaky shopping issue, you handled it there and then because that's what needed done. The punish in private comment, does not really fit here as it's not like you were just dropping NG off and heading back and could talk to your son. It's not something that could be put on the shelf till later . It transpired between your son , his house mother and you. You  were all together it needed dealt with. I'm sure he can understand that. I don't think any of this sounds like bad parenting, so I'm a little confused why you feel wounded.... anyways hope you feel all is good again soon.

[arneal]

Thanks, klim. I think it was just that high expectation I put on the meeting. I was nervous as it's such a hard thing. My son wasn't too crazy about LH when they first met because it had been just him and me; he didn't remember his birth father but eventually came to see LH as Dad, which was a good thing. I was hoping he wouldn't ask too many questions and he didn't. I was just sad that the parting was not as positive as the rest of the afternoon had been.

[trying2breathe]

arneal  Sounds like your Sunday went well, and that NG was caring and understanding.  Parenting isn't easy even under the best of circumstances, things seem to have gone pretty well all things considered.  You prepared for a long time for this meeting, undoubtedly there were high expectations and some stress that went into it.

One of the things that I admire most about my NG is that he is a devoted parent to his daughters, and lately I've bent his ear on several issues with my kids.  He's been a wonderful sounding board and it's been good to share things with him not all of it positive.  Warts and all - our new mantra - with relationships come real life issues and lately I've been putting more of it out there to him and so far so good.

[arneal]

Thank you trying2. NG was very understanding. He's working long weeks and I appreciate that he took time out of Sunday, which is usually his day to just veg at home, to go with me and that he said it was nice to meet my son. I am wondering if he'll bring up the whole 'my parents' thing at some point 

[Needytoo]

Arneal, I think your weekend went well too. 

 

My oldest son has always been challenging and NG has pointed out that maybe he has some autism issues as well. It is challenging. 

 

Just wanted everyone to know that NG did the shopping and didn't ask me for any money.  After work, we are off to his hunting camp for a long weekend together.

[arneal]

Thanks, Needy and I hope you have a wonderful weekend of camping!

[arneal]

Happy Monday (and Happy Thanksgiving for those in Canada!): ever have one of those weekends where you're just cranky? That was mine. I was excited because the delivery of my 2 in 1 tablet PC was slated for Saturday (yep, I am a tech nerd ... love new toys ;D) but thought to reach out to NG to see if he wanted to do anything. He messaged back that he was tired from the week, which based on our conversations last weekend had been slated to be brutal as they were under a deadline to get a big job finished. He suggested Sunday instead. I replied sure, let me know, etc. and went on with my day. Sunday comes along and nothing. No 'hey, still not up for going out', no 'gonna stay in and do laundry', nothing. I enjoyed my Sunday but it made me think about our discussions here on communication ... I sent a text a little while ago though to say that I missed having the chance to wish him a good week in person.

 

I think I mentioned one of my son's friends, the young woman who calls me (more than my son does LOL) and for whom I am like a surrogate mom -- she's been living in a group home for more than 10 years and has no  one to talk to her about life it seems, so she calls me. I've talked to her over the last month or so about things my own mom never talked to me about Anyway, she called yesterday while I was in that sort of funky mood; we talked about decision-making. I told her there comes a time when she has to decide for herself what it is she will deal with and what she won't when it comes to her friends (everyone in her circle has special needs like her and she struggles to figure out who she should include as a friend).

 

It again made me circle back to our discussion about communication. When do we tell the new folks in our life precisely what we expect? How do we have those conversations? Here is where my own lack of good communication comes in. There was no meeting in the middle in the first marriage -- his way or nothing. Life was sort of organic in my second marriage and it wasn't until far into LH's illness that I had a pointed outburst of sorts when I felt like he didn't care about my feelings (in that case, the doctors had said he could not have one drop of alcohol because of the interaction with the medication they put him on after he came out of ICU ... he drank anyway and I was frightened). I want to be in a place where I don't open my mouth and sound like I expect things to go my way all the time. I guess trying to figure out more organic two-way conversations in this area is my difficulty.

 

This thing with NG isn't like that experience with LH, but I often struggle in the communication department ... sigh. A big part of my angst is about how we left last weekend after seeing my son. I am grateful for tybec's post on another thread ... it is what it is, no matter how I think about it. I am working on living in that space. In the past, people have struggled to understand how I engage with my son so I guess some things don't change and I need to accept that. I am hoping this whole thing is just me, in one of those over-thinking moments.

 

Thanks for 'listening', friends. Am grateful for each of you.

[trying2breathe]

It again made me circle back to our discussion about communication. When do we tell the new folks in our life precisely what we expect? How do we have those conversations? Here is where my own lack of good communication comes in. There was no meeting in the middle in the first marriage -- his way or nothing. Life was sort of organic in my second marriage and it wasn't until far into LH's illness that I had a pointed outburst of sorts when I felt like he didn't care about my feelings (in that case, the doctors had said he could not have one drop of alcohol because of the interaction with the medication they put him on after he came out of ICU ... he drank anyway and I was frightened). I want to be in a place where I don't open my mouth and sound like I expect things to go my way all the time. I guess trying to figure out more organic two-way conversations in this area is my difficulty.

 

 

Good question - I'm trying to address things as they come up, if it's something that bothers me I speak up about it.  There have been some awkward moments but so far things have been sorted and we move on.  Everybody has different expectations and standards, it's a give and take on both sides.  I don't think that letting NG know how you feel and what you'd like is putting out an expectation that things go your way all of the time, just that you have standards and are seeing if you can co-exist happily together.  I don't know that I would let NG know "precisely" what you expect - give it a little wiggle room and maybe you can come to a happy compromise?

[arneal]

Thanks, trying2. I think it's always a bit more difficult when you aren't sharing space with the other person. We have excellent communication when we are together, face to face; it's the in-between that is weird for me when it's by text. I suspect it's the writer in me, looking for more context than what is actually there. I am working on that 'it is what it is' frame of mind that I mentioned from tybec. It is slow learning for me  :-[

 

As an aside, he did reply to my text. As I took time yesterday evening to (over)process, I believe it's about comfort level. He is very comfortable with me, trusts me, and sees me as an independent person. I basically do what I want, when I want. I joke that my dogs and I are an unruly pack but at the same time I can be very focused. I suppose he likes that contradiction.

 

Midlife attraction problems. So junior high ...

[trying2breathe]

I find that there can be a lot lost in texting vs. RL communication.  I sometimes misinterpret his texts or the timing of them, creating something in my head when something else was intended entirely.  It seemed easier back in the day when all we had was telephone or face to face contact. Or letter writing!  I have a collection of written notes from LH, do those even exist anymore?  lol

[Needytoo]

Communication..... I really need to work on that. I have had so many issues with not being a good communicator, even with DH I just couldn't voice my words because I was so afraid of hurting him which actually caused a lot of pain and suffering on my end. 

 

NG loves to talk but sometimes I don't think he remembers what he said, I know it just could be a guy thing but it is frustrating but I have no idea how to bring it up. 

 

 

[Captains wife]

arneal - just a few words of advice from someone who hasn't been a great communicator (and I can be quite passive aggressive about it - i.e. if he doesn't respond to my text for a long time, I can act like a big baby and not respond to his for a period of time).

 

Its so difficult trying to understand what a person is thinking, especially in the earlier dating phases. The Sunday thing would have honestly bothered me - but on NG's end, maybe he just had stuff going on. But the lack of response would have left me wondering too (although I gather from your subsequent posts that he ultimately resurfaced).

 

But saying nothing if its bothering you will only fester and compound - and those feelings wont go away so having a gentle conversation with him (or being more proactive if you want to see him) is a good idea...just so he understands where you are coming from. Maybe he has no clue how his actions are bothering you ? I too also used be very self conscious about my son (as I was dating when he was a young baby and sometimes he would just lose it in front of the guy I was dating...and this guy I was dating wasn't great with kids).

 

One thing I learned from my ex BF was that I needed to be more proactive in communicating what I wanted and who I was to him - I expected him to read my signals and that's not fair...and I can understand in hindsight some of the reasons he got frustrated with me along the way. I think, too, its all about the way it is communicated. I would let things fester and then it would just come out (and not in a particularly nice way).

 

In my world now, for example, the guy I am dating used to just go silent on me for hours and hours when he had his son (divorce with limited custody) - but expect me to drop everything to talk to him when he was free. So I sat him down and explained in a nice way that is lack of communication during these period upset me - and this was a double standard...(see I'm getting better !). The end result - he definitely made some changes and acknowledged it. (He had no idea that he was doing that to me). Wishing you all the best in this Chapter 2 - this isn't easy territory.

[arneal]

Your post made me smile Needy, about your NG not remembering what he said. Mine does that too sometimes ... he'll tell me something and then several weeks later (sometimes longer if it's a memory trigger moment) will tell me again. Sometimes he'll ask as he starts whether he told me the story before and if so, I'll say yes. Sometimes I don't remember until he's into it a bit and then I say something like, 'Oh, yeah! I remember this' and either leave it at that or recount a part of the story. There are also times when he's into whatever it is and I've heard the story before that I'll just let him tell it. Other times I'll tell him that I remember it. I try not to repeat stories so I don't know if he remembers what I say or not, but if he does and I've repeated, he keeps it to himself. That, or he doesn't remember. Or he likes my stories; I do write fiction for fun after all LOL.

 

But seriously, I wonder if sometimes for those of us who have been by ourselves for any amount of time or just on our own even in relationship if we tend to not talk generally. I think he's comfortable with minimal talk in between being face to face. I am too but when I want to be clear on plans, yet not pushy. Sigh.

[Needytoo]

I also let him retell the story.  It's when he says he is free, then isn't, then right back to being free that is sometimes challenging.  Unfortunately, some of this is out of his control.  His Mom is recently widowed and he helps her out.  Hard to get too upset about that. 

 

All in all our relationship is going extremely well.  Still waiting for my sons to be a little more accepting but who am I kidding I knew it was going to be like this. 

 

Still working on the communication thing. NG says I am opening up to him which is good, just really not sure if you have to share all the "nasty" stuff with a new partner. 

[arneal]

Yes, the key there is 'new', needy. Plus, sharing I would say is a two-way street. If he is open to sharing ugly bits with you, hopefully he can stand to hear and be accepting of your ugly bits as well. NG was very open early on, even before we were intimate he shared deep things that I don't think I would have been willing to share early on. I then felt comfortable with sharing my own. Not graphically, but with enough detail to outline the difficulties and hurts.

[Trying]

For some reason, early in our relationship we were extremely open about our pasts and lots of ugly unflattering things.  I think we were both trying to scare the other off with the truth to avoid being hurt later on.  It didn't work, it ended up building trust instead.

[Needytoo]

Last night I opened up to more of the "ugly", NG cried with me. This is what I want a relationship where the other person knows almost everything, and slowly I am doing that.  I can't believe I have only known this guy for three months, feels like we have known each other for so much longer.

[marriedwithkids77]

I love reading your histories 

[arneal]

Good for you, Needy! It is interesting how we grow and change. Over time, we come to learn more about ourselves and make changes about how we allow people into our inner circle. We figure out what we will and will not accept. This has become more apparent, maybe because it is Diwali and along with my Hindi and Nepali friends am more conscious of renewal and positivity this week. Or maybe I am just learning more about how to heal my own soul spaces. Either way, it is comforting to know that many of us are on the same journey ...

[arneal]

Happy Monday everyone. How was the weekend?

 

tybec, your update on the limited time thread made me think about my weekend. I finally took my archery lesson on Saturday -- loved it and plan to take it up as a hobby. I do enough in the house and want to get out a bit There was a woman there (Lord help me, I can't remember her name!) who seemed anxious to have another adult woman to take lessons with; I hope to get back next Saturday, even thought I can't go the following Saturday as I've promised a neighbor-friend I would help her at a local event (she has a photo booth business and her daughter, who usually helps, raises companion dogs and it's time for check-ups so she can't go). I met another friend yesterday morning at service and after I came home just played around with the dogs and relaxed for a change.

 

Earlier in the week, NG had sent a text; he had been in a mood and wanted to apologize for being distant. I replied with a bit of encouragement and told him he knew where to find me. He surprised me with a bit of public banter with me, him, and one of my friends on social media, but beyond that, no communication through the rest of the week. I didn't reach out this weekend until last night to send a heart and wishes for a good week. This morning I see he sent a text when he got up to day he wishes I'd been able to come over (he can't come my way -- needs motorcycle tires, which for a Harley, ain't cheap!) and hopes I have a good week as well. I replied that I had been at home, writing and chilling out, figuring he had wanted some time to himself so I didn't hit him up. Said for him to let me know what the weekend ahead looks like.

 

My plan is to just press on and see what happens. I don't want to play games because I love being with him but I don't want to always be reaching.  :-[ Okay, short rant over. Back to work (and nursing the bruise on my arm from where I snapped it with the bow string -- ow! Lesson learned  )

[Needytoo]

I really want to try archery as well Arneal, but a little afraid of being injured as well.  Communication, that strange beast. 

 

My weekend was great, spent it with NG at his hunting camp.  He made me open up a little more regarding my past. It is different having a partner that really want to get to know you. I have gone most of my life with no one really being there for me so this is really different. I am having a few issues exposing that part of myself, I rather focus on the present. 

 

We are talking more about our future together. This feels good and strange to me. We talked about that there might be a time where his son with autism comes and lives with us. Right now I would love it if my kids would move out. I am tired of cleaning up after them and supporting them even though one of them works full time, but I am open to having his son live with us.  Can't figure out why at 50 would I even want to raise another kid.  But I do like kids, but don't necessarily like young adult males (speaking of my kids). His ex-left him for another guy doesn't work and told NG she is never going to marry him so he might be paying spousal support for a while. This woman can be very cruel to the kids, and I have an issue with this.  I might be talking like a feminist but hey woman get out there and work.  I have three jobs at the college (one part of me is on strike right now) because I had to support my family and we all know all the struggles other widows/widowers have gone through, the thought of this woman doing this really pisses me off. NG and his ex have a meeting with the lawyers next month to start their divorce agreement., I know none of this I have a control of.  Sorry for the vent.

[arneal]

I had archery on my list of things I wanted to do this year. I'd loved it in high school but never got back with it as an adult so here I am! I heard from a neighbor about someone local looking to get rid of their equipment but haven't gotten a reply from her. I really got my hopes up on that one but I guess it's the Creator's way of telling me to get my own and not settle for leftovers 

 

Yes, communication is so weird and difficult. I am glad to hear that you and your NG had a good weekend of it. I have been working on my scenarios as I am thinking it will soon be time to have a deeper conversation with NG. I would love to get back east to see my mom and was thinking of asking him if he wanted to come. He has a sister back there but of late they have been distant. We'll see. It must be the season for better communication and connection; my cousin and her NG (not exactly new -- they have known each other for some time and he expressed interest in pursuing more than friendship long ago) just 'announced' that they are a couple. It's funny because when NG and I met, we both had on our profiles that we were looking for either friendship or long term relationship. We had a brief discussion of it back then but since, we haven't talked about it. We've just lived in the moment. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but there are times, like now, that I am feeling like more needs to be said. I am planning to not be the one to ask for time this weekend. I will prayerfully go back to archery and see where the day goes. I might send a 'whatcha doing?' text if I don't hear anything. He's a better hermit than I am!

 

Don't even get me started on spouses that don't work and all that. LH had one of those who felt she should be taken care of and just stay home to raise kids like her mom did (different generation, different lifestyle, different economy). She works now because they broke up and their daughter is too old to receive any sort of support anymore. She'd had him locked up when he was unable to work back in like 1999, which was when his heart condition started. Just wrong. I work for three different universities so I know what you mean! NG met my son who is on the spectrum and I've met his daughter and her boyfriend. I am wondering if we'll do Thanksgiving together; he already said what they are cooking and I've decided what I'd like to make so on that one, I am going to ask if I can join in. No assumptions, you know.

 

Deep breaths ... hoping for good updates for us all!