For those in budding relationships ...

[Trying]

Needytoo I'm sorry you're going through such an emotional day.  Witnessing my kids grief has been the hardest part of this whole ugly journey.  The thing that really tears at my heart is knowing that there is no longer another living person who cares as much about my kids as I do.  My new husband is supportive but he doesn't know them and love them the way I do, how could he? 

 

It sucks that NG wasn't there for you and I know it hurts. Sending you big widow hugs.

[arneal]

Oh, {{{hugs}}} Needy. It sounds like NG needs a talking-to. That, or (Lord help me) the angry side of me says to react similarly when he has a serious issue ... even if you are physically there, be distant. See how he likes it. That's horrid, isn't it?

 

Confession: I watch the cartoon 'Gumball' ... there was an episode once where the kids and the dad were playing tricks on each other and when the kids got the dad, he said 'It's only funny when it happens to someone else!' I think of that often in the context of how people react. They don't realize how they affect others, seeming to be shocked when those around them say that they are hurt or upset. When it happens to them, sometimes letting them feel it and then talking it out works.

 

However, when it doesn't, we are vindictive ... it's a hard call.

[Virgo]

Needytoo, I'm sorry your NG wasn't there for you. Sending you hugs. I try to see things from their perspective too. Maybe he was just trying to give you space.

 

New territory for me tonight. My NG said I love you, but then he started backpedaling after my initial reaction. It was a long pause, but I did say it back sort of quietly. Honestly, I was processing. He said it as I was leaving, so we texted a bit when I got home. Then he called me. He basically said he was trying to tell me how much he adored me and it came out wrong. I think my reaction scared him. Then later this evening I cried in the shower. Why? I've only said I love you to one other man, my LH. It wasn't a sad cry, but more like a realization or a release. Another small step forward...

[klim]

 

Yes Virgo that statement, those 3 little words can have quite and impact.I'm glad you are viewing it as a step forward.

Some say it so easily , it can mean, you make me happy or show appreciation or adoration. For others they reserve it for very poignant moments and say it very rarely.

In my first post widow relationship I said it one night when i was happy and feeling very secure and his response was  a very cautious warning that those were very powerful words and should be used very carefully. i was probably the one doing the back peddling then, saying i was just in a good mood and was enjoying being with him.That relationship  developed and lasted almost 3 years and I was careful about using those words. He did end up  saying he loved me and when he did, you knew he was sincere.

Fast forward to the relationship I'm in now and new NG was flinging those words around way too early. I kept telling him , you can't say that you don't even know me.He said it just means that I enjoy you. I did not reciprocate with "i love you" I said I enjoy you too....and told him I couldn't say it until it meant more. he still says it alot more then me, I think just because I don't use the phrase casually.

[Virgo]

I am the type of person that will say it often and freely when I actually mean it. I wouldn't have said it if I didn't. The hesitation was because of my LH, over thinking. I have caught myself almost saying I love you to my NG. Especially as we're saying goodbye.  Our goodbyes have been a little awkward lately and I think it's because he was building up to saying it. I actually told my girlfriends a couple of weeks ago that I thought he almost said it. That is why I feel bad about my initial reaction, but I can't really change that. I can only explain it. We have talked a lot since Friday, but we haven't seen each other. I haven't brought it up since Friday either. I would rather have that conversation in person.

[Needytoo]

Hello everyone, trying to adjust to the time change. Why does one hour change totally screw you up? 

 

Friday NG and I went out for supper and I asked his advice regarding my youngest son and wanted him to read a post that my son put on Instagram about losing his father.  NG didn't know that Thursday was the "day" and was so apologetic on what he did.  Again,  I suck at communication.  Probably for the best he didn't  I wasn't good company. 

 

I feel like you Virgo. It took me a long time before I told NG I loved him. Needed time to process all of it. 

[Virgo]

Needytoo, it sounds like maybe you two do need to communicate more. That's good that you talked about it.

[arneal]

Oh, boy ... those three words lol! They didn't get said out loud until earlier this year. We don't say it much but the sentiment is there in actions and emotional connection. It happened the first time when I said to him that I was sending lots of love his way due to a situation and he replied with 'I love you too'. I think we've only said it once or twice since.

[Virgo]

We normally see each other on Tuesdays, but he started feeling bad last night. Bad timing. I haven't heard if he still wants to get together tonight. I really want to see him to help ease my over thinking about Friday.

[arneal]

Virgo -- seeing him might help but it's important to get to a point where you don't need to get that sort of 'validation' (for lack of a better word). You can't change what happened any more than you can change his reaction to it. It's hard to do but necessary for our own well-being.

[Virgo]

Arneal, I understand what you are saying too. I guess I just look forward to the few days we do see each other because of my schedule. We're not going to see each other tonight. I miss seeing him, he said the same thing, but he obviously can't help that he's sick. I hope he feels better by this weekend. We were talking about going to Chicago this weekend for a short getaway. We need it!

[arneal]

Oh I hope you get to go away! I get it for sure. I certainly missed my guy when we couldn't see each other on a usual day

[Virgo]

Right now our definite days are Tuesdays and Saturdays. The rest of the week we try to see each other whenever we can. Last week I also saw him Thursday and my daughters went with me to his house Friday.

[Needytoo]

TGIF!!

 

You are right Virgo, I need to be a better communicator and NG is helping me with that.  The deep black shit I still have a hard time talking about.  Not sure if that is good or bad. lol

 

NG and I spend a lot of time together, which makes it even harder when we are not together.  Because we do spend a lot of time together his Mom gets a little upset with him that he isn't their to "serve" her all the time.  Hard spot to be in.  I listen to him but not sure what I can offer for a solution.  Learning curve of a new relationship has its challenges. 

[Virgo]

Needytoo, that's a good sign if you feel comfortable sharing the deep shit with him. I can see his mom being an obstacle. He's a grown man. She needs to realize he has his own life to live too.

 

My NG is still not feeling 100%, so we're going to postpone the trip to Chicago. We're going to spend the weekend together just more laid back. Dinner out Saturday, movies, and staying the night together at his house. Just relax together Sunday too. It will be nice. It's been awhile since we've been able to stay the night together.

[arneal]

Hoping everyone is having a good weekend. I am packing for a business trip, which makes for an interesting day as BF gets used to my dogs for true. They adore him, almost too much, so it's hard for him to move about the house with them. However, this is life here and they will be looking to him for the next six days. Fortunately my house sitter will be here in the daytime to take care of them. I know they are going to tackle him every night when he comes in the house lol. I'll get the texts and stories when I get home. Oh, well ... they are like extra children to me so they live in here too

[Needytoo]

Hope everything goes well for you Arneal.

NG has his kids this weekend and tonight going out with friends for St. Patrick's day so I stopped off at NG's house. After an hour or so of listening to how perfect his Mom's marriage was and then hearing how NG takes care of her, I had to leave.

 

Seeing another side of this woman and I am not liking it. I know being widowed in your eighties is hard but it seems all she can talk about is being taken care off.  Help me people is this typical senior thing?

[arneal]

Needytoo I would say it is generational. LHs daughter's grandmom on het mom's side is in her 70s. Never worked, never paid a bill. Her husband died and she has relied on her kids and grandkids. She recently went to hospital needing a pacemaker. I am not saying it's connected but she was super stressed at not having someone to take care of her. I think when we get that age we won't be like that. Conversely my mom who is also in her 70s but worked all her life is not like that either

[tybec]

Needytoo,

 

I think it is personality. My mother was independent.  Went to college in the 1940s, took care of my father with alzheimer's.  She just passed in Nov.  She did everything she could to be independent.  She apologized to me at the nursing home, in hospice, mind you, as she didn't like that she needed care.  Her mother became a widow in her 50s and had to learn to do everything, drive, pay bills, work outside the home.  My mother saw that. 

 

Now, my MIL moved to where my LH and I resided.  She wanted her only son to do all kinds of things. She would call him at work so he could come over and do things at her house before coming to our home.  He set limits with her, but he still took care of her until  he died.  One reason I had to move away from her. She was talking to my son, who was 13 at the time and telling him how he could drive her around when he got his license.  She told him he could drive her when she broke her wrist last summer, as he was old enough to do so.  I confronted her on it and she said she was joking, but my son did not think so. NOPE.  Boundaries.

 

Personalities and experiences.....

[Leadfeather]

I think it might be time to start posting here instead of in the online dating thread. No longer online dating, I am only seeing A. Hopefully I never have to return to that previous thread to post about any awful meet and greets or first dates ever again. But who knows how the future is going to unfold.

 

Here is my latest stream of consciousness ramble. I should probably have started a journal or something but I doubt that will ever happen. You can not pass a journal round and get feedback from a bunch of people who understand like you can here on the boards

 

After last weekends very wonderful day together we have had several deep phone conversations and text threads. I have made it very clear what I want. She was apologetic for being in her words “a bit of an enigma”. I agreed that she has been but let her know that I think she is worth investing my time in while she sorts herself out. I did mention that her enigma-ness has caused me to have a bit of an rollercoaster emotional journey. And I have noticed since I told her that that she has made a concerted effort to let me know how much she appreciates that I am in her life. Which in turn has made me feel better. So that is good.

 

Last night we planned on getting together for the evening, just a low key meal and a walk if the weather was not that cold.

 

I drove down.

 

She had had a very difficult day at work and with her teenage daughter who has some issues with depression and is struggling behaviourally. So A. was quite tired and stressed. We talked and had dinner. I told her that there was no pressure to get away this weekend, I just needed to know one way or the other so I could buy some tickets for a show before it got sold out. She really wanted to go but is worried about going out of town when her daughter is struggling. And knowing what her daughter is going through and the lack of support her daughter receives from A.'s ex it is a legitimate concern. So we are pushing that weekend trip back. I am thinking we will get together this weekend at her place or mine.

 

We had a nice dinner and were talking on the couch when her phone rang in the other room, she thought it might be her sister. She went to check and came back in just a few seconds looking shocked, I thought someone had been hurt. It had been her ex-boyfriend, the one she thought she had blocked. She did not answer. They had had a very bad breakup. She broke down in tears. I held her, she cried, we talked. She shared how hurt she has been by men she has loved and trusted and how hard it is to let go and trust again. I shared some of my struggles with going on after Christine died, I cried, she comforted me. It was not a fun date. But it was a chance to get closer to each other and make a deeper connection.

 

New relationship stuff is hard.

[Abitlost]

LF,

 

Obviously you need to read my response with the understanding that I only know what you have written. I don’t know you, or A, and all the nuances of your budding relationship. My response is based on red flags that you have written about and a hope that you can identify and address them as fits with your life, beliefs, feelings, and goals.

 

From what I can tell, A is playing you. She is a self-described enigma because she is not emotionally available. You don’t “think” you blocked an old boyfriend, it’s a pretty straight-forward procedure. A person doesn’t usually break down if they are contacted by an ex that they are over. I’m thinking she may have hopes of reconnecting with her ex. That’s not to say she isn’t conflicted, because she clearly has feelings for you as well. But you deserve better than the seat next to her on the emotional roller coaster she’s is on. 

 

You seem like a really great guy...emotive, grounded, accepting of your circumstances and desiring to forge a new path. I understand seeing something in a new love interest, believing in it,  and wanting to play it out. A, however, appears not to be in the space as you. I see great potential of you getting hurt.

 

You said you wanted feedback but I know none of this is what you want to hear. If you would rather I butt out and not respond, please say so.

 

abl

[Leadfeather]

Thank you for your feedback. You might be right. I am pretty sure she is not playing me, I might be wrong. I am going to give it more time if I get hurt that is not the end of the world. And if I am right and there really is something growing between us that is a prize worth the risk.

[arneal]

Hey there LF, good to see you moving around the boards. Sorry you've had this encounter. If I might offer a slightly different take on A?

 

My BF was quite wounded in relationship. I've shared a bit here and on the deeper waters thread. He was often very distant, could get moody when thinking on the past and those people with whom he'd been connected. Hurt makes it hard for people to think clearly and to have hope that maybe you will be different. It took nearly two years of letting him be, of continuing to develop my own capacity, to sometimes from a distance (no matter how weird it felt) be supportive, and to still show that I cared. It's a lot to juggle. But like you, I felt he was worth it. He moved in last month. I am traveling for work and he's home with my dogs, my babies, who I don't trust many people with.

 

Does he still get moody? Yep. However, it's different because we are in closer proximity. We grew together despite his moodiness. Am I suggesting that you and A go to that length? Not at all. However, know that even with 'issues' presently, it is possible she will grow. What we see as normal post-relationship behavior might not be how she progresses past this ex. The she thought she blocked his # might simply be a lack of technological prowess. Or maybe she is a player. Time will tell.

 

Follow your instinct. Be careful with your heart, but open to possibilities. It's very difficult to move forward, sure. But if we don't try, we won't. {{{hugs}}}

[Leadfeather]

The thing is, she did not have to tell me he had just called. She left the room to get her phone thinking it was her sister. When she came back just a few seconds later she could have easily told me anything but "it was my ex boyfriend" but she did. She has always been open and honest with me about what she is feeling and where she is at which is something I appreciate. Honesty builds trust which is one of the fundamental things I look for in a partner.

 

She called after work today and we talked by phone for about an hour. She mentioned he called back last night after I left and they talked for a few minutes. She said it was awkward and uncomfortable. Again she could have told me nothing about it.

 

Anyway we have a date on Saturday which might be the last time I can see her for a few weeks. She has her kids the next week and we have yet to introduce each other to our children. The week after that she and her kids are visiting her sister. So if nothing else that will give us time to think.

 

 

[Portside]

Dude - you enjoy a beating much more that I do, I'll say that.

 

I won't detail the reasons I think your time with this woman is not time well spent. You've made your mind up. That's fine - it's your time.

 

But I will say this, true love isn't this hard to recognize or painful to achieve. But I guess we all go about it differently.

 

Truly my friend, I mean this without a bit of snark - good luck.

 

Mike