Drawing the line with the x?

[trying2breathe]

I enjoy the male perspective here, and yes maybe it's stereotypical to think that all men react and feel the same, just as possibly all women react and feel the same.  I believe that men and women generally speaking, are different emotionally and have different ways of thinking and reacting.  Although Portside's posts can sometimes seem abrupt, from my experience what he shares matches closely the interactions that I've had with LH, NG and male relatives.

[jgib]

I was not saying all men are the same, nor all women.  But men and women's hormones, brain functions as well as other things, are different and as such thoughts, reactions and emotions are different.

I accept and value the differences! 

I have been around long enough now that I prefer to listen and learn about differences.  It is difficult when two people's ideas about things are very different.

[Guest Metv]

I think men here are probably outnumbered 100 to 1, mainly because I think men have to appear to be tougher when widowing, don't fully express their feelings, and never anticipated having certain conversations about parameters regarding exes, but when feeling uncomfortable about conversing, have more than once had to rethink future plans. Seems like it shouldn't be this difficult, sometimes.

[BrokenHeart2]

For some reason my post didn't work yesterday so I'll try it again.

I too think that getting male perspective is valuable as well.  Unfortunately, Portside's post from early stated this "Peeing in the corners to mark out territory and boundaries will only work if you include him...".  I find this kind of analogy totally unnecessary and insulting.  There is always a better way to express oneself without the denigrating comments.

[Captains wife]

daysofelijah - I feel your pain when it comes to trying to deal with exes. I am struggling with this more than I expected in my CH 2. I do think, however, there needs to be a line in the sand when exes are involved - I understand divorced parents need to co-parent but when they are divorced, I feel that acting like a married couple in other ways is unacceptable and not fair to the new partner. If you feel as though your guy's ex is coming into your relationship space too much, have an open, honest conversation about it with him and hopefully he will manage the situation appropriately (which it is his role to do). Also, you might want to express what you are comfortable with and not. For example, I drew the line in the sand with my NG for certain things. ie. no co-parenting trips away together or I don't want to be in her toxic space - given the way she is acting right now - so I have purposely been avoiding events so far where she will be there (even though he has invited me). If his ex was constantly texting him and asking for help around the house, with her car etc etc. I would NOT be ok with this. (I deal with ALL this stuff myself as a widow). They have had a few phone arguments when he was over at my house (and we hardly have time together as it is) and I told him that was not ok to bring into our space.  I did used to be very passive aggressive about this topic and would just get moody (and shut down) when I was unhappy with the ex situation but I realized that my NG really didn't need to have his toxic ex and me giving him a hard time at the same time - so talking openly about it and my feelings about it was a much better way to go. Im still trying to figure out what I can and cant deal with in this new world of dating divorced parents with children so its a learning process for all of us !

[arneal]

Seems the ability to 'like' a post is gone again  : CaptainsWife -- consider what you said 'liked'  ;D

[daysofelijah]

Sorry I can't seem to like everyone's posts anymore. I appreciate all the comments. I even let NG read my initial post and gave him a brief summary of the responses. We have had a couple good talks since the original event and I think we are coming to more of an agreement on things.

 

He sees that "X" stuff makes me uncomfortable and he is trying. Actually she has seemed to back off since he told her no about fixing her car. So maybe it will pass. Or maybe now that we have talked more about it I won't be so overly emotional when things do come up.

 

He really wants to know how to deal with things the right way and not cause me any hurt. He tells me again and again that I am the only woman he wants, that he will fight for me, he would never go back to someon who hurt him like she did, etc. I need to let go of insecurities and believe what he says, because I really do think that is how things are. Like I said I have just never had to deal with X's before and he has soo much more of them than I ever had. (Another insecurity of mine).

 

So really a lot of this is because we have so much different pasts. We are so good together though and very much in love, so I am learning to trust myself and trust him. It's hard, but I believe it will be worth it.

[jgib]

Trust and believe....it is worth it....

[Bunny]

Once, in the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend was teasing me about a woman (happens to be younger and thinner than me) who has a big ol' crush on him, telling me I better watch out! My response? 'If she can take you, she can have you.'  It's not the easiest place to always reside in, but when you have enough faith and security in yourself then you stop worrying about anyone 'stealing' your man. Seriously- if they can be stolen away, you are much better off without them anyway. So worrying about it becomes a fruitless activity. (Incidentally, he loved my response.)

 

Also- it's better if they have a good relationship with the ex rather than a really shitty one. Soooo much better.

[Guest Metv]

Trust shouldn't have to be stipulative to receive it.  Very good points ^^^

[jgib]

Bunny, my thoughts exactly.  If he doesn't want to be with me ahead of all others, I have no interest in being with him.  A philosophy I have always lived by.

[fairlanegirl]

Second that Bunny. My daughter was playing Dolly Parton's dreadful (but annoyingly catchy!) song 'Jolene' on youtube the other night and I said just remember, no one ever 'steals' a person who really doesn't want to go. Though it's a great track in terms of raw emotion, ol' Dolly's singing to the wrong person, and how much of a catch is the fellow anyway?!

 

In saying that, I have seen people driven away by constant illogical jealousy and insecurity. 'Well if they think I'm up to no good, i might as well be' syndrome I guess.

[kjs1989]

DOE,

 

I get this. She sounds quite similar to NG's ex in some respects, always finding a reason to text him about random stuff. His daughter is 23 and son 16. They are perfectly capable of communicating directly with their dad without her being the go-between.

 

Her texts range from accusatory, nagging, and controlling...."you didn't do this.....you need to do that....why don't you this.....why don't you that....you never this...you never that.... you're a terrible dad...I hate you...."

 

Then, just the other night she flipped to...."Oh, thank you so much for taking care of that.....you always say the right things... you always know just what to do....you're such a great dad...love you...."

 

For real, she said, "Love you." They have been divorced since 2008. She filed papers while he was on a rare golf trip and called to surprise him with the news. Then she took the kids and moved in with a dude  as soon as the ink was dry.

 

NG just rolled his eyes.

 

Blech.

 

Yeah, I am with you on this....car repairs....house repairs....libido repairs....JUST NO.

[Guest Metv]

[quote JUST NO.

 

Totally agree.