Crippling fear of losing new husband (4 years out)

[Silwe]

My fiance died a bit over four years ago in an accident. I'm now happily married to NG, and everything is going good.

 

BUT. I have this huge, crippling, agonising fear that I'll lose him, too. It hits me so suddenly at times - e.g. if he doesn't answer the phone I might get a panic attack and assume that the worst has happened. It comes in different situations and it's so hard to cope with it.

 

Anyone with the same problem? I'm so tired of starting to irrationally hyperventilate if he's just forgot his phone on mute. I don't panic every time, either, just sometimes, but it's usually really bad when I do. How have you handled these kinds of feelings?

[Trying]

My DH died of a rare cancer and my middle son has a very rare untreatable liver disease so my fears tend to be around anything medical.  When I hear "there is only the smallest chance this could be something serious" I automatically go to "worst case scenario" because it has been my reality before.  I try to hide my anxiety from fiance and my kids but I have had some serious panic attacks in private.

 

I really don't know how we get over this and no therapist has been able to do anything except give me some coping strategies for when it happens.

[Mizpah]

How have you handled these kinds of feelings?

 

By texting NG repeatedly when he's late or doesn't respond, with, "Are you ok?"  "Are you ok?"  "Hey, can you call me?  Are you alright?"

 

Don't be like me.  I default to death scenarios, immediately, always.  It's no good.  Accident widow 6+ years out.  Hoping to get better in this regard one day.  A girl can dream.

 

 

[tybec]

Yes, I understand.

 

My fears are about me, more often, though.  I just bargain a lot with God, which is silly.  "Please let me get my kid to adulthood."

 

My husband was a car accident death.  5 yrs., 9 months. But I constantly worry about my health, not an accident so much.

But I like regular contact with NG.  I want to hear from him daily.  I just need it.

 

I treat trauma in children, PTSD, abuse.

 

I am not trained in EMDR.  But I have friends that are, and I am near a large Army post as my DH worked there.  They have a Soldier Center clinic, treating PTSD, private.  Good results from many soldiers.  My friend was trained recently.  I have talked to her about it, as I don't have PTSD, but still have times of panic. Haven't decided to sit on the other side of the couch, yet, but baby steps.

[daysofelijah]

I feel weird that I'm the opposite. I fully expect NG to die of cancer or a motorcycle accident or some other catastrophic event in the next 10 years. It sounds really morbid, but for some reason I have that expectation.

 

And I'm okay with it. If we get 5 or 10 good years together it was worth it. And I will be okay again. And I will live the rest of my life alright without him. But I will be grateful for the time we had together.

[Portside]

I feel weird that I'm the opposite. I fully expect NG to die of cancer or a motorcycle accident or some other catastrophic event in the next 10 years. It sounds really morbid, but for some reason I have that expectation.

 

And I'm okay with it. If we get 5 or 10 good years together it was worth it. And I will be okay again. And I will live the rest of my life alright without him. But I will be grateful for the time we had together.

 

You and me both Sister. I've taken a fatalist view of everyone's possible life span - it's been this way since I was in my early 20's. No doubt due to my time in the military 'cause you just never knew. Because of this, I've tried to put joy into each day. Not always successful but usually I am. I'm comfortable with the fact that all successful marriages end in someone's death, I mean, that simply is just the way it is. And for my wife and I, whatever follows this life will be infinitely better anyway so, there's that. 

 

I find it strangely comforting. I know, I'm weird too.

 

Best wishes - Mike

[fairlanegirl]

And for my wife and I, whatever follows this life will be infinitely better anyway so, there's that. 

 

In a way, as an agnostic - only not an atheist because I don't see how you can prove God doesn't exist -  I envy you that a little, quite genuinely. I'm coming round to a belief in some sort of afterlife but still the thought of going there, or to be honest, being left behind if my bloke does, even with the possibility of seeing my beloved husband again, is scant comfort.

 

I don't panic, but I find if my fellow is a bit late coming round, thoughts do start to filter into my mind, and I have to push them down. My husband was also killed in an accident.

[trying2breathe]

I can relate, NG occasionally doesn't check in and it drives me nuts.  My DH died suddenly of a heart attack while riding his bicycle, NG cycles and it's a constant worry thinking about what could happen to him.  There are times when irrational fear takes over and I'm a sobbing mess.  I've talked with him and he's a bit better about staying in touch, the fear is always there for me though.  I'm considering EMDR, it's been difficult to deepen the relationship with NG due to a crippling fear that I'll lose him too.

[jeudi]

I can't say I feel crippling fear...I sure hope NH and I have more years together. I wouldn't really mind going first if truth be known except I would hate for him to have to go through it again.

 

I recall how I felt about my daughter being left without me and as she is now in her 30s (her teens when her Dad died) I'm feeling more that she could get along ok- she is married now and has a great husband to help her, which I'm sure he would.

 

What I do feel when considering the death of my NH, I guess I feel like I know what to expect and it isn't so scary. It would suck but at least I'm seasoned. Anyone who has lost two spouses feel free to correct me. I am able to accept that I'm stupid and clueless as regards this. Wouldn't be the first time.

[Wheelerswife]

My fiance died a bit over four years ago in an accident. I'm now happily married to NG, and everything is going good.

 

BUT. I have this huge, crippling, agonising fear that I'll lose him, too. It hits me so suddenly at times - e.g. if he doesn't answer the phone I might get a panic attack and assume that the worst has happened. It comes in different situations and it's so hard to cope with it.

 

Anyone with the same problem? I'm so tired of starting to irrationally hyperventilate if he's just forgot his phone on mute. I don't panic every time, either, just sometimes, but it's usually really bad when I do. How have you handled these kinds of feelings?

 

Okay.  I've been through this twice.  All I can say is that I have learned that each person's experience of widowhood is different, and my two experiences have been very different.  As jeudi said, I knew what to expect - on some level.  I knew how to plan a funeral, manage the estate, and I was better at setting boundaries and not letting people walk all over me.  That made certain aspects of loss easier. 

 

It is all hard.  I walked into my first marriage knowing my husband had a genetically determined date with early death.  I was as prepared intellectually as anyone could have been.  But his death saddened me tremendously.  We chose to live our lives as if there might not be a tomorrow.  Somehow, we got 18+ years before he had no more tomorrows.  He had a wonderful life, especially since he wasn't expected to live beyond age 5 and he nearly reached his 54th birthday.

 

I was only 6 months out when I unexpectedly connected with the man who became my second husband.  He was also widowed.  He was an amazing man and we dove into life and lived life as fully as we could.  I sold my house, quit my job, moved to be with him and married him a year after we met.  We were so happy together, shared long daily conversations, traveled, and we made our relationship front and center in our lives.  I'm so grateful we did that, because less than 4 years after our first conversation, he died unexpectedly in his sleep just 5 days before his 57th birthday.

 

It hasn't been easy for me since I lost my second great love.  I grieve more heavily than I imagined possible.  I have anxiety (and panic, but that is much better than it was).  I was also diagnosed with cancer after he died.

 

BUT....

 

I have absolutely no regrets.  I would do it all over again.  My best advice is to love with all you have.  Communicate with your new husband.  Don't swallow your fears.  Let him know just how critical it is that he keeps regular contact with you, but you have to also make a point to keep calm when he doesn't return a message.

 

I knew that something was wrong with my husband because he didn't return messages to me.  We were 1600 miles apart.  I was actually at a bago the day he died and I could not reach him.  Nothing would have changed the outcome that day.  I waited (more than) a reasonable amount of time before calling the police to check on him. 

 

If you have a regular pattern for contacts, you will know if something is truly wrong.  When I called the police, I knew it had to be bad, because my husband and I had our own need to be in contact when we were apart and he had made no attempts to reach me.  No text message is going to stop a car accident, a heart attack, etc. 

 

I have anxiety myself and I understand that our brains are not always rational.  So...establish your plan for connection and make it a habit, allowing for changing circumstances.

 

Best wishes to you.  Hug your husband tightly and appreciate every moment you get with him!

 

Maureen

[Captains wife]

Firstly congrats on happy marriage to NG : )  my late husband also died in an accident  so I have similar anxiety issues. I have similar anxiety issues with young son. I've tried therapy but I still have this anxiety and I can "over react" to small situations - sometimes the widow feelings come streaming back. So hard to control those involuntary feelings...