Finding Meaning

[moncoeur]

So this is my first time posting on the new boards. I was on the old boards but took a break for quite a while.

It has been about 19 months since my husband died. For a while I was doing really really good. I was going to work I was making plans, just getting on with life.

 

Lately I just can't seem to shake this internal sadness. I can't find meaning or purpose in life anymore. If I feel good for a moment because something went well I immediately start to feel sad. Life has just been kicking me and I was already down. Things are not good with my current living situation, my job is horrible, and I have lost my faith in God. Honestly the last one and thinking I was going to get to see my husband again when I died was really holding me together and I just wanted him to be proud of me. Now I don't even have faith in that anymore. Everything feels so empty and pointless

 

I go to work and I come home and go to bed by 7:00. I need to stay up and apply for other jobs but I just can't stay awake.

 

I feel like I am just counting down the days until it's my turn to go and this is no way to live.

I have seen a doctor, I have antidepressants that I have been on almost a year. I just don't know what else to do.

 

Did anyone go through a relapse in depression? How did you find meaning in your life again?

[Lisa]

Im sorry you are struggling. This is a very long journey  with out a finish line.  It sounds like you feel very miserable.  You might need a different antidepressant.  Regardless of meds,I would recommend individual grief counseling. Sending hugs.

[moncoeur]

Tried grief counseling as well.....

[BrokenHeart2]

I so remember you on YYWB Moncouer.  We are around the near same timeframe. It all sucks to much. We will prevail one way or another. No flowers or happy urgings here. Keep on keeping on what else can I say.  It hurts like hell.

 

[mo12]

Sorry to hear it's rough right now- depression on top of grief can be a beast... I know that physical and mental heaviness, it is suffocating. Good to hear you are seeing a doctor and counsellor- sometimes a med change is needed... If I could magically help you get away on a tropical vacation for a couple weeks I would- sometimes a change of scenery and distraction helps, even though obviously it doesn't fix anything. I remember you helping me out on the old boards so thanks for that. Have you ever read any books by Ram Dass? You might like "Still Here"- its supposed to be for "aging" people but I found it really relevant to being a 34 year old widow... Wishing you easier days ahead.

[canadiangirl]

I go to work and I come home and go to bed by 7:00. I need to stay up and apply for other jobs but I just can't stay awake.

 

I haven't really gone through an "improving" phase, moncoeur, myself, but I am starting to tackle what I think is trauma, not grief.  I have just signed up with a grief counsellor (social worker) who also works with victims of trauma and does EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing).  If you remember discussions from YWBB, EMDR is actually not voodoo or particularly alternative, but is based on emerging understanding in neuroscience.  I haven't begun it yet but I will tell you if it helps out.  I remember your story - perhaps it is trauma in particular and not "just" grief that is flattening you?  ((moncoeur))

[Mizpah]

I often read and don't respond.  I feel I have so little to say to help you but couldn't not respond because I wish so badly I could help you.  I didn't relapse and I don't know what it's like to struggle with depression or a loss of faith (because I never had any), but I know what I did in the beginning when I felt beyond-help desperation and hopelessness.  I clung to routine and structure, and forced myself to do healthy things.  My outsides did NOT match my insides - inside I was darkness, suffering and misery, but outside I was making my bed, cleaning, going running daily, getting sunshine, etc.  (Don't underestimate the power of vitamin D.)  I went to synagogue weekly.  I did all the things a healthy, happy person does to try to I guess maybe "fake it 'til you make it," I'm not sure it was even that.  It was more like "going through the motions."  Eventually my insides did match my insides, to be honest.  My healthy habits turned me into a healthy, happy person, very slowly, very gradually.  Do books help you at all?  The two that came to mind as I read your post were "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl (back in the beginning, I felt like only books by or about Holocaust survivors had any credibility, because their suffering was so extreme, and everything else felt frivolous) and "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" (it's by a rabbi and I assume (?) you're Christian but it's about tragic loss (of his young son) and faith). 

 

And remember you're not too far out.  For many, a sense of betterment comes early, but for many, it doesn't.  From people way far out from widowhood who I've met in real life, the most common answer I get to my question of when they started to feel better have been 3 years and 6 years (yes, 6 years, I'm sorry to say).  It was less for me (around 2 years that I started to feel alive again), but that's what I've heard. 

 

I hope this doesn't sound condescending and patronizing and DGI.  Wracking my brain to try to think of anything helpful.  I'm thinking of you and wishing you relief and reinvigoration of some sort.  Big hugs.

 

(Oh, also - editing here - I think it was easier to feel ok when I didn't search for meaning, but just sought simple things like solace, or stability.  I remember the first time I noticed myself smiling after he died - I was watching the NYC marathon on the street outside my apartment.  I was by myself.  There was nothing personal about it.  Nothing revelatory.  It was a very very simple thing.  Don't give yourself goals that will set you up for failure - finding meaning is just about the hugest human goal a person could ever have.  Be easy on yourself.)

[WifeLess]

moncoeur,

 

The feeling that we no longer have a purpose in life is a common one after being widowed, especially for those of us who were with our spouses for a very long time and never had children. During the first year after my wife's death I posted:

 

So now that she is gone, my life is pretty much empty. I appear to function, but it is without direction, meaning or purpose. I frequently wonder: What is the point of going on? I haven't found an answer yet, and I don't expect to anytime soon. It took me so many years to establish my professional life, and even longer to find the woman who would bring joy and meaning to that life. So, how long will it take me to find purpose again? Will that ever happen?

 

At this point, I accept that I am not in a position to uncover the answers to those questions. I have only recently entered this strange new world, and I am still learning my way. I also know that I have not been thinking very clearly in the months since I lost my beloved. Months that have been filled with shock, grief and loneliness.

 

So for now, I will spend my time trying to heal. That is as much as I can handle. And those questions, as important as they are, will have to wait.

 

I now see that those last two paragraphs actually proved to be among the best pieces of advice that I could have given myself back then. For more than a year, I blindly put one foot in front of the other and kept going, even though I didn't have a clue where I was headed or why.

 

But life changed greatly for me during my second year of widowhood. Although it took more than a year to uncover, a new direction for my future finally revealed itself and I began to develop a new sense of purpose. I even found genuine happiness again. And great love too. This, despite my disbelief of that possibility and unwavering insistence to the contrary for so many months.

 

So please hold onto hope. Until we arrive at our destination, none of us can know for sure where our journey may be taking us, nor what kind of meaning we will ultimately find there.

 

--- WifeLess

 

[Ursula]

moncoeur, I remember you from the old board. I am sorry you feel so low. I have no advice but am so glad, some wonderful people above have written some very good stuff.

I can only say, I have read into the book Mizpah recommends, 'why bad things happen to good people' and I really like it. It tackles some very fundamental questions. It's food for thought and inspirational. I haven't finished it yet (as most of the books I have started to read this year), but it has opened a window for me.

Hang in there, know we are here, even if that is a small consolation , but we are. Wishing you healing.

[Needytoo]

Big hugs to you.  The first winter my husband passed was really hard on me.  No one knew I could fake it very well at work and I don't think my kids even knew how bad I was suffering. I tried therapy but really it didn't do much for me, and now I know why.  I thought there was an easy fix for everything but really there isn't.  One book that helped me was Second First, Live, Laugh and Love.  She describes rewiring our brains and how we need to start leaving the "waiting" room (her term for the roller coaster).  First start by intentionally mixing up your normal routine, supposedly this makes the other half of our brain work, not sure if this is true but it seemed to help me.  She also suggested keeping a journal, and if I remember correctly you are actually writing to your grief. I know sounds weird.  Then keep a small note pad in your purse and when something pops in your mind you want to do write it down.  I know I really surprised myself with this technique. 

[Jen]

Moncoeur, I'm just now at a year-- and I'm going to stop saying that; I'm determined to stop counting-- but I feel much as you do. I've dealt with depressive tendencies since I was 13 years old, and a year of profound grief on top of that is definitely not helping matters. I tried counseling, but that was a bust; my current doctor declines to prescribe medication. The glib answer, of course, is "get another doctor," but that's easier said than done. I suppose I need to do something, though, because I'm not having much luck beating it on my own.

 

The lack of purpose is something I struggle with constantly. Why, other than the duties and responsibilities of this existence, am I here? What is the point of getting out of bed in the morning? Get the kids up for school, go to work, run all day, come home. Repeat ad infinitum. It's exhausting and thankless, and time seems to pass so slowly.

 

I completely agree that this is no way to live. I don't have any answers, except to think that maybe-- just maybe-- we're here to get each other through, so I'm trying. Mostly failing, I suspect, but still... trying.

 

((((HUGS)))))

[moncoeur]

I appreciate you all writing in. I did read When bad things happen to good people right after my husband passed away. It does give some perspective. I liked the part where he talks about not going to temple to talk to God but to talk to the people who are in the temple, but a lot of the time it feels false. I get really irritated at church when people say God is good or prayer works, because ya it didn't work for us. It doesn't work for a lot of people. That is like saying gee I hope you are on the "right" prayer chain or you won't get the help you need. I just can't believe in a God that plays favorites anymore.

 

So maybe you are right we are here to just help each other get through.

 

Some days it just seems like people are just not worth all the trouble. My work is a really negative place, which doesn't help. I just want to shake them and say "why are you like this" feel lucky you are alive because so many really awesome people are gone. It makes them happy to make others miserable and I just don't understand why they are like that. It makes it really hard to see the good in people.

 

I also work at the free medical clinic of my town so see some pretty horrible things, and hear about some really horrible situations and it just hurts that there are so many rotten people out there. I don't fell like it's my job to fix the world, it just hurts that people are this cruel to each other. It seems to be a rarity that I interact with really awesome people and just feel like I am surrounded by assholes.

 

I will look into the other book Man's Search For Meaning. What you wrote helped or at least put things in perspective, that looking for meaning is an ambitious task, not something that is just innate inside of us and we know why we are here and what we are doing.

 

I just wish I didn't feel this way, I just wish I could see some good sometimes ya know.

 

Thank you for the warm thoughts everyone!

[hikermom]

moncoeur - 19 months was a really hard time for me. I'd just passed the year and a half mark and thought I was doing better. When it all hit hard again I didn't know what to think. Now heading into the third year in a few months, I realize that I was doing better. It is all measured in baby steps. Each slide into sadness and grief teaches us something new on this journey. I've figured out that each slide has its own "flavor." In fact, they aren't slides at all but a cycling. At first it was stagnant, I was submerged in the grief as I should have been. But at time has gone on, I've had longer and longer periods out of it. Most days now are okay. Some are even really good.

 

What floored me is how long this all takes. I had a set idea in my mind that a year will bring me to a better place of acceptance and comfort. That is far, far from the truth - at least for me. I still have very few moments of pure joy but I am laughing more, seeing more beauty in life each day, finding myself amidst this mess of my world ripped down.  Destruction is always faster than rebuilding which is very hard and messy.

 

At times that I slide back (or cycle back) to moments of true grief, I remind myself to go back to the beginning - be kind to myself, lean into the sadness, remind myself that I've made it this far and through much harder times and that I will come out again.

 

On a completely different note, I used to run the free clinic in my community.  I loved that work and miss it - even though I love what I am doing now. It was the one place I worked that had the purest of missions. It is good to "see" you again.

 

 

[Shawn823]

 

"Lately I just can't seem to shake this internal sadness. I can't find meaning or purpose in life anymore."

 

Moncoeur:

I read this when you first posted and your words so resonated with me. It is now 28 months for me since I lost my husband. At about the same time you are in your grief, I went through a long period of "chronic" sadness and loss of purpose. I did not have small children which may have created that sense of purpose and, although my career is in healthcare and I get personal satisfaction when I am able to help someone in a positive way in my work, it has not been enough to really give me a sense of purpose. For me, that has always come from the depth of my relationships with others, particularly my husband. I was absolutely miserable when confronted by the reality of living many decades without DH--by that I mean him specifically, I don't mean that in the sense of being part of a couple. Although I saw a grief counselor during the first several months of my acute grief, and did find her suggestions about looking after myself, leaning into my grief, and reassurance that I was "normal" very helpful, this sense of purposelessness was not something she could help me with. I have always been a reader, so I turned to books again. Right after my husband's death, I read books about the afterlife (I was obsessed with wanting to know he was out there somewhere) and books about others' grief journeys, which also helped me. The "how to grieve" type books were not very helpful for me. In the next phase of my reading which was really targeted at trying to find peace and purpose, I read books on meditation (which I had never done before) and finding meaning in day to day life after traumatic experiences. I was eventually able to quit projecting into a future without DH and focus more on living each day. I also evolved in my grieving to a point where I could be grateful for all the things we had together, where the memories could provide me with some peace rather than with more tears. Keeping a connection with him all the time in my thoughts as well as when I talk with others has also helped me. So now, when I cycle into sadness, I let myself feel the pain, let the tears flow, but I do know that I will cycle back up. I have learned how to meditate and I make an effort to get out in nature and just notice beautiful things every day. At first I had to force this, now I do it without conscious effort. I've stopped worrying about my "purpose" other than to be at peace.

 

I wish you were not hurting so much right now and feeling such a lack of purpose, but please know, you are not walking that path alone.

Shawn

[Baylee627]

Did anyone go through a relapse in depression? How did you find meaning in your life again?

 

I sure as hell did. At the ten month mark, and now all the way at the 13 month mark, my depression ramped again to the point where my antidepressant dosage just got increased. Everyone around me is like: sugar, are you EVA  gonna come out of this?

 

No, "Sugar" is despondent, and cannot see her way out of this, mm-kay?

 

Interestingly enough there was around four months there where I actually felt I could almost taste normality. The calm before the storm, unfortunately.

 

Baylee

[Carey]

I so identify with losing your faith. I used to go to church every time the doors were open. So did Chad. And he would stand in that altar with his hands raised, begging God to help deliver him from alcoholism. Tears streaming down his face. And it killed him anyway.  So I agree, when you hear how good God is "all the time" ... they may be right but in my earthly pain I don't see or feel it. I'm not going to deny God, but I do NOT understand how He determines who gets the miracles and who doesn't. I haven't been to church but a handful of times in the 17 months since he died and I don't know if that desire will ever be there again. I'm MAD.  I could have written your post honestly because the job sucks and I feel like I'm going backwards too. So solidarity is what I have to offer, that and a big hug I wish I could give you in person today.

[Jen]

Everyone around me is like: sugar, are you EVA  gonna come out of this?

 

No, "Sugar" is despondent, and cannot see her way out of this, mm-kay?

 

Interestingly enough there was around four months there where I actually felt I could almost taste normality. The calm before the storm, unfortunately.

 

Yes!! This happened to me too. A few months ago I actually felt as though I was doing okay, I was getting through-- I could see daylight. I was foolish enough to think, I can do this, I am doing it, yay me! But then despair reached out and dragged me back into hell, and I'm honestly not sure I'll ever get out.

 

Life seems meaningless now. Every day has a depressing sameness to it-- get up, drag myself up the mountain, collapse at the top, exhausted and demoralized. Lather, rinse, repeat. Every morning I beg, "Please let something good happen today-- something that will make me want to keep going." Mostly I just trudge through while time oozes like cold molasses. I'm still hoping for hope... maybe one day. Probably not today, though.

[Virgo]

We had a guest speaker at our church this Sunday that spoke about this very topic. I found it very interesting. I've asked God "why?" so many times. He said we need to remember that God does not make bad things happen. He doesn't want bad things to happen to us, or for us to experience pain. We're fallen people in a fallen world. He said that God is standing beside us as we work through the pain. No one escapes pain throughout their lifetime.