Still looking for my dating Yeti, i.e. a second date

[ieh21]

Joe's friend B set me up on a date. I had a big day at work yesterday, so I was exhausted by the time 6PM arrived, but I was dressed to the nines and I was certainly ready for a drink. The guy arrived, good-looking, we hit it off and to my great pleasure, I learned midway that he wasn't as young as he looked. My age, yeh!

We're having a great time, we're laughing, telling interesting anecdotes about our work, our families, it felt right.

 

Then, out of nowhere, he tells me that he's not sure about his ex, that his ex might be morphing into not so much his ex anymore. They split off a year ago for a break, now break's over and he's not that sure it should be an ex-relationship anymore. I give him a sympathetic grunt. We move on to another topic. Then I head out to the washroom and it kind of hit me. That was rude. I mean, sure, by all means be honest with me, but this is a date, not a random conversation at a party. There's an inherent goal to this meeting which is by definition entirely about seeing if we're attracted to one another. I'm not offended if I'm not his type, but making it that blatantly clear mid-way is kind of rude. And also, if you're not ready to date, don't waste my time by pretending to be. Don't use me as your litmus test.

 

So I return to the table and ask him outright, but very neutrally "why are you here if you think you're getting back together with your ex?"

 

He was taken aback, but didn't shirk. He likes to meet people; he wasn't sure what my own dating status was, given the tragedy I have been through (??); B told him I was a great person.

 

I rallied and we had a nice end of date. We walked a block together and he started to tell me how busy his month of May was, that he'd be in touch etc. I'm standing there thinking "dude, why even bother pretending?? You essentially TOLD me that this was going nowhere". So I smiled, and we parted ways.

 

I've not been on that many dates, half a dozen maybe? I generally enjoy the process. But what I find brutal is that I've never been on a second date. I'm not looking for marriage. I'm not looking for a dad for my daughters. I'm looking for a second date. And I find it kind of depressing that it seems like I am not interesting enough to anyone I meet to warrant another two hours of their time. I'm not necessarily taking this personally, i.e. I understand that it might have less to do with me and more to do with the person in front of me and that anyway, it's normal that I am not attractive to everyone I meet. Plus I wouldn't have wanted a second date with all of these guys either.

 

I am sure I am a pretty good date. I can show interest in the most boring of jobs or hobby. I have a few funny stories to tell. And last night, I looked really good too! :-)

[Mizpah]

I had a friend who was dating who was always always saying, "It's a numbers game."  I hear him responding to you in my head right now, saying that the more dates you go on, the more likelihood of a second date.  But basically I think each guy you go out with should stalk you for a second date because you're awesome!  I hope for a second one for you soon!  I'm sure you looked smokin'!  (I hope this fool at least paid for dinner.)

[cmf]

I'm not necessarily taking this personally, i.e. I understand that it might have less to do with me and more to do with the person in front of me and that anyway, it's normal that I am not attractive to everyone I meet. Plus I wouldn't have wanted a second date with all of these guys either.

 

I am sure I am a pretty good date. I can show interest in the most boring of jobs or hobby. I have a few funny stories to tell. And last night, I looked really good too! :-)

 

Definitely do not take this personally. You are awesome, and I feel I can say this since we've "known" each other for four plus years to hell and back.

 

This particular guy was incredibly rude. My one, and only thought, that **might** make a difference, and this isn't you, this is how people setting you up present you, is to not lead off with "the tragedy." While Joe's death was, and is, a tragedy, it isn't how you should be characterized to people meeting you for the first time. The language is interesting here: "her husband died" vs. "she is a widow" or "she was widowed," I think creates a difference between something that happened to you vs who you are. Does that make sense?  I say this knowing your timeline, and that it has been 4+ years. I think as your healing has evolved, the language to describe what happened also changes.

 

 

 

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VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

 

 

[serpico]

I'm curious about whether you knew his marital status when you accepted the date? When I started dating I was still seeing my counselor and I told her that I went on a couple dates with a woman who was separated. She told me that was fine, of course, but she asked if I realized that the woman I was dating wasn't really available. I was taken aback, thinking that separated means not married (there isn't much separatin/divorce around here), but I've come to realize that she was right. I've since avoid dating women unless they are truly available, i.e. not married.

 

Good luck on finding that second date, though.  It's not easy to find a keeper.

[Guest look2thesky]

I am surprised you held out to the end of the "date".

I would have excused myself at that moment saying "go back to your ex".

OMG please read the writing, we are better than this.

I can say I have been through the same more times than I wish to admit.

Game players.

[Guest look2thesky]

It's very hard in our position. The people we date all have histories. Including ourselves.

But there's a difference I believe, between seperated pending divorce and seperated pending reconciliation.

Huge I think.

[ieh21]

In the part of the world where I live, there are more people living together without being married than people who actually get married. So "separated" is the only way to describe the fact that you have broken-up a non-marriage type union. For sure, I don't usually date or expect much of men who were married and announce they are now separated, because you know, get a divorce, deal with your stuff and then we'll see about it. But it's kind of different if the person was never married in the first place.

 

I didn't expect anything out of him, other than cheerful conversation and hopefully, if it all went well, a second date. That it didn't happen with *him* specifically doesn't bother me, Mizpah is right, it's a numbers' game. I am bemoaning in general my inability to get anyone to date me a second time, despite there being no obvious reasons to reject me that fast. It's how he *handled* it that I thought was inelegant.

 

And cmf you're right, I have no idea what B told this guy, but framing it (if that's what happened) as this big tragedy that I had lived through, four years on, is not a reflection of reality at all.

 

And who knows, maybe he just didn't like my shoes...

[Guest look2thesky]

I would rather have one date with a true person than >2 with someone unsure, not ready, or just checking the water temperature. But that's just me.

 

 

I'm sure your shoes were smokin'

 

; )

[Baylee627]

That moment was cringeworthy, for sure. It's one thing for him to have been thinking it, but why he felt it necessary to share it with you baffles me. You were his (first) date, not his therapist!

 

He could have been been courteous, finished out the date, and then have told you the next day that he's not ready.

 

It's called being an "adult".

 

Baylee

[Sugarbell]

Hope he at least paid!!!!

 

He sounds very wishy/washy....For some reason some separated men/women have a hard time totally letting go of ex. Very fickle back and forth....Like living separately...heat of moment have sex again....then get upset because one party starts seeing someone else, etc.

 

Keep your radar up with this one....I wouldn't doubt it if he doesn't call in a few weeks to go out again when him and the ex are on the "outs".

[Melbar]

This is such a pet peeve of mine - people pretending they're ready and getting someone else's hopes up when they're not.  Of course, I'm much harder on the separated for this than us wids.. we earned our right to be a little off in our judgment early on.  But still, once you realize you may be doing this - just stop.  It's using people.  Not nice.  Then telling someone you're doing it - not smart? 

 

Hopefully someone will earn a second date with you soon, ieh!

 

 

[RobFTC]

Hi ieh21,

 

I'm sorry; my own experience feels a lot like this.  I have had more dates than you, and several second dates, but nothing has gone very far, to the point where I feel like a unique lab specimen.

 

I was talking to my therapist about this recently.  She was asking what I was expecting and such; mainly, I was reasonable in everything except in thinking that my initial response rate was abnormally low.  She said, "you know, it would have to be hard to step into the role of stepmom to two teen girls who had lost their Mom."  Great - not only do I have to factor in having kids at home past the age most people are done with such things, plus widda cooties centered around me, I have to remember the unique half-orphan-cooties mine field they represent, as well.

 

I am about half way to my girls heading off to college.  I am probably doing that without help or companionship.  And I know I can do that.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[MissinGrizz]

ieh,

I'm sure you're worthy of many second, third, fourth dates and beyond. This guy wasn't worth the first. I'm sorry for your experience.

 

Rob,

Your therapist seems out of the loop. Most relationships at our age include kids. Being a step to two teen girls whose mom has now been gone over five years seems easier than babies or angry exes or rowdy boys, etc. My current husband stepped into two teens, one of whom is your daughters' age and thinks her father walked on water and lets him know whenever possible that he will never take his place. Before this he had one teen boy and 50% of his time free from children and the ability to travel and watch sports in his underwear any day of the week he wanted. He knew before date one my situation. There are plenty of women out there that would find the idea of having twin girls in their lives to be a blessing. You just haven't found the one for you.

 

I hope you both find your chapter two soon. Don't give up.

[Captains wife]

Honestly, I will never understand why people act the way they do sometimes. Fine if he and his ex are getting back together - but then don't go on a date. Or make sure it is know in advance it isn't a date.

 

With the right person(s) you will go on multiple dates. I have been on so many first dates that didn't work out (and I had a similar experience to what you posted with one guy I quite liked). It just takes some time to find a match on both sides, even to go on a second date. You will also probably find there are guys who want to take you on a second date but you don't want to go out with them again : )

 

Keep going with it, and what kept me going was trying to keep a sense of humour about it plus telling my funny dating stories.  All the best,

 

[Sugarbell]

I had one guy when I first started dating again (last year) do that one date thing.

 

Then nothing for weeks....Then suddenly a text out of the blue.

 

He was messing around with like 5 different women (I have no issue with people going out with several people-but be upfront about it)

 

I ended up just blocking his number. Problem solved. It was his issue-not mine. The problem wasn't with me-it was with him.

 

Lots of flaky men and women out there I have learned.

 

In the beginning I know some friends thought I was closed minded....wouldn't even entertain a coffee date with a guy unless they were divorced (like signed sealed delivered stamped by judge) divorced for at least a year. Don't care for the reasons he's only separated (ex wife, finances dragging out)...Didn't want to even go there.

 

It did save me some headache.