Moving Blues

[Jess]

I have 12 days until I close at my new place and my fingers are crossed that everything goes smoothly. In the meantime, I am less than half heartedly packing up the house. I do not plan to immediately move at closing as there are a few things I want to get done at the new place before moving, but it is still getting down to the wire. It is hard, so hard, and I am not getting everything done fast enough. There are entire areas of the house I haven't even touched since my husband died, and now not only do I have to go to those places, I have to make decisions or pack it up and take it with me to be sorted later. I keep telling myself it is just stuff, but my heart says differently. I am just so overwhelmed.

[calimom]

Moving is so overwhelming, big hugs of support to you, Jess.  I moved at two months out, looking back, the whole experience was such a blur.  I unpacked boxes on the other end I didn't remember packing, and maybe I didn't?  I had help and it appeared they just tossed whatever they saw into a box.   

 

Congratulations on your new house, and you will get through this.  I promise.

[Jess]

Thanks calimom. I know this will be good for me to keep moving forward with rebuilding my life, but it is really exhausting me emotionally. Yet somehow, there is an amount of excitement around it, and that is what I am using to motivate myself.

[Mizpah]

Totally unrelated to your statements, but when I had to move at 5 months, I wrote little love notes to him in pencil in places no one would ever probably see, like the inner wall of the closet, the wall that faces into the closet, like the same side as the door.  I boxed things up then, including his dirty laundry, that are still in boxes in my father's attic to this day, waiting for me to one day go through them.  I didn't have it in me then. 

[Jen]

((((Hugs)))))

[lcoxwell]

I could have written your post, almost word for word. While I do not have any words of advice or encouragement, I can tell you that I completely relate. (((Hugs)))

[Jess]

Totally unrelated to your statements, but when I had to move at 5 months, I wrote little love notes to him in pencil in places no one would ever probably see, like the inner wall of the closet, the wall that faces into the closet, like the same side as the door.  I boxed things up then, including his dirty laundry, that are still in boxes in my father's attic to this day, waiting for me to one day go through them.  I didn't have it in me then.

 

I really love the note leaving more than I can express. Thank you for sharing it and making me feel less bad for still having his dirty laundry.

[Jess]

I could have written your post, almost word for word. While I do not have any words of advice or encouragement, I can tell you that I completely relate. (((Hugs)))

 

I am sorry you can relate because this is really tough! I hope you make it through your move smoothly and then both of us can say in the future to people going through it "You can do it, I did."

 

(((hugs)))

[Guest Kamcho]

Jess, I'm a little over 2 yrs and I still haven't gone through all his stuff. It's been a wild ride parting with his stuff. Recently I just got rid of receipts from the year before he was diagnosed. I just got rid of expensive meds I couldn't find a home for, I found them in the bathroom. His clothing is still bagged up awaiting a quilt. I regret purging some clothing early on, back when I forced myself to part with at least 3 things a day.

 

It's freaking hard. It does feel good to look at something you couldn't part with 6 months ago and say "ok, this has served me well, now it's time to let it go."

 

There's nothing I have parted with that I majorly regret. The open space is less scary.

 

It's ok to toss and it's ok to box it up and deal with it box by box down the road.

 

Best wishes to you. And congrats on your new abode.

[ATJ]

It is hard, so hard ?There are entire areas of the house I haven't even touched since my husband died, and now not only do I have to go to those places, I have to make decisions or pack it up and take it with me to be sorted later. I keep telling myself it is just stuff, but my heart says differently. I am just so overwhelmed.

 

 

(((Jess)))

 

I can so relate to this! Exactly 4 years ago I moved to a new place and left behind the only home I had ever shared with my husband for over 20 years. - Moving, even under the best of circumstances, is stressful, but in our case it takes on quite a different connotation. Each miniscule or large, inanimate object, no matter how trivial, seems to come to life and wake a dormant memory. The entire process becomes a seemingly endless walk down memory lane.

 

It is not about packing the contents of a house, but it is the painful sifting through and boxing up a former treasured life. It becomes a "life inventory" and with it heavy emotional decisions about what to carry forward or to let go. And the very walls of the structure are no longer just walls. They were the guardians and protectors that stood witness to the countless daily events, the sorrows shared, the happy celebrations, and the special, intimate moments. Moving represents the physical and emotional dismantling of a life that started full of hopes and dreams. It asks us to bid farewell to the enclosure that provided warmth and comfort and represented 'Home', the place where our heart resided.

 

Someone said that for every ending there is a new beginning.

 

And so -

 

"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned,

so as to accept the life that is waiting for us."

 

~~ Joseph Campbell

 

 

 

 

 

May 'the bridge of transition' lead you to

a bright and hopeful destination!

 

(((Special Moving Hugs)))

 

ATJ

[MrsT85]

It's been over two years and three moves now, and I still have a whole bunch of his stuff that I haven't either gone through or gotten rid of.  The hamper of dirty clothes that was in our apartment the day he died is wrapped in a giant garbage bag and sitting in my parents' basement.  I have a couple bins full of every scrap of paper I could find with his handwriting on it - notes, scribbles, signed receipts, etc...

 

I've only recently been able to part with things I have less of an emotional connection with, like his school papers with just highlighting, or pairs of ratty old pajama pants.  But every time I've started to go through his things - either to sort or throw away - it gets the tears going.  Every time.  And I suspect that will never change.

 

I wish you the very best of luck with your move!  My mother keeps reminding me, ALL moves are stressful, but these kinds - the kinds when it's just "me" packing up all of "our" things - are a special punch to the gut,

[donswife]

Jess - I really feel for you

Hard enough to go through this but also not having him with you to help

has got to be such an emotional roller coaster

but a wise women once  quoted

 

On particularly rough days when I am sure I can't endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100 % and that's pretty good

 

cant tell you often I think of this quote you have and it gets me through the next few rough minutes/days

take care 

[CBB]

Jess,

 

Hold on and hang in there. This too shall pass. I had to sell my home at 10 months out for financial reasons and I was on my own. Big house and way too many things. But slowly, and methodically I just began with a box..then another..then another..I didn't have a set goal in mind. As we all know, that usually gets disrupted but I kept at it till eventually I had it all boxed , taped and properly marked. (This was by far the biggest help)(Mark rooms and contents for every box)

 

I took breaks often if I got overwhelmed or the grief monster grabbed a hold of me. Take your time, take deep breaths and you WILL get through this tough time. Moving is never easy under any circumstances, but in this one it is doubly brutal, but you got this. If I can move a 4 bedroom house with a full garage , so can you too!

 

Oh..And make a list of things you need to have turned on ad the new pace ad shut off at the old..And another little handy trick is pack an overnight bag. Like toothbrush, hairbrush , change of clothes ..Like your going on an overnight trip..That way when you get to your new place..you can at least grab a quick shower once your done with your first day at your new place and not scrambling to find soap and clothing and a toothbrush when your exhausted!

 

I wish you nothing but smooth sailing into your new place. Just remember, Rome wasn't built in a day and eventually you will get it all done!

 

 

Congrats on your move, Cyndi  P'S. I am getting ready for my second move in 2 years..House is on the market! Moving Across country! You got this!!!!

[Guest tableforone]

Hi Jess,

 

I moved at 10 months. The night before the move I crawled into the walk in closet, shut the door and howled out my tears. The next day when it was all packed in the moving truck, including my husband's ashes I was too exhausted to have any emotion. I have never regretted moving. I felt that it would be impossible for me to build a new life while I was still living in our old one. Big hug of encouragement to you.

[Amor]

Jess,

I wish you the best place to be! 

Thank you all for the insight.  I got a job offer today and found a house I like.  I will think over it this weekend.  If I decide to take it I will have moved well over 3000 miles from home.  I hope this is the right decision.  I am nervous, scared, excited and missing my Love so much!

Amor

[Trying]

I hope you are hanging in, packing up and moving is such a monumental task but add the emotional stress n top of it and it's off the charts.  I'm making a decision today about a move so I may be in your shoes shortly.  The idea of the new house makes me so excited for so many reasons and I know it's the right thing to do but just the thought of packing up "our house" has me panicking.

 

One task at a time, keep breathing, enlist whatever help you can find.  I wish you peace and happiness in your new place when all of this behind you. 

[Jess]

Thank you for all the encouraging posts. They mean a lot and I sure need them. The move is out of necessity as the chopping of household income of more than 50% means I cannot afford to stay here. I find myself putting off the tough areas and I have no choice but to just do it. So that is the plan today. I set it up so friends are picking up his arcade cabinet tomorrow that won't fit in the new place and at this moment there is so much stuff in there that no one could physically get in there to get it. So it is kind of forcing myself to have some urgency to get going on it. I will be glad when this is behind me and I am settled in the new place, but there is just so much emotionally taxing work to get there.

[Amor]

Jess,

Are you settling into the new place ok?  Any suggestions, helpful hints, happy thoughts, or advice for people who will be moving shortly? 

Amor

[Guest mawidow]

I am so touched by everyone's posts and wishing Jess and Amor and all other people in transition a very soft landing in the new place.

 

Moving was hell, but being moved is the lightest feeling I've had in a long time. I gave away almost everything and don't regret it. I highly recommend doing things the MOST convenient way possible. I paid someone else to wash the windows and cover the peeling paint. I ate takeout burritos a lot. If anyone offered to move a load of stuff in their car, I took them up on it. I didn't do things perfectly, on purpose. But I got them done the gentlest way possible. It feels great to be out from under the mortgage, the yard, the upkeep, the weird co-owners, the feeling of being stuck in a shrine instead of a home.

 

I will say, I am two years out and still feel like life is unreal. My new place is not "home," no place on the planet feels like "home" - but that's just part of my widowhood process. I'm floating and that's okay.

[Amor]

MAwidow,

Feeling like you are floating through life is very well put.  I feel that way at the moment but I know where I am now is where I should be for now. 

Amor

[Jess]

Jess,

Are you settling into the new place ok?  Any suggestions, helpful hints, happy thoughts, or advice for people who will be moving shortly? 

Amor

 

Still furiously packing and getting various work done on the new place. Today, painters! I decided two key things that I think has removed some stress, though stress is still very much there.

 

1. I will not be trying to make decisions on Joe's things. I am simply packing it and will put it in one of the spare bedrooms to go through things at my own pace.

2. For the first time, I am hiring movers. I have always done moves myself or gotten friends to help, but professionals sound like the better option this time around.

 

I will update more when I am settled in at the new place!

[Wheelerswife]

Good for you, Jess!

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Trying]

You're an inspiration to me!  I will definitely hire movers, it's way too much to ask of friends and family.

 

Unfortunately I have to go through Tim's stuff because I am downsizing so much but I'm a little further along and have already gone through some of his things at 2 different times. 

 

Good luck with the rest of the move, any helpful hints on how to not completely lose my mind would be appreciated!

[Amor]

Thanks for the update Jess.  I am trying to decide when to move my things.  This is one hard thing to do.  I may have to hire a mover or maybe I will do a uhaul box.  That maybe better because of where I live.  Movers are hard to come by. 

Good luck with your move!

Amor

[DansSoulmate]

Wonderful advice and best of luck to everyone who is moving, considering moving or has moved.  I am in the early phase of "declutter" while simultaneously hiring/managing folks to do some updates for listing my house and it's emotionally draining, particularly  opening up boxes and sorting through all these amazing memories.  While friends celebrated this weekend with cookouts and camping I was sitting in my living room bawling when I found (and then put on - yes it fit) my letter jacket from high school (great memories, for sure).  But, like everyone on this board, I am finding that I am stronger and braver then I ever thought and am committed to getting through this to see what lies ahead.  Hugs to everyone!