I think I found her

[gracelet]

I think I've found the woman I want to be with, but I'm scared. It's astounded me how open my heart is to love - I'm not looking to fill a gap or just have a bit of rampant sex!

 

This girl and I met via Tinder, which seems ridiculous because she's far too intellectual, passionate and emotionally switched on to come from an app like that. She's smart, she's savvy, she understands about grief because she lost her mum when she was a teenager. She's gorgeous, engaging and has such a brilliant outlook. We talk and talk and I have enough respect for her not to want to jump her and drag her home for rampant sex (which, for those of you who know me or read my blog will know, is pretty epic).

 

I want to get to know her, to be there for her, to lavish her in attention, for her to do the same with me.

 

Only, I haven't told her yet that I'm a widow. We are only a couple of (slow) dates in. Pressure off for her, and pressure off for me, we've agreed. Just getting to know one another. So when should I let her fully get to know me? She's only 25 and I fear this is too much for her to handle.

 

Major down side? she's suffering with mental health issues. Dare I be in a relationship like that again? Oh, I just don't know. That's why I'm scared. This girl, with all her flaws, has gotten me excited in a way I haven't felt since I first met Elle. However, I face the possibility of a relationship marred by mental illness.

 

Gah.

 

Just venting, sorry.

[Virgo]

Ok, coming from a wid that hasn't dated....just take things slowly. I think we all overthink things (or at least I do.) Especially when it comes to our wid status.

[MissinGrizz]

Whoa.....calm down. This is very new. Enjoy her and the excitement, but slow down, Sweetie. If she has mental health issues, work on getting to know her more as well for both of your sakes. As for telling her, I probably would soon or it will appear dishonest when you do tell.

[RobFTC]

Gracelet, I would tell her soon lest on a random Google she finds out for herself.  It should not be that big a deal, but if it is, you might as well know sooner than later.  I have this in my profile; if they can't handle it, eff em! :-)  I'd tell Tinder folks fairly soon, too.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Trying]

I think you need to be honest with her about being a widow, it will only be harder and feel more like a secret the longer you wait.  Then relax and enjoy getting to know each other and be cautious about the mental health issues. 

[gracelet]

I've been dating for a bit now - lots of great dates, lots of sex (!) - but she's something different that has taken me by surprise.  I just have this inkling.

 

I shall be telling her sooner rather than later.  Just nervous about doing it, even though I've told other people I've dated fairly quickly.  I also need to be cautious about timing this month - it's my anniversary later this month and the in laws look like they may finally be coming to a compromise with me over the house. A knock back could affect me more than it should!

 

I actually think she's already done the google... maybe it's a test to see how honest I am with her. Meh. dunno.

 

[Guest IronBear]

Slow the fuck down, Grace.

 

Rampant sex is good.  8)

[Mizpah]

Everyone says slow down and I guess I agree (?), but with DH, by the end of the first day we hung out, I *knew*.  Had met my family within a couple weeks, wedding bands within a couple months, changed my name in less than a year, etc., etc. 

 

My only caution would be the mental illness issue as well.  We live in our minds, and if her bad times are real bad, so will yours be.  That being said, I moved quickly with my new relationship (not on purpose really) and am now with a man who is EXTREMELY different from me and has depression issues.  And we're making it work and love each other. 

[Guest IronBear]

I have suffered from major depression most of my life. Meds help me control it about 80% of the time. The quilt from the scares I have inflicted on Laurie and our kids, I will carry to my grave. Think very carefully about getting involved with someone with mental illness.

[gracelet]

I'm being slow! It's just my mind running away.  Coffee dates, no sex, no heavy petting.  It's like old fashioned courting which is allowing us to talk lots and share opinions on lots of things (a lot of politics!).

 

With Elle, I knew.  I got this feeling.  Something is happening again now. Maybe she's not forever, but maybe she's "now".

 

The mental illness thing is obvs my main concern because of Elle's suicide.  She didn't even have hardcore depression, so to speak, yet she died from it.  Dare I go near it?  I dunno.

 

In some ways, it would be hypocritical of me because I suffer from bipolar myself and know full well that my medication keeps me on even keel the vast majority of the time. I wouldn't want someone to reject me based on that so early on, just as much as I wouldn't want them to reject me on the basis of my widowhood.  There is so much more to me.

 

So, I guess, there is so much more to her.

 

Saw her again last night.  We squeezed in a quick drink after work. She's super fit and I find it hard keeping my hands off her!

[Guest look2thesky]

Take time to get to know one another.

There's no hurry or rush when fate kicks in.

Good wishes.

[Mizpah]

There's no hurry or rush when fate kicks in.

 

Uh, well, unless death is waiting around the corner of course.  I don't regret at all wasting no time of the very short three years I had with DH and would deeply regret having "taken it slow" because it would've been the cautious thing to do according to everyone else.  I'm not saying we should all jump into everything, even when there are red flags, but we know better than anyone that, in theory, waiting when you know can be a very dangerous risk. 

[MrsT85]

There's no hurry or rush when fate kicks in.

 

Uh, well, unless death is waiting around the corner of course. 

 

Hmm.  I wonder if this is a difference in mindset caused by a sudden loss vs. a loss from an illness.  Like you Mizpah, I'm a car accident widow, and I feel the same way.  I married Tim when I was only 23, which I know is quite young nowadays, and I'm so very glad I did.  And now, after losing him,  I don't want to "hold out" for a new, perfect love because I know any one of these days could be my last.  I'd rather try to be as happy as I can with a good-but-imperfect love now, because who knows how much time I have left. 

[MissinGrizz]

MrsTim and Mizpah,

I also lost DH in a car accident . . . completely unexpected and shocked. And like you MrsTim, I was married at 23, although we started dating at 19. I was so blessed to have had until I was 40 with him, but that still wasn't enough, especially with our kids being so young at the time.

 

Still, I don't think our sudden loss means we throw caution to the wind. Gracelet is wonderful and fun, but she has made "this might be it" statements a couple of other times recently as well, including a possibility of wanting to switch teams. I was basing my "slow down, Sweetie" on that, along with the way she lost her wife and the knowledge that mental illness is a struggle for this new love.

 

I know anything can take our loves away, but that's not a reason to rush in after only a couple of dates, in my humble opinion. I don't want to see her hurt further, and there are more ways to hurt than just the hurt we've been through.

[Guest look2thesky]

^^^^^^^

 

My Wife's situation was downhill cancer

(not or ever would compare to a sudden loss). To my lat?r thinking on widowing a death is a death, there's no good way.

And they are all seemingly subject to survivor complications.

Almost 4 years coming, I "dated" early after, pissed off every inlaw, but in the end it was my decision.

I think unconsciously I was hoping to find someone with perhaps one trait I found in my Wife, which I knew would be an endless search, of which I wouldn't and subsequently haven't found, since.

 

I'm sure everyone here is hoping for Her

(Grace's happiness). Whatever she decides,

Good For Her !

Widowing makes everyone react differently I thunk : /

[Mizpah]

I'm not saying we should all jump into everything, even when there are red flags, but we know better than anyone that, in theory, waiting when you know can be a very dangerous risk.

[MrsT85]

MrsTim and Mizpah,

I also lost DH in a car accident . . . completely unexpected and shocked. And like you MrsTim, I was married at 23, although we started dating at 19. I was so blessed to have had until I was 40 with him, but that still wasn't enough, especially with our kids being so young at the time.

 

Still, I don't think our sudden loss means we throw caution to the wind. Gracelet is wonderful and fun, but she has made "this might be it" statements a couple of other times recently as well, including a possibility of wanting to switch teams. I was basing my "slow down, Sweetie" on that, along with the way she lost her wife and the knowledge that mental illness is a struggle for this new love.

 

I know anything can take our loves away, but that's not a reason to rush in after only a couple of dates, in my humble opinion. I don't want to see her hurt further, and there are more ways to hurt than just the hurt we've been through.

 

I starting dating my Tim at 19 too, MG.  I lost him at 27, right as we were about to start moving on all of those "next step" life things, like starting a family and buying a home.  I thought I had decades with him, and since we started dating when I was still so young, I thought "what's the rush?"  And now I'm filled with so much regret because we had that "what's the rush?" mentality.  He never got to start the career he worked years toward, never got to be a father, never got to own a home.  All because he thought there was "no rush."

 

I'm not saying throw caution to the wind in the face of potential danger, and I'm not saying we should use our sudden losses as excuses to do harmful or foolish things.  I'm just saying that there IS a flip-side to taking things slow or holding out for the "perfect" next partner.  Life can be cruel and short.  I might be dead by the time the sun goes down tonight.  If something is good and I know it's good (even if it's not perfect), I'm going to do the work NOW to be as happy as I can be with whatever time I have left.

 

So yeah, I agree, rushing into things can be dangerous and have serious consequences.  And I agree with the comment you make about this particular situation.  But I have a very visceral reaction when I hear people say that there's "no hurry or rush" when trying to find happiness and love again (if that's what we want) because I know how quickly and suddenly everything can be taken away.   

[Guest look2thesky]

I say go for it.

 

[gracelet]

Reading this, what strikes me is that you guys really do care. Thank you! I value all your opinions and respect the decisions each of you have made on this journey.

 

I am definitely one to do the #OHMYGODMARRYME in writing, but actually not act it out in person. Thank god for the board and my blog! I physically go way slower than I write - guess that's why I write because I need to be cautious, process things and not make any more unwise decisions ie thinking with my vagina. Thanks for keeping me in check ;-)

 

Don't get me wrong, I make unwise decisions when it comes to sex (well done me though for figuring out boy widower was a stupid fucking idea despite the attraction and empathy) but when it comes to love and a future, I have a heart to protect. I've always known that.

 

What happens with this woman will happen. Or it won't. I'm not going to stop being me for someone else though. Don't worry - I won't abandon all sense of self. I expect the person I'm with to love me, flaws and all, and I will reciprocate. But we must operate on a basis of mutual respect - that's what I lacked with my wife actually and I'm not going to accept it again.

 

I admit it - I love attention. I love when a pretty girl expresses interest. It makes my mind run away with itself.

 

Still, this time, something. Different. Scary. Amazing. But no rush.

 

Life may be short, but it's long if you're with the wrong person. I'm fucking superwoman and i deserve to be with another superwoman.

[Lisa]

I would tell her about being widowed.

[SamNE]

After a few false starts of my own based more on loneliness that right-for-me, I agree that taking things slowly is the way to go. It's awfully painful to try backing up.

[SieOma]

Gracelet,

 

As cheesy as this might sound, your answer exists; be patient while it reveals itself because it definitely will.

 

I hope the best for you.

[gracelet]

So we had "the chat" last night over the phone. It was nerve wracking but I'm glad I did it. She was getting suspicious as to why I wouldn't part with my last name, even though I knew hers. I knew she was on the verge of googling so I had to call up and do a rushed job of explaining. She responded well :-)

 

Other major news is that I woke up in her bed yesterday. Bad news is that we were both so drunk that it was not exactly 'successful' if you know what I mean. She seduced me! I had a big gig with my band and she came to watch (technically date 5). This meant she also met UK Crew of widow bestie, widow second bestie, boy widower and basically all my close friends. Thumbs up all round, albeit boy widower is understandably miffed but trying not to show it. I met her two best friends too.

 

Promise this is slow. I won't be u-hauling her into my house! Just need to let her start to process my history. I shall resist the urge to constantly text her.

 

Elle has given me a sign every time I've seen her too. I still have that good feeling and it's nothing I've felt before. Woah.

 

 

[Trying]

I'm so glad you shared your history with her and that it went well!  Scary to be so open but you really have to if you want things to move forward.  I hope it continues to grow and evolve!

[Chrispy89]

Only, I haven't told her yet that I'm a widow. We are only a couple of (slow) dates in. Pressure off for her, and pressure off for me, we've agreed. Just getting to know one another. So when should I let her fully get to know me? She's only 25 and I fear this is too much for her to handle.

 

I'm only 25 and I AM a widow. If she wants it, she will handle it.