Guest TooSoon Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 What in the name of all that is holy is up with year three? Good lord. Four months into it and I've had quite enough, thank you very much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 Not there yet, but sending you hugs dear friend. I'm sorry year three is feeling so hard so far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissingSquish Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 I'll be in year 3 as of Wednesday this week. Sending love and hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Thank you, dearests. I am not sure what it is. Life is going along fine but the finality of the missing piece and what that really means day to day is hitting me with gale force. You know, its like I did everything (ok not everything but the important things) right. I had a fantastic 5 year review at work; my kid is doing great; I'm very much in love (though that's its own stressful situation). I haven't done a single impulsive thing other than take my kid on vacation. But something nags. It is almost like now even I have to say its all over and I need to get over it. He died. Time to move on with the world. I can't quite put my finger on it. I keep trying to explain it to Andy but it is elusive. I have no reason to be unhappy, dissatisfied but the best I can say is that the whole landscape of my life is so different now and I'm ok with that, often I even thrive in that, but it still all looks the same day to day but it is so not the same and never will be again. How does one make peace with that? I struggle. Just wish I could shut the brain off and be ok with things the way they are. So grateful for you guys. What would I do without you?! xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabzmom Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Sending hugs your way. I have felt uneasy as I approach year three - I anticipated some difficulty because the events in May and June compound my sadness. It is so hard to fathom that Rob is no longer here and we are moving from surviving to thriving without him. The thing I didn't want to happen seems to be happening. He's being erased and I fight that every step of the way. Every step. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HvnBound Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Wow, Too Soon, I feel your pain. I know what you mean, my three year was on May 4 and this month I have had some insights and some moments when I was sad when I had no idea, then realized the date. Today for instance, was sad, realized it might have been because this (the 17th) would have been our 24th wedding anniversary and in fact, lost a dear, sweet wid sis today. Hugs TooSoon!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lost35 Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 I am six and a half years out, but was just thinking about year three this morning...It was the year I had my, "wake-ups". I would be sitting in a caf?, talking to someone or doing something random and all of a sudden the room would swirl and I would snap out of it ("it" being my new reality) and I would sit back and say to myself, "what the Hell am I doing here?" It was the oddest thing. So odd, I still think about it, I guess. For me at least, Year One was Shock; Year Two was Agony and Year Three was, "Where the *#@$ Am I and What the *#@$ Happened to My Life?!?" Years four and five and six have been kinder... Take care, I'm thinking of all of you in Year Three. -L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Just passed year 3 this past weekend....feel I am in a better place than year two but my life and the future does seem uncertain. Alot of people keep telling me how great I look and how well I seem to be doing but I still feel sad and lonely inside. But I do know that time will continue to help. All the best, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest tableforone Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Ah yes, I remember year 3. I had moved, changed jobs and was beginning to have a social life again. It still was surprisingly painful, even when the changes were good. I had many moments of, "What the **** am I doing here?" The whole life with my husband started to feel like a dream or a strange Madmenesque flashback. Really now at over 7 years, I think that I will never feel the way I did before that horrific event. It is learning to accept that that wears on me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IfIonlycould Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 But something nags. It is almost like now even I have to say its all over and I need to get over it. He died. Time to move on with the world. I can't quite put my finger on it. I keep trying to explain it to Andy but it is elusive. I have no reason to be unhappy, dissatisfied but the best I can say is that the whole landscape of my life is so different now and I'm ok with that, often I even thrive in that, but it still all looks the same day to day but it is so not the same and never will be again. How does one make peace with that? I struggle. Just wish I could shut the brain off and be ok with things the way they are. So grateful for you guys. What would I do without you?! xo TooSoon-Year three came as quite a surprise to me too, to say the least. Year one I was a walking zombie, in total shock. Year two I was hustling to get the house together and sold and figure out where I was headed next. I needed to sell the house, find a place to live, secure a fulltime job with bernefits, etc. I was still the "newly" grieving widow trying to find her place." I guess I and the rest of the world assumed by year three I would have "found my place". I had a fulltime job, I had gone from a selling "our house" to a rental to buying my house, I was in a commited relationship, I was going out with friends and doing fun things. I had a good life! And still I woke up in year three and felt worse than ever...I mean LOW....it was so confusing for me. After all I had done to push myself to this point shouldn't I feel a sense of peace? Yet l I felt so unsettled still. It was an awful year for me....I am coming up on 7 years...7 years! in July...much, much better now...still have my moments...but yes, I remember being horribly confused and lost feeling in year three. (((((HUGS))))) Come here and post as needed....get it out....we are all here for one another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mawidow Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Oh, so many beautiful, dead-on accurate posts here. Yes, yes, yes. For me Year 1 was Shock. Year 2 was Hustle (and Raw - super raw, like I was wearing all my skin inside out. New guy said, "It's like the novacaine wore off.") I chiseled through all the finances and moving and school and work and new relationships with a vengeance. Year 3 seems to be the realization the I Died, Too. Every time I try to jam myself into a box that used to fit me in my old life, it is unbearable. I want to tell people who think I'm "back to myself" that in fact, I Died, Too and I'm now a fetus in a new life. Just because I have the same basic appearance and the same basic personality does not mean anything about who I actually am inside. I Died, Too - that is not a complaint or a pity party - it's just a fact. Sending xoxoxoxoxoxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 That's it, isn't it? I Died, Too. Sometimes I look at New Me's reflection in the window or in the mirror and think, "Who the hell are you?" Some days I really love New Me and feel really fortunate for the chance to Become Again. Other days, I'm wonder if New Me isn't some concoction I've cooked up just to survive; maybe New Me isn't real? Maybe I'm just some sort of poseur. Sometimes when people really SEE New Me, I feel a sort of giddiness, joy and optimism I haven't felt in years and along with it gratitude. Other times (mainly with my drag of a mother) when people try to cram me back into the Old Me mold, I just want to scream and run far, far away from here. It is the cluster of all clusters. Thanks all of you for getting it. Never in my life had I realized how truly disabling an over analytical mind can be. I used to think it was a great strength, the need to see everything from every possible angle, to question everything ad infinitum, but now I am not so sure.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 I am six and a half years out, but was just thinking about year three this morning...It was the year I had my, "wake-ups". I would be sitting in a caf?, talking to someone or doing something random and all of a sudden the room would swirl and I would snap out of it ("it" being my new reality) and I would sit back and say to myself, "what the Hell am I doing here?" It was the oddest thing. So odd, I still think about it, I guess. For me at least, Year One was Shock; Year Two was Agony and Year Three was, "Where the *#@$ Am I and What the *#@$ Happened to My Life?!?" Year four and five and six have been kinder... Take care, I'm thinking of all of you in Year Three. -L. I can relate so much to this. Year 3 I hit my rock bottom. I even got remarried (after chugging an entire bottle of codeine before going to Justice of the Peace) Year 4 I got my life back and became happy again. Hitting year 8 in September. Life is good...and has been consistently good for several years now. No magic wand. Everyone's timeframe is unique to them. But year 3 (for me) about literally killed me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Interesting thread. I feel like the old me died after my first husband died. Then I was reborn into someone new. I've always felt like the metaphor of adolescence fit me well...a second adolescence of sorts. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up (again). I don't feel as if I died again when John died, but my heart was broken and I've been shaken to my core. I'm fighting through that second adolescence, but without him there to lean on. I hope to emerge again with confidence. How long will that take me? I wish I knew. Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lmsmdm Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 Yes as I march toward the 4th anniversary, looking back 3 WAS a bitch. Hugs TS. lots of good reflection here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth29 Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 I'm so relieved to read that this is "normal". I also entered year 3 on May 4th, and so far it has been a constant battle to figure out who I am now. Ever since he died, I haven't been myself, but I think friends and family had given me a pass on this for a while. My year 1 was a mix of shock and complete life change. Year two was when depression really sank in. Now, my newly acquired social awkwardness has grown old to them. So, I'm hoping year three will give me some clarity, but I'm not holding out hope. Hugs to all. And glad to see that the future years will be kinder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawn823 Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 So grateful for this thread! I am 6 months into year 3 and I have been wondering WTH is the matter with me. I relate to everything you all have written about your year three. It is normalizing for me, at least I know that I am not losing it, a thought that seriously had been crossing my mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
injo Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 I have said it before and I will say it again: I'm so glad this board exists!!! Every time I feel lost in the "real" world and start to think that no one else understands, someone has started a thread to describe "my" feelings. Thank you all so much for sharing and making me feel "normal" at 3 years and 3 months out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabzmom Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Gosh this thread is bringing me clarity. I have felt uneasy and wondered if it were all our big events. However, it's not so much the grief as it is toddling my way along without him. I do have happy moments. REALLY happy moments. And then there are nights like tonight - watching my DD receive an award at school and performing in the school choir. Why can't he be here with us physically? Why? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 I feel very much the same in the letting go of him. It isn't happening consciously anymore, as it might have happened early on had I not chosen to make this whole journey as painful as humanly possible. Now it is just the low grade realization that he is slipping away and we are moving forward. Today I'm taking my daughter to England where she will meet Andy's children for the first time. It seems like a huge, exciting leap forward yet also like a bittersweet fork in the road in some ways. Its not bad - its very good! - but it is also heavy. Year three thus far has been that. Heavy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 The thing I didn't want to happen seems to be happening. He's being erased and I fight that every step of the way. Every step. ^^^ A 1000x this^^^ Thank you for this thread, TooSoon. It is making me cry, but I get it. I am still struggling with the fact that I will never find or be my old self again. I remember feeling such hope for my future when I first met my DH. I hope we all find peace in our new lives and quiet(er) minds at some point. Have a wonderful time in the UK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hikermom Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Ah shit! I thought I was beyond all that. That year 2 was the turning point. I'm so sorry it is hitting with such force. I'm sure that you will cope - with humor, grace, irony, intellect, and sheer force of will. Much love! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imissdow Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 As I come to the end of my year 3 it has been rather different. At times I feel so much better then on days like today I think what the heck just happened. Here I am getting ready to head away for the weekend and just realized this would have been a trip he would have loved to take with us. We are headed out to do a whitewater rafting trip. He was the jr national kayak #2 place guy when he was a teen( his big brother was #1) This trip would have been a blast for him. Last week I finally took the job board down out of the office and hung some pictures of my girls and I. Figured it was time to make this space more mine. Little by little this house, life, what ever is beginning to be all me and so much less him. At times I think that's good and other days I wonder if I'm regulating him to a box I take out and look at when I'm feeling melancholy. I really don't mind the new me in a lot of ways, I care a lot less about a lot of stuff. Yet in some ways I miss the old me. Guess for me I figured everything would be good again by now and sometimes it is, yet sometimes it still isn't and most people would be surprised by that if I ever actually told them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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