Say it here! ***vent away***

[Virgo]

I don't think it's ridiculous Carey. I flooded my basement Friday and couldn't help but cry. If Phil was here it wouldn't have happened because I wouldn't have been messing with the sprinklers. He would have, and he knew what he was doing.

[PhotoJunkie]

Please for the love of all that is breathing, do not get into a fight with your husband, leave the house in a huff with both car seats for the littles, and putting my daughter in a position where she feels it necessary to call/text me and ask me to get the remaining adult out of the house due to bad attitudes and her feeling scared for the littles.  Seriously now.  Grow up and be adults. 

 

Also if I do all the cooking and most of the cleaning, please feel free to clean up after yourselves while I am at work instead of letting me come home to find all the dishes in the sink, crumbs all over the counters, living room pillows all over the floor and all the lights in the apartment are on, but you guys are no where to be found. 

 

Thank you very much

[DonnaP]

Virgo and Trying,

 

Husband is wonderful, but very laid back when it comes to parenting his child. She has always been a fairly good kid - doesn't get into trouble, doesn't do drugs or any of the "bad attitude" stuff. I guess he feels sloppiness is a minor character flaw. He never gets on her case about it. If I mention something privately to him, he will point out all the positives--saying things like, "at least she helps with cooking and will do her own dishes" (that because I insisted and made an issue of telling her she needed to). He then reminds me that I rarely get on the boys' cases about such things. But, since they don't actually live with me anymore, there is not much for me to complain about. And yes, perhaps I didn't get on their cases either when they lived home. Their rooms were usually messy too. Sigh. It's the age I guess.

 

Honestly, I think my husband still cuts his daughter a lot of slack because she lost her mother at the tender age of 15 and he wasn't there for her emotionally. He was dealing with his own despair over the loss and pretty much shut down for a period of six months. I get it.

 

I had a very nice weekend ALONE with my husband, so I'm feeling recharged and refortified for the moment. I hope to tackle some of the house cleanup and then just lay down strict rules about stuff being left tossed about. Wish me luck!

 

Donna

[Needytoo]

Good luck Donna, keep us posted if it works for you.  Let's just say I have two slobs I live with and it isn't easy. 

 

Here I am again.  All the yoga and mediation and I still need to vent. 

 

I am a believer of volunteering and I volunteer as much as possible.  I will admit now that my life has changed I am also looking to find new friends.  So far I haven't found a friend but have met a lot of new people. 

 

I while back I started to help with a church support group.  I am not a member of the church but do believe any support you can give someone who lost a love one is the correct thing to do. I call elderly members once a month to make sure they are alright.  Took a long time for them to even answer the phone since I assume they didn't recognize my phone number.  The monthly meetings have stopped for the summer months but the secretary of the church asked if I could go out to lunch with a few members that need some support. I agreed.  There were eight of us, and we started talking about all the outside chores we have to do.  One of the lady's said her parents come down for 2 weeks each year to help her, this lady knows my SIL (SIL is only local relative but can't say she has given any support to us).  She makes a comment that I must be so lucky that Angela is my SIL since she is such a giving person.  I didn't want to make a comment and tried to focus on the other people but another  lady comes out and says oh no Jen hasn't had any help from anyone isn't that horrible.  Isn't that just great. The look everyone gave me maybe me feel so useless and I felt ashamed  Yes, world no one gives a dam about my kids and I.    That night I get a phone call from my SIL and she told me I need to keep my mouth shut and that I am strong and that I don't need any help.  Well not sure who I am more upset with, the lady who must have called my SIL, the lady who opened her mouth regarding my situation or my SIL is so thick in the head.  Not sure what to do with all of this except maybe quitting the group.  Everything in group suppose to be confidential but guess it is not.  Guess technically I shouldn't be talking about it. 

 

I also volunteer with my son's football league, I help with the junior and senior games selling tickets and other things.  This year a few new parents have volunteered.  Last game I had to listen to them brag and brag about their husbands.  One of the volunteers who organizes the volunteers last game just kept taking off.  Usually we take turns at the gate so at least you can see some of the game.  This weekend I have a meeting with my husband's family corporation and I just don't want to volunteer for this weekend.  The volunteer organizer called me and was begging for me to help I told her I couldn't because of this meeting I had to go to.  She remarked that she never sees my husband at he game maybe he could volunteer.  I told her that wasn't possible, and then she went off about this and that.  I said the meeting is regarding my husband estate.  She then went on about that he should deal with his own estate issues.  I finally said it, he is dead.  Then the silence hit. 

 

I have no idea what to do except just keep moving on.  Thanks for listening to my vent. 

 

 

[Trying]

Needytoo that church woman needs a reminder that things brought up in group, even if it's at lunch and not an official meeting, need to stay private or no one will feel comfortable sharing. That must have been very uncomfortable for you to get that call from your SIL!

 

As for the volunteer parents, people need to learn that there are many different family situations and never assume anything!  Would it have hurt to ask politely if your child's father was available to volunteer? You could be divorced, he could be disabled, he could be out of country in the military or he could be dead!  Why jump to him being an uninvolved Dad?

 

Sometimes people suck.

[Virgo]

Good luck Donna!

 

Needytoo, I would have told SIL that the truth doesn't hurt unless it ought to. She was upset because she knows she hasn't been there for you. That's on her, not you.

 

My little vent for today is my stupid wheat allergy!!!! I'm trying to make Oreo truffles for a 4th of July party we're going to Saturday. I made 70, so I hope that's enough. My eyes, ears, and nose are itchy. I tried wearing a mask, but that didn't really help. When I make them for family I use wheat/gluten free sandwich cookies. They're more expensive though. Well, lesson learned. Either make them wheat/gluten free cookies or have my daughters make them with Oreos next time.

[canadiangirl]

Sorry NeedyToo, sounds like your very admirable volunteering efforts have gone off the rails due to insensitive gaffes by other people.  That truly sucks about your SIL.

 

As for the volunteer parents, people need to learn that there are many different family situations and never assume anything!

 

^^ Totally agree to this.  My child's soccer league administrator sent out a shrill message this week about parents running errands during practices/games, admonishing us to never leave and laying the guilt on thick about how if a parent is not there, the child "may look to where you at to see if you saw that wonderful goal s/he made or even just to see if you're there.  When s/he doesn't see you s/he may get nervous. Heaven forbid s/he is hurt while you are gone and needs his/her mum or dad to kiss the bobo.  A player went into uncontrollable hysterics when she looked and realized her parent wasn't there and it took many parents to pacify her. It wasn't a serious situation but none the less, serious in that lil' person's mind.  Please do not leave your children at the field." 

 

Whether or not one agrees with this policy (I don't), I hate the assumptions in this message.  I hate the guilt trip for those of us who might have to go get milk during the practice (after telling the child and making arrangements with other parents of course).  We gotta eat.  Some of us don't have the luxury of time to spare.  It's already hard being surrounded by intact families - I don't need random soccer admin to interfere in family life.  My vent for the day -thanks Virgo!

[Needytoo]

You guys are the best.  As far as the church group I will be mentioning this to the church secretary when she gets back from church and let her handle it.  Right now I am still unsure if I want to continue, I want to support people and I passed wanting anyone's pity if you know what I mean. 

 

As far as the football, I will keep on volunteering when I can.  This is the first time in three years where I can't help on game day so I have nothing to feel guilty about. 

 

Just wish these life events didn't cause me anxiety. 

[JeanGenie]

Donna, glad to hear you had a good weekend... Good luck with the house cleanup and getting everyone to keep it that way.  One of the benefits of unfortunately living alone...if there's a mess, no one to blame but myself.

 

NeedyToo, you are right...you should have nothing to feel guilty about and I don't particular care for people who try to make you feel guilty because you can't volunteer on one day.

 

Now for my little vent that I just need to get out in a "safe" place...  I'm just tired of investing so much time in maintaining new friendships and it not being reciprocated.  My LH was my best friend and over these 2 years I've learned I need this circle of new friends I'm forming because otherwise I have no one.  And I've met and made some good friends and we've had some good times and laughter together.  But sometimes I feel so forgotten and that the only reason these friendships are being maintained is because I'm constantly reaching out and initiating conversations and things to do or just checking in with them.  And I know this is how you maintain friendships, but it would be nice once in a while if someone reached out to me, asked how I'm doing, asked me about getting together.  But that doesn't happen and then I question whether I really matter at all to these people, are they really my friend?  And I think I'm a good friend and not stifling because when we do talk or get together, we have a great time.  But I'm just mad (and sad) that I seem to invest and value these friendships more than they do and then I get pissed at myself for placing so much value in these relationships.  And if DH was still here I wouldn't have to be dealing with this at all so now I'm pissed at him too!  And it's a beautiful sunny morning and why can't I just be happy and content?  Life just used to be so much simpler...  And I just needed a safe place to get this off my chest...

[Captains wife]

Ok - vent for the day. Can I just say, I am tired of saying I am tired...but I am tired, dog tired. Just so much to do all the time and my TO DO list is never complete. Part of this is my fault but sometimes I just want it to stop so I can relax for a prolonged period.

[Virgo]

I can relate to the never ending to-do list. It's overwhelming! I sometimes grumble about 'doing it all by myself' in front of my daughters and then I feel like a terrible mom. Mom guilt.

[Needytoo]

JeanGenie I understand how you are feeling.  I was always the one that was calling other people to do this or that, very rarely did they ever call me.  I guess now I put a range on my friendship level from acquaintance to very good friend.  It has taken me awhile but I would say now I have four friends that I can talk to about anything and visa versa.  I honestly can't say that there was any friend from before that I could totally open up to.  Maybe you are a little like me, time to find new friends.  Big hug to you. 

 

Well this really guess doesn't run into the vent category but I don't know where else to put it.  Because of this big family meeting I spent a lot of time with my BIL and two SIL.  My SIL Angela (my huge pain in my side) has a son who is twenty and has severe social anxiety.  He just stays in his room for the last 5 years, he is now 20 years old.  I am worried he is going to commit suicide.  I  know this has been a huge stress on the family.  I know Angela and her husband Frank have almost divorced over this.  I am not sure how to say this nicely so I just have to come out and say it, Angela has been insane whenever I see her she stress me out.  This weekend Angela told us her son is transgender and she is also thinking she is gay as well.  Wow, didn't see that one coming.  And now my BIL Frank is texting me a lot.  I assume he is just so lonely and is just reaching out but yikes, seriously not sure it should be with me. 

 

I find right now I can't even talk about this with one of my friends since it is such a sensitive subject. 

[Virgo]

Needytoo-I hope their son is seeing a therapist so he can sort through these feelings and changes. That would be a difficult family situation.

[Baylee627]

I swear I'm going to erupt in a maelstrom of curse words and bird-flippin' the next time someone admonishes me to "get hopeful," "move forward," or has the temerity to breezily advise me, "it's gonna get better."

 

These lil gems are usually spouted off flippantly or texted from a family member or friend who happens to be about to snuggle up and watch a movie with her husband, or is about to start dinner for her family (fully respirating hubby included).

 

Me: "I bet if we switched lives for a week I know who'd be begging for her life back first!"

 

Them: stuttering, backtracking, "uh, uh, well, I, uh, uh."

 

Me: "damn straight!"

 

 

Baylee

 

 

 

 

[Virgo]

I would say, "You just don't understand, and I hope you never have to." Hugs Baylee!

[Needytoo]

Hugs to you Baylee. I just don't share any feelings with those kind of people.  I have no idea if this is the correct thing to do or not but I find I have to protect my heart.  Sorry for my ramble not sure if it made any sense at all. 

 

Third day of not sleeping.  Guess this stuff with my nephew has sent me for a spin. Far as I can see my nephew hasn't had any success with treatment.  Angela did say they tried some kind of treatment to change his attitude of being a transgender.  I have no idea what is involved in that.  I personally think my nephew needs to live away from his parents.  Learn to function as a human without having the helicopter annoying mother around.  I am not sure if there is places where he can do this.  Today my nephew is being seen by a specialist to see if he is a candidate for the surgery.  I just pray she suggests some kind of treatment for his severe anxiety and agoraphobia first.  Still receiving text messages from my brother in law, I understand being lonely in the mist of disaster but just not sure if I want to get involved.  What a mess. 

[JeanGenie]

NeedyToo, Thanks for your advise re: friendships.  There are the few who I've met "after" that I feel the closest with, where there's give and take, where it's not just a one-way street, where they actually seem to care about me and I can be myself...we can laugh together, can cry, and just "be".  You're right...I need to not expect the same from everyone and that there is a range.  Just something I never had to think about before when my LH was my best friend.

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with your family situation.  Like you really need to be pulled into that and that you are the one your BIL is reaching out to.  No wonder you're not sleeping and that just adds to the angst as well.

 

Baylee, I hear ya!  More of the DGIs.  Just want to slap them when they say stupid things like that.  I do think of all kinds of good, sarcastic come backs after the fact, just never in the moment!

[DonnaP]

Last night, while I was making dinner, SD made a comment that I found obnoxious. I was cooking a recipe called Pork with Spicy Noodles and Napa Cabbage. The whole reason I was making the recipe was to use the cabbage, which I got in my farmshare the week before. At any rate, she was assisting me for a moment, stirring the pork while it browned, and I was unstacking the dishwasher. Then, we added the cabbage and she continued to stir, then said: "it's a shame to ruin all this good meat with this green leafy stuff."

 

Now, granted, she was being sarcastic. But still, like in all humorous comments, there is a grain of truth to it, which is what makes it funny. So, she said it to be funny, not to be insulting. Still, I found it rude, since I had basically just put in all this effort to prepare dinner and THAT was the only comment she could offer?

 

I can't remember my exact reply, but it was obvious from my tone that I wasn't amused. Both she and her father tried to defend the comment by saying: "it was supposed to be funny." Well, ok, but not everyone perceives these things the same way.

 

Then, I tried to let it go by saying: "ok, I guess it was a little funny." At that point, she put down the spatula she was stirring the food with and pretty much stormed up to her room, where she stayed for the next few hours. I'm not sure why that last comment was the one that sent her off in a huff, but it was a tense night.

 

I did not speak to her this morning as she was still asleep when I left for work. Not sure what the best way to handle this is.

 

a) ignore it

b) try to politely tell her that her behavior was inappropriate

c) assume some of the blame by saying I could have reacted differently

 

Thoughts?????

 

Donna

[DonnaP]

JeansGenie,

 

I can totally relate to your friendship thread. Friends can be so fickle, can't they? I have friends who I literally never hear from unless I initiate the contact! It should be a mutual thing. I've started some new friendships as well. I just chalk it up to the fact that I am more of a natural organizer of things, whereas many (most?) people prefer to just sit on their asses and let other people make the plans. Sorry - I'm in a crappy mood today. But that's the way I feel sometimes.

 

Fortunately for me, I have three sisters and a wonderful sister-in-law (my brother's wife - NOT the psycho bitch who is Mick's sister and who has written us off because she can't deal with the loss and the fact that I didn't crawl into a hole to wither away). I can call my sisters or any of my eight nieces anytime I feel like doing something. I also maintain a friendship with someone I've known since high school. She is busy too, but WILL take the time to reach out and make sure we see each other at least once a year. I know that isn't all that often, but since we are both busy with our own lives, it's the best we can manage, and it's great when we DO get together.

 

CaptainsWife,

As far as the tiredness goes, just try to take good care of yourself. Be sure to eat right and try to get plenty of sleep. I know... easier said than done. I also can relate to the never-ending to-do list. Been there! Hang in there, kid! This too shall pass.

 

HUGS to everyone who needs to vent today!

Donna

[Virgo]

I finally work up the courage to schedule an appointment with the admissions office at Indiana Iniversity and they don't offer my desired major.  I guess I'll have to look at other colleges or change my major.

[JeanGenie]

I did not speak to her this morning as she was still asleep when I left for work. Not sure what the best way to handle this is.

 

a) ignore it

b) try to politely tell her that her behavior was inappropriate

c) assume some of the blame by saying I could have reacted differently

 

 

Hmm, Donna...Not sure.  I'd probably pick a) or c) and if I picked c) maybe b) could be worked into the conversation!  (How is that for a non-answer?)  I've been known to use the occasional sarcasm and there were years when it ran rampant in our house.  But I've learned that there is a breaking point where too much sarcasm crosses the line or you've pushed the person too far.  So I'm careful now (hopefully) to limit the amount of sarcasm because there does come a point when it's not funny anymore.  But I'm an adult and it took me a while to learn that (and am still learning).  So you were sensitive to her sarcasm and couldn't laugh it off (and it didn't help that husband thought you were being too uptight too) and I'm guessing even though you tried to respond in a way to laugh along, it probably wasn't received as you intended since your frustration was already shown by then.  Hopefully by the time you got home today, it has all blown over.

 

 

[hachi]

 

a) ignore it

b) try to politely tell her that her behavior was inappropriate

c) assume some of the blame by saying I could have reacted differently

 

Thoughts?????

 

My thought, for what it's worth...

 

Sometimes, it is more about how people make us feel. You know your underlying relationship better than everyone else. If she was truly just trying to be funny, then you over-reacted, because you were feeling unappreciated. Obviously your reply touched a nerve with her and she went storming off, so you both seem to know how to push each others buttons.

 

But if deep down, there was a little dig going on, then no, you didn't over react, and the fact that she went storming off meant that she got it. I wouldn't pursue it any further.

 

 

[Virgo]

Mostly outdoor cat peed on my living room area rug today! !! I'm going to buy special pet urine cleaner tomorrow. If it doesn't get the smell out I will be buying another area rug. Unnecessary aggravation! !

[Needytoo]

DonnaP I think I would go with a), my kids often have that tone in their voice that just pushes my buttons................well you know what I mean. 

 

Bad Kitty Virgo. 

 

Finally talked to some of my widow friends who know the whole story with my SIL.  They told me not to get involved.  Old me always went out of my way to help people but as many of us know it sure is a slap in the face when your the one that needs some support and there is no one that gives it back.  I know it sounds cruel but I just can't forgive family/friends who did nothing to help us.  I am just not comfortable coming out and saying "sorry your life sucks so bad but since you didn't show any sympathy or compassion to my sons and I, I will do the same to you".  Slept a little better last night. 

[ieh21]

Oh my lord, my mother drives me insane.

 

In February, I booked all my summer trips. One week in Maine, a weekend camping in Ontario. Both are with very good friends and specially the camping is very nice because it's an activity that DH would have loved for us to do and we go with a big group of friends who live far so we rarely see them.

 

Come July, my mom's family decides to organise a get-together. My mom knows the dates for the Maine trip so she informs her brother that I can't be there those dates, could he possibly organise it around my availabilities. He says yes, and they decide a date. She informs me of this and I announce that it unfortunately falls on the date of my camping trip. She flips and tells me I have too many restrictions and she's too embarrassed to talk to her brother because I'm being so inconsiderate.

 

I take matters into my own hands, email him and explain the situation. I also suggest could we do it earlier in August? Could we do it early September? Call me and we can talk about what's possible and what's not. Instead, he calls my mother. and tells her that it's really unfortunate, but seeing as my month of August is so booked, he's going to have to organise it on a day on which I am not available.

 

so I start to get emails about how I don't appreciate her (my) family, how family is here to stay but friends can be fleeting. How she can sort of understand that the Maine trip is not cancellable (we rented and paid for a house!) but really, the camping trip should be cancelled since who cares about that if it means giving up seeing my family. That clearly I have made my choice in the case of family vs friends and I am a disappointment in that respect and tough luck for me, but it's really sad that my children will not get this opportunity to see their extended family.

 

In the end, I call my uncle, we figure out a solution that works best for everyone, which is to say, I will drive from Maine to his place (not my preference, but sure), sleep there and drive home the next day. I announce this to my mom and let her know that she was wrong to jump to conclusions and infer so much about my feelings toward my family from this (very easily solvable) situation.

 

Her answer? "yes I jumped to conclusions, but it was all based on what I am observing". Jeez Louise, so facts and reality have no basis at all? TALKING to me and asking me had no place, we're just going to make assumptions and leave it at that?

 

My mom is a very generous, funny person, but man, when she gets in this irrational "you are in the wrong and nothing you can tell me will change my mind" mode, I can't stand her. And also, what is it about being an adult that doesn't seem to mean that uncles and aunts will call you directly, but still deal with you through your parents? I mean, she's not my keeper or my social secretary, deal with ME directly if you want to organise something with me! Is that just my family? And lastly, sure, her family drove two hours to come to my DH's funeral, but have mostly limited their support for the past five years to Facebook posts and a few emails. Versus my friends, including the far away ones, who are a lot more present in my life, have been a lot more helpful in this difficult time, over years even. I don't really expect more from my family, we aren't super close and I am very happy with our relationship. They are very important to me, a feeling I developed quite independently, since my mother herself never put much emphasis on them when I was growing up.

 

Thank you for the vent!