Virgo Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I think we need an official 'say it here/vent thread.' A place where we can curse, complain, whine, whatever. No judgements or fear of sounding annoying or ungratful to others. I'm upset with my dad. He is an alcoholic, but in his mind he's a social drinker. His drinking is starting to effect his relationship with me and my daughters. He's not a mean when he's drinking, but he gets sleepy. He also forgets conversations that they've had with him. I really don't want to limit his time with them, but I'm seriously considering it. I've already told my oldest daughter that they are not allowed to ride anywhere with him. No way! I'm the only one that tells him straight out that he has a problem. Everyone else enables him. Even my brother says it's his way of dealing with my mom's death. He might have increased his drinking since she died, but he has always been an alcoholic. Growing up my dad always had a beer in his hand. It's just one right after the other now. The selfish side of me feels that it's bullshit that I even have to worry about him. Like I don't have enough on my plate. This probably wasn't nice, but I asked him if he felt that my girls had already been through enough. I sure do! Losing their Memaw (my mom) and then their dad three months later. Did he want to be another loss that they had to deal with. He said they have been through enough, but he hasn't changed. He has cirrhosis, so it's just a matter of time. The only cure for severe cirrhosis is a liver transplant. If he stopped drinking he could slow the progression of the disease. I'm not sure if his is severe or not. It took a lot of prying just for him to admit to me that he had cirrhosis. I'm just so angry at him! So, that's my vent. You're turn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 I wanted to add that while my 16yo daughter was looking around my dad's garage (hoarders scene, lol) she said, "you know you're going to be the one eventually cleaning all of this up right?" How sad that she thinks that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhotoJunkie Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Big hugs!! Big big hugs!!! Im sorry he doesn't seem to understand what he is doing and how it affects hose around him. I don't even know where to start with my vent lets just say my first two weeks here in MO have been very interesting and enlightening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Virgo,I am so,sad to hear about your Dad and yes, you and the girls have had enough loss. My vent, I hate the realtor I am going through for the house I am buying. She doesn't respond to text, email or phone calls and is holding up the work, causing me stress! I hate that my confidence is destroyed by just a few comments about decisions I've made. I hate that I am in the position to make decisions alone. If DH was alive he would take care of inspections and the lawyer and I would take care of packing, unpacking and decorating. If he was alive I wouldn't be moving, we would stay here forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 PhotoJunkie- Overwhelming? Trying- My husband and I dealt with a realtor like that when we sold our first house. We ended up letting him go and choosing another realtor. Is that an option for you. I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this alone. ((hugs)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widowat33 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Edited. Too much info on an open forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 widowat33- It definitely sounds like you are being taken advantage of. The next time someone mentions helping you with a job let them know what would be a convenient time for you. Ask them how long they think the job will take. If they want a meal just suggest that they order in. Make sure you 'forget where your wallet is' when the food arrives. Stop allowing them to take advantage of you. That's not the type of help or support that you really need. Trust me, you'll figure out who your true friends are really quick. Don't allow family to take advantage of you either. Just say "no thanks, I've got it taken care of already" they next time they offer their 'help.' You can do this!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I agree with Virgo. That needs to stop ASAP. Not good at all. And nobody takes anything. Tell them you need to think about it and take your time. OMG some people can be such a'holes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widowat33 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Edited. Same reason as above. Thanks for the support, just worried that some people I know might find this.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 No you shouldn't! Honestly, with family being taken advantage of is something you shouldn't even have to worry about but it happens. Why can't everyone live by the golden rule "treat others as you want to be treated." Selfish people! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Can I just say - I am bloody exhausted, worn out. Between my full time job, my 4 year old (who isnt sleeping through the night right now + I am driving him to Boston literally every weekend to see my inlaws), my extra curricular activities (including my volunteer work) and trying to socialise (including dating) as well as trying to keep in shape is getting to be too much ! I just want to stay in bed for 3 days and do nothing.....and no one on the outside world has much sympathy.....including work people. I am also SICK of listening to married people tell me how busy their lives are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Great thread, thanks Virgo. So sorry to hear about your dad. I just want a day off from responsibilities. Exhausted from being exhausted. Major case of the eff-its, and tired of that too. Thanks for the non-judgemental space! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I just want someone to take care of me for a change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 More sympathy and understanding..yes! Day off from responsibilities..yes! Someone to take care of me..yes! I agree! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 I talked to my dad yesterday. He is a mess. I talked to my brother and he seems a little more concerned, but still feels that there's nothing we can do. He feels my dad has to want to make the changes. I agree, but I wish there was something I could do. My dad hasn't been maintaining his yard. I'm actually suprised he's maintaining his house. The grass was about knee high until his neighbors got tired of it and mowed the front yard for him. He thought that was funny. I guess another neighbor said they thought he might be ill or in the hospital. He thought that was funny too. My dad was telling me yesterday that he's actually considering getting new fencing and gate so a larger mower can get into his back yard. That way he can hire it done. I wouldn't have an issue with that if his reasoning wasn't so that he would have more time to go out and drink. All he talks about is going to bars and women. He's still 'got it.' A lot of what he shares with me is inappropriate, or to much information. I don't want to know all of that! Please dad, if you're considering a threesome don't tell me!! (That was during our conversation yesterday.) I just told him to protect himself. lol He didn't seem to think that was necessary 'at his age.' Wow. So, this is what I'm dealing with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swilson Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 No disrespect Virgo, your Dad sounds as though he is close to needing an intervention. Grass and weeds are bad enough but if he ends up with a nasty STD he will really have something to be depressed about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Virgo it must be so hard to see your Dad acting so unhealthy and irresponsible. Your brother is right that your Dad has to want to change but voicing your concern to him and setting some boundaries on his behavior around your family. And Dad, enough with the over sharing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 I spoke with my brother about taking my dad to an AA meeting, but he didn't think my dad would stay even if we managed to trick him into going. I have talked to my dad several times about his drinking. Even yesterday during our conversation I told him that instead of changing his fencing maybe he should just start making time for other things besides going out and drinking. I agree about the STDs too, but I can't really make him use protection. Something else my brother mentioned was that maybe my dad has lost the will to live. He just doesn't care anymore what happens to him because he misses our mom so much. I can understand that, but I know my dad wouldn't want to intentionally hurt everyone that cares about him. I just think that he alcohol has taken over. I wish that I could get other relatives to realize that instead of enabling him. When he goes out drinking he's usually with his siblings. When I talk to them I hear, "he's an adult and can make his own decisions." "He just misses your mom." "He needs the escape." I miss my mom. I miss my husband. I'm not an alcoholic. He NEEDS help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 Exhausted from being exhausted. Yep, this is me.... I just want someone to take care of me for a change. I wanted this too...But, now I'm scared of it. Virgo, my FIL (late husband) did the same thing when my MIL passed away, it lasted for 2 years. He finally came around again, it was his way of dealing with grief, I guess. I feel bad that he lost his wife and then 19 years later lost his son, my husband. My vent: I hate my life, I want a do-over... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nonesuch Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Not to steer anyone away from here, but this is an excellent forum specific to the problems of alcoholism: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/ Just saying. The membership is pretty good about supporting each other, enforcing boundaries, "attack the argument, not the person" type of stuff. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. My husband was much the same...after being fired was toying with the idea of being a self-employed handyman...which he could have done, sober. But he had no time management skills, or rather, no time management other than waiting for noontime when it would be okay to start drinking. My beef is with my boss. Boss #2 is a good soul, but he is cheap beyond belief. He's hired someone and paying him off the books to help him around the store. He thinks he's helping the person he hired, but that person doesn't reaaallly want help. Sketchy the employee has already used the POS system to credit his own pre-paid credit card, and Boss is keeping him on because he thinks he can get enough work out of this guy, (or have him pay Boss back out of his SSDI) to be made whole on the theft. Sketchy is a loud, abrasive, rude, know-it-all who was making 95K after he graduated from high school but at the age of 50 has still not paid back his student loans. : I've tried to tell Boss that for what he gives Sketchy, he could pay a competent, pleasant individual to come in two days a week, get all the effort and none of the attitude. My suggestions fall on deaf ears. Literally, because my other beef is that he doesn't wear his hearing aide. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 Thanks for sharing the link. I'll check it out. I'm starting to dread talking to my dad which is awful I know. Hopefully your boss will realize sketchy needs to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grammy Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 (((Hugs))) To All. This is really a great thread. I know I need to vent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaZ Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I've got two beefs at the moment: 1. I just got back from a vacation at the beach with my teens. I have better fitness and energy levels than they do, typical if we older gals take care of ourselves (and our kids are not atheletes). They wanted to do very little, yet certain activities are unsafe alone, or for a woman alone. (Surfing big wave conditions, snorkling off shore when rip may be present, etc). These kids are about to leave the nest. Remarriage seems highly unlikely. Am I to pass on the adventures in life because D died? I didn't! I am, thankfully, still healthy and alive! 2. I just want to scream a big "F--- You" to the know-it-all stay at home mom preaching that "at least she does not let someone else raise her kids" while some of us "choose" to work. WTF does she know? AzzHat! (Thanks, that felt gooood!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 1. MamaZ- Maybe a friend would be interested in joining you for some of those activities? If not I'm sure there are classes or groups that you can join. I'm on the other side of the sahm vs working mom wars. Lol! Basically, what works for one family might not work for another. Tell her to mind her own business. She's not raising your kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baylee627 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I just want to scream a big "F--- You" to the know-it-all stay at home mom preaching that "at least she does not let someone else raise her kids" while some of us "choose" to work. WTF does she know? AzzHat! Yup, eye roll. I'm not a parent, so I'm definitely of no repute on that subject, but I will say it gets super vexing to listen to the drivel and droning from both SAHM'S and working mothers. Both "sides" seem so imperious and touchy, and I find it plain catty and disrespectful. Why is it up for debate how you decide (or circumstances dictate) to raise your child? How about mommas just decide to each "keep their eyes on their own paper"! And would it kill them to be gracious and support each other? Anyway, my complaint: listening to the endless, vapid non-problems of those around me. Know your audience. If you're worried how your new poolside, outdoor kitchen and bathroom construction is going to coincide with yet another a Disney trip being planned...yeah, I'm probably not your girl. Baylee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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