Getting Carried Away Over Someone New

[Guaruj]

Catherine died nearly a year ago - July 4th, 2014. My life has faithfully followed a plan since then. My plan was to wear my wedding ring for year and day after her death. My plan was to get up early each day so that I can visit her grave before doing anything else. My plan was to wait for a year and a day before entertaining the idea dating again. My plan was to then meet some widows online and take them out to lunch before seriously dating someone.

 

My plan was not to find a new girlfriend in the same club where I met Catherine. And it certainly was not my plan to use the volunteer commitment I made in her memory to find dates.

 

But now I've met a Charming Girl who is "making me" bend my own rules left and right. I see her every week or so.  I spent a long time talking to her last week, and I had the feeling that we just naturally "clicked". She was so nice to me. I have not been able to stop thinking about her since then. That has left me less time to think about Catherine, which makes me feel guilty.

 

I'm torn between asking the Charming Girl out now and waiting until after July 4th. If I do ask her out now, it would be to ask her to have lunch with me in the middle of July. I'm busy the weekend after July 4th. I would feel disloyal to Catherine if I took any women out any sooner.

 

I think it's also too soon for me to get involved with someone. I still limit myself socially. I still have a hard time enjoying myself at parties. My judgement may not be as sound as it should be. I also could be completely misreading the Charming Girl's friendliness towards me.

 

Just the same, I expect to bump into her tomorrow, and I now intend to ask her to see me in July. Even though I like her a lot, I might actually feel relieved if she turns me down. I could then go back to my plan and not worry about dating someone too soon.

 

I'm not posting all of this to complain. I'm sure many people would be happy to have a "problem" like this.

 

Does anyone think I should wait another few weeks before asking her out?

 

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[Baylee627]

You know that saying about "best laid plans"? Because if any members' lives with their spouses had gone according to plan, none of us would be here.

 

Life is for the living. If you like this girl, I'd suggest not waiting to ask. Especially if the feeling is mutual on her end...I can't speak for Charming Girl, but most ladies I've known would prefer their admirer ask her out sooner rather than later.

 

Just my lil thoughts.

 

Good luck and report back!

 

Baylee

[Trying]

This is my opinion, and mine only so take it for what it's worth, we are all different.

 

I had my whole life planned out since I was a teenager.  College, career, marriage, suburban house, kids, grow old together, retire on a lake where the grand kids would spend precious time with us.

 

The plan went like clockwork until DH died.  Now we won't grow old together, I'm selling our dream home, my (future) grandchildren will never know him.

 

For the first time in my life I am no longer counting on plans.  I don't want to wait for "someday" to have a life.  I started dating early (6 months!), I'm giving up our dream home for something more manageable that can hold new dreams and memories, I'm considering a career change, I only go,to the cemetery when I want to.

 

Don't miss out on snippets of happiness because of a timeline you arbitrarily constructed.  If something feels right, try it.  If it ends up being a mistake then end it.  Most decisions are not permanent and you deserve to LIVE.  The decisions you made about your timeline were made when you were in a very different place. 

 

Who you are today was shaped in significant ways by Catherine's influence on you and your relationship with her.  So even if you are not directly thinking about her in a given moment, her influence is there and will shape your future relationships.  There is nothing disloyal about wanting to share that part of yourself  and in my situation to have a chance to be a better partner and to appreciate a partner more than I did at times with DH.

 

Whatever you decide and whatever her response, I wish you peace as you take these next big steps in your grief journey.

[anniegirl]

I had no rules or lists or anything. When I felt like dating again, I just dated.

 

But my husband planned to wait a full year. He had a list of what he wanted to accomplish in that year and of the type of person he was looking for when he did start dating again.

 

And then he met me.

 

He was four months out.

 

We will be married eight years this month.

 

Don't worry so much about what you planned and allow yourself to just feel what you feel and take a chance if that's what you feel like doing.

[biscuit]

I'm too fresh to really reply from my own experience.

 

But I would just assume that we've all kind of learned that life doesn't work according to plan and that the future is not guaranteed.

 

So I would say, ask her.  What do you have to loose?

[MissinGrizz]

I swore I wouldn't date until my kids were grown, and I'd never remarry. I am now married and blended.

 

You are not dishonoring your late wife. You are here and breathing and apparent feeling. That's a good thing. Ask her.

[Wheelerswife]

I know of your sincerity.  I was also someone who was a daily cemetery visitor.  At 6 months out, I made the connection with the man who would become my second husband.  I would still go to the cemetery and "talk to him" about what was happening to me.  It was all quite unexpected for me.

 

I hope you can feel like you can continue to honor her by living your life as it unfolds before you.  July 4th isn't far away.  You may find yourself feeling the grief as the day approaches.  It might be wise to wait to have your first date after the 4th.  If the connection is there and can progress, it can survive a short wait.

 

Best wishes to you, Mark!

 

Maureen

[Momtojandj]

Everyone gave such advice . I repeat what was said and life is short, life love and have no regrets . Good luck on what you decide .

[Mizpah]

There is nothing special or magical about 366 days.  It's quality, not quantity, and by this I mean the quality of your love for her and your missing her.  Seeing someone new doesn't mean you're done missing and loving her - you'll do that forever.  I firmly believe that everything that has to do with our DHs/DWs occurred BEFORE their death.  Yes, it's beautiful and important to pay tribute to them, but I don't think we do so by holding fast to rules and regulations, those imposed by others, society or even ourselves.  Maybe you gave yourself a clear path to help you survive.  Your DW loved you for who you were, and what is happening naturally in your life, it's good.  If you think you're not ready because you're still deeply grieving, that's one thing, but it seems more like you're worried about breaking a rule.  F it!  I wasn't ready until 15 months out - and even then I had to force myself to date, against my will.  I was truly ready around 2 years.  I met my current boyfriend and father of my daughter when he was less than a year out.  He wasn't ready but wanted to be, and he'd been seeing women before me - knowing him as I do now, I know this means NOTHING about his love for his late fiancee.  He loved her more than he will ever be able to love anyone, I believe.  I'm babbling.  We pay tribute to our DH/DW and their love for life by living ours, I believe that.   

 

(Also, I don't consider going on a lunch date getting carried away!  Be easy on yourself.)

[Jess]

I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiments expressed before me, but wanted to add my voice to it as well. I realized I had feelings for someone at three (!) months out. I gave myself permission to throw away any preconceived ideas about what I *should* be doing and go with what made me feel alive and good. Almost 8 months later, I can say with certainty that it was the best thing I could have done for myself. Yes, I grieve hard still. Just last night out of nowhere I had a sobfest, but I give myself permission to have those as well.

 

I think any light that shines our way needs a chance to be basked in. Your rules for yourself are just that, self imposed. Maybe you need a rule for yourself that says if something makes you feel happy, you need to give it a chance?

[gracelet]

OK, gonna be the bitch who says the opposite.  Sopmetimes it's too soon.  Sometimes the widowed heart just desperately wants SOMEBODY, a body, the kisses, the touch, the sex.  You tell yourself it's the real deal.  You get the dizzy, head over heels feelings etc.  Then you realise you haven't built those crucial foundations that you need to in the early grieving days - the foundations that allow you to eventually become comfortable with sitting in your grief, listening to the silence, and just being you as an individual, not as half of a couple where one person is dead.

 

I fell in love only a few months out.  I really did.  But she was the wrong person for me and I hadn't done the emotional grieving exercise that was necessary to be my whole self, and give myself fully to the relationship.  It's not fair on the other person to only have a small chunk of you, while a significant amount of your energy is still being spent actively grieving.  We'll all always be grieving, and our late spouses will always hold a place, but I believe there does come a point where your heart truly does open up.

 

Careful.  But all the best to you

[widowat33]

Again I agree with all posts made here..

I think what is important to remember is that everyone is different and what works for one person may or may not work for anyone else.

I like what Mizpah said about 366 days not being the magical number, as I am just about a year out I keep thinking well at one year I should be better, but it am slowly realizing it doesn't work that way. There is no magical day that will come and I will be done with this grieving thing, because honestly I will mourn the loss of him the rest of my life, but as time goes on it does get easier.

On one hand I want to say life can be short, as we have all learnt the hard way, and that you should be living it how you want. Yet on the other hand I do agree with Gracelet. We associate happiness too often with being in a relationship, or at least I used to. For awhile I thought that if I could just find someone else I would be happy again, I am glad that I never followed through on it. I needed to work on myself first, being happy and content on my own and it is still a work in progress. I strongly identified myself as being a wife and mom, now half of that is gone and I am working on who I am now. Because I am different than I used to be.

I know personally I am not ready to date, but again that is just me and everyone is different. I say go with your heart, do what feels right for you.

[Guest Mel4072]

I agree that we are all different. Nobody can really offer you advice that will work for everyone. But we can offer support. Immediately after my husband passed, I found myself looking at other men. I had never looked while married. About 5 months later, I was "dating" somebody long distance. Met him. It didn't work out. Dated another guy for about 7 months. It didn't work out. I tried to beat myself up for dating too soon, dating too many, dating period.... But in reality, those men helped me understand who I am and what I want. Priceless. I don't want just anybody. I want somebody special. I want somebody who really listens to me, doesn't judge me, can make me laugh, makes me feel special, treasures family and has a positive outlook, no matter what the circumstances are. I've been dating a man I met on Match for 5 months now. I am totally in love with him and he is with me. This too may not work out. That would be ok. I've treated him well and he's treated me well and my heart has opened up again.

When my husband passed, I was going to be the perfect, martyr widow. I was going to pine for him until the end of time. I had it all planned out; what I would do and who I would be. I was very hard on myself when I didn't follow those plans and became somebody I didn't expect to be. Life is funny. We can't control or plan everything. Grieve while you can and sit back and enjoy life when you can.

If you do ask her out and it doesn't work out, we are here for you!

[DansSoulmate]

I agree we are all different and, while we can learn from one another, it's really a highly personal choice in when, who and how you go about expanding your circle of friends (or more).  But, I'm a firm believer that every person who has come into my life since Dan's passing is there for a reason.  Personally I keep my eyes (and heart) open for those growth opportunities and believe something really good will come from it.  Best wishes to you in this difficult journey. 

[Guaruj]

Wow, I'm really flattered to see so many replies. It might help if I provide a little context here.

 

I agree that "a year and a day" is not a sacred concept, but it is a common custom that I have appropriated for myself. I'm a very analytic person, and once I make up my mind about something, I can become obsessive about it. And, yes, I am acknowledging that I am obsessive about my personal choices as a widower. I used the term "carried away" because I felt it was too soon for me to obsess over someone new.

 

I agree with Grace that it may be too soon for me to get into a deep relationship. I still like to limit my social activity. That's why I wanted to simply wanted take this girl to lunch. That's also why I didn't mind the possibility of being turned down.

 

While that Charming Girl is indeed Charming, she is a Girl in demeanor only. She and I are both in our 50's. That's too young to resign yourself to never marrying again. It's also too old to expect a special opportunity to simply drop into your lap, even when you notice that one just did drop into your lap.

 

As a result, I felt badly torn between doing two things that mattered a great deal to me. I'm feeling a little better about all that now, and I really appreciate all of your replies.

 

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[Guaruj]

I got an answer to my question last night in an unexpected way. I went to do my regular Wednesday volunteer activity and was ready to ask that Charming Girl to lunch.  I  brought a pen and paper so I could write down her phone number.  She didn't show up, but I was prepared for that. I had already composed an e-mail to her and sent it from my  cellphone. In the message, I said that I was sorry she couldn't make it, I said I'd like to call her, and I asked her for her phone number. I did not ask her to meet me for lunch; I would only do that in person or over the phone.

 

I then went about my business and had a great time. Some old friends showed up, as well as some other people I hadn't seen in a while.

 

When I got home, I saw that she had replied to my e-mail a couple of hours after I sent it. She said she had been busy.  She asked me if we could talk when I saw her next week.  She also said some other nice things. She did not include her phone number.

 

That told me all I needed to know. I waited a couple of hours and sent her a message to say that, of course, we could talk next week. She sent me a friendly reply early the next morning. That makes two messages from each of us, and everything was pleasant. I really don't want to think about this whole matter until next week, but of course I'm still human.

 

When next week comes, I plan to tell her that I would like to meet her for lunch some time, but that I'm tied up for the next two weeks - which is true. That's assuming  that we both see each other and I still feel like asking her that.

 

I do have some big commitments between now and mid-July. I'd rather not devote so much of my attention to any new girl, charming or not. I no longer wonder whether I was missing a  special opportunity.

 

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[lcoxwell]

Sometimes, life just steps in and answers questions for us. I am glad that you are not still left with that sense of maybe you are missing out on something. It seems like you did the right thing, sending her the email, and she must be at least a little interested, if she is writing back, so quickly. My advice is to do what feels comfortable and right, for you. If nothing else, you may make a great new friend. Worse case scenario, you have learned that you can take those first few steps of showing interest in someone new, and that can't be a bad thing, at all. Good luck to you!