For those in budding relationships ...

[Trying]

Needytoo I am so glad you have made lots of plans with friends, it's important to have a good circle of support and people to have fun with.  As far as holidays and special occasions I think it's a good idea to talk about it in advance when you are in a relationship.  When current DH and I were dating I let him know what I wanted or expected for days like Valentine's Day ahead of time,  I also asked what he expected or wanted.  We both agreed no gifts, a sweet card and dinner on a night convenient to both us.

 

I think waiting until too close to the day makes it very awkward and someone is probably left disappointed and hurt.  Your NG should be told that you were hurt by your husband's lack of attention to you on holidays so he can understand why you need some acknowledgement.  I know we often think that someone so close to us should just know what we need but that's not really fair.

 

I wish you a Happy Valentine's Day and I hope you enjoy your time with your friends, those relationships deserve special acknowledgement too!

[Needytoo]

I think in part it could be a financial thing with him.  I was footing the bill for way too many things before but I saw a switch in him right after Christmas.  He stepped up and things were more 50/50.  He is extremely open about his finances where I am not as open about mine.  We spend a lot of time together and then of all days to be told he is going out with the guys, does bother me, I can't lie about that.  The gift thing, is it important to me?? That is a very hard decision. I buy everything I need but I will be honest it would be nice to receive a gift.  DH  wasn't a big gift giver, 25 years of marriage and not once did he buy me jewelry. Even my wedding ring was his dead mother's.  Yep, having issues on this. Selfish issues I know.. 

 

You're right Trying I need to bring these things up in advance. 

[Trying]

Needytoo I don't think you are selfish at all.  Maybe you saw DH not giving you gifts as a symbol of him not really cherishing you and NG not making any mention of V day brings up those insecurities.  Makes perfect sense to me.  Give this guy a chance and explain to him where you are coming from and why.  He may then open up to you too and you might both have better insight on what the other needs.  You owe it to yourself to see how he responds to you being open and honest.

 

 

[klim]

Gift giving and getting has been a tricky one for me and my NG as well. Part of it is different upbringing He grew up in Holland. In Holland apparently Birthdays are big events, me not so much. Christmas has always involved gift giving for me and in Holland is much more downplayed, with and gifts being given on the 5th and not the 25th.

Finances also play a roll. He  will spend easlly and often spend more then I think he should. but then again I don't think it is my place to tell him how to spend his money( mind you I can't help myself half the time ) I won't speng nearly as much.

 

It was weird for Christmas he said he didn't know what to get me but wanted to get me something nice to wear for a holiday we were planning. So he took me shopping.....the cute thing is that is what my dad always did for my mom.

[Virgo]

Needy, I don't think you're being selfish either. One way for us to show someone affection, or that we're thinking of them, is gift giving. It's not the value of the gift, but the thought behind it. Maybe surprise him with small gestures and see if he reciprocate.

 

I think my little surprise for my NG tonight just proves how oblivious some guys can be sometimes. Poor guy was on a business call when I walked in. Then he couldn't figure out why I had not taken my coat off. It was a fun evening.  No gifts were exchanged, but he surprised me last night and I surprised him tonight

[Needytoo]

I do a lot of little gift giving, which is easy for me because I do pottery and I give away practically everything I make (can't keep it all). 

 

Well guess who wins the idiot girlfriend award?  Give you a hint, it is me.  Guess who was waiting for me at home after yoga? That would be NG.  No gifts but spending the night together was priceless. 

 

He didn't even realize it was Valentine's Day. 

 

Good work Virgo, you sneaky girl. 

[Virgo]

See...oblivious sometimes! I'm glad he realized that it was Valentine's day and spent the evening with you.

[Needytoo]

Valentine's Day has come and passed. I love this man, I really do. I have never had a relationship like this, ever!!

 

Let me back up and fill you in a bit more.  He does live with his Mother. His Mom was widowed a year ago and he lives with her because he promised his father he would take care of her.  My Mom passed away 25 years ago and DH mom passed long time ago.  It has been a very long time since I have had that "Mom" feeling. I am starting to really love this woman as well.  NG has said he can't just abandoned his Mom, his Mom has mentioned a few times she will be moving to a senior's apartment in a few years.  So living full time isn't going to happen for a few years.  I am getting use to this idea. My sons can  leave the nest and this will give me some solo time.  NG and I are wanting to spend more and more time together. I thought maybe our plans of moving in together is going to change till last night.  He now thinks it will be 4 years before we can move in together.  This news hit me hard. I told him I had to go, because I didn't want him to see me.  My brain is totally filled with thoughts and ideas and I don't know what to do. My brain is so overreacting that I don't think I can discuss this with him.  We suppose to go away this weekend, and I honestly not sure if I want to now. 

 

Advise please for the psycho widow. 

[Leadfeather]

Is there any reason you could not set up a household together with an private suite for his mom? My sister an her husband converted my mother's walkout basement into an apartment and live there with her. Two separate households divided only by an indoor stairwell.

[Needytoo]

It is possible. Love the woman but might have issues living with her, she is a bit of a control freak.

[fairlanegirl]

Needytoo you might find as time goes on that not living together becomes less of a 'thing'. We are so used to the go out with someone - move in - maybe marry pattern that we and others often assume that's the only way, when there are many ways to be committed to each other. BF and i don't live together as logistics and he has a dad at home he keeps an eye on, and over time my kids and I have got used to him being half the time at his, half at ours, and actually, it works well. Everyone gets their own space too. If anything I don't see us permanently under the same roof for five or more years, until children are older, and fine with that. I realize if you live far apart it would be harder.

[Needytoo]

You might be correct farlanegirl, that might be the way our life goes.  Funny thing is NG is the one that always brings up living together and then being hit with this 4 year thing put my brain into a crazy spin. 

 

This weekend we went away and after a few nights of not sleeping I had to bring it up.  I am not sure if anything has been solved but we decided to reevaluate in December.  He wants to get his divorce finalized etc. The next day he brought up he promised his father on his death bed that he would take care of his Mother and actually started to cry.  He is put in a hard spot and I made a few suggestions, like I am willing to help and maybe that one day we all live together.  I just don't think I want to be second in this relationship. I didn't always put DH first and he didn't put me first, and I know how wrong that is, I want to put NG first but I don't think he is there yet. I asked NG if he wanted more time alone and he said he definitely doesn't.  We are just at the 7th month so it is hard to predict what life is going to be like in a year and I am willing to go day by day.  Last night before I went home he brought up how he hates when we are apart, I hate it too but I told him maybe we just don't talk about living together for awhile.  You could see the pain in his eyes but I had to say it. 

 

Life is so much better with him in my life .

[tybec]

Needyone,

 

I hear you.  This is hard. I don't have the same situation, but NG and I talked living together/getting married a year ago.  And then I moved to his town for many reasons.  I have been here 7 months, and next weekend is 2 years for us.  And we are not moving in the same home as talked about last summer.  Things changed. 

 

 

So, for you.  Though your NG promised his father to take care of his mother, does that mean living under the same roof?  I took care of my mother, and we didn't live under the same roof. We tried briefly after LH died, and we both were too independent at the time. She required more care eventually, and moved in a personal care home. Do you think NG's father meant for the NG to put his life on hold indefinitely? But my mother also accepted and made changes for her needs without asking me to stop all and take care of her, either.  I may be stepping on toes, honoring your parents beliefs.  But I believe I honored my mother well.  So, you can care for others and not put all on hold. I realized my mother wanted me to find a new mate. She did not want me to be alone for years!  What a revelation for me! 

 

I am sorry for the conundrum you all are in. Nothing is as clear cut, now. I wish it was so easy. Some on here make it look easy, or make the leap of faith despite the challenges.  I admire them.....

[arneal]

Hi all -- it has been a while for sure since I popped in. Lots going on here but Needytoo -- I've read to catch up on what's happened and must say I would agree with so many others here that being together doesn't mean living together. I may have mentioned my mom before; she and her BF own their own homes that are about a half-hour from one another. She has a key to his, he has a key to hers. They come and go as they please for the most part (except he has a house alarm and Mom doesn't want a code for it so she only goes over if he is there). If they get annoyed at one another, they go to their own house  ;D However, they are each other's first emergency contact, they have access to one another's personal information, and so on. They are a committed couple for sure. Been that way for a while (both are in their 70s and set in ways).

 

You might let the conversation rest for a bit because a son caring for his mom is a serious emotional place; my uncle did it for my grandmom until he and his wife couldn't care for her anymore as her needs got greater. My granddad told him to take care of his mom and my uncle did so, almost to his own health detriment. It's hard to convince folks not to go to the extreme of letting go of their own lives, but it happens and there's nothing we on the outside can do except continue to be supportive and not let our loved one's choices stop us from living. {{{hugs}}}

[klim]

Needytoo, I am the one in my relationship that is rejecting the idea of living together and I think my BF is feeling much like you. For me it is not my mother but my 20 yr old depressed son that slows down my ability to think about this next step.

I must say it is actually the hardest part of our relationship because I know whar my bf wants but I also Know that sometimes I have to do what I have to do for  me and my son.

For example last weekend was a holiday weekend, and BF was looking forward to going away( not that we'd discussed plans...) anyways it was also reading week for my sons and they were coming home from university for the week. So to make it work for both I  ended up going away for the Sat  with BF and then I picked up my sons on Sunday. I work hard to balance this ....it hurts to know he is sad when I leave but I have to look after the other part of my life too. I have had times when I have told him that we have to break up because I can't give him the time he wants,  that he needs someone more available. He is  still with me so you can see I haven't been very persuasive.

Another point I should probably mention is that when he does take things  more in stride  ( eg no sad puppy eyes when I head off to go get my son) I feel actually happier and more connected with him.. When he pouts about my predicament it makes me feel he just doesn't get how hard this balancing act is  for me.

I bring this up so that hopefully you realize this probably isn't easy for your BF with his mother and all.

 

[Trying]

Klim I was like you in my relationship for a long time and it really was a struggle and a source of stress for me to feel like I was always letting someone down.  Whether it’s kids, elderly parents or other family commitments I think it’s more common than not to feel conflicted at this stage in our lives when in a new relationship.

[Virgo]

I'm debating ending things with my NG, taking a break, or is it just me? I like him a lot, but I feel like something is missing. We're seeing each other less when we should be seeing each other more. We normally see each other Tuesdays, so I'm almost hoping he doesn't call to get together tonight.

[Virgo]

We saw each other and I didn't really have to say anything. He addressed what I was feeling somewhat while we were together. I must be easy to read. I think it's just perspective. He said he feels like we see each other a lot during our conversation. We see each other Tuesdays and Saturdays. I'm going to keep trying to include him and making myself available on other days and see if he makes an effort too. I do think it's partly me, feeling guarded. We'll see.

 

I do like him a lot. Actually the first time we hugged tonight I started to tear up at the idea of walking away, so I know that's not the answer.

[arneal]

Virgo -- so sorry to hear you are thinking of ending things. You know, it is interesting how we think so differently about what 'a lot of time together' means. For some, spending a lot of time means some portion of every weekend. For others, it's every day. It is good to know what works for us and to figure out how to translate that to our signif's ... not easy always.

[Virgo]

I agree Arneal. I still wonder if it's me. It's hard for me to imagine giving myself completely to another man again, blending families. My LH and I were high school sweethearts and were together 22 years. He's the only man I've ever said I love you to.

[arneal]

That does make a difference, Virgo, when you have not had your heart held by more than one person ...

[Needytoo]

Hello everyone, thought I would drop in and fill you in.  So far things are going well, think I still need some more time to figure out this 4 year thing. You said it Tybec, does his promise mean living under the same roof? 

 

Kilm I think when and if we live together will have to be when my boys move out.  The thing is do I really want to stay in a 4 bedroom house alone?  Seriously doubt it, I will go back to my pre-relationship plans and sell it and buy a small condo. 

 

My heart goes out to you Virgo, I understand.  I also thought of dumping new guy as well, but in my case it does feel good to be together but I still have that doubt or feeling that something is just not quite right. 

 

Eight months ago I had my extreme doubts that I would ever find anyone again, guess I was wrong I did. As we all know life can be somewhat difficult (ha ha on that somewhat difficult comment), we are just maybe so much more aware. 

[Virgo]

Needytoo- I think until we're truly ready to be close with someone we will have some doubts. Maybe not with just them, but ourselves. I like how I feel with my guy too. I just need to stop over thinking and let things grow. I know I shouldn't compare, but it wasn't love at first sight with my LH. I had similar doubts with him. Love grows,  at least it does for me.

[arneal]

Hey all -- needytoo, I have a two bedroom house and after LH died I thought I wanted to have someone here right away. It became very easy to not have any other two-legged individuals in here My cousin has a five bedroom house and after being widowed and having her adult daughter (who was there with her husband and baby daughter) move out is quite content. You never know.

[Needytoo]

Time will tell Arneal.

 

Today is the day my husband passed and also the day my youngest son is finally grieving. Glad he is but hard to see. Broke down in tears in front of my class. All day NG said he was free all day, free until I called and then he was busy. Remember all those crazy widow feelings from the early days, they are back full force

Trying to keep all those crazy feelings in check.