canadiangirl

((BH2)) With you.

Thanks for sharing MIAB- I think this will be how I will be in 10 years as well. It is hard to feel like you are the living archive of someone else's life - it is a heavy responsibility, even if one I still cherish. I wish he had left more in writing or in video for our child, but he did not want to face things. I get the feeling of living in two worlds. I was just thinking this a.m. that it is like living at the place where the present and our world join with some kind of shadow world where he lives in the space where he used to be, if that makes sense. His absence still takes up space here- perhaps it will be different when I move from the house we shared.

Logging in just to say that this was a beautiful story, calimom, thank you for sharing. Your daughter sounds like an accomplished young woman. You are both lucky to have each other -I am glad your DH brought you together. I can totally get the feeling of wistfulness at commencement - it is just not right, that absence. ((calimom))

(((Skitwin))) I am so sorry to hear of your troubled heart. You are not alone in your feelings of guilt, although my DH did not die of addiction. I hope we can find peace someday.

Good plan, BH2! You will be in my thoughts on Saturday.

Done. So sorry to hear of your friend's terrible situation.

Glad for this update and to hear you are healing, SVS.

I do believe it and I have a friend who is a reiki healer who is also the real thing. Amazing - happy for you.

Trying, so sorry to hear about this terrible experience. For what it's worth, I too do not think you should give up your own happiness - hasn't loss taught us that life is short, that we must seize happiness when it comes? Despite the loss of his dad, because he is a teen, perhaps your son hasn't yet fully realized the import of this. I am totally biased because I am on my way now to an EMDR appt, but although we are both cancer widows, and did not lose our spouses to sudden death, I still wonder whether it is not trauma that is operating on (me) and perhaps your son, not "just" grief. As eldest he may have felt thrust in a situation where he felt responsible for you and the family (again, I do not feel this is the case, but sometimes these things operate at a different level). To feel a constant sense of failure or shame in letting people down would just compound the feelings of trauma and loss. This is heavy stuff. Here are some symptoms of traumatic stress: Physical: fatigue, exhaustion, sleep disturbances, hyper-arousal, appetite changes, digestive issues, headaches, nausea, muscles aches Emotional: fear and guilt, numbness, anxiety, depression, anger, helplessness, irritability, frustration Behavioral: withdrawal, outbursts, hyper alert, change in activity, suspiciousness, startle reaction increases, Cognitive: flashbacks, difficulty with problem solving, change in alertness, amnesia/confusion, decreased concentration, difficulty making decisions, memory disturbances. Maybe the therapist (so great you got him there!) could discuss trauma if s/he is not doing so already)? ((Trying)) You are a great mom.

I get this too. Watching Game of Thrones last year without him was lonely- he was the one who was into it more than me, although we read the books together (well he read them, I skipped through great swaths of the books to read only the stories of characters I liked). Cutting cable was okay that way (and for GOT fans, it sounds like the show jumped the shark with Sansa so just as well!). There is one really nerdy show that I introduced my DH to early on in our relationship and I was so pleasantly surprised when he loved it too. It made me love him more...and now I cannot watch the show without him. Not once in 18 months. TV watching was one of the few things we could do together at the end. It really makes you feel the absence, doesn't it.

Beautifully stated, Beyondlife. I get this 100%. Totally agree about the motives of others. ((ifonlyIcould)) Here's hoping another dream house will come along, and soon- it IS possible. And maybe the take-away from that loss is that you are really going to own the next big decision that comes along, which will give you something else you truly desire.

Just seeing this, Trying. Congratulations! I will be following your move with interest and as a source of inspiration. Great news. Best of luck.

I love this. I hacked down a dead tree with a rusty saw just for the eff of it this weekend. ((JustJen)) Keep going.

^^^ A 1000x this^^^ Thank you for this thread, TooSoon. It is making me cry, but I get it. I am still struggling with the fact that I will never find or be my old self again. I remember feeling such hope for my future when I first met my DH. I hope we all find peace in our new lives and quiet(er) minds at some point. Have a wonderful time in the UK.

((jlp)) You are a trooper - that is a lot to bear in one weekend. Love the wedding ring idea, beautiful. Agree with your subject line 100%!

All of these and more good things being wished for you, here, lcoxwell. Feel better soon!

Glad things are better, TooSoon. This place is littered with guano.

Mikeeh, thank you for writing such a beautiful and poignant post about your wife. My child has no memory of a healthy and happy father either...but I know what is being missed as well. My husband was a huge car and driving fanatic and I know it was especially gutting for him to know he would not live to teach his child to drive. Your post really touched me. Sending you my very best. I am sorry too.

This sounds amazing, Trying! I am so far from being in a position to move (but also must in the coming years as I have a "fixer-upper" that I cannot afford to fix) but you are an inspiration! Best of luck with whatever you decide.

iloveyoualways, thanks so much for reaching out. I am so sorry that daily life is such a struggle for you too. I too have aged so much the past years. Adds insult to injury- psychological pain, isolation and then physical deterioration which sometimes feels humiliating. I'm going to be working even harder to squeeze in the time to get some sunlight and exercise. Lunch hours are my target if I can get my routines down better... ((iloveyoualways)) Thanks TooSoon, I totally feel like a scary non-conformist. Sounds like we have similar school demographics. I will practice my eye-rolling. Thanks for the birthday wishes- birthday weeks are the best. ((TooSoon)) Hear hear! luvmy2babies, I just have given a blanket no to every volunteer thing at the school. I can't and make it known and to be honest, I don't feel a ton of guilt. The parents at our school are very engaged - I don't HAVE to be. ((luvmy2babies)) robunknown, I think it's kind of inevitable, this feeling of not being able to relate, because we ARE of the 5%. And to be honest, the friend I was describing is a caring and good person- it's just that people all around us want us to be fine and "normal", out of caring and/or because it's scary to believe someone could continue to suffer in our situations. Leads to avoidance, from them but also from me, because I have to pretend all the time and it's tiring. Best of luck. ((robunknown)) Yes, thanks for also getting it, ieh21. I HATE asking for help and favours, and hate the sense of obligation, even though I know others often sincerely want to help. I feel like a "taker" all the time, and just don't have the energy to give back (yet). Yes, I was tough on my friends when I talked about our parents dropping dead; it comes from the same place. It was in my face, I am not scared of the process myself, although I am so fearful of death itself causing more destruction in life as I am rebuilding. "I am a statistical anomaly" sounds like a great widow/er T-shirt logo. ((ieh21))

((katelsam)) Can only just agree- widowed parenting IS hard. We can't control a lot but we can try to avoid having regrets, and it sounds like you are doing that.

((JustJen)) Beautifully stated, I too can relate. Hoping for hope seems like a good starting point. This journey feels a bit Sisphyean at times.

Thanks so much for responding. It helps to know others sometimes feel the same way. Totally agree best not to compare for the sake of mental health! Having a weak moment. Widowhood can be so isolating, but what is interesting to me is I have to actively fight against the urge to become even more isolated by pushing people totally away. My kid needs friends, and this is often the biggest driver for me to remain socially connected. Otherwise, the desire to hermit is becoming pretty strong. ((Virgo)) ((kestrel)) ((Trying)) ((Lost35)) ((mo12))

(((BrokenHeart2))) I am so sorry to hear this news. This is one of my greatest fears. You will be in my thoughts!

ieh21, I have not been on for a while but wanted you to know that I get this, you describe my daily life. It's like the minutes of the days are dominoes constantly toppling having been set off by accident due to some fault of mine, and I cannot control the rest of the day once they start falling over. ((ieh21))