canadiangirl

Euf, this is profound, thank you. It depresses me a little because I think it IS true and those no longer in my life probably do not like me because of who I am, but it also has given me a little wisdom that makes it easier to let them go.

Carey, sending you virtual support. That is a hell of a lot you have on your plate -vent away. Also, for your follow-up results, if there is any chance an MD can give you a prescription for Xanax for the amount you took or something that will support you in your drug test, that might help to alleviate that worry. Keep going. Wishing you courage.

Tracy, I hear you. We have discussed classic cars before - my DH's dream car was an E-type. His last project was a vintage truck in pieces in our backyard and driveway. He spent 100s of hours on it when he was ill with cancer. It was so hard to not scrap it but find a great home for it. I finally did at 18 months out this year - a female restorer who will hopefully complete his work. I had to give it away, but I felt no sadness, just did a happy dance about the albatross. With you!

MissingSquish, what TwistedMensa said. I am so sorry for your estrangement; you don't need this on top of all the other loss. The silver lining here for me looking in as a stranger is that from your posts you clearly have such a strong character and outlook DESPITE your experience with your parents. DNA is not determinative!

((Wheelerswife)) 22 months. It feels like yesterday.

Beautiful boy. It IS heartbreaking.

Beautiful, thank you for sharing. I love these birthday reflections. I hope she knows and is proud, including of the dual citizenship! Take care Rob.

Not BAG but one of the lonely people. With you, TooSoon. ((TooSoon))

Thinking of you. Approaching two and it has been pretty much relentless.

Chiming in belatedly to send you my support and echo what the others are saying- compartmentalizing and some emotional detachment is normal and probably necessary for survival in terms of mental health right now. My child was at a similar age to yours. You have to create a sense of normalcy for her as well. I don't know if people quite realize the crazy toll it takes on a person to watch their partner die slowly, and suffer, whether via physical pain and/or the emotional heartache that the loved one must and does feel. It is so relentlessly intense, I think our brains find ways to distract us and it is useful. I took up a new hobby not too long before DH died; any chance I could get, I left the house for an hour or two, just to drive around, scream in the car, be. I felt guilty about leaving, especially because he could not get away from the situation, but I had to recharge my battery to keep going, and to be okay for my family. My DH's family, including his mother, did not come very often precisely because the intensity and the pain was too much; I am glad your in-laws are there, even if it is hard on them. Not showing up is the stuff regrets are made of. My social worker used to remind me that not all spouses stay until the end; some just cannot deal. You will likely feel the same way I do, proud that I was there, honoured to have been his person. Keep going, it sounds like you are doing amazingly well, you will get through this. It would mean a lot to me if you could please give him a hug or extra tenderness after reading this. I would dearly love to hold my husband's hand again and a moment of love by proxy would be divine at this point.

Totally get this, sending understanding. I miss sleep too. I'm an insomniac and before his diagnosis when things were good I had the best sleeps of my life. Solidarity.

Cancer widow here too...after a 4.5 year battle. You are welcome here and I am so sorry you are going through this. There are things I wish I had known about end-of-life care- PM me if you want me to give you ideas or a sense of practical things, when/if you are ready. I also recommend a great book called "A Caregiver's Guide: A Handbook About End-of-Life Care" (Canadian Hospice Palliative Care Association) - I was given it by hospice once they came in the picture but it was already too late by that point, things happened too quickly and I was not prepared. On the other hand, my husband would have been very freaked out if he had seen it around as he did not accept his impending death. If there are things you can learn on your own, it will help equip you. Take good care--I echo to cherish these moments. I wish I had done more of that.

Having the same issue here, I GET IT. It's haste, efficiency and weariness in general that makes me clean up after my small one - but at school pickup I can tell which is my family's backpack because it's the one that's open with the things strewn all over the hall.

Beautiful, BH2. I hope it brings you a measure of peace and unstuckness. You are so right about timelines.

cmf, I found what you wrote to be very powerful, and moving. If you decide to send the message, you should think about your reasons for doing so and what you would like to achieve. It is unlikely that the meeting topic will be changed; the meeting is likely to go on without you, right? I can see that discussing death is a fit topic for a place of worship, and maybe the conversation is meant to be about how faith or belief in the afterlife can make us feel less scared at the end...but I can also see that, depending on how it were framed, one might feel uncomfortable, as you do. You know from our vast collective experience, don't you, that your message about how terrifying the end of life really can be (and I was terrified with my DH too) might not be particularly welcome? Maybe you can share the message about how you would have liked to participate and it's not just scheduling, but given your experience you do not feel comfortable coming to the next meeting due to the topic, which in itself might be reframed to be more inclusive of those who have faced sudden loss or loss at a young age. You say you don't have solutions or ideas but I bet you do have positive ones - like for the next meeting why can't they talk about resilience or getting through great loss, or how faith is affected by tragedy or building the resources at the church to better support the bereaved and you have lots of ideas if anyone wants to listen... My two cents. I hope this helps. ((cmf))

Just wanted to send my virtual support and to say I hear you. I am a decade older, but I feel like I am in my 60s or 70s. In energy level, outlook, wellness... all of these things, I AM decades older. Just wish I was retired to go along with the feeling 60ish so I could rest a bit and properly mourn my husband. ((MrsTim85))

And more hugs from up here too.

Shawn Colvin covering Springsteen's Tougher than the Rest - another good grief anthem, especially for Sexy Widowed Saturday nights (opening lyrics)

Love this story! Sounds like he is looking out for you and the kids. Thanks for sharing.

Hi DarkRose, just wanted to say I am so sorry for the loss that brought you here. I did not experience sudden loss but although the end was expected, it was traumatizing as things did not go as one would wish for one's love. You are in shock, grieving, you might be feeling traumatized and it is normal to feel the way you are feeling. It is also mentally exhausting! They always say here take deep breaths, drink plenty of water -do this. Under the circumstances, seeking medical attention might be a strong first step. Thinking of you.

This brought tears to my eyes and hope to my heart. Thank you Lost35. What a beautiful story. He is still here.

This. Got me too. So amazing. Thank you catnip.

You definitely do not suck - you are a great mom, ieh21. We are on week 2 and my small one, same grade, has not had any homework.

That's not whining. Rooshy the amount on your plate is intense and it sounds like your job can be intense (but rewarding) as well. I am glad you have a place to vent- we are listening! And I absolutely get the reliance on after-school care/latchkey programs and the fear that it will be taken away. At my school the threat if you are late is that the program will contact Child Services. In the summer one of the camps had a policy that the kid risked being booted out of the camp if you were late. While I understand why these things are in place, the pressure and stress it can add on us single parents -no family in town here- is crazy. Not to mention the challenges that construction work poses to being on time in the first place. Take care Rooshy - I hope things go more smoothly for your son and family.

I wasn't expecting that as my elementary school-aged child grew older, more anxieties and worries would manifest themselves. I had this idea that as they age and become more mature, they become scared of fewer things, not more. Unfortunately the reverse has proven to be true and now my small one will not go in rooms with the lights out and is even scared of the dark, which is new. I explained that the one thing we have going for us, our one "competitive advantage" is surely that Dad's love is a force field. While in any case, the rooms in our house were put together with love, we have the ultimate protection. It's not working fully so far, but man, it's all I got. And I actually do believe that if he could look out for us, and especially for our small one, he would. Small one speaking out loud, in bed in the dark as we fall asleep: "I miss Dad." Me: "I do too. Dad was a very nice man." Small one: "I totally agree." This stuff is hard. Sharing because I am sure many have been here. What's worse is my small one is starting to forget. As TooSoon's students would say, I can't even...