canadiangirl

Totally agree that you embody resilience, SVS. That the amount you give to others illustrates that the goodness within you is boundless. You HELP people. You know just what to say. Many people do not have that gift. You feel stuck and immobilized. Me too. But your stuck means we get to be stuck with you here where you are doing a lot of good! That is something, in context even a BIG something. I hope things get better for you and your family soon.

Trying - just wanted to chime in to give you my support. I am so sorry to hear this. ((Trying))

My small one expressed the desire today to breakdance to "It Takes Two" by Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock. I have the day off tomorrow for a national holiday. Two little happies.

Listening to this song today as this band will be coming through my area soon, and they are from my favourite part of Canada. Song to aspire to (Fortunate Ones- The Bliss):

Starting this thread in honour of Just Jen. Today I showed my child a tiny snail on a rosebush. The shell amazed us with how complex it was. That snail is probably a garden pest but it was my one "little happy" today, and represents the pace of change/healing around here. And that's all I got. ((Just Jen))

No words of advice here on this side of the country either, just wanted to say thank you for this post. I'm 19 mos out but it's day one over and over again here as well. It is exhausting, and I can't seem to find my way out from under it. ((Lost35))

The sparkle in his eyes on his good days. His voice. His brain.

WifeLess previously shared this poem and I wanted to post it here so I could access it again -perhaps it will resonate with others whose partners/spouses are rarely mentioned now. This is an adaptation of a poem from "Saying Olin to Say Goodbye" by Donald Hackett. The version here is for widows, although it can be easily modified for widowers, partners, etc. The blank ___ should be filled in with one's husband's/wife's/partner's name. Thank you WifeLess! =================== Say ___ . The time of concern is over. No longer am I asked how I am doing. Never is the name of my husband mentioned to me. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. A life slips from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and comforting friends, sensitive and loving family. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent. But for me, the play will never end. The effects on me are timeless. Say ___ to me. On the stage of my life, he has been both lead and supporting actor. Do not tiptoe around the greatest event of my life. Love does not die. His name is written on my life. The sound of his voice replays within my mind. You feel he is dead. I feel he is of the dead and still lives. You say he was my husband, I say he is. Say ___ to me and say ___ again. It hurts to bury his memory in silence. What he was in flesh has now turned to ash. What he is in spirit, stirs within me always. He is of my past, but he is part of my present. He is my hope for the future. You say not to remind me. How little you understand I cannot forget. I would not if I could. I forgive you, because you cannot know. I strive to not judge you, for yesterday I was like you. I do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. I walk it not by choice. I would rather walk it with him in the flesh. I am what I have to be. What I have lost you cannot feel. What I have gained you cannot see. Say ___ , for he is alive in me. He and I will meet again, though in many ways we have never parted. He and his life play light songs on my mind, sunrises and sunsets on my dreams. He is real and he is shadow. He was and he is. He is my husband and I love him as I always did. Say ___ to me and say ___ again.

Hi jodiwitz, I am so sorry for your loss. You have come to the right place. This is a good network and people are going to offer you advice and views based on their own experience and perspectives. Personally, I don't think there is any good or "not so good" feedback/advice- things were different for all of us. They do say that in widowhood your address book changes, and that was the case for me and some others. I liked an article from the New York Times called "The Art of Presence" http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/21/opinion/brooks-the-art-of-presence.html?_r=0 because it describes how people sometimes react in the face of tragedy experienced by their friends. In my experience it was true that there were firefighters- people there in the crisis but who left shortly thereafter- and the builders, who were there for the duration, and who are still there as I rebuild my life. There are very few of the latter, but I try to cherish them and seek them out. I am terrible at asking for help but it may be necessary for you to do so, including with your pastor, when he returns from his I'm sure well-deserved vacation. Take this time to "turtle" and regroup. Keep going! Best of luck to you and your family.

((Nuggets)) Another cancer wid signing in to agree - eff cancer. So very sorry to hear about your SIL. Yours is a moving tribute to her.

SR, I cannot exactly know what you are going through but I have an idea. Without knowing the whole story, from an observer standpoint I can tell you that him installing an alarm is a BIG red flag for me. It does not say: "I want you back". It says "I want to control you." He hurt the one you love the most. He hurt you. I believe in second chances sometimes, but not when the person's lapse of judgement is so egregious in the first place that you can never have confidence in his/her judgement again. You would always walk on eggshells. You would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. You are awesome. You deserve the best. Keep going! And stay safe!

^^ . You do have this, SR. I am sorry your friends are not pulling through for you (and the comment about selfishness is just....ugh), although based on many of our wid experiences, not so surprised I guess. Wishing you energy and motivation to get you through these coming days. Also worried a bit about your safety from what you have shared, I do not love that he knows where you are, sounds volatile. Stay safe!

Huge respect for you from here as well, alexswife. Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

((injo)) Joining in to say I get it, and it sucks. I feel this strong need occasionally to say: He was real! He existed! He cared about life! Let's talk about him! and then I get sucked into another (normal) small talk conversation about something that doesn't really matter to me.

Great thread, thanks Virgo. So sorry to hear about your dad. I just want a day off from responsibilities. Exhausted from being exhausted. Major case of the eff-its, and tired of that too. Thanks for the non-judgemental space!

ManutesGirl, I kind of agree with what you said (not the creepy part) and modified my post noting the absence of a member. On the other hand, sometimes people want to know they are missed. They leave out of hurt feelings or pique after one bad exchange or just moving on and feel like no one would notice if they are gone. It IS noticed. I don't think it's creepy that it is observed, since former members can read all posts. I do think your point about respecting wishes is important....still.... The creators of the board and the admin spent a lot of time creating this board and ensuring YWBB members migrated because they are cared for and valued. I can give you the user names of 20 people who were active peers on YWBB who did not make the move for their private reasons and I noticed (perhaps I need to get a life but that's beside the point). They matter, they are missed. I prefer anonymity so we are not friends IRL so I will never interact with them again, despite having followed them and their stories for a year. I respect the decision and am glad they no longer need the supports; nonetheless it is a small loss on top of the big, especially when significant efforts were made so that no one was left behind. I think that is the point of the shout-out. We are a community. It is supposed to be a safe place, where people should be able to say what they wish, without causing harm to, or denigrating, others.

Beautiful writing, ATJ. Thank you for sharing- you are heard from here.

sorry to see these losses.

Thank you Ginger. ((Ginger))

TooSoon, thanks for posting this. Your situation sounds exactly like mine minus the LDR. You have received a lot of thoughtful responses, including TFO's above. From the little I know of your skillset, I wish you would go off and work for Sotheby's or dig up Roman Britain or live in France so I could live vicariously through you. I don't understand the resistance to England because I would love to live there but really, anywhere in western Europe would do. England could just be a stepping stone. You are going to shine at whatever you do, and M will thrive. ((TooSoon))

Right on, marjoe. Here too, CMF. We had 4 years after diagnosis but believe me, it was an extension of the torture described above. 2010 was the year they told us it was terminal. Not a good year. There's a scream living inside me as well. ((CMF))

Here's the link again, in case you didn't see it: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sheryl-sandberg/choosing-life-and-finding-meaning-30-days-after-daves-tragic-death_b_7503266.html?utm_hp_ref=healthy-living&ir=Healthy%20Living When I saw this news, I did think to myself that "Lean In" was going to get blown apart. This is a raw and honest piece.

Congratulations on your new home. Glad to see good news.

Right! Wishing you the best.

Sending you prayers and good thoughts for your safety and future happiness from here as well.