canadiangirl

Echoing a big FUCKEM to those people who did not come to your son's birthday. My child would be devastated too. Like you don't have enough to bear. ((twistedmensa)) Also ((JacklessSally)) such a tough day, hope you are okay.

MrsDan, this is where I want a "dislike" button - I am sorry your birthday and Halloween were not the best. SVS, glad it went okay, love the Batman story! For my part, every year a very kind lady on our street gives the kids homemade cookies. And every year they have been burnt on the bottom, hard as tack and inedible. My DH and I used to always smile about this. I just checked the bottom of this year's cookie - sure enough, burnt. I wish he was here.

I honestly, HONESTLY do not understand the logic behind "sorry we didn?t invite you before. we?ve been waiting until you?re social again? and how friends could possibly think that this might be what you and especially your child need. I still think this is DGI and I still think this is unconscious code for "we don't know how to deal with you/grief/loss and it's a downer so we are just not going to deal and to justify it we are going to make it about you". Sorry to be critical of your friends (and some of mine by extension), but I think this is human nature and not unique to your own situation. I cannot honestly say that prior to this, I would've behaved much better (although I would never have cut a widowed family out of the Halloween party-dom), because I just did not see and I was trying to run my own life. I too have had to initiate and initiate with friends, and work through my hurt at those who have left, and it comes at a significant ongoing cost because I want to retreat and cut myself off for many reasons, none of them pique. It's like apologizing when you are not the one to have initiated the argument! It feels unjust and humbling when life has already humbled you in a big way. But I have to have a community and a social network for my small one. We need friends so I have to find them. I feel incredible gratitude for the few builders (from NYTimes article "Art of Presence" below) that have stayed on for the duration - seriously, so much that sometimes I want to hold onto their knees and write paeans in their honour. I hope to be that friend for them someday too. Sorry for the hijack of your post. All this to say, I get it, fern. It's good that you are working through this and have perspective. I like your idea of a mass campaign- WifeLess's resources are great. http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/21/opinion/brooks-the-art-of-presence.html?_r=0

I say it again, you are an inspiration to me. Thanks for sharing this post- not a ramble, a taking stock.

Yeah, it'd be like writing an abridged version of Jane Eyre and leaving Mr. Rochester out. Every year-end performance review for the last 5 years I have been like a deer in headlights. Work-related achievements/results? Somehow I've been able to generate a good list but what I want to say is I survived another year, I am still standing, this is me performing beyond my wildest expectations. Keep going- write the heck out of that thing and good luck. It sounds like the 20-page narrative needs a secret subversive sub-title like "Winged Victory: A Lesson in Resilience for you MoFos".

I love what Mizpah wrote and it is perfect. Wishing you Birthday, from up here, too. Hope you got through the day okay. Many of us have been there. Your husband sounds like a fine, loving man.

I hope you made it through the day okay. I agree with Trying, sometimes out of the blue it hits you and seems impossible. Thinking of you.

Justin, hope today was even lighter. I get it.

Thanks -shared this on FB. I honestly rarely hear this and I don't know if I would respond so extremely as for me it is just part of DGI. But it certainly is a big peeve of mine. There was no reason, divine or otherwise, that my DH died so young and suffered so much and is not here with us, to be with his beloved child. I absolutely do not accept this, on any level. ((Wheelerswife))

fern, I get it. I was at my computer Sunday night trying to research ideas for the kid's birthday party which I haven't planned but is coming very very soon, and I got the head nods. I am just done on Sunday nights. No family in town but they come as often as they can. Few playdates, despite requests. I am back into trying to supervise playdates which is good for my child but bad for the housework which needs to get done on the weekends. My child says I never play. I am completely overwhelmed, but still doing it, one day at a time. None of it well and the list of house repairs is huge. All the things he would have taken care of are the things that are left on the list, for months or- now- years. Even organizing a contractor- too much work, too little time, too little money. Solidarity.

Argh, get out of there! I thought I lived in Stepford but I don't think anyone here would be so uncouth. Kudos to you for taking this stuff on...and then shrugging the insanity off.

Bones, sorry for the loss that got you here, but with respect to your post - I get it. Eff it!

Seriously. Game of Thrones has the whole "Winter is Coming". I have that ominous voice in my head now all the time. Winter is coming. Fuuuucck.

So sorry for your sadiversary. I can't watch most dramas any more -they have to be totally disconnected from reality, like GoT. And Gray's without Derek - just no. Thinking of you.

DebW, I could have written the same post, word for word. Yes, at almost 2 years out, people telling me to "make time for yourself" still makes me want to pull a Chewbacca, unless the person saying it is also inviting my child over for a playdate to make that space for me. I guess it's important to consider "time for yourself" in terms of small and manageable actions, like sitting in the backyard for a minute after the kids are in bed. "Me time" in soundbites! Part of what's stalling my progress is that because of full-time work, childcare and house/admin/financial responsibilities, it feels like there is never time to properly mourn - I think it's a key difference between losing your spouse later in life according to the more usual order of things, and what we are experiencing. Maybe others get this. Please keep sharing - we get it.

I do understand. When you feel that society demands that you say and pretend that you are fine - and you are assuredly not fine- it also makes you less inclined to engage in that society, hence the hermiting described in Quixote's other post. It is absolutely exhausting. I think grief also just plays on you and saps your energy, even when you are preoccupied with something else. I hope you get some real rest or a complete change of scenery that helps you recharge.

Virgo, belatedly checking in. Anniversaries are hard, I hope the day was okay. Have a great time away -I googled that resort and it sounds fun. I hope it is a nice change. Lots of that kind of post in my FB feed as well re: temporary solo parenting. Congratulations on your/our self control...

http://www.upworthy.com/15-hilarious-parenting-comics-that-are-almost-too-real #3 and #15. The only relevance to parenting through grief and loss is that my DH used to ALWAYS say #3 was the most dangerous! And it was true every time. I miss laughing at these things with a partner, hence the share here.

Sending you the virtual hugs and support you requested, CHM1988. I have no thoughts of dating or Chapter 2, but I have moved into someone else's life before and had someone else move into mine. Neither went well. I think being widowed has a big effect on identity - after all, the future you planned goes sideways and you have to reinvent it. There is also a reinvention (or at least rediscovery) of self. When that reinvention takes place in a context where you have parachuted into someone else's world, it seems almost inevitable that it would be complex and fraught with challenges. I applaud you for putting love first and even making this attempt at this time - it is valiant to me. I would make sure you keep your eye on the prize that you first saw -that love. Wishing you the best whatever you decide.

Hi Mark, I caught this on the weekend as well, and I think it is an amazing and important article, well-written. There are so many lessons in this article: about connection, about mental health, about love (I too think the core tragedy is the missed opportunity for love), and friendship. It was good at painting a picture for the uninitiated about all the steps and people involved when someone dies. It made me think about life and death, but in a more detached way. Thanks for posting and stimulating discussion on this. I too approached my housework with renewed vigour after reading it! Off to watch me some Mary Beard The Romans for the umpteenth time. TooSoon is right on the connection here.

I echo what Maureen said. Once again, so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find some comfort here. Take care.

Fuchsia, just seeing this now. I am so so sorry for your loss. Come back when you are ready. We get it. Hugs to you and your small one.

http://news.nationalpost.com/life/refute-of-happiness-how-our-obsession-with-positivity-is-making-us-miserable-and-insufferable This is a long article discussing a new book called "F- Feelings" which appears to be an anti-self help book of sorts yet still falls within the genre (haven't read it, and no time). Basically, the book and article in general argue that the North American focus on happiness above all else is making us "miserable and insufferable." The article references Barbara Ehrenreich's book "Bright-Sided" (2009) which is excellent reading and has influenced my thinking. The relevance here is that I find that the societal focus on positivity, thinking positive, "happiness" as a panacea makes it even harder for a widow/er to manage. I think it contributes to widow(er)s being seen as downers by default and treated (sometimes) as pariahs, outsiders. I think it puts more pressure on widow(er)s to conform and pretend that all is good and in turn I think this denial and suppression of natural grief and anger in turn can lead to depression and/or secret torment, a lack of connection to others that affects mental health. I see the utility of positive thinking but I have also seen it cause harm and guilt in my loved one, when people/books/articles implied he could positive-think his critical illness away. As the article suggests, I suspect that grief and anger can also play a positive role in our lives if they are given the space and seen as "normal", emotions to accept, adapt to and work with, instead of against. I would be very interested to know what others think about this -dissenting opinions welcome and expected- and I am curious to know whether those outside of the US and Canada feel this same societal pressure to be happy at all costs and at all times and the impact of this. (I am only curious, I am not writing a thesis on this or anything! )

Too right, TooSoon! There would be (understatement) family rifts here if that kind of stuff were said. Happily, this kind of thing is an anomaly. Mostly they just avoid mention of DH (sadly) and help me muddle through. So sorry MrC. Unsolicited "advice" is just so unwelcome, however well-meant.

Thanksgiving dinner (ours is earlier), my otherwise amazing mother: "Great- we just fit around the table. No room for one more. If (name of early teen granddaughter) ever gets married, we are going to have trouble!" Two things - first, we only fit because my DH is gone, and I don't think this is a positive development although it helps with seating. This has come up before. And, really, when he was alive, he was so thin and sick he didn't take up much space. Second, mom clearly agrees with me on an unconscious level that my future is one where I am on my own. She means well though. Still - ouch.