canadiangirl

Thank you, ATJ, this thread really made me think. I have to say I am with Mizpah and the grey zone on the good friends who have disappeared. I also reject the pressure to forgive, mostly because I feel it risks invalidating the legitimate emotions we feel at this additional loss. I think it's okay so long as anger is not the dominant emotion. Doesn't indifference foster surrender? I can see how sadness seeped in for you, totally get it. ((ATJ))

I am just home from a brunch with a couple of other moms (I have help this a.m. from out of town), and I am feeling down in a way I think many other young widowed parents may get. It is not a pretty emotion but I feel envious of my friends with spouses. I also feel some resentment, to be honest. I am just trying to get through each day still, 16 months out, and we're just not in the same places. Specifically, our elementary school teachers are in strike position and I mentioned how screwed I will be if the schools are closed due to the strike. It was indelicate of me because one of my friend's husbands is an elementary school teacher, but she turned to me and said we will all be in the same boat if a strike happens (and this looks likely). She meant it encouragingly but...actually we will not be affected the same way. Her husband will be off (although sometimes on the line and not paid). Her family is in town. Later in the same conversation, we spoke about holidays, and I was asked if I would have any time with my child, just one on one (my 10-day summer vacation this year will be with both my child and parents, which I am now hesitating about). Well, no, I have finite leave, so no, this is it. Third, part of what I am struggling with is the reliance I have on my parents when they are able to be in town, and how close with them my child is (I know I am lucky with this). I am worried something will happen to my parents and my child will be just devastated--another loss. The same friend said, put it out of your mind, they will have 5, 10 years, he will be older. In a conversation killer, I said well, I am not catastrophizing, unfortunately people drop dead- that is what I fear. You can tell I was not exactly a beacon of light today. We just have a different frame of reference from others. I wonder why life throws punches at many here while others coast. I honestly do often count my many blessings and generally I suck it up (although today not so well, obviously), but sometimes I struggle talking to other parents because of the envy I described and the downer I feel I represent. We can put a positive spin on things and pretend our challenges are the same as everyone else's but it isn't exactly authentic. We were making small talk about vacations when inside my head I am thinking about my dead husband, his estate, how I long for signs from him, and how the centrepiece of my vacation will be spreading his ashes. Some days like today I just want to walk away from all friends and shut myself off because it is exhausting being with people who do not understand. Yet these are good and caring friends. Anyone get it?

Although I am not a newbie, I am still struggling through the days, especially mornings. So yesterday on my way into work (late as usual), a lady smiled at me. So I looked down to make sure everything was okay and I made a mental note that I had accomplished one thing. I was wearing pants. Baby steps.

Going back to this thread, as today in preparation for (last-minute) taxes, was trying to recreate what my child did last summer while I was working. I have no idea. I have almost no recollection of what the schedule of summer camps and recreational activities was. Just blank. Makes this kind of tiresome admin work even worse! Total widow brain those first months...

Beautifully written, widowat33.

That sickens me about the "helpful neighbour". That is such a ghastly thing to do- I hope s/he is caught. Definitely a police matter, like you have the time and energy. You have my full admiration. You are doing what is best for her, never doubt it. She will have a social life. It is important. ((sphoc))

You receive amazing signs HvnBound. I was just reading about your signs, wondering, and reading about your consecutive numbers thinking that's not one that occurs here and I look down at my clock and it is 2:34. ((HvnBound))

Music, birds, butterflies, feathers, coins. The coincidences are too many, and I am a rational science person. People have amazing things occur - difficult to ignore. I like the little things. I am on widda.org, there is a mourning dove outside my window (the only one in my yard I have ever seen) and Amelia Curran's Love's Grave is playing on the radio. Right now.

Oh no SimiRed, you deserve more, we all do. Sending you courage and strength. I sincerely get it.

Hi PJ, I hope you give yourself permission to just go ahead and have a bad day. There is currently a real cultural issue in North America with "positive thinking" --people equate positive with morally correct/good and think that positive thinking cures all evils. I think that's why people are constantly under pressure to put on a happy face (that, and of course it is not super fun to be around someone who is sad, and sad widow(er)s in particular remind people of their mortality). It is the topic of an interesting book from 2009 by Barbara Ehrenreich called "Bright-Sided: How The Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America." I read the chapter on "Smile or Die: The Bright Side of Cancer" with interest - it talks of patients being so pressured into positive thinking that it becomes a form of victim blaming- like if a person was not hopeful or positive enough, s/he was going to succumb to cancer. That's how much crazy pressure there is to be "positive". At least in 2009, there was no science correlating positive thinking and cancer outcomes. I think it's a societal thing, and for me it is very exhausting, adding more pressure on the bereaved, when it probably is better for one's health to just wallow in it from time to time. I remember someone here commenting that s/he had noticed that those who really dove into their grief in the earlier months seemed to progress faster and there may be something to that, in my opinion. ((Photojunkie))

((Alexswife))

Hey merrylea, I just saw this article from February 2015 in the Guardian. I think it will resonate a bit on this topic. It speaks of people who believe that life is fair, which is not so far removed from "everything happens for a reason." http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/oliver-burkeman-column/2015/feb/03/believing-that-life-is-fair-might-make-you-a-terrible-person?CMP=fb_us&utm_content=bufferd7c01&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer

Ladies Home Journal 1954?

I haven't really gone through an "improving" phase, moncoeur, myself, but I am starting to tackle what I think is trauma, not grief. I have just signed up with a grief counsellor (social worker) who also works with victims of trauma and does EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). If you remember discussions from YWBB, EMDR is actually not voodoo or particularly alternative, but is based on emerging understanding in neuroscience. I haven't begun it yet but I will tell you if it helps out. I remember your story - perhaps it is trauma in particular and not "just" grief that is flattening you? ((moncoeur))

PJ, I also hope you can find a responsible college student, given your daughter's age. When I was in university, I was asked to stay for a week with a family of two teens- the parents were going away and the two teens were staying behind. The last time they had been left on their own they had a huge party with damage to the house. I was just there to keep the peace and curfews without being a complete millstone around the neck of the teens. They resented me being there but I was able to remain unobtrusive. And I got paid. I did also serve as designated driver and picked them up from a party; the deal was they could call at any time and I would not grumble but they must call. Maybe you can find a really good female role model who your daughter will like- she could be part of the interview, help you vet people, set it up -and perhaps then your sister will see there are also other good eggs out there (can't believe she has gone from wanting 5 days a week to none!). The key if it's a college student would be making enforcement of certain rules incumbent on the college student in a contract of some sort -otherwise there may be temptation in that age group to be more flexible than maybe you would like.

I hate this as well. I have a hate on for my friends with kids who are just not helping out by inviting my kid for playdates or the occasional outing (and yes, I did ask for this help and yes I do reciprocate by having them over and yes like all of us I recognize that they have their own lives and preoccupations). The last few months have been really hard and I could use the support. I HATE having to ask again and again and troll for playdate invites. It also requires a level of organization that I am sadly lacking. See ref to exhaustion above.

Hey Radio Hell Voice of America, tuning in from Radio Hell North. Good to hear you.

Thanks for this post, robunknown. It resonated. Thankfully, just now I don't have anyone in my real day to day life that has cancer, although I gave moral support to a friend whose mother was dying recently. But what I have been doing that I am proud of is supporting the cancer centre in the city I live in by giving them feedback about the crappier parts of our experience. It actually has made a difference; they started a new program based on a complaint that I made to the president and CEO of the hospital. That program has in a small way positively affected the experience of other cancer patients. I feel like this is a way I can honour my husband and makes me feel closer to him; I would feel the same way helping actual patients, I think, although it would be tougher. Kudos to you. ieh21, me too, I met a widow who was truly lonely, probably two years out. She never responded to my message with the ywbb site info, never thanked me, and may or may not have checked it out. It's awkward because we see each other occasionally at work and she is really strange about it. We can only try to help, I guess. Put me off totally telling other widows in real life, though.

Joining in belatedly to send you virtual hugs from a distance. It is so surreal. ((MrsTim85))

((PJ)) Sorry I took my post down. On reflection this a.m. it felt like a hijack and I was worried it might seem patronizing, when what I wanted to do was to validate your feelings on this and also your concerns. If you saw it, you know my take on this. It is truly too much to ask of you to lose your husband and then lose the last chance to be a family with your daughter as she enters adulthood. Your needs and rights matter too. I hope other family members or the counsellor put pressure on your sister - who has her OWN, intact family- to do the right thing. Your daughter should not be maneuvered into making decisions. In my view, she should not be part of the next family counselling session- or your sister shouldn't. You and your daughter are the family here. If your sister is consulting/deciding on "custody"-like scenarios with your daughter before you, and without your input, your daughter risks becoming an emotional pawn and from here, without the whole story and not knowing you all personally, it feels totally inappropriate. I am sorry to sound like I am disrespecting your sister (part of why I took my original post down). I just...feel for you on this so much.

Belatedly chiming in to wish you congratulations on the new job! If it makes you feel better, I basically "fell into" my grad degree, my career and my husband's arms. I liked Trying's explanation - maybe the feeling of a lack of agency is due to the fact that it was meant to be and your brain, of which I have heard we all use only 20%, is directing you with the other 80% because it has done a thorough cost-benefit and knows some additional stuff your conscious mind does not... Nerdy response. Best of luck.

((PJ)) I wish you the very best in navigating such a fraught situation.

My parents. I know I am lucky in this, and I feel gratitude every day for them, and their support. They are still together (high school sweethearts), so they don't know what I am feeling, and sometimes I get frustrated, but they still have been amazing, doing the best they can. Just wish they lived somewhere close by.

I hear you MTK, I was questioned by Canadian customs on returning from a trip to the U.S. but not by U.S. customs on my way out. I am going to have to carry DH's death certificate with me on every trip until our child is no longer a minor. They also asked for my marriage certificate. Just one. more. thing. although if I recall correctly even when he was alive when travelling separately out of the country with our child I had to have a signed letter from DH, as we all do.

Thank you Kevin Z, for saving and sharing. And to Joe, wherever he is. Sadly, I am sure many of us can relate.