canadiangirl

Thanks smabify for raising this. I have been struck by this subtle assumption as well. I too have zero interest in (or time for) dating, recoupling etc. I met my DH fairly late in life and dated quite a bit before it. I miss my DH and it is gutting to not be able to share one's pleasure and trials in one's kids with the one person who would really care, but I am okay being alone. I got to know myself as a single adult person and I will get to know this new person as well. It can be lonely inside a relationship too. I would not want to make any compromises at this point with respect to decisions about my child, and I positively would resent anyone else disciplining my child. It absolutely is overwhelming to do everything alone and be responsible for everything. But if I can't have him, this is what I choose now, and probably for a very long time if not for good. So...we too are doing ok. ((smabify))

This one is a bit triggering perhaps, but it is a powerful message from neurosurgeon Paul Kalinithi who died on March 9th at the age of 37 to his daughter Cady. The first paragraph is a little bit of context, but it is the last paragraph that really moved me. The full text of the article is at the link at the end. "Yet one thing cannot be robbed of her futurity: my daughter, Cady. I hope I?ll live long enough that she has some memory of me. Words have a longevity I do not. I had thought I could leave her a series of letters -- but what would they really say? I don?t know what this girl will be like when she is 15; I don?t even know if she?ll take to the nickname we?ve given her. There is perhaps only one thing to say to this infant, who is all future, overlapping briefly with me, whose life, barring the improbable, is all but past. That message is simple: When you come to one of the many moments in life when you must give an account of yourself, provide a ledger of what you have been, and done, and meant to the world, do not, I pray, discount that you filled a dying man?s days with a sated joy, a joy unknown to me in all my prior years, a joy that does not hunger for more and more, but rests, satisfied. In this time, right now, that is an enormous thing." http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/20/paul-kalanithi-dying-neurosurgeons-exquisite-message-to-daughter_n_6905234.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

Not just you! Still looking for it! I keep trying to put pantry items in the fridge and fridge items in the pantry. It keeps things interesting, if not "fresh".

(((wheelerswife))) Thinking of you tonight.

Totally agree with this insight too. And I was absolutely joking- should've added an emoticon. No offence taken. And I probably won't change my avatar- it's a stone carving atop one of the entrances of St. Paul's Cathedral rebuilt after the Great Fire, with the words RESURGAM underneath it. I think the RESURGAM part is still apt.

I missed something too. You are a voice for good! I love your posts and perspective! I hope you decide to stay but if you decide to go, THANK YOU so much in helping with transition. ((anniegirl))

Loved your post MrsDan - think the way you articulated the difference between widows out to make a difference (yet still have a meaningful business, which I don't begrudge them) vs those out to propagate a narrative as part of their branding is spot on. But damn, I am going to have to find another avatar.

((((TooSoon)))) This, this, for us too, as with much of what you wrote:

Thank you, Bluebird, for a lovely analogy and elegy to the YWBB. What you and others wrote here really resonated with me. Wheelerswife, I am glad that you wrote to Aunt Lydia founderLauren, and I am sure whatever she responded with was not going to cut it, because as anniegirl says, she has been consistent. I am sorry it did not help you, but it helps me to know you represented the views of many former members. Thank you for that. I feel a sense of shame for the YWBB founders, to have created something so amazing (and I AM grateful) only to let so many people down who relied on it so much at a low point in their lives. As Trying says, the fundraising explanation makes zero sense in the absence of a fundraising drive. They were just done, or they are caught up in an audit or legal issue. Whatever. They tainted their YWBB legacy by first inaction and then this final act. And I think that's a key part of why it bugs me still - in a small (tiny) way I became part of something that meant something and it was made less great by something totally out of my control, that was done in a cold way in complete contravention to what the site was trying to achieve. NOW, I am proud to be on this ship with the people who decided to come along for the ride and lend their support to me and others. It is already a better place, which is important when many of us still stand in an emotional landscape that looks something like a ruined city in a war zone. We are once again part of something that means something. Like sugarbell, I 100% trust that the people in charge of widda.org, who are not being paid, and who for this reason and others more personal will obviously not be able to do this forever themselves, will not leave this new ship untethered when they decide to go.

I am so efficient this way!

Sending you big hugs, lcoxwell. I am sorry you did not have the chance to save more.

13 years of writing by thousands of people about heartbreak and loss, poof! As previously mentioned, I would be so ticked if I tried to find YWBB after a long hiatus to find everything I shared just gone. I expect that if the odd angry YWBB alumnus finds his/her way here the admin and mods here will have to make sure it is clear that widda.org had nothing to do with the decision-making by the YWBB founders and that we had no access to the userlist and therefore no way of notifying people except via PMs. So poorly done by YWBB admin on that front, I don't care what the reasons were.

So glad for this new site. Thanks admin and mods.

IT'S OVER. I was mid-message. The site is down. So sad to see all that history lost. So many I was not able to contact this week. Hopefully they will find us!

((Kamcho)) (Wheelerswife)) Actually, they did continue to do interventions at my DH's request so I don't feel that there was the financial cost-benefit in his case. I guess I am a bit critical of the current movement towards non-intervention and acceptance because I am worried it will LEAD to more financial cost benefit with this kind of argument as a (seemingly humane) justification, when as you say the disease is unique to the individual and treatment should be patient-centred. Quite a number of the recent voices in favour of acceptance and non-intervention are doctors. That fact has pros and cons when it comes to weighing their arguments, not least of all the quality of care they are able to obtain and some socio-economic realities. I had to do a lot of advocacy for DH but ultimately there were many good people in oncology whom we worked with. If I develop cancer, I would put lots of faith in them too. I am grateful that people choose oncology as their specialty - the world needs oncologists. I would also try to do what Kamcho is doing and be critical and read up, because sadly there are so many patients, I do not know if they always have the time to keep on top of what is available even in their own hospitals. Doctors are human beings with outside lives too. I do think they are doing their best but they do make mistakes. I truly believe that if my DH had had a combination of a "new" kind of radiation after his first round of chemo he would have had more of a fighting chance. But his supervising (chemo) oncologist was shockingly unaware of the capabilities of that new form of radiation which was being administered in his own hospital. I am not convinced he exhausted every option for a clinical or experimental trial. I wanted to get a second opinion but my DH trusted this person and was adamantly opposed. Who knows what I would have the energy for, if I develop cancer. My energy levels are so low and this is just exhaustion and loss, not dealing with cancer on top of that (I believe). You both have my utter, profound respect and compassion. I mean it when I say I think of you often. These are hard questions. Sending more hugs.

Our oncology team was never about giving hope where there was none, and in DH's case there was none for 3 of the 4.5 years he had. Different things make me call BS. For example, the thought that if you DON'T do more treatment, you will necessarily live longer and in more comfort. The idea that people can choose against treatment and go off to do their bucket lists in the quality time they have left. It doesn't always work that way. For one thing, in my DH's case there was the pain. He HAD to have palliative radiation treatments to treat multiple hot spots. Those treatments may have accelerated his mets, but they helped him continue to walk, for example. The other is the assumption that the quality of life is much higher without treatment than with. In my DH's case, a third round of ultimately useless chemo MAY have shortened his life by accelerating the mets to his organs (maybe, we don't know) but it gave him hope, it made him feel like he was doing something, and his quality of life was already not high. With respect to a bucket list, he/we could not travel outside Canada because he had no insurance and no right to it in case something catastrophic happened and we could not afford the medical bills if something did. I am quite concerned about the current movement in cancer circles towards "acceptance" and choosing against intervention because I feel it risks giving leverage to calculations of financial cost-benefit for hospital administrators vs. giving patients a medical chance, however slight. I wish I could say I trusted the medical profession (and apologies to those in it here) in these calculations but although we had an overall "good" experience, I can't say they always had his interests as a priority and I spent a lot of my time advocating for his rights. The calculations of a patient who has lived a more "normal" life span vs. someone who is still young may be totally different, and I don't want the non-intervention dialogue to drown out what may be the wishes of the latter. ((Kamcho)) I hope this gives a different perspective. I think of you often.

Sending you hugs, SVS. Hope you can get through the next few days okay.

Wonderful, thanks ATJ.

I've sent tybec1 a message on YWBB. There are quite a number of recently active members missing. :'(

400 members! That feels like an accomplishment, or should. Kudos to Jezzy and MissingMarsha and Lewis and all the moderators. Congratulations! Editing to add: I posted this and then reflected that 400 widows and widowers is 400 too many. Already so much heartbreak and loss represented by that number. On the other hand, this is a good safe place for those 400, and if it is being used as a resource and safe haven, I stand by the celebratory note.

((Baylee)) That is such a terrifying ordeal. Thinking of you and Brooks. It sounds like you were an awesome advocate for your love. And that Ken Doll is on my FOH Friday list and will be for sometime.

Same here, I think there is a myth that one gets to say goodbye, per se, in a Randy Pausch Last Lecture sort of way. It really depends on whether the person dying accepts that fact. It is not always obvious when the actual end is near, and the person cannot always speak at that point. What it has taught me is to say "I love you" at most partings and as often as the spirit moves me and that was not something "done" in my family.

Great idea. I donated, but am willing to help pay for domain costs if necessary. Widowedyoung is available too. A bunch that were available when we were on proboards are no longer available- hope you grabbed them. THANK YOU, Lewis.

Love these letters, thank you for sharing. So poignant and indicative of the love you clearly bore for them.

ATJ, I love your posts. I am glad you decided to come and keep sharing your thoughts and wisdom.