Julester3

I wore black and gray to the visitation/wake and the funeral. I went back to my normal clothes because they are just more comfortable for me and I own quite a bit of gray and dark brown clothing as it is so I wear it with regular frequency anyways.

I am feeling for you today as I just made it to our 1 year mark today and I'm mentally reliving the events in my head. For the wake and funeral, I got through by sheer determination, trying to be solid for my girls, and by drawing whatever strength I could from every hug I got. I hugged everyone who came to me those 2 days and it helped me feel the good intentions and strength from the people who gave them to me freely. It was all I was asking for really. It is hard to move on, to want to move on, but you learn how to function and somehow you figure and accept that it will keep you distracted and busy as you continue to process. Real life and responsibility are cruel to us widows/widowers because they force us to return to existing. Hugs for you and your kids today.

Yeah, it's hardest when you are at home and alone. It can still catch me if I don't keep myself occupied somehow. Hugs today!

Thanks. Getting it all out late last night made me feel much better this morning. It's like my very smart brain having me do the things my heart needs so it can keep going and beat stronger in the long run.

I knew this week was going to suck. I have felt the anxiety build day after day as we approach our completion of our first year journey of firsts without Josh. The last few days have been giving me snatches of anger, regret, sadness and a little bit of bittersweet memory. Then the way if's kick in...because I like to torture myself that way... I am angry I lived a busy life and that my husband let me volunteer and run around to my heart's content. I am naturally a busy person and I am at my best when I am involved. If I didn't volunteer so much, I'd have had more time with him these last few days. Would I have done so knowing he was going to die? I don't really know. I regret I didn't make him stay home that night. Why did I let him go to tennis? He was sick right before Easter and nearly 2 weeks later was finally feeling better. He loved tennis and hadn't been since before spring break. He was itching to go and if work was stressing him out, it would surely make him feel better. Would it have prevented his heart attack? Maybe just from happening that day but it makes me wonder when would then the other shoe drop and then when would it have happened instead? I have often felt that in life, you simply can't avoid the inevitable. Sadness? Well, he's not here. I am succeeding at keeping me and the girls running and appearing okay. We all miss him and we've been feeling this slump easily for the last couple weeks. I miss him terribly and it hurts that I have to do everything without him really being here. I can always convince myself he's spiritually here but it's weak at best. Bittersweet memory? Well, I did get a last bit of intimacy the day before he died because he missed me terribly after I was running around and wasn't home for the last 5 days. I went to the state PTA convention and then a fast trip to Salt Lake City for my niece's wedding. My husband was always affectionate and after the kids were gone to school, he made sure to linger and purposely saunter into work late that day. I know I was lucky woman and my Josh took a lot of risks to make sure I never strayed too far from his reach. We went to middle school together and high school. We grew up in the same town. We didn't always have the same schedule but he always made sure that he had at least one class or would join a co-curricular activity I was in. In college, when I activated my student email account, want to guess who emailed me first? It wasn't even a week into college and we were at different universities. He always knew we'd be together before I even had a clue. I do have great stories to share with my kids and we had such a long history. The girls were close to him and I am glad they have strong memories of him, good memories. I am grateful that I was able to experience so much with him and I know we had so much but I can't help but be selfish and want more than what I already have, is it wrong? So today was my niece's first wedding anniversary...tomorrow is the day I came home...the day after was a seemingly ordinary day and the 7th, what started as another ordinary day, ended with the most alarming call a person could get at 9:45 pm - someone used the emergency mode to his cellphone and called me to come to the tennis club right away. I can recall exactly the feel of my heart pounding in terror all over again. I knew it was over when the police and the paramedics stopped me at the door of the club and would not let me see him. The very next time I would actually see my husband would be dead in the emergency room of the hospital. I had to call his parents, I called my siblings, I called his best friend, and I had to call one of his co-workers to inform his boss. I did not feel comfortable calling his number directly from my husband's cellphone. As a person who has already buried her parents and grandparents, I knew what had to be done. I stood up to my MIL and told her it was my show. Everything would be done the way the girls and I needed it to be done and I did it. I have are lady decided that we are taking the day off. No work. No school. We'll stretch it through the weekend if need be. We don't know what we'll do exactly but I think we'll be getting out for the day and not coming back until the pets need dinner. We just need to get through the day and complete this horrible first year.

You have a lot going on. Please just take some time out for yourself and simply breathe. You have a right to be angry at so many things and it's a natural response as you try to make sense of it all. We are here to listen and support however you need it. Hugs for you today.

I can totally understand the bedroom thing. I can't even contemplate. I think it's smart to go to a neutral like zone, honestly.

Watching Food Network and crocheting yet another project! Kids are playing Mindcraft and the pets are snoring. At least we enjoyed the warm and sunny day earlier today.

I have to say this is one of the main reasons I don't want to date - I don't really know how as an adult. I knew my DH throughout HS and we dated in college until we got engaged and got married. I listen to my divorced friends talk through about the dating scene (they are also in their 40's as I am) and it kills any remote interest or curiosity I may have had.

First of all you are 48 years young - I don't consider that old. We are in the prime of our lives (I'm also in my 40's) and we shouldn't be experiencing this theoretically but ironically enough here we are, dealt with less than ideal hands in the game of life. I am also not a dude but anyways I know the numbness as well. I'm 1 week away from surviving the first year without my husband. I have the numbness and it's my current companion. We were soulmates and I too feel like only half of myself. I know I am the same person but I know I don't feel like that person I used to be when he was alive or know if I can ever be that exact person again. Yes, the kids can help with the moving forward bit but it's just one component to all of this. My hobbies and interests though have kept me sane. They were a part of me before I was officially with my husband and so I keep my hands busy and I find a sense of contentment in them when I complete a project. I craft mostly (scrapbook, sew, crochet, etc.) and I collect dolls. They divert me when I have downtime. My kids are teens but they have their own activities and such so I am finding more time to myself sadly. They do understand I need these outlets myself as my own self prescribed therapy of sorts so if I choose to go out and do something for the day, they entertain and take care of themselves. I am lucky in that respect.

I had to think about it. I go to work earlier so I am get home earlier. I cut my hair so I get ready faster in the morning. I added dog cleaning service to my yard service, I pay all the bills online, I menu plan even better and make lunches ahead of time so you grab and go. I schedule cleaning and chores so the kids can help make it easier and we can work together. Also I make sure we aren't overtaxing ourselves so it's not like we're working ourselves exhausted all the time. We keep the house pretty neat and pick up before bed. I have the kids pick out their clothes the night before and their bags are packed for school so the mornings are efficient. When I have days off, I too pack as much in as I can so I can avoid taking days off or altering my schedule drastically.

It is hard. We all must take this journey but we all take different routes. I first used my kids to give me strength and motivate me. I feel a need to become the rock for them. Their dad was our rock and I was always the mortar that kept us together. I have to keep my kids up so I had to shift and become the rock. For me I had to make sacrifices and change some priorities in order to do so. I also had to work on reminding myself why I had to do this. It's hard to go from a partnership to single parenting when you had no experience in it. I have good days and bad days. We go to monthly groups and I share and vent as I need to and get feedback. It helps. Then I looked to myself and tried to find the good qualities of myself and bring them forward. I use a lot of distraction and I keep as busy as I can without wearing myself ragged. Hugs for you today. You just need to find your route.

If you still have his laundry, take 2 shirts and put them in a ziplock bag. It'll preserve his smell. If you are like me and experience that need for a little bit of him, that familiar smell can help...

I'm suffering from skin deprivation - really bad. I need touch and foreplay. Le sigh!

So sorry you are joining us here. Hugs to your and your children. You are in the right place - many of us know what you are going through. It'll be hard to process and things will blur the next few days but take care of you because you are not going to want to and you need to keep the kids in check too. You will all be shocked for awhile. Stay hydrated, eat, sleep as best as you can, accept help, don't be afraid to ask for help, don't let anyone bully you and you don't have to make all decisions right this moment. We all draw our strengths from different places - you will find yours when the time comes. Again some hugs to help fortify you in the days to come.

I get along with my FIL and step-MIL very well. They have always been very flexible and honest. They give me space and we talk and text back and forth quite regularly. I would do anything for them. My MIL on the other hand has been difficult. Very Jewish mother, narcissistic attitude where I am not good enough and I do not do enough. I started dating my husband while we were in college and she asked me to lunch so she could ask me to dump him and leave him alone so he can join a Jewish frat and meet a Jewish girl. Suffice to say he immediately derushed and wanted to be with me. She's been great with backhanded comments or lack of praise for me. When she sees us, it always starts with the intent to guilt me because she doesn't see the girls enough. They are teenagers and they are busy. I refuse to alter their schedules to pander to her and she pouts. I won't give in. My kids are the center of my universe not her. My husband was my buffer and now he's gone. I set boundaries and she needs to meet them. Sounds harsh but we don't have a great relationship. She assures everyone we are like mother and daughter but she is nothing like my mother was. I don't like her games so I don't subscribe. She sends relatives to me to try to sway me to her cause. She stole my Facebook pictures and gave me no credit for the pictures. This from a retired lady and her son was her only child. I de-friended her and her entire side of the family on FB. I don't want to be a pawn and I don't want her spying on me through FB. I would be very reluctant to do stuff for them. I've done things in the past for them because Josh asked me too and it never felt as though they appreciated or even really liked me much. The cousins don't even refer to me as family. I am friend to the family. So depending on your relationship, that would be your guide on what kind of relationship to set with your inlaws. I have kids so I do try and be fair but if MIL is trying to manipulate me, I don't play. The boundaries are set and I stay consistent.

I do talk to my husband still in my own way. Sadly, I know how he'd answer me because we were that in sync. Sometimes, I used to just ask him things so he'd say his silly typical responses out loud just so I could hear them. Nowadays I mostly talk to him in my head or within my journal and I always reveal the answer I know what he would have said. I think he acknowledges me in different ways. Lights flicker when there is no reason for them to. When I listen to the radio or Pandora, I've noticed particular older songs being played just so I would catch it.

You are a widow in every sense of the word and definition except in sense of the law. You feel and experience everything as we do and you, like all of us, have lost someone you loved dearly. Sorry you have to deal with someone who has to be a stick in the mud, stickler and happens to be your own mom. You have every right to mourn in your own way. Hugs for you today.

The day for us started out dreadful. We went to brunch, bought flowers, and went to the cemetery to visit. It was a cloudy, rainy day and it didn't help our mood. Later in the evening, we too celebrated the day just as we would have if he were still with us. I invited his friends over and we had a game night. In the past, I would hang out with them, watch the guys play, participate in conversation, and replenish snacks/drinks but I never played the games with them so I played this time around. We got catered food and instead of cake, because the girls and I would have traditionally made it, we did ice cream sundaes. It was comforting to hear the laughter and conversation. It was like he was there with us. The day ended out so much better than it started.

Just a few months beyond you but I think this stage is hard because my theory is that we really start starving from skin deprivation - missing them and their physical connection and touch and the processing through our psyche - the brain finally accepting the reality and that we are really not in a parallel universe. We stick to our weekly routines. I make myself go out with friends I am comfortable with. My kids and I go and do things so we have little days where we are not occupied. I try not to sit at home and hermit myself in. I'm trying my best to power through it and keep busy. I have to admit the time right before bed is still hard and sadly, not getting enough sleep at this point but at least I am getting 6 hours.

Vent away. Life for us will always have ups and down. Hugs for you today.

I took my rings off within a few months. The paperwork I had to fill out everywhere got to me and I didn't feel married anymore because I had to keep saying I was widowed or single with children. So I put my rings away in my jewelry box. I now wear a multi-banded ring on my middle finger of my left hand. I am not contemplating dating at this time. I'm about 11 months out, almost a year.

We did talk about dying and stuff only ever once when we were deciding about life insurance when the girls were little still. I told him I wouldn't mind if he looked for someone if I were to die first. Josh needed taking care of and I couldn't imagine him alone. It broke my heart. When he asked me what I would do if he died first, I told him without hesitation that I only believed God made one person for us and it was him. I know he didn't want me to be alone either but I struggle because of what I believe in. So if I am ever brave to try, I know he'd be okay with it. I have to come to terms with myself.

Exactly - there is no wrong or right, just what works for you. Our end of the year of firsts is also coming up and I am letting my kids stay home from school that day and I do not plan to go to work. We simply need to do something diverting. It's too hard to ignore the day so I am going to try distraction to help us get through it. My kids are much older (teenagers). At our grief group, many with really young kids sort of let the day pass by. I think the issue is more present with older kids who have some recall and memory. We can't ignore their feelings or what they remember so we have to try to convert the negative to positive. In our group, some people do the balloons, some people launch paper boats at a local pond, some people plant something in their garden.

That is just nuts. You definitely cannot make this stuff up! Sorry that you have to experience this!