Julester3

I feel exactly the same way. I feel like I am doing all the work. I initiate the conversations, I suggest things to do and places to go, and I seem to make the plans. Most of the time they don't even show up! It's far from effortless. It's taking too much of my limited energy and I too am frustrated. This dating experiment has put me in a "guys my age suck" mindset. I have one last guy to give a fair shake leftover from the online site I already left but he is begging for a meet. My heart is no longer in it and I just don't care anymore frankly. Then I'm taking a break from this dating thing - for a good long time.

You do belong here with the rest of us - I sometimes feel we are the real island of misfit toys. There is no wrong or right. There are days we will feel fine and days where we can't even contemplate the day at all. I still refuse to make any long term plans for myself. We do what we can to move from moment to moment and move onward. Point is we are but it doesn't matter how quickly or slowly - time is in arbitrary here in our own life space. There are days where nothing will make sense and days we will have such acute clarity. Hugs for you today - you may think you've exhausted your resources but you haven't.

That new one from Green Day is uplifting, "Still Breathing."

Wow, I too am surprised at their reaction. What century are we living in? Their idea that you need to stoicly be alone for the rest of your days is antiquated. Now that you planted the bug in their heads, let's see if they grow up any. Hugs to you. I think most of us would hope our siblings would have our backs.

I got a response like that when the guy didn't like what I was wearing. Sucks that you had a fickle guy. I'm not having any luck but then again I closed my online account! Lol! Duh!

A simple gracious, "Thank you but I'm okay. I keep busy but I will let you know if I need help." I did it to a lot of people to get them to back off. It worked. When I bump into them, they say that I can always ask them for anything if I need to. I just say, "Thanks, I know." Simple and honest is best.

A divorced mom friend suggested speed dating as well. I need to look into it. I'm much less annoyed today, after all it is a new day. I was also on POF. I deleted my upgraded account last night though I paid for 2 months. I chalk it up as a learned lesson. I know my self value and I know what love looks like and what makes a good relationship. Them trying to convince me that sex is nothing and needs to be given on a first date shows me they know absolutely nothing. I am an educated woman and I need stimulation. They are crass and can't seduce me with their cheap talk. Just crudely telling me how they like sex has no impact on me. Their loss is my ability to maintain my self respect. I have moral and values even though I accept I am a sensual person with needs. I had sensed there is very little there.

My 7th stand up, but why am I bothering counting anymore? What is with men 40-50? I quit on free sites. I am considering going in with a paid matchmaker service. Too many games, no simple common courtesy, very crass men out there. I think this is a sign that I'm not meant to have anyone else.

I did therapy monthly and came here to help me work on myself. I focused mainly on my kids and their needs. I taught them open dialogue and encouraged them to share what was on their minds and to talk about their dad whenever they wanted to. I work full time so I fill the day so much with work, kids, household errands, etc that when it's time to settle down I'm exhausted already so I can sleep. When I have open time, I crochet or scrapbook. I just have to keep occupied all the time. The loneliness and anger hits when I am too idle. My coping strategy is to be busy. My circle of friends is small but I don't like being a burden and I need to learn to be self reliant now. It sucks but I feel we are making it through well.

That is crazy. The lady was rude but still! Crazy!

Definitely try to consult a lawyer and if you have the closing papers on your home, bring them. I had issues with my home because it was just under my husband's name (he made a lot of money and had great credit) however I signed a document when we closed that stated simply that I was his wife and I was thus part owner in the house. That document alone was what enabled me to get it transferred to me once they investigated and into my name without looking into my credit or how little I made compared to my husband. Good luck to you. I have had good dealings with WellsFargo when we used them in the past. I hope you can get a positive resolution.

I think nothing replaces good old fashioned talking person to person but however LH and I developed a text/chat culture. He was often on call in meetings and was a consultant so it'd be easier when he'd drop short texts when he had something on his mind and he couldn't call me directly. I do a lot of documentation work so I am on a computer a lot so it was just handy. I'm finding I'm meeting both types of men - those who text and those who do not text much. It's definitely something to figure out with new people.

That is awesome!

A set amount of tickets should be allotted per student to use as they see fit. That's what we have. The only way to get more is to see if someone else you know doesn't use all of their tickets. It's a shame they are so darned specific. I'd bring it up.

Hugs Maureen!

It's funny you mention you are not comfortable. I wouldn't be either. There is comfort knowing you can go to your car and escape if things get weird or don't work. My solution was to install the Uber app on my phone so that I do have an escape plan. Dating is going to make you try things we may not be keen on, I think. Texting and talking with a new round of guys. Still have the married guy talking to me. I just flirt with him. I think he needs an ego boost from what he can't get from his wife. So it's platonic because I keep him that way.

He increased his age to get past my age filter. He's spent the last 24 hours promising me he will do anything to please me. Omg man up and take my refusal with some dignity!

About 2 weeks into online dating. I have come to the conclusion that people see widow and think I must want hot sex. Some guys have been okay but majority wants some sort of sexual favor or sexy photos. Really? I just got asked by a 28 yo who said he'd be my boy toy and I can use him till I find someone better??? This is crazy stuff I can't make up. Found a decent guy and found out he was still legally married? Ugh! Also got stood up a few times and a guy refused to go out with me cause I wasn't dressed in a way that turned him on.

I am glad things are looking positive for you. You are absolutely correct. You have to keep looking for the silver lining in things and find the little bits of happiness it can bring. I feel it really helps and they can add up in a day. For example, I am happy for hot coffee, a yummy snack, the sun shining, a warm day, having a good hair day, getting my chores done...any little thing that can give you a tiny smile is like a small dose of positive medicine.

Sounds like you are still processing. I think the trick is to remind yourself that you cannot essentially change anything that occurred. You need to absolve yourself of any guilt because you didn't have control over the things he decided to do. As for your identity crisis - you need to find yourself and decide what will work for you. Do you have to completely decide? No! You can work on it and make it a work in progress. There is no wrong or right way. For myself, I had to look for the version of me that was completely independent from my husband, who could survive fine without having him every day to myself and re-aquaint myself to that version of me and then put my modern, wiser spin on it. I've found contentment and I am comfortable with it. It may come to you randomly or you might have to work on it. Sometimes it's defining who you are now and who you'd like to be on a day to day basis - I'm a mom, a scientist, and a crafter in that order. I can be sarcastic, glib but I am honest and I will be as optimistic as I can be. I will help people but within the capacity that I can sustain. Etc. I think you get the idea...hope it gives you something to think about. Hugs for you today...

For a will, check your local laws. Some places just need witnesses to make it legal. Some places need a notary to certify it. I did not do a will but I set up an estate trust for my children so they can inherit all our various assets and take less of a hit on taxes and such. I have added instructions for disbursements of some personal items. We had investments and I added the life insurance to our investment portfolio because the kids are getting SSI benefits. I think it's a good idea also to make sure you appoint an executor of your will, someone who can take custody of the kids if they are still minors, and appoint someone to be your health power of attorney to make your health decisions if you are impaired.

I came here looking to see if everything I was experiencing was common or just me. I needed to know I was not crazy or unreasonable and I found validation here. I needed to share my feelings and when I found things that worked for me and my girls, I felt compelled to share so that I can pay it forward and continue to help others as others had at first helped me. I hate thinking that others are alone and isolated and desolate. I would hug each and every one who needed one, whenever they needed one. Though I lost my husband, I know my large heart has still so much love to give and I choose to use what energy I have left in my exhausting day with my fellow wids, a club we never wanted to be a part of and we all are.

All girls are different. My 17 yo is still a pain in the ass and I was hoping she'd mellow out. My 13 yo is not sassy but she fights with her sister enough. The bickering is exhausting. I think it's testing the new boundaries at 15 - drivers ed and high school is heavily influencing sadly.

Within the month. All the paperwork was getting to me and I had to write either single with children or widowed with children. As much as I loved my husband, I felt I was advertising something that I no longer was - a wife. The law said I wasn't so I switched to my anniversary band for a bit and then just got an entirely different ring altogether that I wear on my middle finger. It's a simple silver ring with entwined 7 small bands - represents the 7 things I was to my husband: his friend, his girlfriend, his lover, his fiancée, his wife, the mother of his children and his soulmate. It's symbolic and it reminds me why I was important and am still important.

First things first, a hug because we widows don't get them much anymore and they help. I am so sorry you have joined us here. My husband had a heart attack, asymptomatic, last year. You can't treat heart problems if the person had no symptoms to observe. He went to tennis after work and died at his club. What sucks in our situations is we had no freaking control. It's not what either you or your husband would have wanted but happened anyway. You will feel sadness, anger, regret and not only will your mourn your loss of the physical man but those dreams and plans you had will have to be figured out all over again. Processing takes time so take your time and do it as what feels organic to you. I recommend counseling when you are ready to talk. This place was great just reading and processing stories and situations at first. It helped me get over a lot. Take help whenever offered; people want to help so give them the opportunity and tell them what you need. Don't forget to take care of yourself - you need to think that your husband would want you to at least try to live for his sake since his life was taken. I used my kids to motivate me. However you can get through the day is okay. I also use distraction. I make myself so busy that I can push the sadness to the background. Time will slowly help but that is different for everyone. There is no magic time frame. So another hug and please let us know how you are doing. Vent if you need to. Share and we will listen. Julie