Julester3

Just want to give you a hug today. ITA there is no prize for keeping it together. There are fine days and crappy days.

I'm just seeing if this is something to pursue. I have never online dated before because I never had to.

Oh my gosh...this is terrible! I cannot imagine what you are going through. Hugs and prayers...

So 24 hours live on a dating site - 60 requests? Crazy! Over 15 text messages on the site. A few intriguing ones but when I was up front that I want to take it slow and start platonic didn't go well...

The only thing that I liked was facebook's willingness to change their bereavement policy. It's abhorrent across the board. In my HR manual, I only get 3 days and I was supposed to go back? No, I took 3 weeks. My world was rocked. Until you've walked our shoes, you don't know how it feels and for that I hope policies improve someday just like hopefully maternity leaves will hopefully get better someday. Other countries have much better policies in these matters than here in the US. We are a workaholic country. I haven't read any of her books yet but from the sounds of your reviews, it seems it's nothing ground breaking.

Joined a website just to see if it's something to pursue and within 10 minutes, over 10, meet me's? Uh, still trying to figure this stuff out!

She was fortunate that you were there and you are a great neighbor. It sucks to be the one to know what needs to be done and what's going to go on. I am glad you thought to mention the DNR. It would have been stressful for them to work on him to try to revive him considering his state. I can imagine the triggers you've experienced since this happened. Hugs to you.

Sitting here watching random TV and there is a segment on that Facebook COO who's husband died and how it affected her. Sheryl Sandberg. Look it up when it goes live...

I recall this happening to me. I've just reached a year myself. I identify this phase as active processing because you are still continually processing and trying to comprehend the situation mentally. I often found my heart and brain confusing one another. In my head, I understood what was happening. The heart attack happened and he didn't make it. But, my heart wouldn't sync with my head because you don't stop loving your spouse when they die. The physical connection you had to them is what is severed so we're sort of lost - connected to something that no longer exists. We depend greatly on what coping skills work but then you sort of hit a wall at some point. Acceptance is so hard. I didn't want to accept my husband was dead and never ever coming back. I'd wake up confused many times. Was it a dream? I got a tattoo to help me move forward to remind myself of him and what my reality truly is. The mind can play tricks on you when you get sleep deprived and emotional. You may not think so but I think you are doing the best you can and it's okay. You don't always have to hold it together, you can let go and have these not so stellar moments. I get triggered randomly still (a thought, a song, a phrase, etc.) and sometimes you need to succumb to the sadness to feel better. You are human and now and then you have to let these moments have their way with you so you can take a deep breathe and try again for a better tomorrow. As I always tell my kids, it never has to be perfect, just a little bit better. Hugs!

It's always hard to lose a loved one and even bittersweet when he was going to be a part of your wedding plans. It's never easy no matter who it is to you but in this case you have a treasure trove of memories you can keep of your grandfather. He had a long life and that means a lot of memories to collect and that is a good thing. Hugs to you!

I was already chock full of hobbies. The only past time I have dropped is volunteering because I was a volunteering hound and I worked PT so I could do those things. I had to go to work FT to support us and get us health insurance and I also just need a break to reassess my personal goals. It was natural to stop at this point with my kids getting older (they are teens). I used to do not 1 but 4 levels of local, regional and state PTA as well as local foundation work. I listen to music, sew, crochet, scrapbook, cook/bake, read, collect dolls. I have plenty to distract me and I use them all at various times when I have down time. So I have no need to add more to what I already do. I have had several people offer to have DH's things made into quilts. I laugh because I can easily do it myself BUT also my girls still get some comfort wearing DH's shirts. They aren't ready to give them up just yet for me to cut up and re-purpose. Only thing I'd like to try is yoga but there are so many studios and disciplines to choose from here where I live. I feel physically restless and I have a feeling yoga could fit the bill. The only type of yoga I don't want to try is hot yoga. I hate the gym because it makes me feel too self conscience and I can't run outside because my allergies are terrible right now. Last thing I want is to trigger my allergy driven asthma. I used to do all sorts of aerobics but it no longer interests me.

First of all stop and breathe and focus on your breathing. You are processing and your mind is moving at 100 mph! I am so sorry you have to be here with us but I am glad you have found us because you will get support from people who truly, truly understand. This journey requires we take the same path but how we take it is what will differ. You will find a way because you have to for yourself and for your child. The easiest way to start is change up how you do things - break your routines and make them new. I was able to sleep by sleeping in his spot, not mine and at dinner we all changed seats. Little things. If people are offering help still, take it while you process and try to figure out things. Bills need to get paid, household still needs to be run but help can be helpful if it's being offered. Hugs for you today.

Families mean well but they can drive you nuts. Good luck to you...only you know how much of their pestering you can take. I love my family but I too know I need to hold back or they would drive me crazy. I don't post much on FB anymore because of it. They are smart not to pry and now wait on me to share when I am ready. Hugs and good luck!

The sad reality is some people can't take it because they can't relate or understand what you are going through. Have you thought to look for a support group accessible to you? I go to one and it's helpful to unload to people who understand and they are so much more understanding than a usual acquaintance. If that is no go, lmk and I'll message you my own phone number. Hugs to you.

Not remarried or in a relationship but I bought the plot next to my husband in an interfaith cemetery so we could be together again someday. He was Jewish and I am Catholic. A good friend of mine had the plot next to her husband as well but she remarried and let it go back to her former inlaws. She plans to be buried next to her current husband if something happens.

I choose life obviously but I have kids, family and friends to live for. The hardest thing is the loneliness. LH and I were constant companions whenever we had time to ourselves not working or chasing kids. I don't focus on much else. There's reminders of him everywhere in the house, in the cars, on our DVR and Pandora but we choose to embrace these things because it keeps him with us in spirit. I am at 1 year and my energy could still be better but I am doing things with the kids, I work, I can keep house, appointments, and bills straight, and I still make sure to carve out some time for me for my own mental health. I pick and choose my battles and I let things go more if I feel it's best and I don't punish myself for it. I clean less, I cook less, that sort of thing. If I keep myself busy, I'm as good as distracted for a good amount of time and I can for a short moment forget the sadness. I am fortunate that I am surrounded by people who don't mind that I still talk of LH like he's still around.

I slept on his side of the bed for the first few months so my arm wouldn't reach out looking for him and jerk me awake to a panic attack. I would really tire myself out but I'd work up earlier to it so I'd get a decent amount of time of sleep. So if I wanted to sleep at 10, I'd be in bed by 9 and I would read, watch mindless TV, or crochet to get me wound down and into a relaxed state. I'd switch activities around if I'm resisting 30 minutes in. Now it's a way of life so I can get my 7 hours of sleep because I had to change my bed routine without my husband. When I have trouble sleeping or just feeling troubled, I have an electronic journal that I write in to "talk" to my husband. It always seems to help alleviate me when I am struggling. Sleep with a person for 22 years and it's hard to re-teach yourself a new method of falling asleep. I had to develop this method years ago. My husband was a computer consultant and traveled so I had to learn to sleep without him. I would get him back on weekends but I'd be a single parent all week without him. He had that gig for 4 years. So I think it's another reason why I am succeeding this survival thing to a point like basic functioning and trying to get some sleep.

I totally get it. I have dreams or have weird flashes randomly about my husband and I get disorientated and confused. I do think however my tattoo helps me so when I look at myself in the mirror questioning my sanity, I see my tattoo and I know what reality truly is. it is sort of my own personal "Inception" token to help me distinguish reality vs fantasy. It's hard to have your brain process AND completely accept our situations. We don't want it to be true and I think as a coping mechanism, our brains can really play a doozy on us. Hugs for you today.

I initiated things in November when I finally got all the smaller business things in line first. That would be about 7 months after he died but about 4 months after finally getting the death certificate so I could start taking charge of things. We have considerable assets and belongings and I think you need to do these things. I set up a trust for the kids and I have explicit details how they will inherit and who is executor of estate and if they are still minors who will care for them. I don't want them blindsided and I don't want our assets to go through court or for them to be taxed to death.

The silence is deafening, isn't it? My husband and I were text fiends. He was a computer consultant and I do a lot of quality documentation on a computer so we always had a little window open in the corners of our computers and chatting on and off all through the day. The silence at first was deafening for me. Some girlfriends chat with me now through the day in a group chat and it helps me get through my day rather than make it drag along in silence.

Thinking of you....hugs!

You do your best and you can get there. We spend more time together more than ever, my girls and I. We make the experiences up and we now do better making time for them. I let the cleaning and chores go for a day or two and we do something out of norm for us. How about a day in the city? How about an impromptu visit to the zoo? How about we shop and looks for X? How about we have ice cream sundaes for lunch? How about a picnic lunch at the park? It can be so simple and you'll make those special goldfish memories for your kid, you'll see. Hugs for you today.

Yes the viewing is hard. I viewed him first and when the wake was over and everyone had left, I visited him once more and kissed his brow. We had a closed casket for the day of the funeral as is Jewish custom. The wake was very Christian because it was for those of us who are still alive and not Jewish so we could say goodbye and have closure. I think you made a good decision on your part. I don't think the coroners can do that much better sadly, the body is embalmed and such and I know in my case, we had my husband's body go through Gift of Hope for tissue and bone donations so he was no longer my whole Josh as I had known him. It made it a touch easier to let him go seeing him like that.

Yeah I had my in-laws try to force on me that I'm not a solo parent and they're here for them but my kids don't want a substitute dad figure, they want THEIR father. The in-laws live 40 minutes away from us and have health issues of their own. They aren't accessible so it's not helpful if and when I need help. My MIL has spent a lot of time invalidating everything about me on FB and in person so I hold her at arm's length away at all times. So yes, I am quite solo in parenting. I don't even share much on FB anymore because I don't want to read the bru-ha-ha that always follows. My friends have picked up how special my MIL is so now I just talk to select people on messenger.

I got a tattoo last year for my birthday and it was also my first tattoo. I'm in my forties. The guy was cute, he thought I was younger. It simply felt like stinging sunburn to me but it wasn't unbearable. I think it all depends where you get it. Mine is on my left front shoulder, not quite on my chest above my heart. It was personal and it was for just me. It helps me keep in perspective that his death did occur so when I look in the mirror and I see the tattoo, I know that I'm in real time and not dreaming. I suggest get what has meaning for you.