Julester3

Fridays were nearly always mine to do as I wish. Josh used to have game nights at his friend's house most Fridays. They are huge tabletop gamers. The kids and I would go to the movies or chill out at home together so we still do that. If he were home, we'd catch up on shows on our DVR and hang out together. Nowadays if the kids have their own activities, I'm still parked in front of the tv. I just keep my hands busy - I crochet or play games on my phone or I have my laptop.

My girls are 13 and 17. We are honest and blunt in our home. When I told them I wanted to try dating, the girls were supportive and understood my need for companionship. They only asked that I don't bring anyone to our house since it is our sanctuary and also they did not want to meet any of these guys unless it's one I was serious about. That has not happened yet. They did like hearing after date stories or about my adventure attempting to date. They totally had advantages when I got annoyed like the time a guy ticked me off so we got ice cream for dinner.

I tried hard not to compare the guys I dated to my husband but in the end, when you are looking for qualities you feel you need in a new relationship, in a new partner, how can you not use what quality information you have to draw on from your relationship from your late husband? I know I needed someone who can fulfill my intellectual needs as much as my physical needs. Sadly, only 1 had the intellectual capacity but everyone else just wanted physical relationships, not even caring about if we intellectually matched if the sexual chemistry was satisfactory. Sexual chemistry for me unfortunately requires that intellectual connection. I learned if it wasn't there, it did nothing for me. I learned something about myself never having dated as an adult. And the 1 guy that I really liked finally admitted he wasn't really divorced but was in an unhappy, unsatisfying marriage. I let him go because he really needed to figure himself out. I'm no home wrecker. So here I am keeping myself busy with projects and activities with my friends and kids, not dating but if I run into it, I wouldn't be adverse.

Absolutely. After my 1 year, I dabbled in online dating because I was lonely and looking for some sort of connection to fill the void. It honestly ended up not for me but it really made me miss my husband even more. No man I dated could ever amount to him and I can't help but compare how deficient every guy was. So I sort of reverted back and I stopped dating for now. My husband and I were just so in sync with one another. We could have fun and do things and have crazy conversations. We could sit and keep one another company doing different things in the same room. It was just that we were just a touch away and accessible. I miss that the most as well as the level of trust we had.

I too found anxiety riddled me the week leading up to the 1 year anniversary. Hugs to you as the time approaches.

It sounds like an amazing opportunity for you and the kids!

Just wanted to offer a hug...it's a huge step. I did a first purge of my husband's clothes and shoes but not a complete one yet. The kids and I are not ready.

You are brave and moving forward. Positive vibes you find a working situation so you can make more concrete plans! Hugs for moving day tomorrow!

I haven't joined any Facebook widow groups because when I found this place, I felt comfortable here and did not feel a need to find other outlets. Sucks to find non-supportive people in a support group! Hugs to you and thanks for the check in! I'm doing okay and I have good and bad days, more good than bad. Acceptance played a huge part in my ability to function, reasoning with myself to be logical has helped, and being true to myself has solidified my confidence. The girls and I are going towards to being good and that's definitely a good thing.

Omg Tybec. What crappy timing! I'd be pretty pissed off in your position that this happened and just after you literally closed. I think you do need to regroup and focus. I too sort of feel he's not as committed now that this happened. He totally changed his tune as soon as his ex made changes - what happened to blending and compromise? There was no opportunity made for it after this transpired. Hugs!

Klim: I read on another forum that photobucket changed their terms of service so you can't uplink photos anymore to post to forums. Try another photo service - maybe Flickr?

That's interesting. Thanks for the information.

Aw that sucks! I hope you can find something else much better. Hugs!

Definitely go for a little more specifics next time! Yikes - not the kind of distraction anyone would want willingly! Hope it's an easy remedy.

We talked about difficult inlaws on another thread but I feel you have gone above and beyond and it is sad they are cutting you out like this and treating you this way with public outraged demonstrations. So childish. I agree with you that there is not much else you can do. Though it goes against your nature, it's for the best. Hugs!

I would try to interview and screen some therapists and see if you can find a good fit. I had to do that with my older kid. I found a female therapist with a specialty in adolescence and grief and I felt was a good fit. I saw a few that I just knew wouldn't click with her. Another suggestion is perhaps do you have a male figure your son would feel comfortable talking to, maybe? Maybe he's looking for a male connection and doesn't know how to vocalize it. It's a shame they won't give the group a chance. In our group, I know it's really helped the middle school aged boys. They'd talk and share ideas about learning to control their anger or frustrations at group and the boys talked about how sports was helpful. They said that like if you have a soccer net, kick the ball hard and in different ways helped them vent and think things over. Of course, if one doesn't have an athletic inclined kid, this advice is not that good. I know some moms have bribed their kids to get them to therapy and it's worked to an extent and then it's figuring a buy in for the next gathering. Good luck - it's hard with teens generally. They are moving to independence but can't exactly work these things out adequately. They are more resistant to accepting or asking for help. I've also observed most people say that it may be much more difficult with boys because they are more resistant to sharing, talking, and emoting.

We do a group which is for the entire family and then we split up in groups. I have done well in a group because it's comforting to be with people who understand and be able to share with them in a safe environment. My youngest who is 13 did well there but not my 17 y.o. She needed her own therapist which I got for her. Sometimes the therapist leading will have a subject to discuss, sometimes it's open or based on holidays coming up. I hope you have a positive experience.

Hugs to you and be kind to yourself. Man, it sucks to learn that because it's something else to grieve for: your hopes, your future and dream together. That loneliness feeling is sadly part of the processing and acceptance of death. I kept myself busy to get through it and I was fortunate to have our kids to really motivate me to pull out of the quiet, dark brooding that happens at the end of the day or the quiet of the morning. I decided not to wait on friends to come to me but I went to them. Many of my friends are not the type to check on me - they know I need space and I will come to them when I am ready. I am also lucky that I can sort of tell who would be good to reach out to and who to back off of. I used FB to see how they are doing before I contacted them. I tended to choose people that give me a sense of calm so I spent a lot of time with my crafty friends and at first, my husband's friends. They just made me feel comfortable and not anxious - calm effect. The learning part is so hard - it's trial and error and it's not the same for everyone. I think that's why this site is good for us - we can read and get ideas and share or vent. I do think we'd all like a fast forward through the hard stuff but in the end, that journey through it is was helps you grow and learn this new you. Another hug and just breathe...

Ugh MIL! I am sorry she acted so infantile. I totally understand. I have a similar MIL who just last week accused me of not allowing her to grieve and from keeping the girls from her. She's mad that I did not inform her personally the day his headstone plaque was installed. She also went as far as to say my husband would be appalled on how I am treating her. OMFG! She's so out of line. And the kicker? I have to forego my own birthday in order to go to a brunch to celebrate her 70th birthday. My birthday is on a Sunday and her birthday is on Tuesday. I'm a mean bitch to have to ignore my own birthday for hers. 🙄 Fuck my narcissistic self centered motherinlaw.

I saw that article and it made me think of this discussion. I'm happy for him but it does reinforce we all grieve differently and the time/pace differed for many of us. I hate the negative people - no person has to be single forever when they lose their spouse if they don't want to. It's our choice and I wish people would not be so quick to judge.

On the internet, goofing off and listening to Amazon Prime while my teenage kids avoid me in another room as is their thing. Not cool to hang out with your mom if you don't have to.

Hugs for you.

I have a love and hate relationship with my Facebook "On this Day" feature. I used to post and share a lot on FB before my husband passed so it can be either comforting or torturous based on how I'm feeling that day.

The baby thing is hard to shake no matter the circumstance. I wanted more kids than the 2 we had. My husband was content with 2 kids and said he wasn't interested in any more. I tried to talk him into it, persuade him but he did not budge. I spent 3 years really down in the dumps over it. Now that we have lost him, it makes me sadder, I never got my little boy with his father's curly brown hair and mischievous grin in his image. I do love my girls and I am grateful for them. I sort of tell myself that Josh did me a favor and was much smarter leaving me with the number of kids I can actually handle on my own. There won't be any more kids for me because the dating thing never went down for me and now in my forties, I have female issues that all women in my family get. So it's only a matter of time when I need to get a hysterectomy. So the grieving of the kids we dreamed of can happen even before we lose our partners.

It's hard watching everyone else progressing, having a good life, and experiencing life's milestones whereas all we see is life progression that lacks that important person we want to share these moments with. It sucks and people wonder why we avoid holidays and gatherings? It's simply hard to keep that smile for those who are celebrating and we are seen as selfish if we exhibit any bit of sadness. Hugs for you. I totally get it and you are not alone! You deserved a down day to yourself.