Captains wife

First of all, good for you for tackling things ! With the sudden death of my husband, I am left with a relatively large property that needs a lot of upkeep (although luckily we didn't buy a fixer upper) and its in a wooded area so I can empathize! Believe me, you can do this and if there are tasks you don't want to do/cant do, then hire someone local and feel good about offering employment to someone. If you look at EVERYTHING that has to get done, that will be overwhelming - maybe put a list together of what really needs to be done first in your mind and slowly cross things off day by day. (I am a list person so this works for me). For large projects, don't try and tackle it all in one day, just chisel away at it a bit at a time. For example, I let a huge garden in the back get overgrown so everyday last year I would tackle a small part of it - pull weeks, turning over dirt, laying down mulch, planting low maintenance bulbs rather than do annuals. For days, it looked bad but its slowly improving (I am on year 2 of the project). On a positive side, these house projects can keep your hands and mind busy so it provide some grief relief.

People seem curious when we aren't out to meet another mate...especially people who are coupled. It sounds as though you had such a sweet marriage and love so that must be hard to think will be replicated in some other form. I started dating again when my son was 14 months old out of pure loneliness and admittedly I have had a number of disaster relationships - which tells me I jumped in too soon. For you, it seems that you haven't been rushing to meet someone - and that is perfectly understandable after losing your husband suddenly + having to raise a small child on your own. But it doesn't mean you have sworn off men : ) you just want to meet one on your own terms. Honestly, online dating really opens up a lot of possibilities but it is difficult, exhausting and you can meet a lot of nut jobs. Maybe join a few hobby type groups (i.e. through Meetup.com) for some more socialization ? I have met a number of male friends that way (sailing, wine tasting etc.) and have been asked out a number of times through these groups as well. I really enjoy the group type meet ups as the groups I joined were not dating groups but do happen to have a lot of single members. I am trying to manage a dating life with a small child - my son is 4 years old and, like you, I lost my husband suddenly so even after 3 years I am personally finding it hard to get "attached" to anyone. Sometimes the trauma of it all just puts me into short periods of depression and men I date find it hard to understand. I do take the odd night to go out with someone I am dating (ie. once a week or every week and a half + the odd weekend) so I am away from my son and either ask our nanny to watch him or he stays with my inlaws. I do feel mama guilt sometimes but I also want to find love again and I know its going to take me a while. I wish you all the best, even reading your posts make it seem like you are ready to dip your toes in the dating waters again, and since your son is older, it will give you more time to go out on dates : ) So I hope some lovely man crosses your path at some point in the near future.....

Went ballistic in my office - threw out files and files of my husband's old real estate notices and papers....sigh....

Honestly, I will never understand why people act the way they do sometimes. Fine if he and his ex are getting back together - but then don't go on a date. Or make sure it is know in advance it isn't a date. With the right person(s) you will go on multiple dates. I have been on so many first dates that didn't work out (and I had a similar experience to what you posted with one guy I quite liked). It just takes some time to find a match on both sides, even to go on a second date. You will also probably find there are guys who want to take you on a second date but you don't want to go out with them again : ) Keep going with it, and what kept me going was trying to keep a sense of humour about it plus telling my funny dating stories. All the best,

Thank you....I don't know why recently but he continues to say he misses his Daddy, where is he ?...I want to see Daddy. So sad.....poor little fella. Thank goodness 4 year olds are easily distracted.

SoVerySad - I am very sorry to hear everything that you have to deal with ON TOP of the grief. Not what you need and facing it in court is not easy. Having dealt with the law after my husband's death (it had to do with theft of some of my husband's possessions by the company that salvaged his boat), I found the police officer dealing with the case woefully incompetent. In my case, the case was initially thrown out by the court given the poor quality of the police report but I refiled the case by re-writing the report myself and only after that did the court accept my case and I eventually won it - so I was financially compensated for my husband's items and my legal fees (as I eventually hired a lawyer). I am more than appalled here that the drunk driver seems to be getting away with the damage he has caused, not to mention this person needs to learn a lesson. I am not sure if you can or want to file any sort of appeal but if this person had insurance I hope you are getting compensated for the damage he has done - not only to your van but to your health etc. As you said, any big event like this makes the grief worse so I hope things get better soon. Just one day at time....

My son was 9 months old when my husband died suddenly and he is almost 4 years old now. He is a happy, well adjusted child and I feel blessed he is healthy and has my late husband's bubbly personality. So far, the issue of his Daddy not being around hasnt been too bad. He knows who is Daddy is from pics and video, he isnt grieving much yet and it doesnt seem he is fully aware how his home life differs from other young kids in his pre-school. Lately, though, the issue of where is Daddy has come up more - and that my son wants to see him. My husband loved video games so we still have his X-Box set up in the TV room, and use it as a DVD player. I explained to my son that this was Daddy's X Box. The thing is the X-Box automatically logs in as my husband when we turn it on and he had created a cartoon-like character on there that looks like him and waves at you when you log in (I am not an X Box expert so not sure how this is done or what it is called). So now my son seems to think this is Daddy - and says whenever we log in "Oh there's Daddy! Hi Daddy...Please dont go...." Sweet but utterly depressing at the same time. I have asked this question before but based on experience at what age do small children really understand that Daddy is completely gone and never coming back ? I want to explain to him what happened but he seems so young to even absorb this. The only thing is that he know his Daddy is in heaven with the angels watching over him (my nanny told him this and honestly I dont know what else to say...plus it sounds soothing even though I am not religious). I plan to get him some therapy to help him process his grief as he gets older but I imagine that is a few years away. Any insight, potential reading material would be helpful ! Maybe he is grieving more than I understand....I just dont know how a child this age processes all of this.

So sorry Maureen - the additional losses are hard but its a good thing that you are flying to the services to say good bye.

Ahhh...I know....those lovely romantic gestures. I was never a hand-holder before but I really grew to love the affection my husband showed for me. Of course, now I miss it. My new guy isnt a hand holder : (

Heard from another widow - but to be fair she meant it in a nice way. "My situation was bad but I cant even imagine what you are going though now, with a young child on your own".

Slightly struggling on this one today....BUT 1) Got nice IRS tax return and for once it was larger than expected. 2) Met up with new friend at Row 34 for lunch today. 3) Hit target weight over past week so have been allowing myself a few food treats : )

Sorry - I am on babysitting duty this Sunday + needing to attend a birthday party but would be up for trying this another time, later in the Spring/early Summer.

Unfortunately, yes. I felt alot of people disappeared from my life after I lost my husband - I know some of this was due to the busy-ness of our lives generally but I also know for a fact it was because couples didnt want to hang out with non couples + certain people couldnt deal with the sadness of my "tragic" story. I am dating someone now and I did notice that couple related invites started to re-appear over the past year. But, honestly, I see my new bf so little, I dont want to hang out with these people in our time together (and neither does he really) so I dont accept most invitations. But its "funny" how that works. People in general just seem relieved when I tell them I am dating someone...(and I never go into how hard it is sometimes either lol).

Fabulous. You must have been one proud mama ! Thanks for sharing with us.

First of all, sorry you are grieving again and this is absolutely the right place to share that. Secondly, I think its almost impossible NOT to miss our late husbands/wives, at least in some way. For some of us, these people were in our lives for many years and, for others (like me), our spouses were only in our lives for a few years or less - but we had a special connection with them. I am 3 years out, not remarried but have been dating someone exclusively but still miss my husband all the time - even when new guy is around. I feel that even though we may be happy with a new partner in Chapter 2, it doesnt replace our Chapter 1. I didnt have a "perfect" marriage like some people on here but my late husband influenced my life in alot of ways and there is a part of me that will never stop missing him and loving him, especially as the great father he was. I am happy for you that you are happy in Chapter 2 and hope this grief wave is over soon...NONE of this is easy.....

Liked your comments Sugarbell....so hard to know if its "right"....and so hard to find something that is 100% "right". Sounds like in your case time will tell. I am also terrible at breaking up with people - hate confrontation. On a slightly different tangent, I personally wish I was at the point where I didnt care if I had a man in my life and was completely independent. But I do hear you on the "taking care of someone" - we have enough people to take care of...us and our kids.

My husband was all about the big, romantic surprises. Part of it was his bigger than life personality and he liked showing off. Honestly, as a hidden romantic, I totally ate it up. 1) On Valentine's Day the first year we were dating he showed up at my work unexpectedly (I worked on a trading floor at a bank) and he walks in with flowers, hellium balloons, a huge stuffed animal etc etc (he had coordinated this with my analyst so he could get in) and he walks up and says I love you darling and gives me a kiss and hands me all this stuff. 2) I had a surprise engagement - he "kidnapped" me from work, flew me to the BVIs where he had chartered a sailboat and we spent a week sailing, just the two of us (he had the whole agenda planned) - he tried to hold off but asked me to marry him on day 3, at Willy Ts in front of the all the patrons in the bar and restaurant. 3) When we got back, he had a surprise engagement party at his Mum's house - he rented a white corvette, booked a bagpiper to pipe us in, had asked my entire family to fly in and there was a weekend long party for the engagement. It was so beautiful. Sometimes I really miss these fun, happier times...I know I am never going to be spoiled like this again.

Ooohh....I have a number of them, comes from living "alone". Eating in front of the TV Falling asleep in front of the TV Bedroom is a complete mess I now leave a lot of crap - books clothes etc on my husband's side of the bed while I sleep on "my side"

Sorry MS - you have a lot going on right now.....and, like you, I am a May widow. I went through a very sad period recently so I can relate to what you are saying on the timing. The important thing right now is that you are good to yourself....and treat yourself well. If you find you need to take time off work surrounding the sadiversary, then do it....I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch and I hope it passes (and your pup feels better) !

...All the sympathy cards that I received when my husband died. Nor I am able to get rid of my wedding memorabilia and dress. I dont know why, it would probably be better to get rid of these items. Reading the sympathy cards over and over is just painful. I am trying to clear things out again as spring is here. I threw out a bunch of his work stuff....but there are certain things I just cant bring myself to get rid of. What are you hanging onto ??

SimiRed, I'm very sorry. On top of grieving it sounds as though you are having to deal with a negative relationship. It is good you can vent here, to get it out. It's good you are getting "you" time as well. Sometimes I wonder if we "put up" with things in our post widow life because we don't want to give up/turn our back on them....I don't know. I know I have....But I hope your situation improves for you...you and your son deserve the best. Widow hugs to you.

Sigh - I hear you hikermom.....I miss the togetherness a lot too. Please take care, those "missing them" days are hard. On a side note I am happy spring is here but its recently made me sad too....and I wish so much my husband could be here with us to enjoy it and enjoy our (my son and my) growth in this little town and the house we bought together.

I agree ! And sorry you are having a bad day....sometimes I think we should just allow ourselves to feel bad once in a while. We have all been through a lot and its not natural to be positive ALL THE TIME. I was also having a bad week - little sleep as 4 year old getting up in the middle of the night, was sick, problems with late husband's estate, problems with house etc etc and I just felt awful. Sat in my car on the way home Monday and just cried and felt like going to bed for 2 days. But people around me (including guy am dating) are, like, well, "its a nice day, spring is here ! That's good". And, yes, that's good but it also reminds me my 3 year sadiversary is coming in May and I still feel overwhelmed by everything I have to deal with. So I too want to just feel bad and have a bad day ! Hope the week gets better for you.....

MrsDan - that is a lot on your plate so I hope your house rents quickly and you can find a new place to live without much difficulty ! I also hope you have some local support for the move, its exciting that you are starting a new job ! I think its perfectly acceptable for us widows/widowers to explain our circumstances (or have our circumstances explained on our behalf) in important situations - there is nothing wrong about giving the whole story because some of us do need a little boost. I have personally explained my widow status for certain situations, because, well being a widow has impacted me immensely and I need a little extra. And for you, this is very important....so wishing it all works out for you on renting your house.

MissingSquish - I am so sorry....I know, trying to formulate a new relationship is hard. I hear you on your comment of having a genuine connection with someone...it is tough and I wish it wasn't. But you put such good effort into this relationship and remember you can walk away feeling you did what you could + you are walking away because you are not getting what you need from the relationship. That is a brave decision and its good you are doing what is best for you over the longer term. Your bf is the one missing out here ! Please remember how much you have to offer and there are a lot of fish in the sea - it just takes a little bit to find the ones you want to be with...but a better match is out there for you. Sending big hugs.