Captains wife

Pics on FB look so fabulous. What a great adventure - and what a great adventure you are creating for your niece. Glad you are past your recent "funk" - I can imagine the many places you are visiting can be very triggering. But you keep soldiering on.....All the best

Good for you for sticking with what u need and want and moving on from a relationship you aren't completely happy with. That is not easy. The extraction period is hard and I bet he is trying to keep in touch but I personally find the friend zone a difficult place to be after being involved. If you want to move on, feel free to ask him to give you some space maybe? Sometimes the no contact rule, although very hard at first, makes it easier in the end. (Read this in some relationship book and have used it for myself). Your attitude is great and there are endless possibilities out there.

Trying - you can do it ! Its a huge life change but it sounds like you are doing it for all the right reasons. I am in awe of these widows/widowers making these (positive) changes in their lives. I know I should sell the house I bought with my husband, downsize, start a new...but I cant find the energy to do it + dont want to lose money on my house. Wishing you all the best - this is stressful but will bring you longer term benefits.

Yes...been there a number of times. I also found that I would make a date with a guy, then he would find out about my single mother/widow status and then cancel. There was one guy in particular, a teacher, who seemed really into me - we emailed, texted, chatted on the phone, had a great Sat night date planned in Boston and then he cancelled right after he found out I was a widow with a son. (And he did via an email right after phone call but not admitting why exactly.) I went out once with a self made guy in Newport - thought 1st date went well, he seemed really into me, great chemistry, seemed to want to go out again. We texted several times a day for a few weeks. We had a romantic 2nd date planned, I had arranged child care etc, then poof - disappeared. But then again, we wouldnt want to end up with these types of guys either. I wish people could be upfront in the dating game but most arent. The issue with online dating is there is so much choice out there - on both sides. Saying that, however, I did meet some really great men when I did online dating so they are out there - it just takes a bit of time to weed through the "un"matches to find your match. Wishing you all the best - none of this is easy!

My husband and I moved to a very small town in MA, bought a house and then 2.5 months later he died in a boating accident. I am in a great school district, have a great nanny helping us and the town is very pretty with lots of nature and great for raising kids. The problem is that my demographic stands out - I am a 40 something working mom, widow with a toddler. This town is primarily 2 parent families with multiple kids plus many of the mothers stay at home. I have worked very hard to meet people in town, socialize, get my son into local kids activities but it's been tough as this town is very clique-y and admittedly we have no roots here, like most people who live here do. I went to the local yacht club's family day last night with my son. We had fun, especially my son, which is what is most important but I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb. EVERYONE was coupled up and since I was the only single parent there and given my son is 4 I needed to stay outside with him and the other kids to keep an eye on him. No mingling for mama. But I felt self conscious, sitting out there "alone" and even the newer couples to the club barely talked to me, even a few people I knew didn't come out to say hi (as they were too busy at the bar chatting). I had a few of the guys I know come over to say hi, ask how I was but not the ladies. And it would have been nice if one person offered to look after my son for 2 minutes so I could get us drinks/food. (Luckily a kind staff member came out and helped). I guess part of this post is me whining but also to ask if anyone else has felt similar- as single parents in situations where everyone else is coupled up. Most of the time, these days, this dynamic has bothered me less, but it did hit me at last night's outing.

Ok - vent for the day. Can I just say, I am tired of saying I am tired...but I am tired, dog tired. Just so much to do all the time and my TO DO list is never complete. Part of this is my fault but sometimes I just want it to stop so I can relax for a prolonged period.

If there are decent hotel deals I would try and stay in the historical district, near Boston Common, Beacon Hill. Great to walk a lot of places from there. There is an Omni Parker house hotel on School St that used to have deals once in a while-tiny rooms but great location. For things to do, def see the Red Sox, try going on a Duck Tour (cheesy but fun way to see Boston). Good museums include MFA and Boston tea Party museum. There's a lot going on in the Seaport district too plus great restaurants so try that as well-there's a good acquarium there. You can also take a ferry to some of the MA islands from Boston, like Martha's Vineyard. There are historical walking tours that would be educational for your son and great way to see historic district. Also check out Faneuil Hall-often there are good entertainers there plus good restaurants and shopping. Charlestown has some great historical ships plus Cambridge is worth a visit (both by subway). Hope this helps!

How old is your son? I work/live in Boston area so maybe I can help?

Momtojandj, I too have read your posts on here re your new relationship and I am so sorry you are hurting. Going through loss upon loss is painful. I have been through something similar so can understand your trust issues. One of my new guy's closest friends is a woman that I don't know and they are in touch regularly and hang around the same crowd- and given things in my past, I had a hard time getting comfortable with it. It sounds like your guy's female friend is crossing boundaries that aren't fair to you and he isn't handling it well at all. It's fine for him as he knows the situation but it's not fine for you, and why would it be? Instincts are all well and good but sometimes our fears can also distort them, as I have personally found. If you feel comfortable with it, it's worth talking to him and hear his side of what is going on. I have also found that sometimes you need to lay your cards right on the table-explain what is bothering you, why and what your proposed solutions are. It's very likely nothing is going on with this female friend but both she and he need to be more respectful of your feelings. If he can't see that, then that's an issue. Wishing you all the best in whatever transpires-you deserve what you want and need in Chapter 2. PS - my first break up post widow was initially very painful but I did a couple of things to help myself, including taking some down time, exercise, keeping distracted, deleting his contact details plus reading self help break up books. Now, I never even think of this guy. Hugs to you...,,

I'm so sorry. That was really thoughtless of them. It really pisses me off when people act like this / what is WRONG with some people? Wishing u an enjoyable weekend with your kids...hugs

Im very sorry you are dealing with this. I wish widows/widowers would just get a break from all the other crap life throws at us. I read a very good book about talking to children about loss and it was very clear in being truthful with your children about sickness and death (in an age appropriate way). They also need to know if you arent yourself so its good that you did talk to them. I wish you all the best for your big holiday weekend away - please try and take it as easy as you can (and enjoy just lying on the beach doing nothing), explain to your kids you need down time and the good thing is that they are old enough to help take care of you a bit, including helping wiith meals etc.

I was having a down day and kicked myself in the butt to go to a wine tasting party in town. Once there however I realized I couldn't keep up with the fake smile and chit chatting and the flirting. So I left early and now sitting at Shake Shack with French fries and a glass of red wine...alone.

Yes...I know this well. Sorry...it sucks sometimes trying to adjust to this "new normal". I too miss the full husband/father support. While I also appreciate having a boyfriend, and there are some fun parts of being single again, it is not even close to being the same as being married to the father of my son. And in your case, you have soooo much going on and I applaud you for all that you are dealing with on your own. People (friends, acquaintances) love to get an update on my private life - I think people want to see us happy again with someone. For a long while, I felt "just ok" with my current dating situation...something was missing for me, sometimes it still is. So then "everyone" chimes in that if I am not 100% happy, I should move on from New Guy. But the one thing I realized is that a part of me really just missed married life and dating someone is just not the same. I also realised that I couldnt expect New Guy to replace that kind of husband support/position in my life. Dating someone - i.e. seeing them once a week - makes it very tough I think to form a very close bond, particularly as our busy lives get in the way. Also, you are sooo right - I miss the support of talking through big life/family decisions with someone. Now sometimes I call my mother or mother in law just so I have someone to listen - my husband and I talked through everything. New Guy tries but doesnt get it. I am grateful for what I have but it is soooo not the same. And the adjustment is tough. Sigh.

Sorry Lost35... I do think venting helps, especially to people who undertand and are going through it. I was really missing my husband the other day and am at year 3 so I guess this really doesnt go away. The special benchmark moments for our children are particularly hard without them. I know my husband and our son would have been so close - and it breaks my heart that my 4 year old is without him and never really knew him. Looking at all the FB postings of the two parent families on Fathers Day was somewhat painful. Not fair...seriously.

Although I can tell from your post that you have some things to work out related to your long distance relationship, I thought the 1 year sabbatical sounded like a good idea. See how you like it, see how things are when the three of you are in the same place. I also wanted to contribute some optimistic comments about living in England. I am American but lived in London for 10 years. And before my husband died we actually looked into moving to England and having our child there - but alas the job I got was in MA. England is such a lovely place to live and here's why - it is a beautiful country, I didn't mind the weather (often the winters there were milder than the NE), there is a huge expat community and therefore a lot of opportunities to meet people, great schools, I love the English culture, it's so easy to hop on a plane or boat and go to anywhere in Europe for the weekend (what a great experience for your child!). Sometimes it's good to try new experiences and shake things up a bit : )

I struggle with this issue ALOT and I know others have written about this topic with older children - but I have a 4 year old. And I received what I think is bad advice from a kids grief therapist the other day. But feel free to chime in.... I have been dating someone for over 12 months - I am happy but its had its ups and downs and we are moving slowly. And I honestly dont know what the future will hold for the two of us. But then again, unlike some people on here, I didnt know when I dated my husband whether I wanted to marry him - I am kind of like that... just cautious...(and picky?) I only recently introduced new guy to my son at month 11 - and he came over for lunch and we went to the playground at the beach. Since then, we dropped by to say hi to him when I was in town. New guy has very little experience with kids and none of his own but he was good with my son. My son is just realising what happened re: his dad so I dont want to confuse my son by bringing my new guy into the picture too much. New guy has invited the two of us to his summer house for the July 4th weekend + to stay the following week as long as we wanted as he will be staying that week. I thought this was a sweet gesture but I want to limit the trip to 4 days. We already discussed it and I will be staying with my son in the guest room. New guy has some stuff planned for my son - going on the boat, taking him to the local fort, taking him on the local train. I think it will be fun - and new guy seems to really be looking forward to it ! But the therapist that I am talking to about my son (and loss) thought this trip wasnt a good idea for all involved and I was a little taken back by her view on this. She thought that 1) I should keep my son and my new guy seperate until I knew more definitively what my future was with him (I dont think its that straight forward plus my son only knows him as my friend) and 2) spending several days together in Maine was likely to be too much for everyone. And that new guy should spend more time with my son before this trip happens (but this isnt really possible given our schedules before then). I guess I dont agree - I need to see how these two can get along and that weekend will give me a good idea of that. Plus we are going as guests. Plus it will be a really nice getaway for my son, who loves nature and the water. Plus I am planning a few things to do with my son (visit my cousin, take him to the local swimming pool) so that new guy can have some of his own down time. I also had a blunt conversation with new guy about the visit and we agreed to be open about spacing issues etc if it gets to be too much for any of the parties. Anyway, I am looking forward to our adventure - and I think it was really kind of new guy to invite us and plan all these events for us. He seems very relaxed about the whole thing. So I think the therapist is over-reacting but admittedly she gave me some food for thought.

I hear you and had similar issues- it was so much easier when dating my late husband as he was so emotionally open. New guy- not so much although I know he cares about me a lot. And it sounds like your boyfriend really cares about you. I have come to realize that dating post widow is so different than when I dated before. There is more emotional baggage as we get older, it's not just us but kids are involved, we as adults have evolved generally in terms of what we want. And the togetherness we had in married life is suddenly gone and when we look for it from our new partner it's not quite there. And it's frustrating when we don't get the same support but then again we are dating, not married. I felt when I was younger, dating had a path- meet, potentially fall in love, move in together, maybe get married, maybe have kids. But at my age, most of the us have been through that already so not necessarily rushing to do it again. My relationship is moving at a turtle's pace and I used to be frustrated, didn't think he cared but I have become comfortable with it - and actually prefer it now as still grieving and trying to raise my 4 year old. If you are really frustrated by the lack of communication I would sit down with your boyfriend and have a rational discussion about it. Maybe he doesn't see things the same way, understand what you need. Also it's really important that you potentially want the same things in the future out of your relationship and although it's a hard discussion to have, it's really key. If it's the case that you don't think this is the person for you in the long run, that's something you will need to think about and decide - and then talk to him as he may be in a different place. None of this is easy so I wish you all the best. It does just seem more complicated than before- sigh.

Nice, nice, nice...so proud of you and happy for you!

Agreed on posting here ! Although my 4-year old son is an only child, I have had some issues with him in school getting physical with other kids. Its never been really violent actions but he does head butting, pushing etc.. Also, he is very gentle around babies/younger children and tended to direct his behaviour to kids in his age range. I have come to realise that this was happening because: 1) he has had some developmental issues with his speech and his frustrations were coming out in a physical form because he couldnt communicate fully, 2) I wasnt setting enough boundaries at home on physical contact, 3) he was used to having all the adult attention. I learned this through a few ways - 1) I took him to a developmental pediatrition and had him evaluated/tested, 2) I worked with the school on what they were doing to stop these types of behaviour plus 3) I wanted to set a better example at home, including sitting him down VERY regularly and explaining in clear terms what was NOT acceptable behaviour. And I remind him EVERY day before he goes to school "no head butting, pushing etc." And it has been sinking in. The old behaviours have been getting better ! I am also trying to integrate him socially in other groups (swimming, science class, play dates etc) so he is getting more social interaction with kids his age and not just being around adults. Given the age of your new husband's son, it is not likely a communication issue (?) but there seems to be some deep rooted frustration/anger there. It might be worth working with a developmental pediatrition if the parents are refusing therapy. Agreed that it will need to be a united front by both you and your new husband. Try and explain again to your husband that you dont "hate" his son and want to help and maybe discuss options of how to best do that. His son's behaviour is probably hard to face and maybe he just doesnt know how to deal with him/embarrased given the sibling issues. Clearly, this type of violent behaviour is not acceptable and hopefully you two can come to an agreement of how to handle it. In the meantime, I think its important as well not to leave the two kids alone in a room together. Setting an example at home of appropriate behaviour is key here, including repeating the "rules" of behaviour many times (no throwing, hitting, kicking) to young boys. There also needs to be consequences if they dont listen. IE for my 4-year old, a while back he head butted someone at school and then spit at them so I took his toys away for a couple of hours. He got the message very quick ! Wishing you the best, NONE of this can be easy.....

My son, at almost, 4 has started really talking about his Dad - where is he? that he misses him, why cant he see him ? He has no memory of him I think as he died when my son was only 9 months. I originally handled this by telling him Daddy was in heaven, looking down and watching over him (even though I am not religious) because I honestly didn't know how to handle it. I just finished reading the book "Talking with Children About Loss" by Maria Trozzi and I actually met with her in person recently to discuss how to handle the situation with my son and his loss. The book covers many different types of losses but does cover the loss of a parent well. The bottom line is that we need to be honest with our children about death, explain it in certain terms. The problem with telling my son that Daddy is in heaven, as the therapist explained, is that my son cant differentiate Heaven as a place vs. another place. So in a sense he might feel like he is being abandoned - I didn't think about that when I told him about being in Heaven. So I sat my son down the other day and clearly told him that Daddy had a rare accident, his body stopped working and that as a result he died - and we cant ever see him again. But I told him how much his Daddy wished he was here to see him grow into such an amazing boy, how his spirit was in Heaven and watching over him (have to be a bit careful on how to explain it so he doesn't think its a ghost) and that I missed Daddy very much too. But I also reassured him that I was going to take good care of him, he also has his nanny and both sets of grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins loving him and looking out for him. It was a tough conversation but I did find the book helpful and wanted to pass this along for similar widows/widowers with young children who are struggling to explain the concept of loss to their sons/daughters.

Yes, thank you for sharing. Life is precious and short and we need to move forward, even if it is hard to do.

I am just over 3 years out from losing my husband and my son's father in a sudden accident. I feel like we are doing "everything right" and have periods of time when we are doing very well. Recently, however, I have had a string of pretty bad news. I have also recently noticed my mood take a turn for the worse - plus I really haven't been feeling well...i.e. no energy (Fri I could barely get off the couch), headaches, stomach problems, achy, this morning I woke up with a rash. However, I am wondering if this is really psychosomatic - that my stress and busy schedule are just catching up with me rather than it being anything medically serious. I have been to the Dr fairly recently, have no serious medical side effects - i.e. fever etc. So I really think that stress might be having these side effects on me. Would be interested to hear if others have had similar issues during the grief process ?

Thats a tough one - I understand wanting to keep extended family in your life, your kids life but I truly believe that it depends on what makes you happy. Trying to maintain a relationship with her seems to be the "right" thing to do but if you and your kids are trying and it isnt being reciprocated, isnt giving you guys what you need in terms of support and happiness you may want to eventually walk away from it. I am keeping a good relationship with my MIL and BIL but there is another member of my LH's family that I cannot stand for a few reasons and I have decided I dont want ANY toxic, volatile people in my life now, even if they are family. Same with friends on my LH's side...I have just walked away.

I have done ALOT of online dating - that was how I met my late husband in fact. I am dating someone now I met on Match.com. Admittedly, it takes some time to get used to. Wanted to pass along some advice. I have never used Christian Mingle but have used literally every other online dating service in my area. Spend time filling out your profile and make sure you have some good, recent pics up there. Part of it is about marketing yourself...seriously. Dont get discouraged, it takes a while to find good matches. What I found when I jumped back into online dating 1.5 years after my husband died is that I really used it to feel more connected to the world generally, and just casually dating. I went on alot of bad dates and met some real odd-balls but I also met some really great men too - that gave me confidence that there was a match out there for me. Make sure you are wary of any scammers - ie. look for badly written profiles, with really bad spelling, matches that come on really strong at the beginning. Before I went out on dates, I usually had a telephone call with them but NEVER gave out my number, I asked them for their number and called with my number blocked. At the beginning, I just went out with a number of guys who werent "my type" just to get my feet wet and see who migh pique my interest. I tended to let the guys make the first move but I did "wink" or "like a photo" sometimes and they guys did sometimes follow up. I used more than one online dating service because when I tried eHarmony, it matches the men up for you and my matches were TERRIBLE. Dont forget there are lots of fish in the sea - it just takes a little work to find the right matches/best ones. Wishing you all the best.

At about a year out, before I started dating I would treat myself to a spa massage on a relatively regular basis - and always request a man as my masseuse. Honestly, it was so nice to be touched again - even if I had to pay for it lol.