Captains wife

I'm 3 plus years out and I still feel that way a bit. And for some reason I tell alot of people too, probably too quickly, after they start prying into my life/marital status. But I will say that 3 years out, it "feels" different from the first year. For the first year, so much of my life was about being a widow, now at year 3 I am figuring out what direction I want my life to go in and how I can be a happy single mother. I thought in year 1 that everyone in my small town heard what happened to my husband and to our family and that I was the only widow in town - but I realised over time, I blended in like everyone else, most people were oblivious to our story and I did meet some other very local widows. This is very early for you so please give yourself time to grieve and adjust to this new phase of life. It is so so tough but I will tell you from personal experience that it does get easier over time (to learn to live with). Sending lots of support, and wishing you all the best.

Thanks for posting. I hit year 3 in May! Some days just suck and I feel my husbands accident was recent, other days I feel I have moved forward in a positive way for my son and I. I'm also still figuring out what I want in this life chapter. I also feel fundamentally changed by what happened to us, even if death is supposed to be part of life. Wishing you all the best as you move forward.

Ouch Abitlost. First of all, I am very sorry as that is very painful to go through in Chapter 2, especially with a 4.5 year history. Its completely understandable you "are not handling it well" - such a loss, post loss is hard to endure. It seems you were willing to put in the work/effort for all his issues and he should have felt blessed and lucky you were willing to do that for him. Sometimes, I dont understand men/people.... I have been through less severe break-ups in Chapter 2 and I have learned this - it is honestly better in the long run (even through painful right now) to be either on one's own or seeking the "right" partner rather than put yourself through continued pain/trials and tribulations of a current relationship that isnt working or stay with a partner isnt willing to put in the effort to make it work. If for whatever crazy reason this person in your life wants to move forward in a relationship without you, thats his bad choice and its best that you move on (easier said than done I know). I really believe in the no contact rule for a period when you have been through a rough break up....and even if the partner tries to convince otherwise. I dont think after a deep, passionate relationship that most people can "just be friends" in the immediate term - only in the past 3 years have I been able to be friends with someone I was in love with 10+ years ago, for example. Im sorry again you are hurting - many of us have been through this Chapter 2 pain and it IS awful to endure. Please be good to yourself, and allow yourself grieving time for this additional loss. (To share, I was a blubbering mess post my first break-up, and even took sick days from work to recuperate - and I consider myself a very strong woman....). Think about the no contact rule for a while - and see how things settle. If you have this desperate need to contact him, contact a friend or post on here to vent instead. (I am thankful for one widow friend on here who convinced me NOT to contact a boyfriend after a sudden breakup and I would text her to get my thoughts out of my head rather than contacting him). Let yourself have a chance to think about you and your needs again. Sending lots of Chapter 2 support.....

MomtoJandJ - personally, I am pissed off for you. I too have encountered 40-50 something men who love to lead women on but are really not committed in the background. My first real "relationship" post widow was like that. If men want to be players, fine - but then they shouldnt act like they want a serious girlfriend, particularly getting involved with our children. I dont get it personally, especially at this age but they should be more honest about who they are. I hope this ex of yours gets what's coming to him for being a liar. I wish you all the best with online dating - there is certainly a much better match out there for you, who will also want what you are looking for.

First of all, I am so happy for both of you that things have progressed and you are making your relationship work - it sound as though things have improved immensely. After the honeymoon phase is over in a relationship, the reality phase kicks in - and you two were dealing with ALOT at once. That can bring out a bad side in most people. Its good to get that "hurt" out of you - talk to friends, talk to him (in a calm, respectful way), talk to us, talk to a therapist but it is in your best interest to let it go and move on from it. I know, its easier said than done - I personally have a VERY hard time forgiving someone for hurtful behaviour. My relationship history isnt nearly what you have gone through but I was having a hard time forgiving some past behaviour in my current relationship. But more recently, my partner has been much more loving, has made changes to make our relationship better and I have decided as a result to let some of our past go - and you know what, we get along better and I am happier as I am trying to do this and he is happier as I dont keep bringing up the past. I still feel some of that resentment there but when I do, I vent outside my relationship or I try and focus on the positive and let myself see things as they are today. Its important to appreciate when people make changes for you - and to recognize that. I have tried harder to do that. Sometimes if I feel upset and my resentment bubbles back up, I take time to myself to reflect - or I go work out (seriously). Nothing can change the past but you two can change your future.

I find that most people don't really want to hear how we wids are doing but I also know people feel badly for what my son and I went through and they want to ask something. I frequently get told how tragic my story is by people in town who have heard what happened. Gee - thanks, I know but thanks for the reminder. When asked how I am/we are, I plaster a big smile on my face and say "we are doing the best that we can" or "good, thanks". I am thankful for all that I have and have been coping relatively well but being a widow/widower just sucks....All the best,

Since my husband died 3 plus years ago, I have felt lonely a lot. We had just moved to a new small town when he died suddenly so I was completely on my own- my family is in Canada, my closest friends are spread out in the U.S. And Europe. My husband and I were such a team in certain ways, including co-parenting. Even as I am dating someone now, I have lonely periods - it's just not the same and the adjustment is hard. I feel like something is missing for me too. i don't think having feelings for someone new replaces the void we feel with our loss. You sound like you have been through a big life change and it is harder to make friends as we are getting older. But it will get easier and your new abode sounds lovely. For me, to get through this I have tried to focus on my life and what makes me and my son happy first so I can try and be happier in a relationship. I ended up joining a few social groups, arranging to go out here and there, I invite new friends over for a glass of wine on my porch, joined the local yacht club and sail with the local ladies, network via this site, try and meet new people who move to town - it doesn't completely solve the loneliness issue but really helps. It takes work but I'm glad I've put the effort in to build my new friendships.

Dating post widow, I didnt bring it up at the very beginning unless the guy asked me about divorce etc or husband (I also have a child and that was in my profile). The only reason I didnt tend to bring it up first is that I found I talked about DH "too much" once I started and I also didnt want to be, like, "Hi, Im a widow" right up front, like it defined who I was. But I do think its important to get it into the conversation relatively early on. I will say that I got mixed reactions when I told guys about my widow status and part of that helped me determine who I subsequently dated. ie. the guy that responded "I wish my ex wife was dead" was left in the dust, another bolted for the hills as he didnt like the single mother idea BUT others I could tell were really sorry about it and understanding. That said alot about these men right up front. Wishing you all the best.....

It is fabulous that you have such a supportive new partner, and I love what he said to you. I can imagine after a 20+ year happy marriage that the adjustment to a new life, new partner IS hard...and things are still so new. Your life now too is VERY different than it was with your DH, especially with children, exes etc. You built half a life with your husband, you are still in the building stages with NG. And it IS scary falling in love again and re-attaching after such a loss in our lives. But its so comforting to see you have a new man that is so supportive in your Chapter 2. Nurturing and understanding is so helpful now. My Chapter 2 still feels foreign to me (even after 15 months) although I have glimpses of comfort and familiarity. Rebuilding is not an easy process as we are all discovering.....

First of all good on you for coming clean : ) sometimes the relationship path is not smooth...for many reasons. If you are happy right now, that is what's important. Proceed cautiously but have fun - hopefully he will have learned his lesson. Wishing you all the best,

For many, the relationship path is supposed to be date, know if he is the one, talk about the future, cohabitate or/and get married etc. But post widow I think it's important to regroup, find ourselves again, find our new life path- and this is especially challenging when grieving children are in the picture. You are making great strides for yourself, your children, your new life and there will be long run benefits from that. Your NG may feel a little left out now but from your posts seems very understanding and supportive. It just may be that the next steps in blending your lives may take longer given all that is going on and given your respective lives. Keeping the lines of communication open are key and it's great you planned a getaway for 2. Sometimes there is something to be said for having a little space while we and our children grow post such a loss. Things will come together in a more cohesive, mutually beneficial way when the pieces fall into place. You're doing a great and admirable job rebuilding you and your children's lives. All the best

Im so sorry. Clearly this is your decision - and others dont have a right to tell you what to do. Maybe my experience will help a bit. My son was a young baby when my husband suddenly passed away so he doesnt remember him at all. At age 4 now, he is starting to ask where his Dad is. He notices now our family and his life is different from other children at school. My personal bias was to talk to him about his Dad from an early-ish age - I have shown pictures, video as I wanted him to know he had a Dad and what his Dad looked like. Earlier this year I went to a children's grief counselor to ask advice on how to deal with explaining where his Dad was because I honestly was avoiding telling him anything in particular as I didnt know what to say. (I posted about this in the widow with children area if you are interested). This well know child therapist recommended the best course of action is honesty (including explaining death, rather than, for example, your Daddy is in heaven) which she explained that I should do so that my child doesnt fear abandonment as he is growing up. Your son is lucky to have your bf in the picture and having a male role model certainly provides security. For me, I also wanted my son to know who his Dad was, where he came from. One big difference for me vs. your situation is that my inlaws have been very much in the picture. I wasnt married long so I wanted my son to see his Dad through their eyes too. That was partly behind my decision to introduce who is Dad is early on. I dont talk about him all the time, I gently bring his Dad into the discussion sometimes and I also let him ask me about his Dad or talk about his Dad and then I respond. One other recommendation this children's therapist made was to introduce my son to a "children's grief group" just so he could see he wasnt the only child faced with this situation. My 4yr old son is too young for the local group now but maybe there is something in your area you could tap into later, once you decide how you want to proceed? Wishing you all the best....its heartbreaking listening to my son say "I miss Daddy" but he is also a very happy, well adjusted boy.

I really realised this past weekend its both - I really embrace the more patient, more emotionally open person I have become over the past 3 years. HOWEVER, my mood swings are bad post widow and I tend to take this out on people in negative ways, including the person I am dating right now. My insecurity and fear of loss post widow seems WAY worse now too....I can flip out over very small things in my relationship these days, when my partner's intentions are actually good. I think new guy is struggling to deal with this. But then again so am I......Sigh....

First of all, good on you re. No contact. That can be very tough....I'm sorry that it hurts but it sounds like in the long run you will be better off. A relationship only 25 percent good will just keep you on an unhappy roller coaster. My first boyfriend post widow didn't end up treating me well, the whole thing was devastating when he broke up with me by email. But I know now that it was in my best interest it ended- he wasn't a good person and he was a liar. Be good to yourself during this time- I personally found things like exercise, reading self help books (on relationships), keeping busy otherwise, the occasional spa visit all helped.

I hear you....When I am busy and starving I do cave and have fast food once in a while. Its also comfort eating for me personally...I just dont allow myself alot of processed food in my diet now since I have been on a diet and watching my waistline. My cooking is also way down as I dont have the time/motivation but maybe one suggestion is to pick a 1 hour or 2 hour window on the weekend or week night and make a big batch of something - then eat during week or freeze ? I have been doing some of this and it cuts down on my eating out if I know I have something at home thats yummy that I can readily eat : ) Ideas: chili (beef or chicken), bean salad, coucous salad, any variety of stew, bolognese sauce, or grab a roasted chicken at the store and a packaged salad.

I miss wearing my engagement ring - my husband put so much thought and effort into this piece of jewelry. I am now 3 plus years out but I posted on the YWBB board about this in my earlier days. For me, I took the ring off really quickly (a few days after the accident) - it reminded me too much of what happened. But then about 3 or 4 months out, I cant remember exactly now, I put it back on for a while and wore it on my other hand. Then I took it off a few weeks later for a few reasons. Its now sitting in a box, locked away. I am seriously thinking of turning my engagement ring into another ring that looks less like an engagement ring and I would like to start wearing it again. Sorry for all going through this at the earlier stages - it is really hard to take this symbol of marriage off our hands.

I miss my husband's smile - it always lit up a room and he always saw the positives, for the most part. When I was cranky after work, he would make me laugh and hand me a glass of wine. Also, although it drove me a little crazy at the time, I miss having someone in my life that really, really cared about me and our child. He used to check in with me every day, a few times a day - when we started dating, when living together, when married. Admittedly there are things I also dont miss, but these days I dont focus on them....

Thanks for the update Momtokam...I know....its a jungle out there. When I was dating, I went out with/corresponded with something like 40-50 men before I started dating one guy I really liked. And, I was at one point on 3 dating sites...I saw all kinds, seriously. (I had married guys hitting on me, 20-somethings, guys offering to "loosen me up", guys speculating whether I had too much baggage, guys deciding they were in love right away, etc etc.) I dated some crazies, liars, guys totally not my type but also met some really great men through it - it just takes time and patience. If someone was a "maybe" for me online, I would talk to them on the phone first and then if there was something there I did try a date. I have also established some nice male friendships through all my dating folly - which I am thankful for.

I am so cautious it takes me a little while to get into a "relationship" ie. not dating anyone else. But I also think its natural to fall quickly into a new exclusive relationship - given age, prior experiences etc. Plus maybe you are lucky in that you have been able to meet potential partners that you are compatable with relatively quickly : ) Thats great. I hope things work out with New Guy and I am SURE old guy is realizing what a dolt he was. All the best,

F*** all these people in my life who expect me to do all the running around and make life easy for THEM - while I am a full time single mother working, trying to take care of a 4year old and a house. Wow, things really change from year 1 to year 3. FYI - that felt good to get off my chest....

First of all, Im sorry about being "stuck" - I so understand this as others do on this board. The great thing about this Board is that sometimes we give advice and assistance but there are times when we need it so others can reciprocate. Being a "taker" sometimes is a-ok and totally understandable. I think being "stuck" is different for everyone but when I personally find myself "stuck" I let myself feel bad for a period but then I try and find ways to make changes to make myself feel like something positive is happening in my life. It can be a big life change or it can be a little life change, or just doing something for yourself (or for yourself and kids). I am a big list person so I try and refocus on stuff I need to get done in my life and crossing those things off, even one at a time, feels good. I exercise regularly for the endorphins and have changed my diet for more energy. I treat myself (i.e. new haircut, massage, new clothes) and sometimes something that small can give me a little boost. I force myself to get out and socialise more - with people I want to see. Although I may not feel like it at the time, it gives me a great boost usually thereafter. For work, I get down about this place sometimes but then I try and find a project that does interest me and I try and get wrapped up in it to keep my mind busy and also feel statisfied when it is done. I have joined social organizations to make new friends and I will sometimes volunteer (i.e delivering meals etc) as it feels good to do something for someone else. I try and think about what I want to do with my life, what makes me happier and my son happier and I work towards that when I have the energy. ie. I want to take my son to England next year so I have started thinking about the logistics of this trip. I took my husband there the year after we married + I have friends and family there. Getting unstuck is not easy but hope some of this helps and I wish you all the best.

Yeah ! Keep reporting in ! Wishing you all the best in the dating world and have fun with it : )

Working in finance/banking, I used to be a complete workaholic - I kept my Blackberry on me at all times, right next to my bed, took it on holiday. I am sure I drove my late husband crazy with it but he was remarkably tolerant - the only time he got really annoyed is that I kept checking it on the trip where we got engaged. His threat was to toss it into the ocean so I finally turned it off for a while. Its a bit addictive being a workaholic (and constantly being attached to a phone) - it really is. I think you need to be understanding to all the career (and other) demands he has on him (and it certainly sounds like you are) but I would also gently encourage him to take periods where the phone is switched off completely, especially at night (unless it needs to be on for emergency reasons). I have learned over time that things work related CAN wait and its more important to spend time with the people in your life that you love - politely remind him of that. One other idea - get involved in activities with him where he CANT have his phone on him (water related acitivities is good here) so you two can totally decompress. Or turn the phone off for him and lead him away to do something else. If the phone isnt in his presence for a short period, he will be less tempted to keep checking it. As a prior workaholic, it was tough having a phone that was switched off in my presence but if I left it at home and was out doing something else, I eventually forgot about it. And it sounds like he might have issues having the will power to turn it off himself so you can help him with it, in a caring way. Or go to places with no cell phone service - and go hiking or camping or whatever. Wishing you the best, despite some of these issues, it sounds like your current relationship is a great match for you two : ) There are certainly much worse traits than being a workaholic.

My goals for this week Be happy ! Call to finalise plans for my sons birthday party at Thomasland Hunker down and refocus on new work project Buy and set mousetraps Start calling around to get quotes for painting my house Start preparing for trip to Canada next week

Im so sorry - the flashbacks can be really awful and unsettling. Just over 3 years ago I was woken by a call from the Coast Guard, my husband was missing for 11 hours and then I got the final call. The pain when I think about that night is unbearable. Please do what you can to "feel better" - when I couldn't sleep, I tried to distract myself, also tried meditation/yoga, listening to CDs, worked out and kept so busy in the day I would just konk out. Also big hugs to you.