Captains wife

My son was 9 months old when my husband died suddenly. I have struggled with how to handle this as my son is growing up. He is nearly 4 years old now and he has no memory of his dad and doesn't understand really what happened and how his life is "different" from other kids. He sees Dads on the playground and tries to play with them and certainly gravitates to male friends of the family so I know he misses having a dad. My husband was the primary caregiver so was with our son all day - sigh....sigh... What I have tried to do is keep showing him pictures and video of his Dad and he does know who is he. We have told him his Daddy is in heaven and watching over him and keeping him safe (Im not religious but I honestly don't know how to handle this). I occasionally tell him stories about his Dad. We have put a trunk of stuff together of his Dad's and my friend started a memory book. When he is older we will sit down and discuss this more. I am also very fortunate that my son is very close to my inlaws, particularly my MIL and BIL. He sees them almost every week and spends a lot of time with them on special occasions. They hang out in the house where my DH grew up and I know my MIL talks about his Dad to him.

I feel for you on this. My husband was killed in a boating accident and he was missing for 8 hours until they found him. I heard the whole search and rescue on the VHF. It was grueling...but I also think (and my grief therapist thinks) I have PTSD from this. Your post resonated with me because I also would have acted the very same as you did when you couldn't immediately find your young son. You shouldn't be embarrassed at all, you care about the well being of your son...For some reason, I think the worst when things happen (i.e. my young son and I have been in and out of the Emergency room recently) and I personally just panic and I too think of that day my husband disappeared. It just wont get out of my head. My son has wandered off on me on a few occasions too and I get frantic and cry so these days I don't let him out of my sight when we are outside. Wishing you all the best....NONE of this is easy......

It would be great if you could stay home with your girls, if the financial strain isn't too great. I wish I could be home more with my young son. For me personally, financially stability is VERY important to me and there are certain things I want to do in life including sending my son to private school for high school and to pay for his university. I also want to have a decent retirement so I work 4 days a week, 12 hours a day with my commute. So I am away from son a lot (although I get to work from home one of those days so I can at least see him while he is being take of by our nanny). So you might also want to think about the future financially as well but cutting back on current expenditures is also not a bad thing if you can make this work now ! Regarding a nanny, I have a full time woman working for me who also helps with the housework. I originally went through a nanny agency but the downside here is you can pay more and there are a lot of restrictions. My mother actually found our nanny through a local newspaper and we did a credit and criminal check + background check on her. I have also used Care.com as back up but make sure that anyone you are interested in has a background, criminal check. Also, I found some of the caregivers on there a little unreliable but its overall a great service to use as a resource. Depending on the age of your kids, I would recommend an older person (ie 20s+) given your hours. Wishing you all the best with your decision !

Rebuilding...a great word for it and a great, thought provoking post. I am almost 3 years out after losing my husband suddenly in an accident and being left to take care of a 9 month old. I feel as though I spent the first year "surviving" - just getting through the day, nurturing myself and my son, reorganizing my life to make it work as a single parent. Just trying to get the day to day stuff done, with a few breaks in between. I ate and drank a fair amount and put on a brave face but was pretty miserable. Then I feel as though I started to get into rebuilding mode - realizing I didnt want this experience as a widow to totally define me and that I wanted to be happy for the years I have left with my life. I was tired of being so down so wanted to work on rebuilding my attitude and my life. So year 2-3, I decided to focus on what makes me happy and how I could rebuild my life as a single mother. I felt so isolated alone in my small town (I had always lived in the city, my husband and I moved out to burbs) so I joined a couple of local groups, volunteered, worked hard to build new friendships - through this board but also through meetup.com etc and the clubs I joined. I wanted to feel better about myself so I went on a diet, cut my drinking and started regular exercise for the endorphins - and lost 4 dress sizes + spent money on my hair etc (which I neglected in year 1). I found a grief therapist as well so I could let out what was in my head (I am not good at grieving in front of my family and friends). I completed a number of projects on my house. I tried to re-engage more actively with my work, went to a few job interviews to see what opportunities were out there. I started dating, and am trying to open my heart up to the possibility of being really re-coupled (ummm but still working on this). I started being more confident about my parenting skills by reading books, taking my son on outings so we could bond (and get out of the house) and I have been learning to control my temper better. Instead of living just day by day now, I am cautiously starting to look forward to what I want to do and I continue to work on what makes me and my son happy and trying to be happy overall. I am not finding this rebuilding process easy admittedly and I have alot of ups and downs (including my mood) but I am working on it ! I have been frustrated as I think I have been doing the "right" things to rebuild but I cant seem to get past the grief of what happened - but as I understand, this is going to be a long process (indeed full of ups and downs).

Gracelet - I havent been exactly what you have been through (as a SoS) but I understand your comments on rejection. Im sorry you are feeling this way - the dating scene seems so complicated these days and it must be hard to move on after all that you (we on this board) have been through. I never was that conscious of feeling rejected when I dated before (in my 20s/30s, pre-marriage) - maybe a little but not to the same extent I am now as I am dating. I dont feel the men I date understand or can deal with my grief well (and there were complications related to my husband and my relationship which compounds the grief) and I feel like telling my widow story (and as a single mother of a toddler) sends many men running for the hills. I try not to give out my last name to dates as you can easily google me and find all the details of my sad story online. I am trying to date someone now but sometimes I feel like it might be over very quickly so I have tried to pre-empt by iniitiating a break-up on more than one occasion - which isnt a good way to move forward. I feel like I have ups and downs with dating and the down periods can be very blue. Not sure, on my side, if the grief and my departed marriage has made me more "needy" or less confident but I am sure these major life experiences have something to do with it ! Having read your posts, you seem like a great person with alot to give and alot of spirit so just try to move forward with this. We can never control other people's actions but also there are many people in this big old wide world to meet and there are the "right" matches out there for all of us !

That must hurt...I'm sad when my son tries to play with the other Dads on the playground. Interesting that she is so perceptive to ask about a new daddy. My son is almost 4 but never mentions him...but knows who he is as I show him pics and video and talk about him.

I sometimes feel like I want to do something "crazy", just to feel something more than worry and grief, you know...that euphoric happy feeling. On my list: learn how to surf....see the Grand Canyon....dive in a shark cage

Oh - this would be awesome...like one of those sudden dance party things. A whole bunch of widows and widowers riding the NYC subway in their underwear, carrying a motto like "sometimes you just need to laugh at life". It would go viral on YouTube ....

MrsDan - Im so sorry that you are under so much pressure and unable to get a break. If this helps at all, it was my husband pushing us to have children (I wanted to wait) and I feel some days like I have been left with so much crap to deal with (even if I absolutely love my son, which I do). So I understand some of what you are going through with a young toddler - my son is 4 years old and we have had some minor development and behavioural issue with him that I have had trouble coping with. I dont know you personally, but from your posts you seem like a very good mother - just one that has alot to deal with, which wasnt fair to you. NONE of this is easy and this must be particularly hard as your daughter is being so clingy and you arent getting any breaks at all. I had some sleeping problems with my son once he switched from a crib to his big boy bed and I started sitting with him and letting him have a nightlight + listen to a children's story CD (I now own a bunch of different ones and he loves listening to them on his own at night and I dont need to stay in the room). I know children can get clingy (my son does) but I have had to be reluctantly tough on this issue as I have to work full time and do need a break once in a while to grieve but also keep my sanity. I have a regular caregiver for my son who has been working for me for almost 3 years and this stability has helped. He still cries to have his mum home sometimes (i.e. this morning as he has a cold and not feeling great) but he feels very comfortable with our nanny as well, which has taken some of the pressure off me in terms of being clingy. Although he sometimes initially fusses, hes just fine after a bit with is caregiver and as well his inlaws. I have also used new babysitters as backups and although he can initially put on a show about me not leaving, he is always fine and "over it" quickly. I know you will spend the time with your daughter to help her get through this period but this is also part of the process - weaning her off us as parents as they grow up. I wish I had some other better ideas for you but I hope the stuff I mentioned above helps even a little.

This is a tricky road to navigate. I admittedly started dating out of loneliness (but I was very isolated as we had moved to a new town 3 months before he died) but i also knew myself well enough + had a 9 mth old so waited 14 months before i joined my first online dating service. Honestly, because i wasnt looking to find true love at the beginning of the dating process - just wanted to meet a partner that I enjoyed spending time with, i had some fun with it. Tried dating different men from my usual type, took it easy. But its hard not to get attached to someone you meet and get those butterfies with. And, admittedly, dating takes work as its not always easy to find good matches. Even at 3 years out, I am still struggling with dating and trying to formulate a new relationshp - as a single mum and still missing parts of my married life. Yet i also feel dating has helped me in some ways to see who else is out there and start moving on in my life. I think gently getting into the dating scene when you feel you would like shake off your loneliness is not a bad thing but be findful of how it will make you feel to be out with someone else and take it SLOWLY. I have actually made some good male friends from it, for which I am thankful. Just take care of yourself, be mindful of who you date and if it makes you too upset after a first outing, take a step back and give yourself more time. I think its hard to be "fully" ready for a long time to date seriously, especially as we are grieving and some people are grieving long-term, happy marriages where they grew up essentially with their partner. Yet, I also think it has to do with your state of mind re: trying to move on + having a very understanding partner who can be supportive in the process. But also take this time to learn to be happy on your own and re-discover yourself - that is what I have been trying to do as I go and it has helped me too.

1) Off to a French wine party tonight - on my own : ) My inlaws are kindly babysitting. 2) My son has been an angel recently - his rapid development in speech really has helped with his prior frustration levels. 3) Great aerobics class this morning....

Chemie, I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I can tell from your prior posts how hard you have been working to get your life back on track. With 5 children, health issues etc. you have a lot on your plate and I feel disappointed for you that you aren't being fully included in your church. I don't think we as widows/widowers are imagining it - people treat us differently post widow as they don't want to deal with death or our grief. I think many of us on the board have experienced this and its so isolating. I have never been that religious so cant fully identify with the religious aspect of your post. But what I will say is that certain people in my community have encouraged me to turn to the church for comfort and, honestly, I cant. I don't believe in a greater plan, that I am being challenged by God etc. I just feel like I (like so many others) have been unlucky and committing myself to a greater power isn't going to help me. I can understand how others find comfort in their religious beliefs but I just don't. If anything, when my husband suddenly died and I was left in a community where I didn't know anyone alone with a 9 month old - I felt I was being punished (for what I didnt know), not "challenged". I am almost 3 years out too and for some reason have also recently struggled with my grief and just handling everything life is throwing at me. I have been working hard to be happy but its hard to get there on certain days. In terms of your reference to suicide, I think many of us have fleeting moments of feeling like this as sometimes it seems too much to cope with, alone. (But we wouldn't act on it). I just wanted to send support and express that I understand how you are feeling. I don't know if you want advice here but the way I am dealing with it is that I am just trying to push forward day by day. I asked my grief therapist the other day - "I am doing all the right things, why don't I feel better ? I just want to feel better". And she told me it was just about coping with the grief and working through it. So my coping involves dealing with all the things that I need to do as an adult one thing at a time, trying not to worry about things I have no control over, keeping busy with things I like to do (spending time with my son, exercise, filling up my social calendar), pouring out my emotions on here and with my grief therapist, excluding people in my life who are toxic but making new friendships or renewing friendships with people I want in my life, keeping close to my family and my inlaws. But I also take "time out" when I feel like it - i.e. taking time off work and just having a down day (when my son is with my nanny). There is no instant fix and I hope you can find your green lights again. Wishing you all the best and sending hugs from the U.S.

Im so very sorry. Keep venting here ! I have had real anger issues since losing my husband (also suddenly) in 2012 - I too feel sad but the anger I feel over his actions and the loss is brutal. I have tried to deal with this by going to a grief therapist and working out (ALOT!). I have also tried to focus on what makes me and my son happy and move forward as best we can. I found out a few things about my husband 4 months after he died, when I went through his email and FB (as I was looking for some of our correspondence) and that sent my grief and anger into another stratosphere. We had some really great parts of our marriage but it wasn't perfect and these findings were devastating. I also didn't want to dishonor his memory so I didn't tell my family or his family or most of our friends about what I discovered. And the ironic thing is that he died right at a period of time when our marriage was getting better and growing. And, the biggest issue is I cant confront him on what I found, get his side of the story and I cant fix it....ever. There is no closure on what could have been fixed so I understand and send support your way.

Good points - this keeps us going certainly. For me it has been: 1) My son (first and foremost) 2) My mother - who has been the most supportive out of anyone since this crazy thing happened. 3) My career - it has kept me busy and my mind busy.

Ahhh - we are human. Physical attraction is important to us and its part of the way we are made up. You are not shallow. I will say, though, that physical attraction is different for everyone (i.e. not everyone finds to same characteristics, attributes attractive) and I think certain personality qualities can make a person more or less attractive. When I started dating (14 months after widow), I tried a mini experiment. I started dating men that weren't necessarily who I found attractive (or weren't my "type") but had a million other great qualities. And you know what I figured out quickly ? That I couldn't get past dating someone I didn't find physically attractive. Im no model and do not date male models but I do find certain types of men attractive and I couldn't ignore that. I wish I could but I cant - physical attraction is important to me too.

1. Just returned home from 5 day getaway with Traderguy in Aruba. So relaxing.... 2. I am happy to be working at home today and able to see my son. 3. My application was accepted into the local boating club and it will be a fun place for my son and I to spend the summer, on the water !

I also LOVE to travel and I needed to get away after the sudden death of my husband in May 2012. I took a trip to London (UK) in Sept 2012 to visit a bunch of close friends (I lived there for 10 years) and family. It did me the world of good. In 2013, I took a trip to Japan and Malaysia with 2 girlfriends. I feel very fortunate that my two families have been so generous in providing babysitting coverage over those amazing trips.

Date clothes...that can be a tough one. If you want repeat wear, I would get the following - you can dress these up or down. 1)1) Nice pair of very dark jeans - skinny jeans if you feel comfortable wearing that fit. You can buy a few pretty, bright coloured tunic type tops to wear with them, or blouses. 2) 2-3 pairs of trousers that are neutral in color - i.e. black, tan. You can buy a pair that is between dressy and casual at a place like Ann Taylor or Loft. I like the straight leg ones but boot leg can be very flattering for certain figures. 3) Treat yourself to a couple of dressier blouses/shirts - I, for example, love the crossover type shirt - in jersey type material. Buy in basic colours (black, dark grey, blue) and then you can dress that up with a nice necklace (i.e. can buy very pretty inexpensive costume jewelry). I also own a few tops that are more blouse-like (ie made of silk or even polyester) that "drape" and I will wear with casual trousers. Will dress this up with a necklace and clutch (again, can be very inexpensive), 4) I personally like having a few basic dresses in my wardrobe and you can buy cotton/jersey wrap around dresses that are slightly more casual and are flattering. You can wear flats OR heels OR boots with any of these outfits.

..if you fill up the car and leave the gas tank off as you drive away. ..if you go to the store and forget why you went there. ...if you call your date by your husband's name by mistake (yes, I have done this) ...if you misplace all your important files ...if you cant remember any of your new neighbors names (even though you met them after the accident several times). ...if you cry over spilt milk. ...if you forget everybody's birthdays

I have actually enjoyed reading your posts and responses and feel you have great advice and wise insight. I also hope you stick around - I'm sorry you feel you want to depart the board.

I personally liked Saturday Night Widows, although would read this one a little further out. A Widows Walk-a Memoir of 9-11 - would also read this one later on. I personally liked I'm Grieving as Fast as I Can (in the beginning). The UnFaithful Widow (also a little further out).

Im so sorry....none of this is easy. I am almost 3 years out but do remember the pain of my first year as a sudden widow. The grief does change over time and it will get easier to deal with, although I know it must be so hard to see that now. Please be good to yourself, in any way you can - rest a lot, spoil yourself, let yourself grieve and get it out. Things that helped me get through the darker times were: seeing a grief therapist, connecting with other widows, keeping otherwise occupied (I took up all sorts of projects including working out, which help with the endorphins). Please take care and keep posting...to keep us updated.

1) I am surviving this long weekend alone despite a lot of things going wrong - son to emergency room, furnace leaking oil, me having to go to emergency Dr visit today. And am holding it together ok. 2) I leave for my mini-break on Wed....to Aruba with new guy. 3) My son and I are invited for dinner at a local friends tonight - so nice to get out of the house on a social event !

Quite by accident, I stumbled on this movie on Amazon Prime Video. Its a fictional story of a man and woman meeting - both who are grieving from different losses. It was a decent movie and what resonated with me in particular was the portrayal of the widow. In one scene, she mentions that she doesn't want her husband's death to define her. She also noted (and I have said something similar) that she goes through periods of starting to feel better but then the grief comes back - and she wonders why she cant just feel better, will it ever go away? Her father notes that the grief may not go away but over time it will be different. Movie was sad but happy as well so glad I watched it.

One question I continually ask myself in relation to the initial post is - how much should we expect a new man (or partner) in our lives to support us in our grief ? Lets face it, this doesn't go away quickly and its onset can be rather unexpected and its not rational. Should I expect a man to be more sympathetic and let me cry on his shoulder about my dead husband and the loss of my married life ? I don't know...I think that is asking too much for a lot of men (or women for that matter). The man I am dating is very supportive about me talking about my husband, my "old" life and doesn't feel threatened in any way but he struggles with my grief and cant deal very well. I have also found this in prior dating relationships too. I depend on this Board, my mother and my grief therapist for my grief. Maybe with the "right" person, I wouldn't be asking these questions? I don't know what is realistic to expect another person to deal with. I am almost 3 years out and when I hit a rough patch, its not great, feel depressed, withdraw, cry a lot....much like others on this Board I suspect. I think its great Momtojandj that you can be open with your new guy and talk openly about your grief.