Captains wife

I'm so sorry. While it is good your husbands company made an important change, it should have been done sooner. Life really isn't fair sometimes. Please take care of yourself, none of this is easy and the sudden loss is such a shock. i lost my husband suddenly in a boating accident and he was working - when I approached the company about some safety changes, they totally slammed the door in my face. Re. Sleeping, even at 3 years out I still sometimes can't sleep but I remember how hard sleep was in the first years too. I tried a few things - working out earlier, relaxation yoga, meditation tapes, melatonin. Wishing you all the best,

Can I just say - I am bloody exhausted, worn out. Between my full time job, my 4 year old (who isnt sleeping through the night right now + I am driving him to Boston literally every weekend to see my inlaws), my extra curricular activities (including my volunteer work) and trying to socialise (including dating) as well as trying to keep in shape is getting to be too much ! I just want to stay in bed for 3 days and do nothing.....and no one on the outside world has much sympathy.....including work people. I am also SICK of listening to married people tell me how busy their lives are.

Uuggh - I hear you. My 4 year old son has started really missing his Dad and his school is doing stuff for Father's Day...this isnt going to help. Last year I had a nice social outing for Father's Day, this year I am with my son alone at home so trying to decide whether to do anything special. Its just brutal....

Doing all this alone (and you have ALOT on your plate) IS stressful - whine away ! I lose it over things all the time re: major decisions, smaller decisions but its not surprising. My LH and I also talked about everything and not having your spouse in your life to bounce it off of and support you is really tough. Take a step back and realise how great you are doing in this Chapter 2 and everything you are juggling. As well as posting on here, maybe find other outlets to channel the stress (it needs to go somehwere!) like exercise, just alone time for you (if possible). People we are dating I think (at least in my case) dont fully understand what single parenting widow-dom is like and although they try and be helpful, it can just piss us off. Wishing you all the best,

Congratulations ! I love reading posts like this....happiness "on the other side". Thank you for posting this - posts like this give me hope for the future : )

I've been there many times so sorry you are feeling down. But smart to have organized sangria : ) I am now the only single parent with a single child in my neughbourhood and my son is almost 4 so is in bed pretty early. I am still in the house my husband and I bought together as I can't face moving and lately had been really missing him. I lost him suddenly in a boating accident and everything felt so unfinished. These days I have been taking the opposite tack and keeping us so busy I barely have time to sit down - organizing a few outings in advance has helped me get through those weekends or even taking my son out for dinner or now at least we can walk the neighbourhood since the weather is better. And I do take time out for non mother time so I can mingle with adults - am lucky to have my In-laws and nanny help. But it's certainly a lonely life sometimes...I miss those nights too where you just sit around and chat with your spouse post the kids going to bed, have a few drinks, chatting about the day, the future. I so get it. Wishing you all the best - where is divorced neighbor : ) ?

Travel is good for the soul - see you on the East Coast I hope : ) Sounds like a fab trip for both of you

Agreed. Firstly, it so interesting what triggers reminders of who we lost. For me, it can be odd things sometimes - like seeing his favorite food at the grocery store. I also hope so too re: Biden's speech ending. There are fleeting moments when I have positive memories that make me smile but still at 3 years out I still feel very sad when I think about the loss of my husband and my son's dad. Cant WAIT until I am in that place.

Sorry MissingSquish - honestly that just sucks. But for a while this person has not seemed to be the best match for you plus he has shown to be unreliable. However, the first break up post widow can be brutal - I have been there. It feels raw, intensely difficult to seperate yourself from this person as you probably opened up to him and also "felt" something again. It is disappointing, frustrating and sad. I think post breakup from my first relationship, I had to take 2 sick days from work (VERY out of character for me) plus I thought I was going to throw up when I saw him on OKC just a day later. But I promise you, you will feel better as time goes on from this - just keep busy and remember you are a great person with alot to offer and the right person will appreciate that !! Its easy to say take a hiatus from dating, but I also understand the loneliness and wanting to move forward. Just take it in babysteps.. and keep it light for now if you do keep dating.

First of all, I am so sorry you are dealing with this on top of everything else in your life! Dating and parenthood is so tough, especially when the children can't accept the change. I've had fleeting moments of thought where I think I should give up dating - my situation is very different from yours but I am dealing with a young child that is starting to recognize his Dad is gone forever and is desperate to fill that void. At the same time, things have been getting more serious with someone I am dating and he is starting to be in my sons life. But given I am still unsure about this guy I am really still keeping a lot of space between the two. For your situation, your son does sound as if he is struggling which is understandable but he is also old enough that he should learn to control himself. So I have two minds about your situation - firstly, even as a mother you are "allowed" to move on with your life and you are the adult and should be dictating your life decisions. Dating in the shadows isn't fair to you and your new guy and doesn't directly deal with your son's issues. I feel as though your son is just going to have to learn to adapt and control his behavior. On the other hand, I feel that your son is hurting so badly and can't stand to see you dating but I think more therapy and you two talking it out will help- even if it's a long road. And from your end, maybe trying to blend families (even if it was just a party) is too much for your son to handle right now so having new guy and his kids around will need to be tapered back for now. Find ways too maybe to keep showing him you miss his father and all of you are honoring his memory. I'm so sorry this is such a difficult transition for both of you and I wish I had more wisdom to share with you - sending widow hugs your way.....

Honestly, I am surprised this doesn't happen more. Naturally you would gravitate to someone that has some semblance of your LH. It seems you two have a connection and mutual respect for each other - and you are being smart about how you are dealing with the aftermath. Keep us posted, I also hope things might work out for two if that's what you both want.

Love it !

Just passed year 3 this past weekend....feel I am in a better place than year two but my life and the future does seem uncertain. Alot of people keep telling me how great I look and how well I seem to be doing but I still feel sad and lonely inside. But I do know that time will continue to help. All the best,

Maureen, I loved seeing the pics on FB of you graduating. Such an accomplishment and even with everything that happened you kept going and completed your 2nd degree. It is completely unfair that you have to live this new part of your life without John but I was happy to read what a positive influence he had on your life (and you on his). And yes you deserve all the happiness in the world.

I feel as though I have ALOT of online dating experience so will chime in here - and I also am not into men who are too forward on this topic, too quickly. I feel as though there are different pools of men out there - those that so obviously want sex and that is their priority and others who also want it but would also like a relationship attached. I feel as though the men who are into just finding a new sex partner make their true colors shown VERY quickly. I think some sexy remarks or flirting is great but some men just take it too far, too quickly. And I personally keep away from those ones as I am looking for more than just a fling. Use your judgement - I find filtering via a phone call works wonders as sometimes things can get miscontrued via text. But if men are asking for nude shots, making nasty comments up front, block them immediately and move on. There are lots of gentlemen out there !

This was helpful to read. I do feel as though I have a complicated social life....thank you !

Thank you !! This day is always tough, as is May given this is the month of Mothers Day, my sadiversary and my wedding anniversary. But I am thankful my mother has flown to MA to spend the week with my son and I and we have planned to go to a Mother's Day brunch + work on my garden today. My son and his nanny also put together a thoughtful present which my 4-year son presented this morning by saying "Happy Mother's Day!" Plus my sister send us flowers and my MIL gave me a spa certificate. My late husband spoiled me so much on our first Mother's Day (trip to spa in limo) - I miss that....but I am thankful for what I do have as well. Wishing everyone a peaceful, lovely day - even though I know its hard.

Wow - people are insensitive...it is a beautiful article and a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing with us and I will "help set the record straight",

Problem is lack of sleep is a hard on the mood....I have suffered alot from insomina since I think about everything WAY to much. I have tried to following: Relaxation yoga before bed Listening to meditation CDs Working out during the day so feel very tired by bed time (earlier, if I work out too late that has the opposite effect) Getting up early in the AM so get tired around the time my son goes to bed (i.e. 8PM) Melatonin (but honestly this didnt do much)

Good for you re: your attitude and moving forward. This is NOT easy ! I like to read positive stories on here, it is inspiring. Love your comment "Loving this new life"....I am almost at 3 years too.....

I am not sure what to do so I am posting this thread to hear other's experiences on this. I have become a very emotional, sensitive person since my husband died suddenly almost 3 years ago - before this, I was definately a tempermental person (any of my boyfriends or my late husband would attest to this) but now my emotions just take over on occasion and I cry at the drop of the hat or lose my cool over little things. The funny thing is underneath it all, I am a rational person and I am self reflective so I can undertand when sometimes "it is me..." and I do try and take a step back and analyze both sides of the situation so I can be fair to the other person. But I am having trouble dealing with these emotional rollercoasters while dating. If I am having an issue with the person I am dating, I know I should just sit down and rationally talk to him but I am finding this difficult. So these days, I tend to say to the person why I am upset but then I retreat to my "woman cave" for quite a while because I feel my emotions get the better of me and I "shut down". But I have more recently asked for time when this happens so I can have time to process my emotions (i.e. I tell him I will be in touch soon) and then try speak with him about what is bothering me when I feel less emotional, more rational. But sometimes I feel I cant talk to him at all so just let the issue slide and tell him nothing is bothering me. I am not sure this is good - and seems childish on my part. Also, part of the problem is that I dont know if what is driving this emotional rollercoaster is my grief, our relationship or both. I am not looking for advice on my relationship but maybe how to better handle my actions/emotions. They really feel out of control sometimes, and what I think is over really small things or things where if we talked about it (rationally) they could be easily resolved. I have been trying to avoid meds (I havent taken anything since my husband died) but maybe I need to re-consider. I go to the gym, see a grief therapist...not sure what else to do at this point?

Love reading posts like this. So happy to hear things are going well and you two are enjoying your time together. Better than worrying about the future...even though hard not to sometimes. But seems like you two are on the same page...lovely.

After a busy day of gym and errands and gardening with my 4yr old, I had homemade pizza at 5pm and now watching bad TV in my flannel nightgown and can't wait until bedtime! After bath and bed time for my son (soon!), I am all set to watch some Patrick Swazy movie in bed. Doesn't get any more exciting than this ! Oh and splurged and had 2 fudge cookies to make self feel better....

Yes, don't feel bad about your actions - you have been through a lot and May is now upon us as is your 3rd year sadiversary. I hate advice from people who haven't lost anyone (like a spouse) as they really don't understand how long the grief lingers for. Please don't feel bad for revealing too much too soon - think we have all done it, and in fact I think I tell most people I am a widow....It helps me to talk about it. And remember you have worked hard to move on and maintain a very good attitude but as my grief therapist has pointed out to me several times - the missing someone and grief just doesn't "go away" even if you are "doing everything right". A break up with your bf doesn't help - I think I stayed home sick for two days and wept for weeks after my first "boyfriend" and I went our separate ways. Missing our late spouses isn't going to go away, even if we meet someone we click with but I hear you on being tired of it. Maybe take a quick hiatus from dating ? I found sometimes if I pushed through and kept dating when I was in my "down" phases, it wasn't helpful. Having been through it recently too, this "down" phase is tiring, upsetting but it will go away with time and I hope you feel better soon. The only advice I can give is to keep in touch, keep posting, keep your social calendar busy with people who are "good" for you right now and keep busy generally as well as pamper yourself ! Focus your energy on other things that make you happy right now and then maybe get back into dating once you feel the fortitude for it - as we all know, its not easy re-coupling but it will happen for us eventually.

Firstly, congratulations again on your cohabitation ! This new man obviously knows what a great person you are and feels so lucky to have met you - thus his great enthusiasm. Like you, I feel I want to do certain things differently in my next relationship since I feel I learned so much from losing someone so suddenly - your new guy is so fortunate to have met someone with such self awareness and compassion...many people don't ever get there. In terms of the subdued excitement, I think this is understandable - you are still in a young relationship, while still grieving the loss of a long-term, solid, happy one. So many things are different this time around too and it will take a while to build up that history and solid relationship framework. I think we all have been through so much that a lot of us don't have those expectations of the giddy feelings over all the firsts that we may have had the first time around (I know that applies for me at least). It is fabulous, however, that you met someone so compatible that you two want to share a living space and its clear this man is emotionally open and available for you - good for this time in your Chapter 2 and not easy to find out there. Wishing you all the best,