imissdow

Felt like crap today think I'm getting a cold really wanted to crawl in bed and spend the day there. Instead I went to work came home did dinner and just got home from our evenings activities. I can now go to bed and stay there until the alarm rings and I get to do it all again. Happy happy Joy Joy. The life of a solo parent. Hoping tomorrow is a better day.

So I find myself in a interesting(For me) situation. Let me say from the get go I'm not interested in debating my faith/belief system. As I type this it might come out sounding like that. I was raised in the John Westley tradition different churches that all had teaching stemming from him. I now attend a non-denominational church and I have attended there for 16 years. Everything I thought I was sure of has been rocked by the death of my DH and all the assorted stuff that has happened since . I am sure there is a GOD who has put things in motion so this world works. I'm also sure that he is involved in our lives and makes/causes things to happen. So I find myself these days rather Pissed with him. From where I sit it seems like he is doing a pretty lousy job. I totally get that stuff happens to everyone, Good, bad, everyone dies eventually. We don't get to choose a lot of what happens in our lives. Control is a illusion that allows us to function and feel safe. But it is just a illusion. However belief in a GOD who is in control of things throws a monkey wrench into things. Because then things happen for a reason and not random chance. I've pretty much given up on the idea of ever understanding why GOD allowed my DH to get sick and die. However different stuff has happened in the last couple of years that I also don't understand. So I now have a bunch of WTF questions floating around in my head. I don't seem to be able to rid myself of them. In a lot of ways what I used to think no longer works. Yet I haven't found anything that works better. So were to got from here? I can't just stop believing in God there is why to much proof that I see over and over for me to do that. I also see to much proof in a God that is involved in my life to believe that he doesn't care. I do however wonder what the heck he's thinking most of the time because it just doesn't make any kind of sense to me. I do realize that some of you are probably thinking a pastor or a priest might be a good choice for answers however I have done that and they didn't have answers for me either. Someone told me that this is were faith comes in to play. However Faith is believing in something you can't see, touch or feel. I have plenty of faith but no answers. I have waited and waited hoping that at some point I would begin to understand.. 4 1/2 years later I still don't understand any of it. I am a different person then I was 4 years ago. Better, worse I don't know it would probably depend on who you asked. I have thought about just chucking the whole church thing however that doesn't exactly work for me either. I have raised my 3 kids to believe the same things I do/did. I guess I did a good job in that regard because they are all very active and involved in our church and community. It would totally pull the rug out from under them if I just decided to quit church all together. So I feel rather stuck. I can't say I'm unhappy with my church. I still have friends, people I care about, I just don't get much out of it. So anyone out there that has figured out a way to come to grips with all of this? My life is so much better then it was a couple of years ago. However this seems to be were I'm currently stuck. I keep coming back to it and I really want to be done.

I had my DH evaluated last year. Told her this was to help the teacher figure out how to teach her. She is very smart does well at math but was reading 2 years below grade level. She is almost 10 now and in the 4th grade. Best choice I made. almost a year later and she still struggles with reading but is now only a year behind. I worked with her over the summer I used the Davis method for her. It took awhile at first and we are still working at it little by little. I also went into the school and after several conferences they came up with a plan that seems to be working for her. They incorporated a little of what I was doing and some other ideas. It's been a really hard, painful and frustrating process and the end is still not in sight. I do however see progress and that is making it worthwhile. I'm not sure were you are but here in the states once you put your request in writing the school has 90 school days to get the testing done and a written report in your hands. In my case it took just over a month.

The biggest problem I seem to have is coming up with a consequences that are painful enough to do the job. Turning off the hot water is a great idea. If it's doable. missing a shower would be another good idea. In our house the last person in the shower usually got a cold shower. I told the girls if their showers took to long and I therefore had no hot water left then they would be the last one in the shower next time and I would make sure there was no hot water left. that worked pretty well and my girls figured out times on their own that they could have more time in the bathroom. We have 1 shower for 4 of us. So one of the girls usually takes a shower shortly after getting home and one right before bed. As far as the dishes. I am the first one up in the morning 5:15. I also head to bed sometimes before the 19yo does. If chores aren't done and I wake up to find them undone the offending party gets woken up and they do them first thing in the morning. I have been known to get up earlier if I suspect a chore won't be done. This has worked pretty well as my girls don't normally crawl out of bed till 6:30. I leave for work at 6:15. They are typically done by then. I have yet to figure out how to get them to keep their rooms clean. Any suggestions on how to keep my kids from fighting over the tv and seats on the couch. I have a couch and a love seat and both girls seem to think they have the right to one of their own. 3 kids 2 couches it never seems to work. The youngest is usually the odd man out. They don't fight with me I'll just unhook the internet and that makes the house a blackhole were nothing works and then I have the living room to myself,

I'm in my teen is now 19 but being that she still lives at home I could really use a sounding board and some ideas about what to do with her.

I feel your pain. I still have 2 teens at home the older one finally graduated and just informed me that she is not planning on returning to the community college she has been enrolled in this semester. I suspect she has been blowing off her classes for the last month. We had a discussion about what will happen now that she plans on living here and not attending school. she was slightly miffed at what is coming for her. I however don't plan on her living with me forever and if she gets miffed enough she might just move out. She was warned several times so none of this should be a shock. Back when my older was 15 and the middle one 12 I had a therapist that came to our house. She taught me a lot about why kids do what they do and how to encourage better behavior. We actually used a sticker chart and reward system with both older girls and it worked really well in getting rid of some really toxic behaviors. The other nice part about the whole program is that even with the goals being to get rid of bad behavior it also rewarded what they were doing right. We put a couple of thing you that they typically did well just for some positive strokes every day. Rob if your interested I can give you lots more details. I don't use this anymore however it worked really well and the behaviors I was trying to get rid of are no longer a issue. In fact the middle kid who used to be the worse is now for the most part on track and does really well.

don't have a lot of advice. I have dated several guys but my kids have only actually met a couple of them and only once was it actually planned. I tend to be pretty open with my girls about what I'm doing and with whom. However knowing a name and actually meeting are 2 totally separate things. I did briefly date a guy who wouldn't even answer the phone if he was with his kid. Honestly it kind of bothered me, not that I really wanted to intrude on his time with his son. He however had no qualms about calling when he knew I would be busy with my girls. I did realize pretty quickly that I didn't like his keeping us in totally separate spaces with no plans on his part to include me or my kids in anything involving his son. I also dated a guy for several months and never met his daughter, that however never really bothered me. He did share pictures and events she was involved in and I was pretty sure in time I would have met her. I would be extremely hesitant to have sleepovers. I have 2 older teens and a almost 10 year old. They are way to aware of everything and I would need to be extremely secure in my relationship before I would even consider that. At this point it seems that won't be a issue anytime soon. I do have a couple really good single guy friends, one of who I still date casually. My girls have met them and are not the least bit bothered by them. I fact they see them regularly in social situations and are comfortable enough with them to start a conversation. I don't introduce my girls to guys I date but for what ever reason these guys have stuck around long enough to meet and even become friends with my girls. I did not plan or encourage any of this it just kind of happened naturally.

So I have been struggling with this decision for almost a year. I love my house. My Dh and I rehabbed the whole thing. Ripped walls down to the studs put in new wiring , insulted and dry walled every room. We spent a lot of time and money here. My girls want to move. The schools when we moved her were decent. they now have a D rating. The neighborhood was quiet with no crime 12 years ago. Now I can't leave anything unlocked or It may not be here when I get back. It's time. I have a appointment with a Realtor on Thursday for a value on my house and such. I'm hoping I can get what I need to get the type of new home that I want. I have chosen a new area for us, one with basically no crime, a decent yet much smaller school , a lot more rural , yet still has a grocery store but no traffic lights,and a commute that is less then 30 minutes. I have had about my fill of ethnic diversity for awhile. For what ever reason here it seems to translate into racial tension/hostility more then anything else and I'm tired of it. I want out of the city if I could find a new job I would never come back. 20 years ago when I bought my first home I loved this city. I'm finding the idea of leaving my house to be harder then I expected. I met my DH shortly after buying this place and we spent our lives together here. I want to leave this neighborhood but not this house. My stomach is in knots. I haven't slept thru the night in a week. I know in my head that I'm making the right choice but I'm really scared. My friend all tell me I should have made this move a few years ago. They are probably right however that information is hardly helpful. Home values are going down and I would really like out before I have to walk away with nothing. Last time I sold/bought a house I lost 20 lbs. I really don't like the I'm so nervous/scared I can't eat diet. I'm also not looking forward to a new 30 year loan. I was down to less then 10 years. Even if I can get more then I'm expecting I still expect end up with a 30 year mortgage any less is not affordable for me and the houses I'm looking at are very modest. I know I'm making the right choice but that doesn't mean it's easy. In my life it seems like the right choices are very hard.

All the guys I have dated have asked about my kids. Usually on a first or second date it's just how many kids, how old are they, what grade are they in and some general what do you guys do as a family type questions. If a guy takes to much interest in my girls I start to wonder, however I would also wonder if he wasn't interested at all. I didn't like it at all when they were pushy about meeting them, that was a huge red flag for me. My girls all know that I date and have even met a couple of the guys I have dated, however I have only ever had one guy spend a evening with us as a family. We had been dating about 3 months at that point and I still wonder if I rushed that.

Sounds like a good decision. hope things go smoothly and your house sells quickly.

I so get this. I used to be a General manager. I was good at it. When I had kids I switched jobs and started delivering freight. I'm good at this also. Used to pay more then the first and I worked less hours. I also did the books for my DH's construction company and helped out there as needed. He died I closed up the construction company. My boss at my delivery company is horrified at my I don't give a darn attitude. However I show up every day and do my job so he really doesn't complain much. I tell him I'm not the least bit interested in any more work. That drives him crazy and isn't earning me any brownie points. I keep thinking at some point I will care again but at 4 1/2 years it really looks doubtful.

I'm not in the education field at all however I have 2 older girls. Oldest DD was in pre-algebra in 6th and 7th grade. Then most kids were in all the same classes. If their skills were low then they had a reading class otherwise they weren't "tracked" until about 8th grade or so they told me. My Middle DD took Pre-algebra in 6, algebra in 7th . They had a advanced science class that she got in at some point. From what I can tell they mix the kids up pretty well. My middle DD tells me the ap classes are better because the kids pay attention more and cause less problems. However they didn't start till high school.

Thanks for all the replies. I have talked to him about going up to his shop so he can teach me how to make sausage. So that has yet to be scheduled but he mentioned it last time I talked to him. So I will make a trip eventually. I probably would have made a trip out to his shop already if he lived closer. He is out in the sticks, about 40 minutes from me and nowhere I would go unless I was coming to see him. I think this is part of the reason we haven't gotten together in so long. One of us needs to have a couple of hours to drive to do anything. I have never been anywhere near were he lives. He however comes do this way fairly often but typically when I'm at work. So we will see. If I can actually find some time alone to talk to him I will probably mention the conversation I had with his DD. Either way I still have a really good friend and he delivers fresh meat to me when ever I need it.

I'm usually done by Saturday night. I love my kids but... Next weekend I have a extra one. My youngest is having a friend over. I'm with too soon I will now pay someone to do stuff I or my DH used to do. We also eat out more then we used to and my house is messier. I don't really care or at least that's what I keep telling myself. My girls went to camp for a week this summer. I had a whole list of things I was going to get done. I did nothing but sit on the couch and watch a whole season of NCIS, It was a great week. 2 months later the list still isn't done. I threw it out , my house is still standing and my kids are alive and well. nothing on that list is all that important.

Sounds like you handled yourself with more grace and class then I did in similar situations.I seem to recall looking at the cookie mom at one point and making some sort of comment about her believing a 5yo over a grown adult. I swore it was over after that and I now volunteer in areas that keep me away from the masses. Hope your travel mug helped. I got out of trick or treat this year and consider myself lucky.

Today was a pig roast fund raiser for my Middle DD to go to Africa next summer to work in a bio-filter factory and to dig wells for clean drinking water. She needs to raise around $4500. She has been accepted into the program and this was her first event. It went great she is has about 1/3 of her money raised. The guy who roasted the pig for us is a good friend of mine and he donated all the meat. I have gone on 3 dates with him in the spring until his business got really busy. We still talk every week and I call him regularly. I got to spend some time with his youngest daughter (A) today. A came to help serve. Anyways I got to talk quite a bit with her. A told me I should make a trip up to the shop and leave my youngest with her so " you and Dad can go out for lunch or something" I told her that dad and I not spending time together was really her dads choice, and my 2 older kids where pretty good babysitters. He is always working and has turned down the last several suggestions I have made to get together. A told me Dad has been like that for ever and that "he is really very fond of you" This just seems to put me in a weird place. For starters A is only about 10 years younger then me, he is 13 year older then me. So I feel more like I'm talking to a peer. Her kids are just a few years younger then mine and that's weird also. She seems to really like me and I'm good with that. However I am totally out of my element here. I didn't expect her to be encouraging me to spend time with her dad. This is all really weird for me. I really like her dad. He has been the first guy I have spent time with that feels really relaxed and comfortable with. Yet we aren't a couple, don't know if that will ever happen and I'm good with that. It's just all very different then anything else and I'm not quite sure what to think about all of this.

I was in the car with my 3 DD's and my sister. The kids started telling me what there plans were when my sister and I die. She was a little creep-ed out. Me not so much. They told us we are to be cremated I will be put with my DH. My sisters ashes will be scattered at various Dunkin Donuts, her favorite coffee spot.

Any post that has playboy neighbor in the title catches my eye. I need someone to live veraciously thru. Glad you had a good time.

I was asked to share my story via video for a sermon series were doing at church called hope rising. The guy who shot my video did a fabulous job editing to make me sound more concise and well spoken than I actually am. I was asked to focus on being a single parent and how I have found hope in a difficult situation. So I thought I would share it here in hopes that someone could find some encouragement and maybe a see a different view of their own journey. This was shot for my church but really doesn't have much in the way of religion in it at all. https://www.dropbox.com/s/mj2px1w1asn02o1/Susan%20Pletcher%20Story%20v2.mp4?dl=0

For some reason ,boredom maybe, I went on line the other week. Got a message, one from a guy I had 2 dates with 2 years ago. On the second one he asked me for some details on my DH's death and I actually cried. I never heard from him after that although I have seen him several times. He attends my church. Not sure why he contacted me if he wanted to talk he knows where to find me every Sunday. Got another message from a guy who has at least 2 profiles or maybe a evil twin. I got messages from both profiles a couple of days apart. So I did reply as he appears to be someone I could at least do something with. I find it interesting that I have yet to receive a reply. Not that it really matters. I went out on 3 dates back in the spring with a guy I really like. He owns a business and is super busy so we haven't gotten together since. I do talk to him semi regularly and he does return calls. It's just a shame he's so busy because I really enjoyed him. Yet I also know that I would never be happy with a guy who's top priority is always his job.

Thanks mike, these days I'm feeling like I need a guy to speak up for me. To often when a gal tells a guy he's out of line he doesn't take it seriously and I'm about tired of being told I'm over reacting. As far as the boss goes I wouldn't be surprised if somehow my DD started this whole line of talk. She doesn't do it around me she knows it would bother me. She however works with bio-dad and he seems to think this is normal conversation no matter how many times I tell him he's out of line. She is the only kid that still talks to him and I don't know how much longer that will last. She now ignores him more often then not.

I use what I have come to call the index card system. I have index cards that I write down my month bills/ budget on separated by paychecks. So every week I pull out the correct week and pay the bills noted on the card. This works really well for the most part. I also have a spot on for savings and for things that don't come up every month. I actually write a check and deposit this money in a separate account at a different bank. That way if for some reason I need this money I actually need to plan on getting it. I do have a check book for this account but I never carry it with me. I also take out a set amount of money every week. For the longest time I would give myself a allowance and if I stuck to it I would have enough to buy myself what ever I wanted for lunch on Friday. It worked really well for a long time. In part because I knew if I really wanted a treat to eat I knew I could get it Friday. I really need to get back to this, My hours changed at work and it has been hard to adjust.

My 18yo DD came home from work and told me what her boss had said about me. He said I'm a MILF. Now just for the record my ex, her bio-dad who also works there has referred to me in the same manner. This doesn't seem to bother her at all. I however find it highly inappropriate and offensive. Now I realize that others have probably thought the same thing however I have never actually had my DD tell me about it. I asked one of my guy friends if I come off in a manner that would suggest that I would be ok with this label. He assures me it's not how I present myself but he also told me he is not surprised that someone said that. I have over the years had other people tell me as much in many different ways. Heck one guy actually had the guts to ask what I charge, I told him I was way more then he could afford. So am I being overly sensitive? Maybe this real problem is I heard it from my DD, after all I would never have had such a conversation with my mom. I feel like I have just been made a object and that really bothers me. Not that I really think that guys look and me and think what a great personally. Or maybe these guys think their paying me a complement. I just don't get it.

I would let him go. I like the idea of dropping them off and picking them up or, maybe you can let him go with his friends and then pick him up after. I would have a discussion about what will happen if you find out or do a drug test and it's positive for any restricted products. I went to a few concerts as a teen and never did drugs or drank and both were available if I had wanted. Were we live there is no smoking of anything in a public place so If he did get a buzz it would need to be a choice.

This happens with my DD all the time. Yesterday she came home upset because she had a headache and the nurse told her she had to do something quiet during recess. The headaches I suspect are caused by the effort she has to put into doing school work. She is dyslexic and reads on a first grade level. She is mainstreamed and only goes to get help with reading. So the best thing for her headaches would be to play and do anything that doesn't require her to concentrate. Yet because a adult told her to sit quietly that's what she did. I will be telling her that recess is her time to do whatever she wants and the nurse will never know. She doesn't exactly run around a lot anyways. Last year she was on the last bus to leave school meaning she didn't get home until almost 5. Yet she was not allowed to work on her homework until she left school because "It's Suppose to be done at home" If that happens this year I might just need to pick a fight. I have grown to hate homework and its not even mine.