imissdow

I have discovered the farther out I get the more people assume I'm divorced. It annoys me sometimes but mostly I just don't care. So they also assume I don't have money. However I have met my share of guys that consider themselves reasonably well off. I have been accused of being a gold digger, I found this surprising being that I had/have no clue of their net worth or sometimes even last name and I wasn't doing any chasing. The one guy who came right out and accused me of this also told me before we even went out that if we ended up in a long term relationship I could expect nothing when he died. What a way to make a impression. Thanks for telling me were I stand before you even know me. I've been paying my own way for years.

So as I log on to Facebook today a memory comes up. 6 years ago my LH had surgery that was suppose save his life. I had posted that he was in icu but was doing fine with clear lines and clean lymph nodes. The best outcome we could ask for. He died just under 10 months later. Curses Facebook!!

I think it's great that you do this. Today I ran a 5k for a kid from my church that is battling cancer. I feel fortunate that my running keeps me in shape and helps support and benfit those I love. I think it's great that you do this I'm sure it's hard. (Hugs) and way to go!

My LHs best friend has become one of my best friends over the years. We talked before LH died but afterwards it got different. He's a great guy, he's also married. A few years ago he started telling me he missed talking to me and invited me to lunch. I declined. I felt pretty close to him in part because he reminded me of LH. We could talk and laugh and he was comfortable talking about LH. We are still friends but we cut our contact down. I now talk to him 5-7 times a year for just 15 mins at a time. We both care a lot for each other as friends. The biggest thing we still have in common is love and history with LH. I guess what I'm trying to say is this. Are you attracted to this guy because he's comfortable talking about Jack? Is he in some way shape or form a replacement for Jack ? Sex touches our soul differently then other things and sometimes masks our true thoughts and feelings. Grief is a sneaky thing. I have found myself making choices not realizing that I'm doing them out of pain and hurt. It's much better if you can make those choices out of a place of strength. That's sometimes really hard to do.

I had a similar dream when I first started dating. Didn't know what to think. Seemed to me my brain was trying to make sense out of my situation. Still loving my LH and being single. At some point it went away. I watched the princess bride last night. It's one of my favorite movies. Last night I saw it different. Buttercup is talking to Wesley. He has returned after 5 years of being assumed dead. It just kind of put into words the confusion I seemed to face at that point. My new favorite line. "Death doesn't kill true love, it just delays it for awhile"

I wore mine for about 7 months. Then I took it off and wore LHs ring on my right hand for a good 18-24 months. 5 years out and I've considered having them made into something I would wear again. My grandmother lost my grandfather when she was almost 60. She wore her ring untill she died. I remember seeing that some had there's made in to a pendant his ring was the outside hers was a heart inside. There is no right or wrong wear it as long as you like, however you like.

So very sorry. Wish I had more to say you and your girls are in my prayers.

I would tell her with few details. My youngest DD is now 10. Her father spent so time in jail, was a addict before I met him. She knows this. We have talked about him making poor choices and how I hope she won't do the same. We have also talked about how much it messed up his life and how much he regretted his choices and how hard it was for him to change. I once asked a therpist why kids repeat their parents mistakes/ poor choices even as the parent has moved past it. She told me it was because it was never spoken about. I have no idea if this is true. However I have tried to be as honest as possible and still honor him as the great guy he was.

I totally agree nonesuch. We all make choices as to what we want and what is acceptable. I have refused a few dates with guys who have little kids. After raising 3 kids mostly by myself I really don't desire to start over. I don't think that makes me selfish or anything else. It's just a choice I've spent 20 years with kids at this point and still have always to go, I don't want to start over. Thanks for all the thoughts and replys. I think my middle DD nailed it a few weeks ago when she said" He has some sort of idea that he's going to slide into a perfect happy family. We are far from perfect."

I was in the mist of rehabbing my house when LH died. We had a long range plan if what needed done and would redo one room a year. He was a master carpenter so we were doing all the work ourselves. So when he died I decided I would finish my house. I hired his best friend and a couple years later the house was done. I felt great for a bit then started thinking what do I do now? It took me quite awhile to figure out some new long range goals and to be honest sometimes it still feels like I'm working towards nothing. Is this widow related, I doubt it. I'm pretty sure I would have had the same problem even if LH had been alive. I have started taking kickboxing, I take dance classes and I now run. I also have taken a couple of trips to Mexico to build houses for families that live there. I simply asked myself is there anything I wish I had done when I was younger or that I felt I had missed out on. As a kid I begged to take dance classes so I signed up for that. Building houses came from a discussion I had with LH when he was alive. It was something we had talked about doing together. The kickboxing just sounded interesting so I thought I would give it a shot. I found out it was fun even as I can hardly keep up with my classmates who are 20+ years younger. Hope you can figure out how to fit something into your schedule. I don't do any of my activities as often as my teachers would like however it's still fun for me.

Sadly I am going to be unable to come. I over committed myself. I have a service project in the morning then I get to drive to New York to work all day Sunday. I will miss all of you. It has been to long!

The past week has been rough. My middle DD A has some anxiety issues. On Tuesday of this week A had a meltdown. Starting at a new school, working and several hours of dance class left her without much free time. A also has some anxiety about the guy I was dating. She was polite to him but really didn't like him very much. So because of all of this she made some poor choices, got mouthy with me and ended up with losing her phone ,car keys and doing some chores. She also had to walk to school because she couldn't drive. NG told me several times that my girls always get what they want and I need to say no. I however say no plenty and I think my kids are pretty well behaved. So last night we were talking about my kids again, he repeated his thoughts. I told him I had a discussion with my A about him and why she doesn't care for him. He reminds her of bio-dad who I divorced when she was 18 months old. I asked her for some examples and she gave me 4-5. A couple of these are things that could easily be changed and that NG and I had talked about before. He buys small presents almost everytime he sees us. I had told him this wasn't necessary and asked him to stop. She felt like he was trying to buy her affection. He agreed with her assessment of him. Told me he couldn't change who he was. He then told me he wasn't going to see me any more. Told me he was amazed that I would let a 17yo run my life. I was shocked! I wasn't breaking up with him rather I was trying to help him understand A. He had told me before that he's never had a kid not like him before. im amazed that a guy broke up with me because my 17yo didn't like him, or maybe that was just a good excuse.

Thanks so much for all the thoughts. Had a couple long chats with NG this weekend. I was able to explain the emotional difference between divorce and widowhood to NG. He seems to get it. I have a ex who is the father to my 2 oldest and LH is daddy to the youngest. I explained how all of us need to be able to share stories about their dads without fear of NG feelings being hurt. He got that also. He told me talking about you ex is taboo in his experience. I agreed that in a casual dating situation my LH rarely comes up. However he has told me we are in a serious, hopefully long term relationship thus the rules now change and I want to know some information about his past and expected to hear the same from him. We then had a long talk about various LTRs. He said I had started talking to him more like a best friend and it was taking awhile to get used to hearing more about my history. At times like this I am so grateful for this board and all of my friends here. In real life no one really understands. Here there is always someone who has lived thru what I'm dealing with. Thanks so much for allowing me to hear you stories and sharing your wisdom.

This is what NG asked me the other night. He tells me I talk about him frequently. I'm not about to pretend he didn't exist. I do have a 10yoDD who misses him all the time. This school year is being difficult for her. We changed school districts and she knows no one. Everyone at her old school knew her and her situation. They were for the most part very supportive of her. He has heard me talk to H about LH and tell her I miss him also. We have a few pictures up of him that I have no intention of taking down. Just for reference I had a couple of pictures of my first husband that I kept up for my 2 older girls. They have told me they don't want them so they just came down when we moved, 16 years after my divorce. So when he asked me this my reply was "I don't know. I thought I was over him 2 years ago and everyone told me I wasn't. I'm in a much better place now" Just because I was bored I looked up online of how to get over a failed relationship. I have done everything they have suggested. However if being over LH means not thinking of him I don't know if I will ever get there. He was my world for 7 years. Changed my life forever and I can't even fathom forgetting him. I rarely cry about him these days. A lot of my friends who have met me in the last 4 years don't know his name or anything about him. Most of the people who do know of him know because of working with my DD. So I'm kind of at a lost. I told NG that this was his problem not mine and he should figure out if it's a deal breaker. However I see this coming up again and I don't want to be insentive of how it makes him feel.

Interesting. I totally agree with the physical touch part. I'm not a touchy person typically. However no/little physical contact has been difficult. I have 3 kids one of whom loves to sit/lay on me. This annoys me more than it helps. Someone on the former site made a comment about what type of guys/gals you seem to attract. Rather then making a decision based on your desires pick out of what you attract. I kind of thought that thru. At 48 I typically have guys from 55-65 show intrest in me. Prior to this my acceptable age range was 40-55ish. The last couple of guys I have dated have been in the first age range. My current guy is a active 60yo. I've narrowed my list down to some deal breakers and a few must haves. I'm still pretty picky but relized some of my must haves really weren't all that important. So my list is much shorter and I'm happier with the guys I'm meeting.

Dating is hard, very hard. It took my a long time to be ready for a serious relationship and casual dating never felt right even as I tried several times. I stuck with one guy longer then I should have because it was better then being alone or so I told myself. Do what's right for you and don't settle. Maybe you will meet another "perfect for you" guy. I have times when I want a guy in my life and other times I'm good being alone.

I think a lot of your response should depend on the age and matureity level of the kid. A young teen telling you is one thing a older teen is another. A lot of teens experiment so what seems right today might be different tomorrow. The best advise I ever got about kids was to focus on that stuff that is permeant in nature. Hair styles, color of clothing and make-up is all temporary. Unless they are considering a operation or hormone therapy this might just be temporary. When all else fails act in love. Not at all related to sexuality but, I decided at 10 that I wanted to change my name and start using my middle name. My mother talked to me and explained that this was a huge change for everyone and that I would need to correct everyone and be forgiving and kindly remind people. So that's what happened, took about 6 months but almost no one remembers my first name now.

Good for you! I have avoided lots of things and usally the stress of avoiding was more then just getting out there and doing it. Last year I finally went back to Washington DC. A place with lots of memories, and a frequent vacation spot for us. We ended up having a blast but it wasn't without its difficulties. You took a huge step. Good for you!

Love this!! A couple of years ago I was in a really bad place. Being a church member I finally went and talked, cried on my pastor. Thru a series of events ended up in a therapists office. She told me I needed more friends. I got mad went to a friends house and nicely told her what a idiot my therapist was. Her response floored me. She said, "yes you have plenty of friends but you hold all of us at arms length. Maybe you would consider letting someone in? Everyone assumes your fine because you tell us you are." Fast forward 2 years. They are now 2 of my best friends. We get together for dinner, watch each other's pets and talk about anything. The first step is scary and sometimes you don't get the answer you hope for but the few that do respond are so totally worth it. Glad I finally let someone it. Redemption is great.

Being a strong independent woman is a choice. Having said that I have a handyman on speed dial who helps me out a ton. No climbing on a roof or fixing a car for me. Nothing wrong with knowing you need help. However sometimes we just need to put on our big girl pants and go do whatever needs done. I have hung shelves, mowed, trimmed, painted, fixed stuff, bought a car, van, and house. I asked for help because I was scared but at the end of the day the choice was mine. I've done more then I thought I could. Choose to make a change and tackle something. Doesn't need to be huge but you will feel stronger and more capable when your done.

I just recently started dating B. He lives about 1 1/2-2 hours away. I've known him for maybe 3 years. He's very serious about having a relationship. We talk every day and have spent most of the last couple of weekends together with my kids in a family type situation. So over the last 3 days every kid has made some sort of comment/had a meltdown over this whole situation. They have all had some version of the same problem. We are afraid that B is going to take you away from us. Not physically but my attention and time. B has no problems spends my time with my girls. He has told me several times that anything he invites me to the girls are welcome to come as well. He has also said he is happy to drive up to my house to be with us. I've told my middle DD that I'm not making any changes in our living situation untill she graduates high school (she is starting her senior year). I don't talk on the phone with him untill evening usally when the youngest is in bed. The older 2 have jobs and are often working at that time. So any suggestions on how to deal with all of this? How to balance the kids with a boyfriend who lives out of state? I have told both kids I'm not going anywhere. That is I drive down to visit him they will be welcome to come. He is driving up tomorrow to spend the day with us. I declined a invite to go see him today because we have gone the last 2 weekends and everyone was really tired and had a lot of stuff to catch up on. I know if I handle it right then in time they will get used to it however in the present its a rather upsetting and painful issue. The middle DD told me she doesn't want a new dad. I told her he wouldn't be one and asked if she thought she needed one.

I freak out all the time. Usally when I would think I shouldn't. First date with a guy I really like, no problem. So guy tells me he wants to keep seeing me and I loose it. Even as this is really what I want. Sold my house no problem. Can't find a book yup, freak out again. I think I do well with the big stuff because I expect it to be hard. The the other stuff I don't expect to be hard so it throws me for a loop. Trama reduces our ability to brush things off. Hold on ride the wave you will make it.

This past weekend I took 2 of my 3 kids to inner harbor for the weekend. It was supposed to be just my 19yo and I but the 10yos plans got canceled and she came as well. We met up with a guy I've know thru work for the past 3 years. Really nice guy who was thrilled to spend the day with us tour some museums and grab lunch at a favorite restaurant. The girls and I planned the whole day. The girls really liked him and we had a ton of fun together. We ended up spending more time with him on Sunday. He wanted to introduce me to his brother(the only family he has left) and showed me around his neighborhood. So Sunday before we departed company we had a private conversation as the girls played at a park. Said he has liked me from the day we met. Talked about why I didn't date him several years ago when he first asked and when he actually "hit my radar" so to speak. So we talked some about what we both want or don't want as the case may be. He's totally in to us being together long term. I'm not quite there yet but I enjoined him enough to want to see him more. By the way this trip was my doing. I told him I was coming down and he asked if he could "take us out for dinner or something." Something ended up being spending the whole day driving us around the city. I'm headed to DC this weekend to pick my globe trotting kid up and am spending the weekend there. He has mentioned coming to join us for a day. One could say that I shouldn't introduce guys to my girls early on. Generally I agree with that. However we have been friends for years and this was far from a typical dating situation. He lives about 2 hours from me. I drive down 45 minutes to a hospital that he drives over a hour to and that's were we met and talk several times a week. (Just for clarity neither of us work at this hospital, we're both vendors there) My girls and I have talked about the fact that guys in my experience always seem to be ahead of women in committing. I found this true with my LH . My sister is dating a guy who was all in on date 2. She put the brakes on for a month or so but they are now a couple. I have other girl friends who have basically said the same thing. So I'm wondering how many dates/long was it before you knew you relationship was serious or more permanent in nature with either your late S.O. or your current new guy/gal?

I'm a definite maybe. My 2 older girls work now so I'm not sure who can come. I'll check back in sept. Crossing my fingers that it works!

On a Tuesday night? Or maybe I'm confused.