imissdow

Portside has excellent advise. I had a blended family with my DH. My first 2 came from my first marriage and we had the youngest together. He always referred to the girls as his kids on occasion when bio dad came up he would admit that he was step dad. He however never insisted the girls call him dad he was always Dowie. In the beginning the girls weren't comfortable calling him anything else and titles really aren't that important. It is hugely important that both of you present a united front. Do not let the kids play off you or each other. It will take a lot longer and go a lot slower then you think it will. Just because the 2 of you are in love doesn't mean that the kids feel the same. In fact they won't and probably wont for a long time if ever but that doesn't mean that they are allowed to be disrespectful or rude. My girls are kind even to people they don't care for and I expected them to be that way to my DH. If this comes from both sides then even if there are no warm fuzzy feeling eventually they will come to some sort of understanding. The other thing is to keep things in context and have a thick skin. One day when my DH worked late the girls and I sat down for dinner. we were having a lovey time chatting about our day and just enjoying some girl time. One of my girls said I really like having dinner with just us. It's like it used to be, I miss that. My DH happened to walk in at that time and was really offended. He thought they meant that they didn't like having him in the house. They were about 8 and 10 at the time and were just trying to tell me they were having fun. He reacted badly, it took awhile to fix that. Had he looked at thing from their perspective he would have realized that at one time all we had was each other and now they had more people to share me with him. Why would they not like having some mom time. Taking even small short bits of time with just you and a kid or 2 is really important. That's were you really get to know each other and the relationship starts to solidify. They say it takes about 5 years to blend a family. Things were just starting to come together for us when he got sick.

I have 1 dog his name is snootie.He was suppose to be DH's dog but he has always claimed me. He barks a lot but only when were home. I have been told by the neighbors that when were gone you don't know he's around. He is a beautiful smooth collie (think of a collie with shorter hair that lays flat) mix, My in-laws tell me he's part German Sheppard. I have always claimed that I hate this dog and would happily get rid of him. Then I actually thought I would need to get rid of him and I cried for a week. He runs with me, steals food and gets in the garbage. He really is a horridly bad dog. But he makes me feel safer and that's a really good thing.

Being in the same time frame I totally get this. July 10th was his birthday he would have been 52 and then he died 4 days later. My nerves are frayed I have cried more then I thought I would. Guess I figured this year would be different. Yet, I still really miss him. We will make it thru this. Hugs

Thanks for both reply's, It is really frustrating. I spent most of this last week on campus trying to figure things out with my DD. I took both girls in and registered them for summer school. They have a dual enrollment program so my 16yo is going to take a summer class just to get out of the house, She chose biology of the human body. I spoke to several people who couldn't seem to think outside the box they have created. Then I also go to talk to some really helpful people. Both girls signed a release so the school could talk to me. So the financial stuff seems to be coming together and the oldest is now registered for 13 hours of classes. Her placement test are done (she took them twice) She chose to be a art major. Not really crazy about that but she is taking 8 hours of core classes. Hoping the art classes will help make the core classes less of a drag and keep her motivated. She actually came home and sounded excited, that is rare. Toosoon: both girls have told me they would like to come visit your school and sit in on a lecture. Once school gets started again and we see when we can get away I will have one of them contact you to set it all up. I really don't see the younger one going there however it might be a good pick for the older. Far enough away from home that she can be independent, A few people she knows in the area in-case she gets in something over her head and close enough I can come running if it gets really bad.

I get this when I think about spending 40 years by myself it is so overwhelming. Yet even with dating I have a hard time thinking of spending more the a few hours with anyone. I can be personable, and friendly. Yet guys typically boar me quickly. I need a guy who has a life of his own. That seems harder to find then you would think. I'm also rather picky and that doesn't help. I miss Dow, and I really don't like dating, not seeing any other options.

So I went to the local community college today for my oldest DD's placement testing. Decided to head over to financial aid to see what the damage will be for her to go to college. For those of you who haven't followed the drama and anxiety this kid has put me thru I'll make the back story brief. She did not graduate this spring she needs a 0.5 gym credit. She did much better then last year when she failed 3 classes. She has been tested as gifted and we are headed for more testing this fall to see if she has ADHD or autism. So the plan was for her to take a gym class and some other classes towards a 2 year degree/certificate in what ever she decides. She is rather immature but because we are local , a sponsoring school district and will get aid, school should cost very little out of pocket. Thus part of the reason I thought it would be good for her to take some classes, live at home and hopefully in a year or 2 she might be ready to figure out what to do with herself. So I went to the financial aid office. Found out she can't get any aid until she has her high school diploma. She is now to late to sign up for summer school thru the high school. There is a summer session at the college that has a gym class she can take. I have about 1 week to get all the ducks in a row so that she can go. This also means she may not be able to attend the camp I already paid for back in march. I did however met the disability person who will manage her education at the school. She was really helpful. I thought I needed a IEP from the high school thus why we had chosen this route. She however tells me a IEP is not needed just a diagnoses from the doctor. I realized how little I really know about what I'm trying to navigate thru. Until today I hadn't really been on a college campus other then to drop or pick up my kids from what ever event they were at for the last 25 years. I know less then nothing about class selection, financial aid and everything else. Kind of surprised me I grew up from age 14 on a college campus. My dad was a prof. I probably should have started all this earlier however I'm not sure it would have made a difference. I'm frustrated because I don't know what questions to ask. I'm also frustrated because I feel like no one wants to talk with me. My DD is 18 so she is "supposed" to make her own decisions. However those would probably be disastrous. She had chosen a college that has a horrid reputation and really just wanted her money. She didn't see any of that and would have happily gone deep into debt to go there. She does not function independently at this point. She needs a support structure yet doesn't see that. Her 16yo sister is probably more ready for college then she is. My parents pretty much let me pick my college, major and such myself. I have a degree in hotel restaurant and institutional management. I should have gotten a business degree it would have opened more doors and I still could have done what I thought I wanted at the time. I spent a ton of money on a school that was a horrid fit for me, got put on academic suspension. I did a whole year there because I didn't know what else to do at the time. Changed schools graduated with honors. I want my girls to succeed. Just really frustrated trying to figure out how to help them do that. Don't want to be like my parents although at the time I was fine with i, but then we weren't nurtured we just grew up.

Seems to be the question I'm getting lately. Just to clarify I have been on 3 dates with this guy the first being in late febuary. We talk on the phone at least once a week sometimes more and I typically see him every week and we talk for 10 or more minutes at that time. He is not looking for a serious relationship and has been very up front about that. Sometimes I wonder if he's rethinking that because of a couple of things he has said. I played around with the idea of wanting more but realized that at the moment I don't have the time or desire to do what it would take to have what I will eventually want. So we are good friend who have the occasional date. He is funny, kind generous, thoughtful and the type of guy I would want long term. He's also 13 years older then me with grand kids just a little younger then my 2 older girls. He started early and I started kind of late. He works way to much (like 80+ hours a week) and lives 40 minutes away so finding time to get together is a challenge. Thus why we have had so few dates. So several people have asked me if we are dating. I never feel like I have a good answer. I told one person we were good friends, another (who I know better) that we have had a few dates but weren't a couple. I wish I had a answer that was short and didn't go into detail that people would actually believe. I don't typically do casual dating, however with this guy it really just feels right. At times I find that really hard to wrap my brain around other times I'm really good with it. I know I'm kind of rambling yet I really don't know what to do with all of this. In my entire life I have dated (meaning more then 2 dates) about 5 guys. I married 2 of them. I tend to like things spelled out for me and this isn't and I really don't know what to do with that.

I was divorced with 2 little kids when I met DH. We were good friends and he actually met my girls before we ever talked about dating. I knew it was serious from the first date mainly because we were already good friends and had spoken every day for months. We got married just a little more then a year from our first date. I don't get the sense at all that you are rushing things or that you need to protect your child more. If you were moving him into your house or something I would be really concerned, but its 4 days of your life and if necessary you could leave early. I think you are wise to plan for time away with just your son and you ,and the sleeping arrangements sound very appropriate. I wonder if the therapist sees your son as not ready for this or maybe some jealousy is involved.

Least they seem to be in our house. A few months ago we were on a road trip with my sister. Somehow we got talking about dunkin donuts (her favorite coffee place) and my kids tell her that when she dies they will have her cremated and spread her ashes at various dunkin donuts. She was slightly taken aback at this. Last night we were sitting at the dinner table and my youngest tells me that I will die before she graduates high school. She came up with this because I have some gray hair and that (in her mind) makes me old. So my oldest tells me "mom I got you. We will have you cremated and get you a tree urn" Then looks at the youngest and tells he "mommy will turn into a tree and be with us forever" Amazingly enough none of them seemed the least bit bothered by any of this. However this still strikes me as odd.

so looking forward to this i will bring a pasta or spaghetti type salad and some chips. Did you send a address out and I some how missed it? If so can you message it to me. so looking forward to seeing everyone.

Both my girls lost glasses. One has learned how to hang on too them now probably because she needs to wear them all the time. We will see what her sister does her new glasses should be in this week. I usually have them pay to replace stuff they lose. That is however hard when you actually need it. Like glasses. I know photoJunkie suggested a optical place I however would suggest Walmart. Cheaper glasses and usually pretty quick. It's were we will end up if DD looses this pair. She is the more responsible of my 3 so we will see. I have never lost mine probably because I can't see without them so If I do put them down I don't get far.

almost 4 years out and I have decided to wimp out this year. going to a bago and looking for a camping spot for the weekend. Hoping I can avoid all the hype and just have some fun with my girls.

that's exactly what I'm saying. There are 4 of us receiving on some months so we usually get the family maximum it varies buy a dollar or two. My oldest ages out in a few months so I will see what happens. I'm really hoping not much changes and I don't need to overhaul my budget.

Ok having tried internet dating for about a year I'm seeing a scammer. They don't have cell phones demand a ton of e-mails and usually late at night or early in the morning. They never want to meet and come up with all kinds of reasons why. Look at the time date stamp on his e-mails does it match the time zone your in or is it off by a few hours? Are his writing skills good or is his use of English slightly odd? The fact that he is training for deployment also bothers me, why would a guy who is getting ready to leave the country for a extended period of time start looking for a girlfriend? I would think hers preping you. I could be wrong and he could be a great guy but this is what I see from my time online.

I have decided I'm going to wimp out on the whole fathers day thing and come hang with my wid friends so count me and my 3 kids in. My oldest DD is infatuated with England and all things related she plans on moving there someday so she might corner adp to get the inside scoop on what it's like.

I haven't gotten there yet. However, I only get benefits for a few months as I make over the amount allowed. With all 3 kids receiving the amount per month in total stays about the same but the amount per person changes. So I would think that the amount your kids get would increase, but that the total you receive might be less. That has been my understanding from the beginning and how it has worked for me. My oldest is aging out in a couple of months so I will see what that does to the whole mix.

At first I thought I would like someone like my DH. However None of the guys I have dated looked or acted like him. I do then to choose blue collar or guys in the trades but I think that has more to do with the type of people I'm comfortable hanging out with then anything else. My oldest DD asked me at one point what movie star my date looked like. I said honey I date middle aged guys, they generally don't look like movie stars. She insisted that there must be a movie star that looked like him. I said ok a taller Danny Devito. She had to googled it and was then appalled. Bald and overweight, yup that describes most of my dates. My DH was my height and in really great shape with bright blue eyes.

Was hoping for some ME time today with some friends but sadly they are all busy. I did take a nap and maybe I will go find myself a beverage and drive somewhere. It's rainy and cold so outside is not were I want to be.

I agree with all of you that college is not for everyone. My Dh did 3 years of college and the chucked it all to be a carpenter. He was great at it and although we never were rich we also have one of the nicest houses on the block because he fixed up a space every year. We could afford nicer materials because labor was free. I have a 2 year degree that I don't even use at this point. She wants to do photography and the community college has a program in that. It looks like that is what she will be enrolled in at this point. With financial aid school will be just about paid for and she can continue to live at home. It will also give her some more time to grow up and figure out what she wants to do. I do not want a kid that at 25 still lives at home and hasn't "found" themselves yet. She does have a part-time job and she seems to like it. Her bio-dad has some sort of mental problem. I have been told this by a couple of people who work with those types of people. No one has ever been able to figure it out and at this point I wouldn't know even if they did. So I'm having a phych consult in August. If nothing else it will put my mind at ease. A friend suggested high functioning autism. I read a little on it and it sounds quite possible. Also sounds a lot like her bio-dad. So that is what the consult is for. Trying to find a balance between pushing her to do something meaningful and being supportive is so much harder then I ever thought it would be. I just want her to be self supporting,independent and have a meaningful life. Right now she doesn't even seem to have a plan or to say it maybe a better way, She doesn't seem to have a realistic plan that she has figured out how to succeed with. Last time I asked her she was planning on moving to California and go to film school. Yet she hasn't contacted the school she wants to go to ,or figured out what she would need to do to get there. She has been asked several times what she thinks she needs to do and her answer is usually fly out to California and get a job. She has no info on the school, she hasn't applied, asked for a catalog or anything. Guess she thinks maybe they will throw a party when she arrives. She has never filmed anything, not even with our camcorder. She doesn't seem to get excited about anything. So i'm not sure what she has enough interest in to even make a career out of.

My oldest DD was supposed to graduate today. She isn't going to she failed gym. I guess I should be happy last year it was algebra2, chem and English. She can do summer school I opted for another year only they won't let her go full time. She is suppose to go take her one class and then go home. She doesn't drive she failed the permit test 4 times. So she is going to the local community college and should graduate next year. She is extremely unmotivated. We have been to several therapist and have had her evaluated at the school for learning problems. She tested out as gifted. The therapist told me there was nothing wrong with her but they would be happy to keep talking to her. She has basically no friends, her room looks like a bomb went off , she dresses in odd color combinations and can seem to organize anything. I finally got a consult with a clinical psychologist in August. I am beyond frustrated. She is turning into her Bio-dad. He has been in therapy for years and never seems to make any lasting progress. He works at a fast food place, lives in a halfway house and takes the bus everywhere because he can even take care of a car. I really don't want to see her go down that road. If this doesn't help I'm really at a lost as to what to try next. I'm really not expecting anyone to have a good answer. I am just so done.

I have made a point of getting away from my kids with some kind or regularly. Mine are 18, 16 and 9. I take dance classes once a week, had a group of friend I met with for coffee every week, and try to get out with some friends at least once a month. The older girls are usually really busy so it's hard because they watch the youngest. Had to get over the idea of leaving them home alone because when DH died all of the sudden they were home for 6 weeks at the end of the summer with no supervision. They were 14 and 12 they youngest was thankfully in daycare. I do try to work around their schedules and I do wish I could go out more. thankfully I have friend who live a block away and often they come over or I head over there. I feel some kind of way about leaving them for hours at a time so I try to limit my time away to a few hours at a time. I have made time for a few dates wouldn't mind more yet the guys I meet and are interested in are generally as busy as I am. I find it interesting that the guys who do have time to date usually annoy me because I feel pressured to find more time for them and thus I tend to see them as to needy.

As I come to the end of my year 3 it has been rather different. At times I feel so much better then on days like today I think what the heck just happened. Here I am getting ready to head away for the weekend and just realized this would have been a trip he would have loved to take with us. We are headed out to do a whitewater rafting trip. He was the jr national kayak #2 place guy when he was a teen( his big brother was #1) This trip would have been a blast for him. Last week I finally took the job board down out of the office and hung some pictures of my girls and I. Figured it was time to make this space more mine. Little by little this house, life, what ever is beginning to be all me and so much less him. At times I think that's good and other days I wonder if I'm regulating him to a box I take out and look at when I'm feeling melancholy. I really don't mind the new me in a lot of ways, I care a lot less about a lot of stuff. Yet in some ways I miss the old me. Guess for me I figured everything would be good again by now and sometimes it is, yet sometimes it still isn't and most people would be surprised by that if I ever actually told them.

look2thesky Actually I found it rather flattering. There have been times when I wondered if he saw me as a available women at all. He treats me really well and this is the first time I ever noticed him looking anywhere other then my face. The guys who are just looking for sex usually aren't willing to put in this much time. Besides I haven't gotten anything more then a quick one armed hug. We had a conversation several months ago about those types and both of us agreed we didn't want that. So I took it as a compliment.

yeah! another Bago. My schedule is free at this point assuming my 2 teens don't come up with something. So me plus 3 kids

Your wife sounds something like me,neverthesame. I pull out my calendar regularly to see if I can fit him in around my Kids. 18, 16 and 9 and I'm the only one who drives at the moment. In a few more weeks my schedule will lighten up some meanwhile his is getting busier with his job. The biggest problem is I really don't know what I want. When he told me he wasn't ready to change his whole life but would like someone to do stuff with it sounded perfect. Meanwhile I have seen him several more times and I wonder. I wonder if I want more, I spend a few hours with him and go home wishing I had another date on my calendar. He has asked me a couple of times when my kids are headed off for college. Sunday I was wearing shorts and he made it pretty clear he was checking me out. Doesn't help that he lives 35 minutes away so it's not like I will ever bump into him if I don't plan to. I know at some point I would like to have someone in my life permanently. I kind of figured that would happen in a year or so when my kids are closer to moving out and would live in my zip code. I guess I also figured that any guy I met would just slide into my life with very little thought on my part, kind of like my DH did. I also didn't expect that I would be so confused about what I really want. One of my friends just keeps telling me to "breathe " and not over think things. Both things that are really hard for me. Guess I now know how my DH felt, He was very interested in me and I was basically unaware that he was anything more then my work friend for months. Told me he had just about given up when I finally took notice. Never thought this would prove to be this hard.