Bunny

While listening to this week's 'The Moth' I thought of you, Donna, when I heard this story. I hope you and your family are doing well. https://themoth.org/stories/leaping-forward

I don't have children, but I've always liked and gotten along quite well with them, at all ages- with the occasional personality clashes, of course. That being said, if I was dating a man whose kid really didn't like me, I'd be very reluctant to pursue the relationship- it just sounds like more work and drama than I'm willing to deal with. And if a 17 year old girl told me I really reminded her- in a bad way- of her bio mom...yikes!!!

I recently heard a great interview with the mother of a transgendered child and learned she has a podcast. Though her child is much younger and male to female, it might be helpful to give it a listen. http://www.howtobeagirlpodcast.com A very good friend of mine has a teen daughter who came to her a year ago expressing that she might be transgendered. It's been a bit of a struggle for my friend, who is very open-minded. Her youngest brother is gay, so she understands that and jokingly lamented- why can't she just be a lesbian?! Her child began seeing a therapist. She has not requested hormone therapy or a name/pronoun change, but her clothing and haircut are extremely masculine and she has always despised dealing with her breasts and period...my friend is just trying to keep communication open and give her love and acceptance as best she can.

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My heart is breaking for all of you...I'm so sorry.

I also listened to this one: http://www.wnyc.org/story/elizabeth-caplice-death-sex-money It's an interview from earlier this year with a woman dying from cancer. She died in July. It was interesting to hear the perspective from the other side of things, but this episode did make me cry. A lot.

Lately I've been listening to random episodes of the podcast Death, Sex, & Money. Today I came across an interview with Roger Ebert's wife, Chaz. She was his caretaker for quite a few years. I thought it was a very positive and uplifting interview. I liked it a lot. I needed it a lot -because that is a very painful time for me to go back to and this is the first time it wasn't. http://www.wnyc.org/story/chaz-ebert-life-without-roger/

Last weekend I accidentally deleted all the texts exchanged between bf and myself- poof! almost three years worth, chronicling a friendship that slowly turned into a romantic relationship. I called the company today to confirm what I already knew- they keep no records. I know other wids have paid to get them recovered, but I'm trying to just be okay with it. Let it go. I'm actually surprised at how calm I've been about it (for the most part). I've always been sentimental- keeping old journals, letters, cards, miscellaneous little keepsakes- so saving those messages was an extension of that tendency, I suppose. I didn't discover the joy of texting until after widowhood, when it became so much easier than having to talk to people, so I have none from my husband; he was not very fond of most modern technology anyway so I don't have any e-mails from him either. I remember when the phone company accidentally deleted his outgoing message- right before he died, after he'd lost the ability to speak. It was devastating for me at the time. The widow in me thinks- what if bf dies soon and all of that is lost to me forever?! But the widow in me also knows they're just some texts- they are not him, they are not us. I keep my memories with me regardless. I've slowly been getting rid of my sentimental collections- whittling them down to what is most special to me- and hopefully making it easier to dispose of after I'm dead. I'm much more practical about it now, which I'm grateful for since I know widowhood can trigger hoarding (a tendency that exists on both sides of my family). I'll never be a minimalist, but I no longer put so much emotional stock into mere things.

I am remembering something a friend said to me in my early days of widowhood. She was talking about the day her mother died. She was there, had been keeping vigil for days, and afterwards she went home to her husband for some much needed solace. She looked at me and realized the person I needed to comfort me most now was permanently absent from my life- it was a moment of realization about the differences in grief. So. Yeah. You had to lose her without his comfort. That must have been so hard. It's understandable if you feel the need to take a step back from life to lick your wounds in peace. Perhaps grieving your mother requires more isolation for you than grieving your husband did? We think we know grief, but each loss is unque, yes? And losing the person who has been your number one constant nurturer since birth is a Very Big Thing. ...perhaps you are subconsciously trying to remove your heart from any perceived future losses by cutting people out of your life? I mention this because of what you said about your boyfriend. I remember after a friend of ours completed suicide two years before my husband died, it was so painful for me that I told my husband I was through making friends, I'd deal with the ones I had, but no more extra potential pain! Well, I didn't keep to that plan as the pain slowly softened. And perhaps you, too, will be willing to venture out into the world again as the pain of losing your mom begins to soften with time. I am wondering if, in addition to joining a widow group, you might also look into a group for bereaved adults who've lost a parent? it might help to give you some clarity for what you are experiencing now.

Hello Hermit. Welcome. You know, I was just talking to myself about this the other day... how small my world is now. And, at this point, much of it is my own doing. I just don't have the desire or energy to be as social as I was before widowhood. Granted, my husband had a billion friends/acquaintances so that made it easy. And two of my closest have moved very far away recently. But I know there are plenty of people who would love to see me if I made the effort...and therein lies the rub. If I don't make the effort, it likely won't happen. As the childless friend with an erratic work schedule, I was used to working around everyone else's schedules. But now, well, I'm pretty low energy in that direction most of the time. I'm a bit over four years out and I also have a boyfriend. We spend A LOT of time together. We probably socialize more with his friends, though he can be just as big of a loner as myself so we can easily go weeks in our own little cocoon- gardening, cooking, watching movies...I know this is what some relationships look like anyway, but not any of mine- so this is new to me. I'm trying to just observe without judgment, but there is a tiny voice in the back of my mind warning about putting all my eggs into one basket... Sometimes I look at my bf and think- am I really doing this?! Yup, guess I am. I absolutely adore him. But I wonder why I am more interested in having a boyfriend than a husband when other widowed seem to take the plunge so easily. We already speak in lifelong plans, so what gives? Why do I cling to this tiny bit of autonomy that single-hood represents for me? A constant feeling in widowhood for me has been exhaustion, whether it be mental or physical. It no longer is debilitating, but it has never completely gone away, just seems to find new ways to manifest itself. I've been thinking about therapy myself, without taking any major steps in that direction. im just not sure I want to go there anymore, but I'm definitely feeling kinda 'stuck' in some ways I can't quite put into words yet. So there's my own rambling for you! Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.

That's a tough one...he sounds like he might be a blank slate kinda person- doesn't wanna think about / acknowledge there was anyone before him. Hell, we've even talked about some of my bf's ex-girlfriends with both his family and mine. He's a bachelor in his 50s, there have been quite a few! When we went to Italy last year, I met his girlfriend of 6 years. One of the people we socialize most with is a serious ex-girlfriend of his. She's one of my favorite people. We all - widowed or not- have histories that make us the fabulous people we are today ;D And what's wrong with acknowledging that? SemperFi- I guess you could always just take matters into your own hands and, from here on out, simply stop censoring yourself. Just let slip a casual late husband comment into things...

Last year I went on a family vacation to celebrate bf's parent's 65th wedding anniversary. I had a great time and all were very welcoming. They do know I'm widowed and though I didn't go out of my way to bring him up, I also didn't have a problem casually mentioning him if it was part of the flow of conversation. It's 17 years of my life and it feels too weird trying to pretend that part is forgotten or doesn't matter...but I have tried to make an effort to tell stories using 'I' instead of 'we'. Bf's mother has Alzheimer's so asked me at family dinners more than once if I've ever been married or how I met her son. Both his grandmothers married old sweethearts after becoming widowed (in their 80s), so I joked with them that their son, who I dated in college, is just keeping with family tradition...for me, not letting it be the elephant in the room makes things less awkward. We socialize a lot with his friends and I'm very open about being a widow, because I've always pretty much been an open book (a small handful were also friends with my husband - which is another level of weirdness). It is strange to be around people who never knew me as a wife- that this new person is all they know. But, in some ways, that can be easier for me. I've also found that, by being so open and comfortable talking about my dead husband, it gives others the opportunity to talk about the dead people in their own lives- that perhaps they have no other place to really talk about them, since our society can be so reticent on the subject of death. I've had some really lovely and bonding conversations with people this way. Conversely, if I sense any discomfort in the subject, I also know how to move things right along by asking a question about them, thus steering things away from 'forbidden territory'. You ask 'why do I care?' I don't know- but I ask myself the same question. Why do I want people to know I'm a widow and not just single or divorced?

This is me -going into my 5th year. And I'm now in my 50s...it's a weird place to find myself. I don't think I'm actively grieving, though grief issues can still play a part in my everyday life. Sometimes I can't believe how I'm still working through stuff. But -at this point - I guess I'm kinda settling in with my grief, we are growing more familiar with one another, no longer scary strangers. (Or something like that.) Frederick, thank you for coming back and checking in with us. I'm sorry you've had to deal with so many secondary losses so closely following your husband's death. Great distinction, Frederick. Well said. Agreed. Beautifully put.

Mimi! So nice to see you checking in- and with such great news- Congrats on your nuptials! I also had my fourth saddiversary, last month. And, I also am in love, though in no hurry to tie the knot! I still think of my husband every day, hold conversations with him about what's going on. but now it (mostly) brings me comfort. I'm so glad you got your flowers again this year...but I'm sorry to hear about your son and DIL. Hopefully they will both recover and move on to happier lives. It's interesting how widowhood has kinda made me more 'pro-divorce' ; for me- life is too short (and widowhood too painful) to spend it with the wrong person.

I just wanted to share my experience with you also... Yes, the first six months were insanely painful- both mentally and physically. But as that initial shocking pain began to soften, it was replaced by the deepest of sorrow and exhaustion, which left me feeling like the hole I was in just got a lot darker and so much deeper. It was, unbelievably, excruciating in a whole new different way. I felt so defeated by my grief, apathetic about my life, and so damn tired. Some mornings I would wake up and immediately burst into tears. So yeah- for some of us, the second half of that first year, it can feel even worse in some ways. its sadly normal. But Time eventually teaches us the coping mechanisms we need to move forward with our lives. Though others might get impatient, we need to remember to be patient with our new selves as we learn to navigate this new life we've been thrown into. One day at a time...

Exactly THIS. Unfortunately, there seem to be few relationships that work this way- whether it be work, friends, family, romantic- but when they do, it's a beautiful thing and I feel lucky for the times I've experienced this level of trust with another person. Sadly, we've all got baggage that we're constantly tripping over, and can definitely get in the way of the overall picture. Trying- Here's hoping you make it through everything with your mind intact...don't forget to take a few deep cleansing breaths along the way, as needed...

The other day, my bf shared an Italian meme with me that basically said: if you seduce a woman into bed and then notice she is wearing matching underwear, it was not you doing the seducing. While I don't own any matching sets of underwear, I do like to choose complimentary styles and colors every day- for myself. I think it makes a girl walk around a bit more confidently...

Maybe they're saying 'we just don't like her' is just a convenient excuse for not liking him being in a relationship, period. Pretending to themselves they'd be fine and dandy with it, if it was just some stranger. And how do you explain skin hunger to people: 'yes, I'm a completely heartbroken MESS, but I really seriously want sex So Bad Right Now. I crave to be touched so desperately even though I am still deeply grieving a dead person'. I told a very open-minded married friend about my intense unbearable skin hunger those first couple years and she was shocked. Maybe the babysitter initially contacted him out of compassion, like any decent human being who knew the family so intimately would, and the sparks just unexpectedly flew? For me, it makes perfect sense he'd choose to be with someone he was familiar with, felt safe with. (Says the girl now dating a man she'd had an extended fling with in college. I had other men try to pursue me before that and it was scary to me, repulsive even, despite my desires. I personally needed that familiarity because I truly had no desire to date. He knew me already. We had ended amicably in the past, and we cared about each other as friends. That made it feel okay). I can think of two friends who lost a parent early: a daughter who was pissed because her dad started dating 'too soon' (it had been about a year) and a son who was really sad that his dad never dated after his mom died. Unfortunately, it's super easy for others to be judgmental when people don't act the way you think they should. They don't understand the extra level of loneliness when it's your spouse that dies. Yes, they miss their daughter, yes she misses her sister- but when it's the person you slept next to, who was a part of the very fabric of every day life, it's different. It just is. Hell, that's why I don't get upset when people compare losing a pet to my losing my husband- because they were with them day in and day out, had an extra intimacy and secret language- they do get it on a certain level really. (Disclosure: I mourned my 'soul dog' for 5 years). And I get that as her best friend, your loyalties are conflicted- harder for you to walk the talk... You know- it's entirely possible he is using her, and she is going to be the injured party when she finds out he's just not ready after all. But I'm gonna be the hopeless romantic and wish them a happily ever after.

Yes. Absolutely. These things intoxicate me now- I don't think I've cried with happiness in my whole life as much as I have in the last two years over little things like that. ...for some reason, this post is reminding me of one you made on the ywbb, one that moved me so much that I printed it out and put it on my fridge- about Dan clipping his toenails in the bathroom.

hikermom- A friend of mine was severely electrocuted on the job- was hanging on by a thread for weeks- died more than once- ended up losing an arm, shoulder, leg, and hip. He told me he never saw or felt anything and seemed pretty happy/relieved about it. Another friend of mine had a massive seizure while out in the woods walking his chihuahua and when he fell his head hit a rock. He and his loyal little pup were found 36 hours later by a woman out doing some yoga in nature. He had a very profound and life-changing experience. He was no longer an atheist and no longer feared death, which was good because he was diagnosed with a terminal cancer soon after. He was sad and frustrated because, for the most part, none of his family or friends wanted to talk about his near death experience or the fact that the cancer would eventually kill him. So we would talk, and he began a friendship with a minister who later did his funeral services. for me, I like that they both (and Maureen's Barry too!) had positive experiences, even though they were different. And SVS- yeah, that totally would also have been a fun conversation! I do love that you and your husband met at such an early age- thus getting to experience much of each other's awkward youths up close and personal.

Some people think it's impossible for men and women to be friends. I'm guessing for these women this also includes even simply being friendly to someone of the opposite sex. This is especially true if one person is single and the other in a relationship. Some people view partners as possessions instead of individual human beings. And some older women can get very insecure around younger women if they are unhappy/uncomfortable with their own aging process. And then there's that old stereotype about horny young widows...

This afternoon I wasted some time on the internet looking at '43 photos that prove you know nothing about life'. I get to the one where it states that it's almost a 50/50 split whether people sit or stand to wipe after using the bathroom and that neither half knows the other exists. Mind Blown. So, as I investigate this further with Google (in an attempt to avoid the housework a little while longer), one man says he and a friend came up with a height theory- everyone over 5'11" is a stander. My husband was 6'2". I have NO IDEA if he was a stander or a sitter. It's such a silly little thing, but I'm feeling...not sad, more like wistful that we'll never have that conversation. I bet it would have been a really fun one. Anyone else have any nonsensical questions they wished they'd asked their spouse?

a friend just shared this story with me today. Love it... http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/29/ashes-in-bottle_n_3671150.html

An out of body experience...yeah, maybe like that.... I relate to much of this thread without being able to coherently express why or what is in my brain and heart. I think too much but that only leads me through an endless maze of tangents that keep trailing off of an already meandering main path. I will never believe in lasting love again. And by that I mean if we are apart and he doesn't text me goodnight then a part of me is picturing him dead of a heart attack on the bathroom floor. It feels like I'm always trying to be prepared for the inevitable because last time I was caught unawares even though all signs pointed to my husband's death-- but really, realistically, who the hell can truly prepare for that shit anyway? Ive told him my wish is that we die in a fiery car crash together. That's fucked up. Or is it? I don't know. I had zero interest in falling in love again and it is adding a layer to my grief that I don't know what to do with. I tell myself this feeling only makes me appreciate our love all the more, knowing it could be gone any second. But that's kinda bullshit too. It's made me both scared and numb on a whole other level. Thankfully, I ignore all this most of the time.

I guess it's a good sign that I can't remember our first big fight...but i know it does feel different because it isn't a married couple fight- i.e. having it from a place of absolute commitment to one another, whereas now there is still room for one of you to throw up your hands and say 'fuck this shit, I'm outa here'. For me, fighting about something and realizing I didn't then want him to go away forever was a sign i was committed to the relationship. It's unreasonable to expect there won't be some disagreements arising from time to time. I mean, just because we're widowed doesn't mean we are now conflict-free simply because we realize the fragility of life, love, and all that shit...but hopefully we can resolve things quicker and with less drama because we do -ultimately- realize those things that are truly important.