Bunny

1. The unending ceaseless relentless rain will be good for the wildflower seeds I scattered. 2. My bf made a strawberry rhubarb pie. 3. Finally saw Rogue One and it was awesome.

(Sigh)...forget number three. Today I'll hafta content myself with two good things.

1. Have been enjoying the Katherine Hepburn brownies I made. 2. The last two days have been perfect for gardening- have gotten a lot done. It's nice to feel a sense of accomplishment. 3. My 15 yr old blind deaf dog has not peed or pooped in the house today (yet).

Oh god. I am also dealing with motivation, anxiety, and insomnia. This place has been my only therapy but I think I'm finally desperate enough to finally go talk to a grief counselor. As a widow friend of mine said 'It is just getting over the anxiety of actually going to a therapist about talking about the anxiety.' I feel like I've come so far but I'm super reluctant to 'go there' in terms of the pain. It hurt so much for so long. I'm terrified to address any of it but it's affecting my quality of life and relationship. Next month would have been my 20th wedding anniversary and in June it will be 5 years. I tell myself it's these round numbers that are affecting me so greatly, but it's more than that. I remember someone on the other board described trying to get better as 'unfucking myself''. That's what I've been telling myself lately- I just need to figure out how to unfuck myself already.

I think this thread could use a bump. I've been struggling with some seriously negative feelings as of late- time to get back into the gratitude habit. 1. It is a beautiful cool, sunny day and- thanks to modern technology- I am on the porch enjoying it while also on the Internet! Yes, I know, I should be weeding instead... 2. I spent yesterday with an old friend I haven't seen for several years. It was really lovely spending time with her and her young son. 3. I'm so grateful I eventually got my love of baking back as it soothes my soul like nothing else.

While it is true that pot is not physically addictive, it is also true that pot can be very emotionally addictive. And, as someone who has struggled for most of my adult life with an emotional addiction to nicotine (whether I'm 'using' cigarettes or not), I know that emotional addiction can be a much harder thing to overcome. It's frustrating that so many potheads refuse to acknowledge this part. Perhaps it's because I've always known a lot of musicians and artists- I know a lot of people who were potheads in junior high or high school. For me, I think of it as the exact same problem as kids who smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol- it's just NOT a good thing to be doing while your mind and body are still developing. And yeah- that illegal part, while it's truly a ridiculous thing, is still a reality in many places and can have negative consequences. Most of those people outgrew their pot habits as they got older, but some have kept right on going. Some of those lifelong potheads have become successful upstanding citizens, and some of them are living in a friend's basement. So his kid just might turn out okay, and then again he might not. But I really don't think, at his age, his parents have much control over it. Teenagers are gonna do what they are gonna do because they are still under the delusion that they know everything they need to know. It takes time and life experience to learn that the more we know the less we really know after all. So, yeah, why not just keep enjoing the fun of dating for the next two years -or however long it takes to get his kid out of the house and on his own two feet- and put the complications of the blending of families on the back burner. Enjoy the freedom of having your own space where you get to make all the rules, because once you unite the two households then it's all about the compromise.

tybec- it's terrible being jealous, isn't it? I hate it when I've let those feelings get the best of me. But I imagine since I've had a lot more experience dating than you have, these are fairly unknown feelings you are having to contend with, yes? I will try to be helpful by sharing a few things. 1) in my life, I have been friends with several exes. There was never any slip-ups afterwards or boundary-crossing. I think of all of them in purely platonic terms. Actually, one of my oldest, dearest, closest friends is an old hook-up. 2) One of my favorite people in my bf's group of friends is an ex-girlfriend of his. They dated in college and then again years later. We socialize at her house quite a bit and it's never been awkward because she is such a warm and loving person. Since my bf has never been married, and had a very active love life, I've actually socialized with a handful of his ex lovers. 3) I have felt some pretty intense jealousy towards the girlfriend he had right before me, for a number of reasons, that have all faded with time. We've been together almost 3 years. The only way I'd be worried or apprehensive about it was if she wanted to maintain a friendship with him but have nothing whatsoever to do with you. In all my friendships with men, I have always tried my best to be friendly and as non-threatening as possible to their significant others.

I do get your wife's insecurity on the subject, as I think women struggle with these kinda feelings more so than men seem to. My boyfriend, though on the jealous side when it comes to live men, is perfectly fine with my ashes being buried next to my husband's. It's a double plot, but he has a separate stone so potentially anyone could go there- I already offered it to his best friend. Me? I told my bf he could put my ashes in the dumpster if he wanted as I'm just not that sentimental about the subject. But I'm also childless. You have a lot more people to try and make happy. The dead wife isn't gonna care what you do, so I suggest you concentrate all your energies on making the live one as happy as possible. Come to a definite decision with her on the subject and Put It In Writing so she's not the 'bad guy' if you die first. Many of us have seen first hand just how unreasonable loved ones can get over a dead body. At least spare her that particular heartache. Maybe offer the two spaces next to your first wife to your in-laws? Perhaps they, or a stray uncle or cousin, could use the space...

When I first started hanging out with my bf, I told him I had zero intention of ever giving another man the power to hurt me that much ever again. The thought of being in love again was horrifying to me. But...he fell pretty much effortlessly into my lap and we got along so well... eventually I agreed to give it a try. Recently, I noticed I'd finally stopped checking to see if he was still breathing whenever he slept too quietly beside me. And it does takes me a longer time to start freaking out when he is later than expected. I admit I'm a more anxious partner in widowhood. But the happiness he brought back into my life-- it was a drug I could not give up, even knowing he's probably just gonna die on me eventually.

Thinking of you as the day comes to a close...five years just seems so impossible. How can time rush and crawl simultaneously? Peace to you...

Maybe you being the breadwinner wasn't an option for Andy because he didn't want to be married to a miserable and frustrated spouse doing a job that brings her very little joy. For me, it seems an amazingly fortuitous coincidence that just when you are on the verge of losing it and feeling so damn defeated with your job, Andy is now there by your side ready and able to financially -as well as emotionally- support your new life, your new adventure. Leaving an old career doesn't mean failure, it just means you've outgrown it- you need different things now. It no longer fits or suits you. And congratulations! you now have the support you need to venture forth- scary and exciting in equal measures, I'm sure. Who knows what's out there awaiting you? But it really is time to find out, because the academic cage you're in now is slowly breaking your spirit- and no amount of security is worth that. I'm a feminist, but my marriage was pretty traditional in a lot of ways. It can work when two people respect each other and value what each brings to the table. Communication is definitely key- as resentments can build before you know it (and boy can things get ugly when allowed to fester). You have needed to be in charge for so very long- as the breadwinner, as the caretaker, as the single parent. I'm guessing giving up that kind of control will not be easy. But maybe it's time to do that thing where you fall backwards and trust that the person behind will catch you? Trust Andy. Trust yourself.

Old colleague of mine...this really cracked me up! Maureen Wow... This is literally the craziest thing, it cracked me up too! I don't even know what to say! Actually, that part kinda broke my heart a little. It's obvious she's feeling a need for control and a need to feel like her mothering IS very necessary and important in her children's lives. I dunno, perhaps your longer experience with mothering is intimidating. Perhaps she's just generally an extra anxious kinda person. I feel for you, I do. But man...she is really struggling with some emotional stuff, don't you think? If she's kind to you in person, try to concentrate on that and let the crazy parts roll off you as best you can

reading this thread makes me very grateful my bf is childless. I do, however, have some experience dealing with toxic, negative people and I've found maintaining an upbeat positive demeanor No Matter What can be very helpful. They feed off of negativity and conflict so you have to go against that very strong instinct inside and not give them what they want, though their attitude is infuriating and Begs for it. You must instead starve them of the conflict they crave. Apologize sincerely for any misunderstandings and maintain a positive can-do attitude about the future. This does Not mean become a walking mat. No- boundaries must be maintained firmly, and as compassionately as possible. It helps if you can find a way to turn off your brain and choose a persona to slip into so you take what they say less personally. Truly, we all know it really has nothing to do with ourselves, they are just taking out their frustrations with life on those closest at hand. For one's own sanity, it's best to find a place of peaceful detachment. Otherwise, that toxicity can creep into the relationship with your partner- which would make the ex very happy indeed. Full disclosure: in widowhood, I've found this attitude more difficult to maintain and have usually just opted for removing those people from my life. I'm sorry this is not an option for you.

"She died at home with me and her parents holding her, hopefully having reach some last minute peace. It's all very sad and surreal. So much is left unfinished for her. She was a firehose of brilliant ideas that never turned off. We loved her and everything is weird now. " - Phil Elverum Boy does this one speak to me...

okay. Yes, legally, you're not a widow. But when you lose the person you've decided to spend the rest of your life with, what the fuck else are you supposed to call yourself?! Maybe you should ask her what label exactly she would like you to use and why. My mom said some weird hurtful shit right after my husband died. She told me I was just depressed and she knew exactly how I felt because she'd struggled with severe depression for much of her life. She was always trying to get me to take anti-depressants because they worked so well for her so that is what I needed to get better also. It was frustrating to explain over and over that I was not depressed, but rather really really down into my bones SAD, not depressed. It's different. Grief cannot be solved with a pill (if only that were the case!) I felt so invisible to her. Reflecting on it now-- I think that my grief was scary for her; to see her child- whom she deeply loved- in so much pain. So she tried to put it in a box she could understand. She diminished it in order to try to get me to not be in So Much unbearable unrelenting pain. Of course, it was bullshit and very hurtful. And not in the least helpful. But I knew she did love me, so I let it go as much as I could while being very firm about what my feelings were and were not. I dunno...maybe your mom thinks, irrationally, that you will hurt less if you just stop calling yourself a widow. Death can create some crazy kinda logic gymnastics in people's brains. I'm so very sorry you never got to be his wife.

So young...my heart aches for her husband, now at the very beginning of this widowed journey... RIP http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/03/13/520021848/author-modern-love-essayist-amy-krouse-rosenthal-dies-at-51

most of my husband's ashes are buried in a cemetery in the nearby town where we were married and newly-weds. I gave some to his best friend, some to his father, and the rest I kept in my bedroom for the first few years. They were a great comfort to me. Until I started feeling like they needed to be freed from their container. I happened to be going on vacation to the state he had always wanted us to move to, so I took them with me and scattered them in a beautiful spot near a waterfall. I don't regret it, but sometimes feel wistful about not having any now.

I slept with a small bottle, containing locks of his beautiful dark curly hair, clutched in my hand for quite a few months. Actually, I carried it around with me wherever I went- it was small enough to fit in the palm of my hand, unnoticed, or in a pocket. I had A LOT of anxiety issues and it was most definitely my 'security blanket'. Then I switched to a teddy bear that was really soft- I'd had it a couple decades (gift from friends) but had never slept with it before widowhood. Almost five years later it still shares my bed. I was a little self-conscious once I got a boyfriend, but he didn't find it strange at all and has been known to use it for some cuddle time himself ;D

Thank you, SF. my husband had an unusual, difficult childhood- compared to my relatively calm one. So, in the beginning, I didnt understand his issues. (For example- it seemed silly to think we were gonna wind up living under a bridge any minute. But that was his reality.) I learned to take a step back- view things from his perspective -and then share my own while trying to respect his concerns no matter how irrational they seemed. Both parents had tempers (which he inherited) and sucked at teaching healthy coping skills. He could have benefited from therapy So Much, but the religious cult he was raised in left a lasting distrust of such things. I have resentments towards his parents for their failures and neglect that I'm trying to let go of. He worked on bettering himself always, but life was such a difficult thing for him in many ways. We loved each other deeply, and losing him has been devastating and complicated, but a part of me is happy for him being released from his demons. Sorry for the hijack, Trying. I hope you two are back in calmer waters.

My husband was sick for two years, and after he died that was all I could remember and obsess about for months on end- it was horrible! The only way I found I could break myself from it was to force myself to stop those thoughts (I would literally say 'stop!' out loud) and redirect by going all the way back to the beginnings of our marriage, only allow myself those memories and no others- I had to get as far away from the cancer as I possibly could. Almost 5 years later, I try to never ever think of- or talk about- those last two years.

I always check widowed. To my thinking- single means you've never been married. If you've been married, then you're either widowed or divorced- until you get married again.

Here's the thing- there are people who, when experiencing high anxiety, express it in a horrible manner. They don't mean it, and they're actually very happy to have someone there with them, they just don't always know how to express their emotions in a sane manner. My husband had this problem. He had so much gratitude the entire two years I took care of him. He adored the hell out of me. But sometimes his depression or anxiety made him act like a complete and utter asshole towards me and it was very hard not to take it personally. Awareness and willingness to work on the problem did make things more bearable for me.

I hate driving by the various hospitals we visited, I can't imagine having to step inside one of them! Yes, deep cleansing breaths...

Just read this lovely essay- written by a dying wife (and famous author), for her husband's future dating profile. funny, beautiful, heartbreaking. It's nice she's thinking ahead and telling him it's okay to fall in love again. I never had that talk with my husband. Hell, we could barely acknowledge he was dying, despite all evidence screaming in that direction. But in healthier times, we did both say we would never fall in love again if something happened to one of us. i remember talking to his best friend around the one year anniversary, about which friend of ours I would have wanted to comfort my husband had the roles been reversed. I wasn't ready at that point to think about being with someone myself, but I knew I wouldn't have wanted him to be alone, I realized I'd been thinking about it all wrong. Not that being alone isn't okay, but that not being alone is okay also. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/03/style/modern-love-you-may-want-to-marry-my-husband.html?smid=fb-share&_r=1

My husband's presence has been felt a bit more strongly as of late, not in a bad way but was wondering about it and then realized his sobriety birthday was coming up. It's today. We would go out and celebrate on this night instead of Valentine's Day. A few months before he died, though he could barely walk anymore, his best friend took him to get his 10 year chip. That means this year would have been 15, had he continued to stay sober. He was very proud of his sobriety- alcoholism runs on both sides of his family and he had quite the misspent youth/young adulthood, to say the least. I don't really expect any kinda response, I just wanted to acknowledge what today is and tell somebody else about it. As Mizpah would say- I am feeling The Urge!