Bunny

Happiness after such intense grief is a most powerful and addicting drug and can cause one to make less than rational decisions. Please cut yourself some slack and forgive yourself for whatever it is you're feeling guilty about. I'm so sorry you were betrayed like this. Obviously I dont have all the facts but it seems to me like they have always been together and are still together.

1. One of my best friends just survived a severe heart-attack. Grateful I got to hang out with him yesterday. 2. Another very close friend just survived a potentially fatal car wreck. 3. A widow friend of mine just became a grandmother for the first time.

Ah, weddings can sure bring it out in people, can't it? I totally understand your need to write and send that letter. You needed to have your say to at least try to relieve some of that pent up frustration. I would have done it too most likely. But truly, for your future marriage, you're going to need to figure out some coping methods because there truly is no current end to this. My husband 's best friend has an ex-wife like this. His daughter finally just turned 18. I don't know about the court system where you are but they arranged to sit with a mediator every time she had a problem and lucky for him they had good bullshit detectors. Unfortunately, vindictive exes can also be super expensive. This is your life right now. This is the way it is. Fighting against crazy will only result in making you crazy because she is incapable of being reasoned with. I recommend trying to find pity in your heart for her only because I don't want you eaten up with the anger and despair. If need be, please seek a councelor for some healthy and effective coping methods. As for the kids- children usually figure things out on their own through observation. And the older they get, the more autonomy they have. Really, it's just a waiting game. I'm sure it feels like forever but it's not. Please don't let her ruin your day even if the worst happens. Because you and I have already been through worse than anything she can dish out, right? A shitty ex is child's play compared to burying a spouse. Please don't give her the power to steal your joy. I honestly don't know how to accomplish this but please try. In a bizarre small world after all twist of fate, the best friend's ex is now dating one of bf's close friends. We saw them out and shared a drink and she is pretty much the same. No emotional or spiritual growth whatsoever from the last time I saw her over a decade ago.

No, it's good. It will be okay. Home-ownership can be super overwhelming, but as time goes on you will get your sea legs and it will be fine and you will make this house your home. (As for your washer- do you have any tea tree oil? I've used it in the past on mold issues...)

Maybe it's all the years of my childhood spent in the Far East (Navy brat), but I am a huge fan of rice cookers. Perfect every time whether white, wild, brown, or mixed. Some models come with a timer for planning ahead, and can be used for other things- like hot cereal. This last year I started making my own yogurt and I can't believe how easy it is! Not to mention much less expensive. I use a heating pad on low wrapped around the jars to keep a steady temp while the yogurt is being made. I also started making my own granola. Not only is it cheaper, but it's a lot healthier because I use much less sugar and fat. Sometimes I think I must be reincarnated from someone raised during the depression because I derive way too much pleasure in being thrifty.

I recommend the zojirushi mini-bread machine. It's perfect for a smaller household. I also suggest getting one of those giant recipe books with, like, 300 bread machine recipes, though King Arthur Flour has excellent on-line recipes. (Also- instead of buying bread flour, I use all-purpose and add gluten.) Nice to see a fellow rag user! I pretty much just use my paper towels to wipe out the cast iron. I am also a fellow French press user- all grounds go into the compost, or roses, of course...

I just assumed all widowed people were like this.

Things are going really well in my new relationship, but I find I still talk to dh a fair amount-- perhaps because I switched from talking to god to talking to him? Of course, the 'conversations' we share have evolved over the past 5+ years. He's become more my friend than lover. I find I can carry him with me without letting it interfere with my relationship with bf. And yeah, forgotten wife, it is starting to not feel weird at all!

I'm so happy for you! And because I know you (are like me and) think about stuff way too much, I am wondering if this major joint purchase will be able to finally quiet down that voice in your head that is cranky he doesn't want to get married to you. I mean, you can't get much more committed than this...

Don't know if this article has been posted somewhere already, but thought it was a great idea: http://www.thehindu.com/life-and-style/talking-death-over-tea/article19325714.ece

I spread his ashes in the same country I live in, and drove, so no experience with airplane travel. Half of his ashes are in a cemetery nearby. At the time, I couldn't bear to bury them all, but after a few years it felt wrong to keep them in a box, gathering dust. So I chose to spread them in the state he always wanted to live in. My biggest tip is to make sure you are spreading them downwind of you, otherwise you will have DH all over you! I carried him in a zip lock bag- you might wanna double bag him, just in case there is some leakage, then put them in, like, a cosmetics bag? I used my hand to scoop out the ashes, but some people bring along some kinda scooper. I also took along a bottle of wine to toast him. I took all of the ashes I had and it was a very beautiful and moving experience, but it was harder to give them up than I thought it would be. Afterwards, I had regrets I didn't keep back a small vial, but that regret has faded with time.

Wait- one more please! Here's the thing about (non)belief systems- when someone disagrees with us, that act in itself can feel like hostility sometimes. Take for example my vegetarianism. When people find out about it, there are the curious, the derisive, the angry, and the kindred spirits. (Sound familiar?) None of these reactions/feelings have anything whatsoever to do with me. They are a reflection of how that person already feels about stuff. It's annoying to deal with the negativity and the feeling attacked, but I had to stop taking it so personally for my own sanity. I think sometimes we just need to alter our thinking about stuff. Like, I used to be really annoyed dealing with drivers who were trying to get to their destination like it was the Indy500. Sometimes their selfish behaviors made me super angry. But then one day I decided to imagine those race car drivers were rushing somewhere really important- like their first child's birth or their mother's deathbed. So now, instead of being angry, I wish them only good thoughts as they speed away from me. So- for example- when you see someone giving a 'warning: Christian content ahead' instead of feeling sad or ashamed by it, remind yourself that the OP is just trying to be gentle with others here who are incredibly angry at their God and might wish to read/say nothing about the subject. They are just trying to save someone from an extra layer of pain- and where's the shame in that? I am someone who is not naturally an optimist. I have to work at it by forcefully switching a negative thought to a positive one and it truly has made my life easier when I manage it. I actually quite liked this thread even in all it's messiness.

I rarely use paper towels- one roll can last me months. Instead, I have two canisters in the kitchen that I keep rags in and I just use those then throw 'em in with the laundry- unless the job is too gross, then I simply throw away. My favorite rags are cut up old flannel sheets. I also use cloth napkins- i prefer 100% cotton. I find cute ones at the thrift stores or I cut out big squares of fabric with pinking sheers so they don't require any sewing. I just made some super cute ones out of a vintage dress that had seen better days. I grow many of my herbs. This can be done in pots, if space is a problem. I dry out a bunch in the Fall for winter use. Craigslist and Next Door always have free stuff for the taking- but it can go quick! I've gotten free firewood, dirt, mulch, plants, pots, furniture, Weber grill. i love my bread machine. I can make super fancy or heathy breads for pennies. Actually, if you love baked goods as much as I do, it's cheaper to make them yourself and then freeze- cookies, scones, muffins, fruit bread or cake sliced into servings.

I understand why toosoon wrote what she did. It is sad and frustrating to keep watching portside push people off this site by playing the role of morality police. It's just not necessary on a site like this and it's upsetting to see how completely tone-deaf he can be to people who are in serious need of some real help. And I get that some conservatives and Christians may feel uncomfortable here, because this place is exceedingly all-inclusive. But that is the nature of joining a public place that does not claim one exclusive religion, country, political party, etc. We must ALL practice accepting that others do not live by our rules/morals/thoughts and we cannot expect them to. Live and let live, if you will. This means a Jewish lesbian posts right next to a straight atheist widower, and a newly married Christian wid, next to a Muslim who was married 30 years, and a father of six next to a widow whose children are of the furry kind. To me, this is a very beautiful thing, but I do get that it's not everyone's cup of tea and can require some serious stepping out of one's comfort zone. I'd like to think if people stick around long enough they'll start to notice the similarities in our stories and stop fixating on the differences. I know (because it's come up more than once) that some people are irritated this is not a site strictly for people who were legally married. But I have a hard time accepting the bride whose spouse died on their honeymoon is much more deserving of being here than the couple who lived together for 10 years without a legal contract. Many years ago I knew a man who watched his girlfriend of a mere six month die of an asthma attack- her first one- right in front of him. It messed him up for years. I bet he could have used a site like this. And why not have the compassion to let him? What does it take away from all of us to extend that kindness to a fellow human being? There are others who are upset/angry at any talk of dating or re-marriage. They are absolutely pissed that we allow such things to be discussed on a widowed board. I admit I was repulsed and judgmental about these things my first year of widowhood. But I didn't tell those people in the social section how disgusting I thought they were, I kept it to myself because I knew It Was My Problem!!! And I eventually got over it. Completely. We are a messy emotional group of folks thrown together with exactly one thing in common- what could possibly go wrong with that? Ha!

Today my boyfriend seriously pissed me off and it ended up making me miss my husband. My husband couldn't bear for us to be angry at each other for very long, but my bf can go all day holding onto his grudges. Funny how my husband had the much shittier temper but wanted things resolved Right Away... As for cooking- my husband taught me how to cook and I did end up doing the majority. My boyfriend enjoys cooking, so we share that task pretty evenly. I much prefer baking actually- though he is in charge of the pie-making.

I am a big fan of the hand-holding experience. I once dated someone (for 3 years) who wasn't and it made me pretty sad and frustrated. I do hope you get to experience that unique joy again some day, oneoftwo. Even holding a child's hand has always brought to me a feeling of bliss- so tiny and soft and trusting. (also kinda germy, I guess). One of the first times holding hands after widowhood we were alone in the woods but I still blushed fiercely and felt all kinds of self-conscious and awkward. And yes, it did feel super-duper racy!

Perhaps what you see as demanding he sees as merely being helpful. He might be feeling relieved you've finally shown an interest. I mean, it doesn't sound like he has a whole lot of interest/experience in the domestic side of a household. Congratulations -it sounds like you've got yourself a blank slate made of malleable clay! Now enjoy being Henry Higgins to his Eliza Doolittle. Just make sure your suggestions always come from a place of good will and you won't sound unreasonable or demanding. A word of warning- men like that aren't usually into sharing the household chores- they gladly hand the reins over to the woman in their lives so be sure to also teach him to take care of shit or you could one day find yourself doing it all!

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. As usual you all remind me that though we walk our widowed path alone, you are all there as my fireflies, fluttering around me as points of light in that darkness. A little update: this weekend is the car show my husband and I started 17 years ago; his car club continues to have it but I no longer work it and rarely attend. I did go to a pre-party they threw last night though. My bf took me because he is a good, secure man- able to surround himself with people who absolutely adored my husband and with The Widow on his arm. Anyway- after last week, it was a nice balm to be around people who love and remember him, who still feel his absence. I was introduced to a man at the bar who, when he found out who I was, enthusiastically told me about doing work for my husband on the show in the early years. I talked to him about it with happy tears running down my face. It was an emotionally exhausting evening but I'm glad I went. And who knows, Euf- maybe he'll tell people tomorrow about running into T's wife and they can share some stories about him. Yes, it is a good thought, isn't it?

Soooo Awesome! I'm happy for you.

Was at a party this weekend. My bf's friends were throwing it, but there is a bit of overlap between his friends and mine. I said hi to a man whose done a few plumbing jobs for me in the past and he asked- how do I know you? I told him my full name- he knew my husband- and there was an instant look of recognition. Then he asks- what's it been, 10 years? (referring to my husband's death). I tell him it's been 5 years and two months. His date cringes and I try to lighten the mood with a bit of gallows humor by telling her it's a common problem, people have trouble remembering who I am without the dead guy next to me. Which is true- it's gotten quite comical for me really. But I ignored the real reason for her cringe because that part was too tender for my heart to properly address. Just the other day I was texting with his best friend and he said- Half of the people don't remember shit about us a few years after we die. I guess that's true, even for someone like my husband, who was known and loved by so many. Over the years I've gone through the dueling phases of fear of forgetting and the desire to forget. But my motivations were based on love and pain. I guess it finally sunk in that for a lot of other people, even those who knew him, he's now just another dead guy from somewhere in the past. I mean, let's be honest- do I remember the day and year my friends, or my friend's parents/siblings all died? Kinda. Sorta. It's funny, I've always been okay with the the idea of being forgotten after death. But my husband cared about his legacy. Maybe that's why it's making me kinda sad.

Your always beautiful posts have helped me immeasurably these past five years. Thank you for that. But I sure wish you'd never had to write any of them.

Widowhood is sadly full of people disappointing us. People saying and/or doing batshit crazy stuff to us. But it's also full of people stepping up to the plate and being there for us, whether it's just for a moment or for the long haul. These people come to my mind this morning: 1. Very early on, when I went to SS to pick up the death benefit, i had to use a kiosk to see which line I needed to be in. there was a police officer standing by who asked me why I was there- I could only say it in a whisper because I was trying so hard not to cry- and he pressed the right buttons for me to get my ticket when my widowbrain was feeling overwhelmed by the task. He was so gentle with me. 2. That first couple years I had zero interest in leaving my house unless it was absolutely necessary. A friend of mine would call up periodically to ask me and my dog to take a walk in the park with her dog and toddler. She knew she could get me by appealing to my dog's need for a good walk, which he wasn't really getting at that point. She also brought yummy homemade snacks for picnicking. 3. A friend I'd known for many years but wouldn't say was too especially close, came and sat on my front porch with me pretty much every single week for two years. She watched me get way too drunk, heard me say some stuff that I'm certain was not at all easy to hear, and kept coming back anyway when most people were terrified to see me and my pain up close. My loyalty to her now is without end. Please share the kindnesses you have experienced from others- both big and small. I think it's so important to have this place where we can vent freely our anger, pain, and sadness- but it's also just as important to remember to feel gratitude for the goodness in our lives, no matter how fleeting it may feel at times.

I can't believe I've neglected to mention the Best Podcast Of Them All! Listened to a few episodes this morning- they are short and sweet and many times bring me to the happiest of tears. It's called Kind World and it's simply about the kindnesses of everyday ordinary people. This podcast reminds me of just how much good exists in the world when I sometimes find myself in despair of myself or the human race. It never fails to make me feel hopeful again.

I'm listening to a couple podcast episodes of 'Death, Sex, and Money' today- she's interviewing widows. One after two years and one after twenty years. http://www.wnyc.org/story/rachel-ward-widow-death-sex-money http://www.wnyc.org/story/katie-couric-death-sex-money

Hi littlebirdie! ❤️ I'm so glad you check in with us, I've been wondering what the heck's been up with you. As for me, I passed my five years in June. I tried three times to write a post about it, but erased each one. Unfortunately, it's been a hard one for me- it came less than a month after my 20th (non)wedding anniversary. In many ways my life is good right now, I've got no real complaints. Though, as it turns out, I am still dealing with some serious grief issues. But I'm finding I no longer want to write about it as much, I feel kinda mute on the subject most of the time. Thank you right back for all the support you gave me in those early days.