Bunny

Once, in the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend was teasing me about a woman (happens to be younger and thinner than me) who has a big ol' crush on him, telling me I better watch out! My response? 'If she can take you, she can have you.' It's not the easiest place to always reside in, but when you have enough faith and security in yourself then you stop worrying about anyone 'stealing' your man. Seriously- if they can be stolen away, you are much better off without them anyway. So worrying about it becomes a fruitless activity. (Incidentally, he loved my response.) Also- it's better if they have a good relationship with the ex rather than a really shitty one. Soooo much better.

You are a smart and thoughtful woman. But you suffer from the same afflictions I myself have to fight against- fixation and rumination. To follow along with TooSoon's excellent advice on Acceptance, I will add that the truest and freest way to love anyone is without expectations. When i am able to release myself from their grip it is amazing how much easier my life becomes, how much lighter, happier I feel. Look, your relationship with your DH was absurdly ideal. And your boyfriend had finally found a woman he wanted to marry. You both got to reach that Peak of Ultimate Joy. And then they died on you. And now here you both are, stuck with less than perfect and a baby probably the only thing holding you two together. Well, I don't really think that's true, but I'm sure it's felt like it sometimes. You know, babies can be extremely hard on a relationship. That's a test neither of you dealt with with DH or fiancé, so true comparisons can't really be that accurate, can they? I've watched many a blissful relationship take a nosedive when children came along. And it can take parents quite a while to get their sea legs back. Throw a couple dashes of widowhood into the mix and is it any wonder you two are having some pretty darn intense growing pains? It's funny how you want to be your boyfriend's ideal while freely admitting he is most certainly not yours- human nature is such a silly, fickle little thing sometimes, isn't it? You want what you cannot give. And, to make matters worse, your boyfriend is seemingly content with this. I was super duper into marrying my husband, but I have zero desire to marry my boyfriend- even though I'm planning on being with him until one of us drops dead. I don't know why I'm not interested. I know he wants to get married, but thus far has not tried to push the matter (probably because he knows I don't take ultimatums very well). I'm going to recommend a book to you that a widow recommended on the ywbb. Actually, I wish I could make everyone in the world read this book- it has helped me so much. Here's a review of it I just found on-line: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/heart-and-soul-healing/201303/undefended-love Please, please, please Read This Book before you decide what it is you want or don't want.

Thanks for the smile today! So happy you all have each other, it's a beautiful thing.

Crappy day- so here I am, trying to power on through! 1. Though we got a late start, the garden has been giving us plenty of food to eat and give away. 2. Captured/released two bees from my house this morning so they can continue to go forth and pollinate. 3. The new squirrel triplets in my front tree are very rambunctious and a bit on the destructive side, but they sure are cute to watch.

Sirin- I can see why your current relationship is so appealing and fulfilling for you. widowhood seems to have made me less inclined towards more conventional paths also, though it's manifested differently in my life. We each find our own unique meandering roads towards our happiness...

I'm going to speak in general, simple terms. I know these things won't be true for everyone as there will always be extenuating circumstances involved, and we are all unique beings. Women share deep emotional relationships with spouse, friends, family. Men share a deep emotional relationship with their spouse. Period. After a partner dies, women can cobble together an emotional support system to help them get by. Men have a more difficult time finding this, so they are drawn to re-coupling sooner than women. It's hard to live without emotional intimacy.

I really feel for you, klim, because I am one of those people who likes LOTS of alone time. Always have, though widowhood seems to have intensified it. Solitude is what recharges me, but it seems I always end up in relationships with men who could be with me 24/7. When my bf began increasing our time together it did make me kinda anxious and I could tell he felt a bit put out by my need to be alone, but I just had to demand it anyway. Slowly I've just gotten used to him nearly always being around, but it's been an adjustment and honestly I do wish I had more space. It's been 3 years. Sometime I've just had to tell him: let me have some time to miss you. I do feel passionate about him, about us- but it's still different from the younger me. Is it age? Widowhood? I just...I dunno...I hold a piece of me back somehow. And I am more quick to put up walls. But at the same time there are other ways that widowhood has made me a better partner. I do think we fell into 'domestic bliss' much more quickly than I have in the past, but maybe that's because I was married for 15 years? I'm better at setting boundaries-telling him what I need and what is unacceptable- so in some ways this feels like a more equal partnership than my marriage. I no longer feel the need to be married, even though I'm planning on this being my last relationship, have zero desire to look elsewhere. I'm totally content, even as I feel more capable than ever to also be okay being on my own. As for his lingering good nights...you gotta nip that in the bud! Just tell him 'say goodnight, Gracie', give him a lovely hug and kiss, and send him on his way. Be loving, but firm! I have friends who hate the quiet- love crowds and noise and derive their energy from socializing, so I get his feelings but you can't sacrifice your mental well-being for him- he can get his fix from other sources/friends!

While it's true they could be heartless cheaters, it could also be true they are in open or sexless relationships- you just never know what goes on behind those closed doors...

I took my husband's beautiful last name in exchange for my unpronounceable maiden name without a second thought Used Mrs. and Ms. equally throughout my marriage. I'm strictly Ms. now.

Tybec, I think your bf is being wholly unreasonable in his request to remove LH from your new home. Especially since you have a child. That's just plain ego talking there. Does he object to displaying memorabilia of all dead people in general or is it simply LH in particular? Would he have a problem with a picture of your late father being displayed? Why or why not? You have a son. How do you think he is gonna feel if you ask him to hide any reminder of his dad? How is he going to feel if your bf decides to take this one step further and forbid you two to talk about your late husband altogether? You have a dead husband. Your son has a dead father. Your bf needs to grow up and realize you have a past and you're not going to act like it's some kinda shameful secret. How is this guy gonna be any kind of decent step-father some day if he has trouble acknowledging your son has a dad who he wants to be able to remember and talk about? I'm assuming here you're not walking around acting all wistful and waxing poetic about your marriage to LH... perhaps you can try to explain it in psychological terms- the importance LH still plays in the life of your son, and in his future emotional well-being? I mean, I do get the feeling jealous, it's a natural thing. But sometimes one has to work through these feelings for the greater good-- or move on if they realize they just can't. I am realizing how fortunate I am to have a bf who doesn't mind me displaying the wedding portrait my FIL painted. As long as I treat him as the number one man in my life, it's all good. And I don't even have any children. Hell, I still have pictures up of my dog who died 14 years ago...he was a damn good dog.

I dunno, I guess I must run around in some different kinda circles as I know plenty of happily married women who, before they settled down into their faithful decades of matrimony, sowed some serious wild oats. I know men who did this also. These are folks I love and respect and consider good people- they are honest, earnest, productive members of society who have also slept with perfect strangers. It has honestly never occurred to me to think less of anyone for this. But then, I slept with my husband on our first date so what can you expect, right? As for this guy- who knows what's up? From my casual perusal of the dating threads on here, it seems pretty common for both men and women to ghost/flake out without any reason given whatsoever. I wouldn't take it personally.

Perhaps we can set up a separate sub-forum here where us patriarchal dudes (don't worry, I'm sure you're not one of them) can submit our posts to see if they will give offense. Please stop trying to make this into some kinda politically (in)correct issue when it's really not.This is not a religious site and 'confessions of a widow' is known to be a thread where people are free to share thoughts that are less than pure without having to fear any of the judgments they might get irl. I've watched portside shame 3 people right off this board- people not nearly as far along in this journey as he, so most probably in need of it more than he appears to be. So yeah- I do wish he'd cut it out with the judgmental bullshit he keeps handing to people. The whole purpose of his comments is to try and make people feel ashamed of their feelings. If they want that, they can visit a house of worship instead. This is a widow board full of raw feelings people should feel safe sharing while they're trying to sort their shit out.

Ummmm....WOW. Moms are certainly complicated funny little creatures sometimes, eh? Mine was obsessed with telling me- from Day One- that I was depressed and she understood exactly how I felt because she had suffered through major bouts of depression in her life also. So had I, so I knew this was NOT depression. This was grief. It is completely different and cannot be medicated away. She spent months trying to get me to take pills, calling my feelings depression instead of grief- Even Though I Kept Repeating To Her That Wasn't The Problem. It was very frustrating and made me feel invisible to her. So how about saying something about how Grief doesn't mean you're depressed (though, yes, that can happen to some people). It means you're Really Really Super Duper Sad- beyond all belief SAD. Down into the very marrow of your bones SAD. not depressed. It's different. Stop trying to quantify my sadness and just let me be sad because it's perfectly Normal and Sane to be this Incredibly Sad when something this horrible has happened. It's probably never a good idea to start any sentence to the bereaved person with 'I know just how you feel...'

Ummmm...she bought the exact same kind of car your husband died in -3 months after his death, and likes to have the heart-to-heart conversations with you in public settings...Wtf? She is either supremely clueless or likes to create the drama. In either case, I'd suggest you spell out your boundaries very clearly -and keep repeating them as needed. Maybe do something kinda like I did and tell her you need some space for now? Seriously- why be around friends who are emotionally exhausting?

I'm sorry I missed your post, so I can only guess from the two responses what it said. I'll share a bit and maybe it will help? As is pretty usual, i lost a lot of people when my husband got diagnosed with cancer, and then some more when he died. But one of those people was one of my closest friends. She came to his death bed and apologized for ignoring us. Then around the first anniversary of his death she sent me a heartfelt letter apologizing for choosing to abandon me some more. She said I probably hated her and she'd understand if I didn't write back. The truth was I felt numb and ambivalent towards her and I never did respond. I still have no interest in rekindling that friendship. I had another friend who stood by me all through my husband's cancer, but she was Super Not Helpful when I became widowed so I told her we needed to stop talking for a while. After almost a year we were able to resume our friendship and there is no lingering tensions whatsoever. Some friendships can be repaired and some can't. Honestly, I think of all those people as acquaintances now. And my actual friends, who were there for me (and my husband), I treasure even more now. I might be an anolmly, though, as I've read one of the characteristics of a military brat is our excellent ability to cut people from our lives- much easier than the average person can. This 'skill' seems to have served me quite well in widowhood.

Was at a party recently, didn't know many people. Start making polite chit chat with a woman that somehow turns into more personal stuff and her proclaiming divorce is just a traumatic as widowhood. I try to go with it by asking sympathetically about (what I assumed to be) her very shitty divorce. Turns out, they still talk all the time! I was speechless so the pronouncement ended up just sitting there between us. Probably best. The texting assumption for a fatal car accident reminds me of the 'did he smoke?' question I got when telling people how my husband died. It's just such a stupid, insensitive, shitty thing to ask- whether they smoked/texted or they didn't. These questions imply the dead person is at fault for being dead. These questions/pronouncements are ALL about the person being terrified of death and needing to justify that this could never ever happen to them or someone they love. Well, guess what people?! Spoiler Alert: you're gonna fuckin' die someday.

I hate when people use God to explain their good fortune. It makes me wanna be super snarky and say 'Well, I guess He must really hate all those little kids who die from cancer, huh?' But then I'd have to hear about how God just needed some more angels.

So wonderful to see all the ways you are growing and evolving. Will keep you in my thoughts today- keep on keepin' on, sister...

Bob Marley 'Three Little Birds' https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PGYAAsHT4QE

Thank you for starting this thread. Your words have always moved me and I've been worrying about you. It's funny how much love you can have in your heart for a complete stranger. It feels like this site has not yet made it to the place the old board had reached, where people felt more comfortable sharing the raw and ugly and scary feelings. I think it's important to keep posting stuff like this (please). Hopefully it will inspire someone else to feel safe enough to be completely honest about where their head is at. I'm also a slow griever. It's five years next month (and I am in a good relationship) and I am struggling still. But it is different, evolving, and I'm having trouble putting any of it into words, so most of the time I just don't try anymore. It feels embarrassing, or something. I do remember the long time widow Euf mentioned from the old board (all that lost wisdom makes me so sad) and her words give me hope that it won't always be like this. Keep writing -even when it feels stupid and pointless and whiny. Keep sharing- even when it feels you are the last one straggling behind everyone else. Because there are people reading your words who are not bold enough to share their own but need desperately to see they are not alone.

I'm so glad you posted. I'd never joined an on-line group before and found it very helpful those first couple of years when everything felt so dark and hopeless. Vent away when you need to- that's what we're here for. At almost 5 years I am finally taking steps to see a therapist. I should have done it sooner, I don't know why it's been so difficult for me to go. I am so thankful for this site, I hope it can be of help for you also.

1. An old friend is in town for the weekend, visiting from Canada. It's been really nice hanging out with him. 2. Got invited to a friend's house to hear some live music last night- a couple from New Mexico that play a bluegrass/Cajun blend. It was fun! 3. I decided to do a juice fast this week. I'd forgotten how labor-intensive it is and how much vegetables and fruit it takes, but I'm feeling really good. (I, too, love singing along to my car radio- been listening to a lot of classic rock and I'm a big fan of making up new lyrics!)

I'm drunk before 2pm...been a while since that's happened. But hey- ''tis the season and all that...life will go back to 'normal' middle of next month, I suppose. Right now I am smack in the middle of Crazy Town. I am surrounded by people who love me, and I tell them I love them too, but I'm not sure I believe it so much anymore because my meaning of love is just...kinda weird now...or something. It's impossible for me to put it into words. I wish I could. my world is much smaller now and I'm so okay with it that I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me that I can be like this so easily. Yeah, people have cut me from their lives, but I'm at expert levels at cutting people out or not letting them in past a certain point. I've never felt colder as a human being- wtf, bunny?! My anxiety is at such a fever pitch but I keep trying to pretend I'm okay. Unfortunately I'm a terrible liar and it keeps leaking out. Is it widowhood? Menopause? Both? Fuck if I know.

it would be nice if an employer was willing to offer (paid or unpaid) *at least* a month off for an especially difficult loss- like a child or spouse. Doesn't mean one has to take it if keeping busy is a better coping mechanism, just would be super helpful to at least have the option of extra time without having the worry about getting fired during the most hellish moments of one's life. But I do understand that some companies have trouble setting aside their bottom line when the inconvenience of, say, death or grave illness occurs. A few years ago, when a friend of mine was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor, his boss didnt fired him- even when he could no longer work, even after the year mark of not working had passed. His employer kept him on the (small, local) company's healthcare plan and deposited paychecks like clockwork, until his death. Those are the kinds of companies that people remember and remain loyal to, but they're probably rare. Unfortunately, unless someone is intimately familiar with abject grief, most people are simply unable to comprehend just how much it can seriously fuck you up mentally, spiritually, and physically. I know I personally was super shocked. I hope your ex finds a way to meet her emotional needs while keeping her job. I'm just so heartbroken for the both of you...

Twenty years ago today my late husband and I got married. It was a beautiful day, weather-wise, and we were so very, very happy. This is one of my favorite photos from that day.