Bunny

someone on here once recommended throwing ice cubes against an outside wall or tree- the satisfaction of breaking something without the messy clean up. Sounds like you could use some of that ice therapy- or perhaps invest in a punching bag...

nonesuch is in my thoughts quite a bit...wondering how they are doing... seeing that her status has changed from member to guest makes my heart sink. Does anyone on here know her irl? If you have any kind of updates, please share. I'm worried about her.

Nick Cave sits in a Sydney hotel room, his chair facing the floor-to-ceiling windows, the city bathed in summer sun beyond and below. “Look,” he continues, patiently choosing his words, “not to just keep going on about this, but the whole grief thing, there's nothing good about it whatsoever. People will tell you other things, but it's like a fucking disease. A contagion that not only affects you but everybody around you. And it's cunning. And you can feel good and you can be getting on with things, and then it just comes up and sort of punches you in the back of the head and you're down and you're out for the count for a while. I don't just mean psychologically, I mean physically too. Grief and illness and tiredness feed off each other in a kind of feeding frenzy.' - from an interview in GQ magazine

Yup, makes perfect sense to me. I'm such a contradiction now- more open to expressing myself, and also much quicker to put up walls to shut people out. I was seriously opposed to falling in love again, even as it was happening. My philosophy was that he was just gonna die on me so what's the point. But man, it sure felt good to feel good again. I was very open about my reluctance to be in a relationship, even as I started 'playing house' with him. It was weird. Not like when I was single before.

...you read in the news about a couple in your state who both died in a car crash the day after their wedding and your first thought is 'well, that's fortunate, it woulda sucked if one of them had lived'. My second thought was for their poor families, losing their children so very young. I can't imagine...

Well...I know there is a widow on here who started dating her husband's brother and they ended up getting married and having a baby. There's a picture of them on here- they look very happy! IRL I met a woman who ended up with her late husband's best friend. She said in the beginning people were confused and less than supportive but that it was comforting for both of them to be able to talk so freely and openly about missing him and sharing memories of him- it seemed more companionate than romantic. For me, if my husband's best friend started coming on to me I'd be totally freaked out/repulsed because he is truly like a brother to me. So, I guess it kinda depends on your feelings towards him...

Yup.

Text ignorer here...for me, it really is nothing personal. I just can't stand the expectation that I am forever at the beck and call of others- yes, even with those I love deeply- and especially when I am feeling down. When I'm out of sorts my phone exhausts me. I dunno, maybe I'm part dude? Men do have their limits when it comes to having talks and their attention span can waver. I found it very helpful, in the first couple years of my relationship, to write letters which I would either put in the mailbox or send in an e-mail. I wrote them in order to get my feelings out properly and without any expectation that we would ever even discuss what I wrote. It was very cathartic, but I do recommend never writing and sending in haste. Hmmm...I guess I'm also a bit on the Victorian side also!

My husband had a stepdad who was English and taught him about beans on toast. I myself couldn't get on board, but it sure was nice to be able to make him that as a 'treat' when I didn't feel like cooking!

Ah, yes. I see. Sorry about that- I guess my enthusiasm got the best of me, a bit carried away...yeah- my go-to answer to more than a few things lately seems to be anger. And yes- toast is most excellent. If you are fond of cinnamon and sugar I highly recommend using coconut oil instead of butter.

Oh my goodness- I hate wasting food! Luckily, I have an old dog who eats 'people food' and a compost bin for the few things that go bad (that makes me feel a bit less sad about tossing stuff). Here's what I've done to cut down on this 'horror': I keep a big bag in the freezer for vegetables that are about to turn, scraps from cooking each day, and cheese rinds. When I have enough, I make a giant pot of vegetable broth, which I then freeze in meal size containers. tortellini (which I buy in bulk and freeze) in vegetable broth with a little cheese on top makes for a super easy yummy meal. If there are any leftovers from a soup I've made I immediately put them into single serving containers and freeze- I kinda hate eating the same thing right away and then I always have soup on hand when I don't feel like cooking. I love fancy salads but hate making them so sometimes I splurge at the health food store by purchasing a pre-made single serving salad. It's so worth it. I freeze a lot of fruit for use in future baking and smoothies. I love to bake and smoothies are an easy go-to meal. My favorite is spinach, cucumber, and mango (all things you can freeze!) with some lime juice. If you're growing beans, basil, and potatoes I highly recommend pasta pesto with potatoes and beans- I make it once a week and even like it cold! For me, it's been learning to take stock of the food situation every day (usually while I'm waiting for the coffee in the morning.) I just got a cookbook by Tracy Yabiku called 'Baking For Two' that is totally rocking my world. She also has a blog, but I haven't checked it out yet.

Oh, it is nowhere NEAR the torture of my first two years! Every day felt unbearable- I remember so many mornings, as my brain entered back into consciousness, I'd immediately burst into tears. To quiet my thoughts I pretty much drank myself to sleep for two years. I don't do either of those things anymore. In the beginning much of my grief was focused on him. Now the focus/ the issues center more on me. I don't think of him constantly, he's more just there kinda like people who talk to god, I guess- always available but mostly unobtrusive. Honestly, it's not a bad thing, just a random thought I had and wondered if other people did too. Hell, I still think of my first dog pretty often, still have pictures up, and he's been gone 15 years. I remember meeting a woman around the one year mark, who, when finding out I was a widow, cried telling me about her first husband dead 20 years. She was happily married again so I was kinda freaked about her tears, but 5 years on, I get it. Thank you, everyone, for sharing. The differences and the sameness both make me feel more sane.

It's been a little over five years and I still think about him every single day. Will it always be like this? 25 years from now will I still be thinking of him every single day? I mean, it's not like it's debilitating or destroys me the way it used to. He's just...there. I guess I'm just wondering if there will ever come a day when not even one fleeting thought is about him for a solid 24 hours. In some ways I can't believe how fucked up I still am about some of it. In other ways, I never thought I'd ever be able to heal this much.

This reminds me of my second year of widowhood when men started hitting on me and I would just wryly tell them: 'I'm not lookin' for another project.'

I'm in contact with my FIL and his mother, I have severed all ties with my MIL's side of the family. I am very open with my FIL and his mom about the whole thing and they are supportive of my feelings.

I have zero to hide and don't particularly like people having access to my phone or e-mail- not even my husband, not even my boyfriend. I'll do it, but always reluctantly. And I'm not the quiet secretive type at all- I'm pretty much an open book...but don't be looking at my correspondence! it's his headache, so why go looking for more than what he offers if it's just gonna irritate you? He's doing you a favor- and himself, because he obviously doesn't want to use his time with you to discuss her, right? I mean, he's already got one big headache- you're his solace. So why would he want to drag his solace into his headache? Women tend to like to communicate a lot more than men do- I wouldn't take it personally.

Good luck, klim! I approached 5 weeks in Europe with my bf with the greatest of trepidation: we'd been dating less than a year, I'm someone who really needs my alone time, we were spending most our time in a country where only he spoke the language. Turns out we travel really well together, even with both of us getting sick. A few mini-squabbles, of course, but overall we were a good team. My husband was kind of a terrible traveler...it's strange to realize I've been on more vacations with bf in our 3 years together than in the 17 I was with DH.

Thank you for stating, so succinctly, the reality with many of my friends/family. Unfortunately, I'm still working through some feelings of anger and hurt when it comes to a few of my closer former friends. I think that's why I try not to think about it- because when something triggers that reality I just feel so abandoned by them- easier to not go there. KK- I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but unfortunately it's just another part of grief nobody tells you about. Who could know- or believe- how some people will react towards us in widowhood? Most of the time I'm cool with how tiny my world has become, but every once in a while something happens that makes me take a giant step back from my life so I can really truly look at the scope of all those secondary losses and it still- quite unexpectedly- makes me cry.

1. My home has central air conditioning. 2. I know someone who has a pool in their backyard and am allowed liberal use. 3. New flowers pop up in my yard all the time, it's nice I get to enjoy so much beauty.

Yup. Totally cried when I took his name off the vehicles. Congrats on getting it done...

I am childless. So- no firsthand experience but I've been around kids a lot, and had parent friends talk with me about their issues quite a bit, so have made a few observations- but feel free to dismiss me as a clueless one, I promise I won't be offended ;D I have noticed that in my own childhood it was not unusual at all for an adult to step into the parenting role as needed- the whole 'it takes a village' philosophy. whereas today many parents take great offense at any kind of help whatsoever- it can be perceived as judgment and an over-stepping of boundaries. I see that parenting has become a 'competitive sport' and it makes me sad because parenting seems more like separate tiny islands experience now rather than the village one I remember. I get that some criticisms are absolute judgment wrapped up as 'concern'- that's super unhelpful and annoying. But sometimes an outsider can offer a clear-eyed perspective because they are not as emotionally attached. It can be a hard thing to put our egos far enough away from a situation to see things in a different light. Add to that the fact that you have been parenting all alone all these years without having to compromise with anyone else- honestly, I could see how that would be annoying to contemplate. For me, it's been a struggle of liking the extra help around the house but sometimes chaffing under the (very reasonable) expectation that I now have to compromise on stuff that I might not want to. I don't like feeling like someone else is trying to control me or my world. I find myself needing a lot more autonomy now than I did in my marriage. As with most things that require dealing with others, communication is key. Lots of talking and really truly listening to each other- especially when it is way beyond our comfort level. Growth can be painful, sometimes I'm so damn sick of all the growing I'm having to do, but what's the alternative- set in my ways with a closed off mind? So...I'm *trying* to keep pushing my boundaries. It's a balancing act really- what's worth drawing a line in the sand for and what sand castles can we let get washed away with the tide? Or something like that.

Made me think of this thread: https://ericaroman.me/2017/07/07/a-widows-rage-defense-of-patton-oswalts-engagement/

My husband suffered from chronic depression. Though it was cancer- not suicide- that ended up killing him. Mental illness is just like any other disease- sometimes it's terminal. No matter how many cures we try to throw its way. Unfortunately, there is still a lot of stigma involved. I have known a few people who died from suicide and I never got the whole 'it's selfish' thinking either- makes no logical sense. For what it's worth- feeling guilty affects many widowed no matter how their partner died and more people than you imagine will 'help you' try to figure out how getting cancer was your spouse's fault. It's best for us to remember that other people's reaction to suicide - or cancer- says everything about them and nothing about our partners. I'm so sorry you need to be here with us.

I don't like to talk or think about his last two years AT ALL. If something triggers it, tears sprout from my eyes and I use all of my energy to stuff that shit down as best I can. I just can't go there beyond the vaguest of references to it. when I talk about my husband it's usually in a passing anecdote of some sort related to the conversation at hand. It doesn't go any deeper than that unless the other person chooses to take it there. I tend to keep it light and matter-of-fact and that helps uncomfortable people power through the momentary awkwardness and secret mourners to feel open with me. I used to be positively obsessed with everyone knowing I was widowed. I'm letting go of that desperate need slowly over the years, but I can't imagine a time where I just shut that door completely. But who knows? Widowhood continues to surprise me even after 5 years.

I started using 'late husband' after the first time I used husband and boyfriend together in the same sentence and saw the confusion it caused on the other people's faces. I am pretty open about my widowhood. It's shaped the person I am today and I can't stand the thought of not ever being able to talk about him- like he never existed or is some dark secret...he was my best friend for 17 years! I've actually gotten into some really amazing conversations because of my openness. The world is filled with people afraid to talk about the dead stuff- but it turns out there are loads of people who just want the freedom to be able to talk about their dead.