Bunny

No one knows for sure how they will cope with widowhood while their spouse is still breathing. I remember frantically trying to calm myself with some kind of a 'plan' those last few days...that all flew right out the window the moment he died in my arms. And I realized how ridiculous it was to have even thought I could imagine what my life would be like without him. widowhood is truly unfathomable until you experience it for yourself. I don't know why your DIL was foolish enough to discuss this topic with you, it certainly was incredibly tacky and insensitive- to say the least. I do feel the intense anger you are now placing onto DIL more than likely stems from the rage you still feel for your mother and her choices. Since you have asked, here is my own heartfelt advice; though it is far from simple, for your own sake and the sake of your family, please try to find a way to forgive her absolute ignorance and foolishness. Understand that no matter how she *thinks* things would be, actually *feeling* those things is something else entirely. I myself am trying to work through some of my own anger and resentments, so I realize what I am asking of you is very difficult. I read this quote a while back and have found it to be helpful when I find myself overcome with anger. I hope it can be of some use for you also: 'To understand everything is to forgive everything'. -Buddha

This is an interesting subject for me. My husband was the third man I lived with, the other two were boyfriends, and in all three cases I moved in with them fairly quickly and quite easily. Though I've always been one to need lots of alone time, I found cohabitation suited me. But now...this is the longest I've ever lived alone and I've really come to enjoy it. A lot. I am committed to my bf, plan on spending the rest of my life with him. I know he wants to get married, he's made that pretty clear. (Which is kinda huge, considering he's made it to his 50s without ever wanting to tie the knot.) But I am in no hurry to live together, let alone get married. I am probably more compatible with him than with any man I've ever been with, so it's interesting to me that something so important in my 20s and 30s is no longer so necessary for my emotional well-being. I'm not saying it will never happen, just that I no longer NEED these things to happen in order to feel loved and fulfilled in my relationship. Widowhood can change one's perspective in the most unexpected ways sometimes. Bf and I are both childless, so we do spend quite a bit of time together right now anyway. I love being with him. But I also love kissing him goodbye and sending him on his way. Plus, I think it's hilarious- and fun- to say 'my boyfriend' at the ripe ol' age of 51. Just like how I really and truly loved saying 'my husband' when I was married.

They made a holiday dinner in YOUR home, but did NOT include you?!?!?!! They are trying to guilt you into getting rid of your and wife's dogs?!?!!!!!!!? They make you feel unwelcome in your very own home?! Absolutely Unacceptable, ungrateful, and disrespectful. They appear to be hurting, not helping, your grief. Are you sure they moved in to help you and not just for a free place to live? Because they sound like people who are trying to take advantage of a man while he is weak with grief... Please, please- for your sanity, your dogs' safety, and a future good relationship with your daughter and grandchild, give them a deadline to move out. Consider it a Christmas gift to yourself.

I'm so sorry, Amy. I am glad you were there with her and that it was a peaceful experience. Your family is in my thoughts.

Well...it's my 4th Christmas as a widow, and for the first time I dragged up all the boxes of decorations that were in the basement gathering dust. They've been sitting in my living room, untouched, for about a week now. But, yeah, maybe this will be the year for me, too...

Makes one realize that although divorced people may bring the 'baggage' of an ex (usually only when children are involved), the widowed have in-laws as their own 'baggage' they carry into a new relationship. My hat's off to those who date us and are willing to meet / socialize with our dead spouse's family- that cannot be such an easy thing...

Dan Savage talking about what makes a relationship work long term. I really do love his pragmatic, though still romantic, approach to love. https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/08/28/the-price-of-admission-dan-savage/

One of my favorite pictures of us. I was in a friend's wedding party, thus the long satin dress- which his Elvis tie matched so perfectly...love the way we're looking at each other. (P.S. The major reason I posted is because this is one of my most favorite threads and I was hoping I'd inspire other people to put up some pictures also. Please...please- its been a while and I'd love to see some more)

From reading your posts the last few months, I know you've always had some doubts, but at the same time admitted many things about your current relationship were better than with LW. So, I'm sure it must be incredibly confusing and painful sorting out what you should do. It does seem that your engagement has ramped up those feelings of doubt...seems one of the problems is the pace of the relationship has been too fast for your comfort level- perhaps it is all starting to feel completely out of your control? you've also mentioned problems cropping up that were also issues with LW. I know in my relationship, if anything feels like it might be straying into past problems I had with LH, it can really put me on 'high alert' and I try to address those concerns with him promptly. Since you are so conflicted, have you considered couples counseling? It might be helpful to have a third party help the two of you sort through all the issues you're having- both within the relationship and within yourselves. Even if it ends with you two breaking up, it might make it easier to deal. I'm sorry you're having to go through all this turmoil.

I'm sorry, Mrs Dan. The anger really sucks. I'm trying to let go of it myself, but when my mind starts looping onto the bad parts, it can really spiral out of control. It's frustrating, because it can make me start questioning that maybe I just made up how happy we were. It feels like it must have been someone else's life. I hate it. It's his birthday today and my old, sickly, feral cat has gone missing- so now I'm back to the guilt of not being able to keep anyone alive. I'm so sorry you're struggling.

His name was Todd. He was funny, silly, beyond infuriating, handsome, vain, charismatic, passionate (the man felt lukewarm about nothing!), pig-headed, larger-than-life, brilliant (but a terrible speller), complicated, affectionate, enjoyed a good meal like no one I know- employing all the senses, and he could throw a fit that would put a toddler to shame- very quick to anger, but was not one to hold a grudge. We were best friends. He had my back and I had his- even in those moments when we hated each other's guts. It was certainly not always an easy marriage- but when it was good, it was oh so very, very good...and when it was bad it was truly horrid. He taught me a lot. He left scars all over my heart- some I need to let go of, and others I am grateful for as a reminder of just how much he adored me. He was my beloved. The center of my world. Today is his birthday. He would have been 50 years old. Happy Birthday, Papa.

Don't really have any advice, but I will say this; I've tried to break up with my boyfriend starting back to when we were just hanging out as friends. I mean, I want to spend the rest of my life with this person- he makes me insanely happy- but I also, periodically, wanna break up with him. I just do. And it usually seems to coincides with highly emotional times. Thankfully, I've learned to keep these trips to crazy town to myself, though he does seem to have a sixth sense for when I'm feeling this way and is very good at dealing with me...man, dating and being in a relationship as a widowed person is just plain weird, isn't it? Good luck!

Oh, wow...thank you for sharing the Colbert interview. Some truly thoughtful feelings/ideas about suffering and grief. Had to read parts of it several times just to take it all in. Just...wow. Thank you.

I am remembering that first couple years, and especially those first few months, I would just need to scream Right Now- the pressure inside would get unbearably intense so I'd grab a pillow and let it out... I remember one time sitting on a friend's porch, she does animal rescue and I didn't want to upset her half a dozen dogs but felt one bubbling to the surface so I calmly apologized, told her I needed to go into her bathroom to scream into a towel, and quickly made my way. It was almost like that feeling of needing to throw up... I hope you are doing better this week, Amy. I think of you often...

i suppose I had the 'wid dream' of having a romantic relationship fall into my lap through no effort on my part whatsoever. He was a college ex who looked me up. At 18 months widowed, I was not ready to date and he had an on/off girlfriend, so for half a year we were simply BFFs. It felt really good to have those moments of respite from my grief. Really good. I was still working through stuff, plus now added having to figure out what to do about this man, but I am so grateful he cared enough to drag me off my porch and back out into the world. We've been dating over a year now and he makes me incredibly happy. That said- if you are ready to get out there then why wait for Fate to find you? Although chance is certainly easier, it is in no way better than the seeking. Although, I do get the whole wanting to be able to tell people: 'look, it's not my fault, I had no intention of falling in love again! This just happened out of the blue, I swear...' In the beginning, I was so worried people would think dating meant I didn't 'really' love my husband. And maybe some people do, but what they think of me is not my problem nor any of my business. Trust me, the guilt over all this will naturally lessen with time. Maybe start small by just getting out into the world more? Coffee shops, poetry readings, art shows, meet-up groups, live music, canoe trips...whatever interests you now. Who knows? Maybe you'll simply make new friends, and then one of them will want to set you up with the 'perfect woman for you'. And, even if it ends disastrously, you can always keep us entertained with the gory details!

Before entering into my relationship with both feet (were friends for a few months first), I dismantled the 'shrines' and removed all pictures of my husband from the bedroom. There are some scattered about the house still, though the number has dwindled over time as I redecorate. My favorite wedding picture, of us kissing, was prominently displayed in the living room until one day I decided he didn't need to see that. There's a rather large oil painting my step-FIL did of our wedding day. I asked bf if it bothered him and he was puzzled that I thought it might. Then again, he's an artist whose apartment is littered with artwork from and black and white photos of various ex-es. The only one I've ever felt any jealousy over is of his last ex and that feeling has lessened the longer we've been together. (Let me add: my bf is a self-professed jealous man- but, apparently, it only applies to living men.) So I do get her feelings, totally. And yeah- maybe more difficult for her since you did not want to end your relationship and harder for her to relate since she can't stand her ex. I do think it's great she's willing to talk about it instead of letting it fester inside and cause resentments. But you have children. They need to see their mom in pictures. It's not like with a divorce where the children have the opportunity to see the other parent in real life, thus eliminating the need to display pictures in the ex's house. The only way your children get to see their mom is through pictures. And getting rid of them might make your kids feel like you are trying to erase her from their lives. So- can you compromise and take down the more 'romantic' looking pictures of the two of you, but leave up ones containing family or of your wife alone?

Yeah, the dreams...I remember in the first one I was a wreck, wondering what to do with them, trying to juggle both without hurting them- not wanting to let go of either, and wondering what my responsibility was- am I really still married? And what does that mean to me now? My second dream, when he came back acting like it was no big deal that he took off, expecting that things could go back to the way they were, I was seriously pissed off- like, don't you know what your death did to me?! How it completely fucking destroyed me?!! And now you come back like it's nothing?!! I have a BOYFRIEND now, and I am NOT going to give him up for you...My DH and I were more like 'opposites attract', my boyfriend is more compatible with me in many ways. My DH was a very charismatic larger than life character whereas my boyfriend is much more mellow. This is what I've come to accept- DH was perfect for me at 31 and my boyfriend is perfect for me at 51. Being married to and widowed by my DH has made me who I am today. Who knows if things would have worked out so well had I gotten together with my boyfriend at 30? Perhaps it fundamentally changed me in ways that make what I have now so incredibly good. letting go of the guilt of this has been a process, but I've done it. I think. I'm happy now. He is perfect for who I am today in ways that my DH could not be anymore. What a strange road widowhood has been...

I did pretty much nothing my first year of widowhood. I practically lived on my front porch and let everything fall to the wayside. I didn't want to work at my old job anymore. I didn't want to keep busy. I didn't want to exercise. I didn't want to feel better. I just wanted to grieve. The only distraction I gave myself was marathon sessions of watching shows on Netflix. Eventually, in the second year, I got so bored with myself. I got sick and tired of my constant grieving. And I started taking baby steps to enter back into the land of the living. I'm still taking those steps- big, small, backwards, forwards, in my 4th year of widowhood. I do wish I didnt still have so many anxiety issues, but everyone was right: Time is your friend. Your very very Best Friend. You are NOT a loser, you're just on your own unique path towards healing. Some people are just very internal, the ruminator types. Yeah- it can be a confusing approach to others: seemingly non-productive, lazy, and self-indulgent. I got my share of subtle, gentle, loving lectures. But I gave myself permission to be completely self-absorbed and still that first year -and refused to be pushed or feel bad about it. It's what I needed, it's just the way my brain works. And you know what? I'm pretty darn happy with my life right now. P.S. I remember in those early months sometimes digging my nails as hard as I could into my flesh to relieve some of the pain and thinking: huh. Now I kinda get why people take up cutting. It had always puzzled me before...

I love that quote- thank you for sharing it here. Mary Oliver's poetry speaks to me so deeply, has helped in understanding my grief and in learning to heal. I also recommend these two: The Summer Day: http://static1.squarespace.com/static/537fb45ce4b05a01674e441a/t/53b759fce4b0998a1be6e4e4/1404525070612/the-summer-day-plain.jpg The Uses of Sorrow http://www.windturbinesyndrome.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Mary-Oliver-on-sorrow.jpg You are in my thoughts, wheelerswife, and your approach to dealing with your grief has always been an inspiration to me. Even when I wasn't ready to be so optimist...thank you.

Bless me widows, for I have sinned: 1) I, too, took up smoking again while my husband was dying of cancer. Have spent the last year trying to be completely quit, but keep having relapses. 2) I started drinking alcohol after he died- he'd been sober the last 10 years of his life. I rarely drank the entire 17 years we were together. My first couple years of widowhood were spent in a drunken haze. 3) My boyfriend is so much more laid back- life is easier with him in many ways. I'm relieved to not have to deal with my husband's shitty temper tantrums anymore. I no longer feel guilty about this. 4) I've been angry at my husband for about a year now. I'm trying to let go of those bad memories, want to go back to remembering all that amazing happiness we shared instead. I'm frustrated by my seeming inability to do this. It's so hard to be stuck in this part of my grief. I really, really want to let it go. I wish I could win the lottery just so I could start seeing a therapist who specializes in complicated grief.

I get it. Although I've been pretty public about my relationship for the past year, I had not taken him to any events with my husband's car club until very recently- even took him to the car show we started 15 years ago. I mean, they already knew I had a boyfriend, I just wasn't ready to take him into that world until now. It is a bit surreal to hang out with him and husband's BFF...it all felt really good though, not awkward- and they've all been super friendly and happy to meet him. Something has just clicked in the last month, a shift inside of me, where I feel totally okay with all of this- on a whole other level. I have a boyfriend. This is my life now. Congrats on taking this step!

My boyfriend has expressed curiosity as to why I still come here, especially since I rarely post anymore. I explained that I was emotionally invested with many of the people on here (especially from my timeframe). And that I still feel the need to read others' experiences, as it helps me in both my relationship with him and with any issues I might still have regarding my late husband. We jokingly call this board my Widow Facebook. Positive and loving self-care is the best gift we can give to our partners, I think. It allows us to be our very best with them, so it's to their benefit that we seek whatever help we might need to be emotionally healthy and present in our current lives. What I need from this board, what I get from it now, is very different than it was in the beginning, but it's still mportant to me. I do understand your boyfriend might be feeling insecure, but it does seem you've been showing him with your actions that you are committed to living in the present with him. Widowhood is unique in that our relationships ended without the typical 'break up' most people have at the end of a relationship. I'm guessing this can feel just plain weird and confusing to others, can seem like we are 'dwelling' in the past by continuing to 'hang out' on the Internet with other wids. I get that. How to explain the pull...the closest I can think of is soldiers who have been to war- you are bonded by the battles you've fought together, by the losses as well as the victories, and you now share a secret language that still needs to be a part of your vocabulary.

I didn't have to deal with this romantically, since my boyfriend is someone I've known a long time. I do know several widows who choose to not bring it up that much because they just don't wanna go there- for whatever reason, but I'm too much of an over-sharer to be able to do that. I did have to teach myself to add the 'late' to husband when talking about him because I realized (after it happened a couple times) that saying husband and boyfriend in the same conversation could get confusing for the other person. Then I'd have to awkwardly explain husband was now dead and it did feel more like 'dropping a bomb' into the conversation. It's a simple way of letting people know your status without making it the focus; when you're ready, just share an anecdote about 'my late husband' into the flow of the conversation, without any kind of fanfare. Sometimes people will ask further questions, sometimes they don't. (And it's amazing how many young widows you can meet this way...) It's taken me Time and Practice to be so matter-of-fact about my widowhood. And it's just made my life easier to be able to mention it in passing without feeling overly emotional. Sometimes I have to keep the conversation flowing as I see them digesting the information, but the calmer I am about it, the easier it is for the listener. And me. I know this is a very big step for you. Maybe just try to think of it as 'practice' and not put any pressure on yourself about the outcome....good luck! I will be sending you lots of good thoughts...

My late husband was raised in a cult (very popular in Hollywood, around where he grew up). Was in it from about age 4-14. Hardly ever went to school because he worked for the "church". Never formally educated past the 8th grade- but he was a very curious person and a voracious reader, so spent his life self-educating. He had a very 'colorful' past in addition to this, because of this? Yes, the cult years had an affect on him as an adult, in both good ways and bad. I really wish he'd gone into therapy to address his childhood and relationship with his toxic mother. He had some serious anger/anxiety/depression issues. That being said, I wouldn't let it be a deciding factor in whether you continue seeing her. We all have pasts we don't want to be judged on at face-value, yes? My late husband was also funny, charismatic, brilliant, creative, and much loved in his community. Bonus point: In conversational lulls at dinner parties pulling out that little tidbit of information can really liven things up! (He had no problem discussing the insanity of this cult to the curious, told some crazy stories). Good luck...

'Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith.' - Margaret Shepard