Bunny

Uummmm....does anyone else think this friend is starting to sound pretty darn passive/aggressive? It just seems like every time she changes her mind about doing something with you, she follows it by adding some tidbit about her awesome social life, which you are never invited to be a part of. I just think that's really weird. I'm guessing when you do get yerself a gentleman caller she will suddenly become much more attentive and try to make all sorts of plans with you...

.

Both of my bf's grandmothers were widowed in their 80s and had old boyfriends from their youths come a courtin', they both re-married. My own grandmothers were widowed in their 50s. One had a couple of serious short term relationships and the other decided not to pursue any, she seemed quite content to live alone. And ladies- please remember that men have also had their bodies ravaged by time, yes? Love is an ageless thing. And- even the second time around- is thankfully still kinda blind and in the eye of the beholder...

Am remembering a widow on the old board describing her grief over the years as not going away, but getting 'softer' with time. I am grateful to find myself understanding that more and more. Will keep you and your family in my thoughts today as I garden...

One of my oldest closest friends lives mere minutes away from me, out in the suburbs with his wife and three kids. We can go months without speaking or texting, years without seeing each other, but when we do it's like there has been no time at all. Actually, I have several friends like that now that I think about it... The two girlfriends I saw on a regular basis both recently moved out of state so that's been an adjustment. And honestly, since I've been widowed, I've been less accommodating when it comes to seeing friends- they have had to adjust to putting in more effort, or seeing me less- or not at all. My point- I know you're hurt, but give it time. Lowered expectations are not always a bad thing, as long as they are done with love and mindfulness. And Captain'sWife- boy do I understand the being treated differently. It made my husband and I sad when friends started families and stopped inviting us to their social gatherings. I had someone tell me it was because he assumed, since we were childless, we'd be bored. Ah, well. I guess for some it is harder to socialize with families that don't look like them- childless or spouseless can look like not-a-family to some, ya know?

I don't have children, but I can tell you about my experience of about 30 years of friends having kids. Luckily, I like 'em so that's made things easier in that I have no problem hanging out with kid(s) in tow. But I gotta say- after a while, when someone announced their pregnancy/pending adoption I'd give a happy and sincere congratulations, but in my heart I'd be thinking wistfully- see you in 2 or 3 years...because babies- especially that first one- are just so all consuming, both emotionally and physically. There's simply not a whole lot of time for friends, no matter how much they may miss you. Eventually, they came back to me on a more consistent basis once the kids reached toddlerhood. In fact, they craved that adult time. (Well, a few did lose interest in me because I chose not to have children. But that was rare). Yes, I've been disappointed by my friends with kids. Yes, I sometimes got tired of having to always be the one making all the concessions. But I love them, I value what they bring to my life, so I did. I still do it. Mother/fatherhood, just like widowhood, can test a relationship. Not all of them have been able to survive, but I'm okay with that.

My husband's friends also raised money for me. I accepted not only because I needed it, but also because I understood they all felt absolutely helpless in the face of my grief and NEEDED to do something for me. I feel very fortunate knowing, nearly 4 years later, some of those people would drop everything to help me if need be. I consider it a lasting gift from my husband. I am also someone who loves to be the helper, but I have learned it can sometimes take more strength to be vulnerable enough to allow others the gift of helping you. Helping others makes me feel good inside so why would I want to deprive others of that same wonderful feeling? And I am so glad you two could talk openly and come up with a compromise!

Those from my early days can tell you I was very adamant about having zero interest in dating. I didn't even like reading about other wids doing it! Whenever men expressed interest in me I'd blow them off with a breezy 'yeah, I'm not looking for another project'- their attention was upsetting, made me feel uncomfortably vulnerable. I just wasn't ready those first two years. Plus- falling in love after being widowed sounded terrifying and insane. I told my bf early on that I would never give another man that kind of power to hurt me ever again. The thought of enduring the pain of widowhood more than once was unimaginable. And now, here I am writing about him in a thread about my wedding anniversary. As has been said many times here- widowhood can be quite the mindfuck. And here's the thing: it can feel just as giddy and intense and magical as it did the first time. I found the happiness, after so much intense grief, to pretty much feel like the best drug that ever existed (Which, of course, can also lead to very poor decision making for many wids. It's something to try to be mindful of).

I'm glad it was helpful! I am somebody who found the desire to be resilient difficult. It took me a long time to want to feel anything positive. Boy howdy, early on some of the cheerleaders on the other board REALLY annoyed the heck outa me! They were just trying to help us, but it's so easy to hurt the feelings of a widow, even fellow widows can do it, because our skin becomes so paper thin sensitive. Takes a while to build back some of those insulating layers so that things don't all feel so personal- and that growth time is as unique as our fingerprints. I do hope both you and your son can remember - and truly internalize it- that plenty of people have their kids yell at them, their wives kick them out or threaten to leave them, and they don't kill themselves. I myself had a hard time with guilt that first year (my mama would probably say it's my Catholic upbringing ). It is a horrible burden to give to one's soul.

Someone sent me this video yesterday and I thought of you, April, and this thread: http://youtu.be/MEl2WCyUpM0 I hope everyone who watches it can take something positive from Sheryl Sandberg's words on resilience.

Certainly gives new depths of meaning to Khalil Gibran's 'On Joy and Sorrow'...

Yup. What makes it even more surreal is that they ran around in some of the same circles as young men, have some of the same friends (maybe even dated some of the same girls!) My husband's best friend remembers seeing my bf at parties and shows. My bf remembers his best friend, but can't for the life of him remember ever seeing my husband. Knowing they were sometimes at the same places, breathing the same air, sharing the same experiences...it's bizarre when I stop to think about it. We were just this week invited to a birthday party for an old roommate of my husband's, who is also an old friend of my boyfriend.

Today is my wedding anniversary. I really don't know what to say about it. I feel...I don't know how I feel. It's raining outside. I'm trying to get ready for a big yard sale, which has required going through a lot of our things. My boyfriend sorted through the outbuildings for me. He makes me incredibly happy and is so very good to me. I am filled with gratitude that he came back into my life. So...I guess I'm gonna have myself a good little cry. Starting right now. And call my husband's grandma. Then try to keep busy. I wish I could spend the day weeding the gardens, but it's just too wet out there. We had such a beautiful wedding. I never for one second had any doubts about marrying him. He was my world, my joy. He was my true love. And so is my boyfriend. Falling in love after widowhood has been...a complicated and amazing and confusing and oh so lovely experience. It is strange to feel such happiness and sorrow at the same time, to be able to hold both these things in my heart simultaneously and be okay with it all...I am having such a hard time putting these things into words, so I'm just gonna stop right here. Thanks for 'listening'.

One of my best friends is a total optimist, I definitely think it's important that they feel free to express themselves here. just like I think religious people should feel free to express that method of coping as well. Me? I respond pretty poorly to God talk or tough love, but one of my favorite widows is all about those two things- and yet we get along wonderfully. I think it's because we don't take each other's choices personally- we can be the kind of cheerleader the other needs without judging or feeling judged. I personally don't recall experiencing envy towards others in my widowhood, but that doesn't mean I can't have some empathy for a friend who is struggling with that in her own widowhood. I worked hard to become an optimist in my 30s. It took years of concerted effort. And I was proud of what I'd accomplished. I thought widowhood took all that away- washed the optimism clean from my personality. But it's been coming back. And I welcome it. This coming from a woman who spent her first two years of widowhood on an unapologetic path of self-destruction. There are many moments of happiness in my life now. I have such gratitude for this. From years of reading this board and the last one, I've noticed that the only thing that truly seems to help heal us is Time. 'In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible Summer.' -Albert Camus

As I write this with tears in my eyes, I know his cancer, the two years I spent as his caregiver, and his slow and painful death, have deeply scarred me. But I just can't go there on purpose. It only comes out in surprise bits and pieces (like right now) before I get it all safely stuffed back inside. But I am so grateful to read other's writing on the subject. In exactly one month it will be four years, so the re-living has been kicking into full gear as of late. Even when my brain tries to ignore/distract, my body knows what's coming and reminds me in various ways.

I'm sorry, Jen. I know you're exhausted, but I hope you continue writing here without feeling like a failure or the need to censure yourself. I've always loved your posts for their eloquence and absolute honesty. There are people reading this board who relate to all or parts of your journey and need your words because they aren't ready to, or simply can't, write about their own continuing struggles with grief. I've been slowly coming off a long stint of anger that I found difficult to endure and I resented going through- it felt very isolating, even here. Sometimes the anger fueled me, but many times it was just exhausting. We all have our own paths to walk. It's not a competition. Sometimes all we can do is sit still -until we become so damn bored with ourselves, our widowhood, our grief that we do something/anything to break out. I highly recommend angry gardening.

I am in the process of doing some major de-cluttering myself. It definitely feels very freeing, though I've had my share of hard moments. I've also had some very lovely ones, remembering my husband and our marriage with smiles of happiness instead of tears. It's taken me almost 4 years to get to this point, but I am finally ready. Just feeling so overwhelmed by all the STUFF. Congrats on your continuing progress, Needytoo!

Ditto. Yep.

I try not to think about all the money I've passively spent over the past almost 4 years through avoiding things like shutting off his phone, canceling magazines, etc. The utilities are still in his name. My confession: Some widows get frustrated when those around them are having marital problems, get irritated when they can't just work things out with their 'at least they're not dead, count your lucky stars' spouses. Me? Widowhood seems to have made me more pro-divorce. Because life really is too short to spend it with someone you're incredibly unhappy with. What's so great about being able to say you've been married X amount of decades if a lot of it was spent in misery? Not every marriage is meant to last a lifetime and that doesn't have to mean the marriage was a mistake -or a failure. (This is on my mind because I stayed up late last night with a very good friend trying to help her sort through her struggling marriage. It never crossed my mind she should feel lucky or that I was the last person she should come to given my circumstances. That girl stood by me those first two years like nobody else. And, yes, I do happen to adore her husband.)

THIS is why marriage equality is so important. I can't imagine having to deal with all of this on top of just losing my spouse. I am so proud I live in a country that now recognizes all marriages: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/australian-authorities-refuse-to-recognise-british-couples-same-sex-marriage-after-honeymoon-tragedy-a6822406.html http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/04/07/airport-staff-confiscate-gay-mans-ashes-from-husband-as-he-wasnt/

T Ah, nonesuch...I actually did let my boyfriend talk me into letting him paint my 1920s metal roof a hammerite light blue. And, while I know it's not everyone's cup of tea to live in a house that looks like it came straight outa Candy Land, I'm quite enjoying it! Congrats on the new metal roof- I really love mine.

The amateur feminist sociologist in me has always been fascinated by relationships with unequal money flow or when one partner chooses to stay home while the other works outside the home. In my circle of friends, it's fairly common to see a man staying at home. They seem to have to deal with a lot more emotionally/societally than a woman making that same choice. And I see men marry 'beneath them' monetarily all the time who never seem to bat an eye at this, while a woman seems to struggle more emotionally/societally when she has the upper hand monetarily. It's interesting to me, and I've gotten into some very good discussions with those who are in the more 'deviant' relationships. As far as we have come towards a more equal society, there are some views we each continue to hold on to for various reasons. Myself included. As we all know, some of the most important keys to a happy harmonious relationship are respect and compromise. We all disagree, of course. It's how we choose to do it that makes the difference.

I had to laugh while reading this as I related to it greatly. I've been enjoying the hell out of all the control I have over my home now. It's become kind of a joke that when my boyfriend pushes my boundaries a bit too far I say (with the proper amount of petulance) 'you don't control me!' I'm only half-joking. And it is all slowly changing as we've gotten more and more serious... I also own a fixer-upper. My boyfriend is a carpenter. So, even though he's not living here (yet), he's doing a lot of stuff around here to make my world more beautiful. He's also an artist so is very interested in all aspects of the fixing up / decorating / landscaping, etc. Luckily, we do share a very similar aesthetic. Though, I admit, a few times I've secretly lamented having to once again take someone else's opinion into consideration after being drunk on the power of absolute control over my little kingdom. My opinion: since you are planning on him moving in in the fairly near future, you owe it to him to at least discuss the changes you are wanting to make. Might as well start treating him as a full partner whose opinion you respect -and be ready to persuasively talk him into whatever it is you want done. Who knows? He might bring fresh eyes to some of your ideas and be able to improve upon them, yes? I *know* it's hard to give up any of that control. I do. But the trade off is pretty darn spectacular...

Jen, you're reminding me of something I posted on the ywbb's real sex thread: Enjoy everybody... https://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/561877622.html

But you would not be leaving for a technical status, really. It's what that lack of status means to you, your interpretation of his rejection of it. it's not so much him not wanting to get married as you feeling like: 'he doesn't love me enough to at least *want* to marry me'. That's a pretty big thing for you to wrestle with emotionally. But yeah- it's never a good idea to be a convincer or ultimatum giver as men respond very poorly to that kinda stuff. I was super into getting married to my husband. But I'm much more ambivalent about marrying my boyfriend, even as we continue to make life long plans together and I am completely devoted to him. Why? I'm still working on that. I mention this because I can kinda understand both your boyfriend's and your side. Someone on the ywbb once recommended the book 'Undefended Love' and it really did change my life for the better. please, please, please read it. It's an amazing self-help book packaged as a relationship book. Because really- the only person we can change is ourselves, right?